Hi I thought I would bring this to another thread:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Most of what I've read seems to agree with the generalization that I made earlier. Whether Glass or Vaughn.

A good book that focuses on As by Married Women is "Tempted Woman" by Carol Botwin. It was written for married women to help them understand how they may be vulnerable to an affair. The entire last chapter are just testimonials from FWW to other married women talking about the agony their affair has caused.

Chapters include:
How to predict if a W will have an A
Differences between men's and women's As
The Groudbreakers
Situations that drive W into As
Hidden psychological reasons for an A
Why they ignite
The Other Man
How As progress
and my favorite Out in the Open

I've never heard you talk about the OM or your H. I remember most of your posts being about the confusion over disclosure and the withdrawal pain caused by NC.

A few thoughts and observations on your situation based upon the book to show how your situation still fits within the generalization I made earlier.

From the chapter on the Other Man:

-Your OM was something close to the opposite of your H. He was sexual as well as emotional. You said your H is neither. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">True.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
-Married women usually have affairs with married men because in the beginning they are classified as "safe." "He's married so we can be friends and he won't hit on me." Your OM was married.

-The relationship usually develops from a friendship. It develops slowly.

-OM knows how to give compliments

-He makes you feel as though you are sharing something important during your time spent together

-May offer emotional support if marriage troubles are discussed

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">True, and the thing is I never once let on to OMM that I had marital problems, I usually spoke very highly of my H and tried to put off that we were so happily married even though there were (and I guess still are) problems. OMM spoke of his marriage woes constantly when we were only friends and I tried to offer advice and support...Guess I didn't do such a great job! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

-OM is good at creating a sense of fun, playfulness, or just an upbeat attitude that may be missing at home.

-He listens w/ empathy & understanding. He's a good communicator. You feel truely heard.

-He encourages you in your goals.

-He is persistent.

-If sex is involved it is usually does not come for three to six months into the relationship. How long was the A a PA. Just the last month or so?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it didn't happen right away but there was tremendous sexual chemistry and the desire was there long before I eventually gave in to it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
-For women the emotional bond must come first. They must feel that they love the OM.

Any of this sound familiar??
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course, that is the story of my A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
What the OM wants:

-They want the A to stay w/in bounds

-They thrive on the diversion, the excitement of the illicit, forbidden sex. the variety. His W may not like to try "new" things.

-Some get relief from home. May be having M issues. May have a W that ignores him for kids, work, etc.

-Able to reveal themselves emotionally.

- Doesn't want the R to get serious!!

-He may say "I love you" but he still isn't committing to anything

-Men regars an A as an addition to marriage not as possible replacement

-Most men let the married women know about the restrictions of the R. "I'd never devorece my wife because of the kids." That is the nuber 1 excuse the OM uses

-The woman's emotional investment flatters the OM but causes discomfort

One interesting piece of info. Married women are unlikely to end the undiscovered A. It's usually the OM. That is except for the FWW who stumble into the MB threads!!

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMM constantly talked of his dreams of us running away. He constantly told me he wished he never had gotten married b/c he isn't happy and he feels I am his soulmate. He used to write down my first name with his last name all the time just to show me how it looked. He introduced me to his best friend (I don't know if BF knows I was his lover or just a friend, I was too humiliated to ask).

He and his BW don't have kids and neither do I and my H.

Ironically, OMM sent me an email a week ago which I didn't reply to saying he is miserable b/c he isn't with the woman he is in love with.
See what I mean when I say he is more emotional than me? I never once promised leaving my H for him and marrying him. Whenever he brought it up I told him he was being ridiculous. I would tell him if H & I somehow ended up divorced, it wouldn't be because of OMM it would be because we couldn't sort it out.

I am not saying that I didn't wish I could leave H to be with OMM, of course the thought crossed my mind quite often, but I didn't often see it as a reality. OMM almost had me convinced that I should leave H and I truly did consider it but when push came to shove I couldn't imagine life without H and then when I finally saw how I hurt H, I couldn't even fathom the fact that I actually considered it. Even when OMM knew that H found out about the A, he still wanted to continue it, hell to this day he still does.

OMM has issues, I definitely think he has BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder and he DEFINITELY has narcissistic characteristics. His dad was an abusive alcoholic and his parents are divorced. That had a profound effect on him. He is very pretentious and materialistic, and I think he uses material possessions (expensive cars, clothes, jewelry, etc.) as a means of validation and self worth and to cover up his insecurities. I was never impressed by his possessions either, btw.

I see now that the things that I thought were so enticing about OMM certainly werent' worth the agony I put my H through and the incredible damage I inflicted on our M.

But at the same time I think that there is tons of work to be done in our M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Why men react with so much fury;

-a husband feels dishonored

-humiliated in the eyes of "society." Even today we are conditioned to think that a married man is more likely to have an A.

-less likely to be suspicious therefore causes more shock. Because of our conditioning wives tend to watch husbands for signs. Not likely the other way around. Our egos tell us," she'd never cheat on me. I provide for her. I tell her I love her. etc"

-they are frightened. Worried over the future. Don't feel needed.

-Male competition in sex is acute. Has been for eons.

-Emasculated that OM may be better in bed or may have a superior sex organ. You women say that size doesn't matter well even if your telling the truth from your perspective it doesn't matter because size matters to men!

I digress but this important for women to know. High school gym locker rooms are an interesting psychlogical field study. The guys with the largest swagger around usually without a towel. Almost parading. The average sized are relatively safe in the middle. The smaller sized usually dress quickly after a shower, They turn their backs to others. I'm giving a more detailed example that the book. It just refernced males with an over inflated ego and sense of superiority over those average or small sized who have underinflated egos.

So take this info and plug it into your situation and you may have an idea how your H is feeling.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amazingly, my H desires me very much and we have sex more now then we did pre-A. He tells me I am beautiful and sexy and that I turn him on. I wonder if he is competing with OMM in his mind or if he has sexual images of me and OMM when we are having sex. I hope not, but he has never indicated anything of the sort.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I also needed the sex as for years H wasn't really interested. And surprisingly, I was the one that initiated the PA.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some of the reasons for having your A also fit

-disappointment in your M

-I feel attractive again. May be why you initiated the sex??

-He sees me the way I want to be seen

-Different sexual needs.

Any way you get the idea.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I do and my situation certainly fits most of the criteria here. I have to be honest, I still feel there is a lot lacking in our sex life, we don't kiss passionately and that is a HUGE need for me. Other things that I won't go into but like I said, H isn't as sexual as I am. But he DOES LOVE ME. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

KD keep posting. You too Mrs X

One last question to Mrs X: Is your H normally a conflict avoider??

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, absolutely... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> He always has been.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
ciao

cwmac
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ May 01, 2004, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>

Mrs X

Can't sleep. Was up doing laundry since wife is down for awhile.

Wanted to respond to some of your notes that you added to my post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OMM constantly talked of his dreams of us running away. He constantly told me he wished he never had gotten married b/c he isn't happy and he feels I am his soulmate.... He introduced me to his best friend (I don't know if BF knows I was his lover or just a friend, I was too humiliated to ask).
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W's OM talked about running away as well. Funny thing he talked about it but when push came to shove he didn't

A large portion of men at one point in their marriages think that they never should have married their W. In most cases it's talk though. Remenber men like sexual variety so they can feel resentment towards the wife and this causes the regret. Add an attractive woman and the talk continues.

My W and OM thought they were soulmates, too. That feeling comes about because the relationship isn't based upon the hard realities of daily life. No billd to pay, no in-laws, no kids, no school, no whatever causes the stress. The fact is that my W and I acted like soulmates when were were first dating.

Are you kidding of course he told his best friend that he was boinking you. I was going to say that you were lovers but that sounds too romantic.

Remember what I said about what Other Men want:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What the OM wants:

-They want the A to stay w/in bounds.

-They thrive on the diversion, the excitement of the illicit, forbidden sex. the variety. His W may not like to try "new" things.

-Some get relief from home. May be having M issues. May have a W that ignores him for kids, work, etc.

-Able to reveal themselves emotionally.

- Doesn't want the R to get serious!!

-He may say "I love you" but he still isn't committing to anything

-Men regard an A as an addition to marriage not as possible replacement.

-Most men let the married women know about the restrictions of the R. "I'd never divorce my wife because of the kids." That is the number 1 excuse the OM uses.

-The woman's emotional investment flatters the OM but causes discomfort.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your OM loved the variety. He was proud that an attractive woman was interested in what he had to say. It was also a hunt. A reminder of his single days. He could flirt. He could create a new persona.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMM spoke of his marriage woes constantly when we were only friends and I tried to offer advice and support </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My guess is that he talked about it because you showed interest and empathy in this subject. The way you reacted and counciled him probably was a dead give away to him that you were disillusioned with your M.

Remember a good salesman can pick up on someones interests and use it to their advantage.

Most OM tend to exagerate their M troubles. It creates sympathy. It serves another purpose. It's a trial balloon. The comments are made about his W to see if you resond in like kind. As Harley says all affairs are based upon lies. Lies to the betrayed spouse and lies to the affair partner.

Do you think it's a possibility that your OM exagerated or outright fabricated his marriage troubles.

My W's OM definitely did this. When I finally called his W, I found out that she had no idea that there were marriage issues. My W also complained about me and my "anger". I knew we were having issues.

My anger was her perception of my time in the Mars cave. She being a Venetian she just couldn't relate. She got resentful over this need for time alone.

This was compounded by the fact that my wife like your H is a Conflict Avoider. So she'd get upset but would hold the resentment in. It kept building over the years. Finally she saw me as a monster.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OMM almost had me convinced that I should leave H and I truly did consider it but when push came to shove I couldn't </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This sounds just like my W's situation. He had her convinced that she should divorce me and he offered support in that direction (He encourages you in your goals). Ironically he made it clear to my W that he "would never divorce his W because of his kids." He wanted his R with my W to continue but didn't want to commit or come out of his comfort zone on his end. He liked having two women. He was the epitome of the OM in the 'Tempted Woman"

BTW, what were the preaffair issues in your marriage? Besides the conflict/ anger issue, my wife didn't get the affection that she needed.

It's funny how sex is important to you and it's one of my top needs but doesn't seem to be high on our spouse's list. In my case it created resentment for several reasons. It was used as a reward and it was withheld as punishment. W wasn't real interested in trying anyhting new. Sorry if that's too much information.

And on that note I need to sign off for tonight.

We'll talk soon.

cwmac

<small>[ April 26, 2004, 02:23 AM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

cwmac,
Thanks again for your input. You definitely made a lot of valid points.
I agree with pretty much everything you say about OMM. I am not sure he even believes himself when it comes to his M.But at any rate I want to address the question you asked about my M. I will do this 2morrow as I am beyond exhausted right now. Just wanted you to know I read your message and appreciate so much your time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

CWMac and MrsX I hope you don't mind me butting in here but this one REALLY struck a chord with me.

OM was something close to the opposite of my H.

Completely.

-The relationship usually develops from a friendship. It develops slowly.

Absolutely.

-OM knows how to give compliments

Yup

-He makes you feel as though you are sharing something important during your time spent together

Yup again

-OM is good at creating a sense of fun, playfulness, or just an upbeat attitude that may be missing at home.

-He listens w/ empathy & understanding. He's a good communicator. You feel truely heard.

-He encourages you in your goals.

-He is persistent.

-If sex is involved it is usually does not come for three to six months into the relationship.


Yes, yes, yes, yes. Sex happened 4 months into the relationship.

-For women the emotional bond must come first. They must feel that they love the OM.

Yes - I thought I loved him way before the sex


What the OM wants:

-They want the A to stay w/in bounds

Yes, didn't want anyone "hurt"

-They thrive on the diversion, the excitement of the illicit, forbidden sex. the variety. His W may not like to try "new" things.

Yes, wife "didn't like sex - never thought about it"

-Some get relief from home. May be having M issues. May have a W that ignores him for kids, work, etc.

Yes, kids were everything

-Able to reveal themselves emotionally.

Yes, couldn't "talk to wife"

- Doesn't want the R to get serious!!

"We'll get this out of our system and then be friends."


-Men regars an A as an addition to marriage not as possible replacement

"I love you but not like I love wife."

-Most men let the married women know about the restrictions of the R. "I'd never devorece my wife because of the kids." That is the number 1 excuse the OM uses

Yup

-The woman's emotional investment flatters the OM but causes discomfort

Yup - "getting too serious and telling too many girlfiends."

One interesting piece of info. Married women are unlikely to end the undiscovered A. It's usually the OM.

Yup, "I need to spend time on my marriage."


Some of the reasons for having your A also fit

-disappointment in your M

Yup

-I feel attractive again. May be why you initiated the sex??

Yup - although H always said I was beautiful etc. Sounded more believable from OM.

-He sees me the way I want to be seen

I felt I was the real "me" when I was with OM.


Do you mind me posting - it was all there in black and white - not UNIQUE at all. I still keep thinking my A was unique.

Jenny

Mrs X

You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Just wanted you to know I read your message and appreciate so much your time! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We're all here to help each other. Glad I can help. When I first came to this board in Winter 2002 I needed a "compass and a flare gun" to find my way. Eventhough I had the second DDay with the PA info I think I'm finally making some progress down that path named recovery.

I think you and your H will too.

KiwiJ,
Glad you liked my little synopsis for Mrs X of the "Tempted Woman." I really liked it. I've also read "Not Just Friends" At the time I tought my W had just had an EA so NJF was very appropriate. Although it's also appropriate for PAs I liked TW because it specifically focused on WW as well as their OM.

Liked the section on why Hs react with so much rage among others. My wife has answered alot of questions on the affair but I still feel she's vague sometimes. This book gave me a good indication of what she was thinking.

To be honest it also validated my opinions on her OM's motivations. I had put myself in his shoes and came up with the same conclusions.

cwmac

<small>[ April 27, 2004, 12:22 AM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

cwmac, I printed out the bits from Mrs X's first post on this thread for my H to read. I edited it to take out the references to Mrs X.

He read it and said "That's what I've thought all along and what I've been telling you."

I said "I found it very helpful. Anything that makes me see this A for what it really was is good"

He said "That's good. It's the "anatomy of a rat" isn't it.

"The anatomy of a rat" - how well put.

One other question - you may not know the answer - who would? Do you think OM's work consciously to seduce or is it just part of a pattern that they wouldn't even recognise unless they read something like this thread? Are they that underhand? Just interest really I'm not trying to find out if OM "really cared."

Everything I read here helps me. I shudder to think what would have happened if I hadn't found MB. I think of people I know whose marriages have collapsed and I think "if you'd only found MB...."

Jenny

KiwiJ

G' Day!

I think it's veteran 2Long or maybe TooMuchCoffeeMan that refers to the OM as RM, short for Rat Meat.

Tell your H about that nickname.

G' Day

cwmac

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What the OM wants:

-They want the A to stay w/in bounds.

-They thrive on the diversion, the excitement of the illicit, forbidden sex. the variety. His W may not like to try "new" things.

-Some get relief from home. May be having M issues. May have a W that ignores him for kids, work, etc.

-Able to reveal themselves emotionally.

- Doesn't want the R to get serious!!

-He may say "I love you" but he still isn't committing to anything

-Men regard an A as an addition to marriage not as possible replacement.

-Most men let the married women know about the restrictions of the R. "I'd never divorce my wife because of the kids." That is the number 1 excuse the OM uses.

-The woman's emotional investment flatters the OM but causes discomfort.

This sounds so much like I was! Yes, I was a WS, but that also made me an OM.

One difference from many descriptions of OMs here. I was unwaveringly honest with my OW. That was something I enjoyed about that relationship. I felt like I could share anything with her. My wife and I lost that somewhere along the way.

I wanted the A to continue indefinitely as a side thing. It was absolutely an "addition" to my marriage. Never a replacement. The OW told me she felt the same. I'm quite sure that it would still be going on today if we hadn't gotten caught.

Low

what an interesting thread. It truly spells it all out in black and white!! It's as if the author knew the OM in my case when he wrote this!!!

KiwiJ,
Sorry I didn't see your question last night. Too busy laughing at the rat comment and then thinking about RM, Rat Meat.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> One other question - you may not know the answer - who would? Do you think OM's work consciously to seduce or is it just part of a pattern that they wouldn't even recognise unless they read something like this thread? Are they that underhand? Just interest really I'm not trying to find out if OM "really cared."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really think they do work to seduce. All men whether BS or WS enjoy the hunt. We can all remember back to dating in our teens and 20's. As long as we were attracted to a female most of our motivarions and actions whether conscious or subconscious were to impress and win the lady. Some men just do it for the ego rush.

Some of the pertinent points in my previous post that relate to your question were...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> -They thrive on the diversion, the excitement of the illicit, forbidden sex. the variety. His W may not like to try "new" things

-He is persistent.

-If sex is involved it is usually does not come for three to six months into the relationship. (They are patient yet persitent)

-The woman's emotional investment flatters the OM...

- Male competition in sex is acute.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lately I've been blasted by people when I make generalizations but since this is my thread as well as MrsX's I will.

I still believe in the old anecdote that says Women won't have sex until they fall in live and Men don't fall in love until they have sex.

That's not to say that all men fall in love with the women they have sex with. Lots of ONS out there. It does say that IMHO men can't commit emotionally until they've had sex.

So KiwiJ my guess is that your OM didn't love you in the beginning for sure. He was too caught up in the ego rush caused by your attraction. He was acting selfishly.

Maybe at the end he had somewhat of a bond/addiction there but...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
-They want the A to stay w/in bounds

-Doesn't want the R to get serious!!

-He may say "I love you" but he still isn't committing to anything

-Men regard an A as an addition to marriage not as possible replacement


</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think alot of men fantacize about having a woman on the side. Not all of us act on that fantacy however.

cwmac

Low Orbit,
You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> One difference from many descriptions of OMs here. I was unwaveringly honest with my OW. That was something I enjoyed about that relationship. I felt like I could share anything with her. My wife and I lost that somewhere along the way </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't see the difference. The above comment is covered in the following points:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> -Able to reveal themselves emotionally

-Most men let the married women know about the restrictions of the R. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The first covers the freedom you had to disclose yourself to your OW while the second shows that that OM are honest in the sense that they tell the OW up front that the R isn't going anywhere.

OK ladies. How many of you had OM who made this pretty clear in the beginning but as you got caught up in the R you wanted to believe that it had changed? Show of hands. Hmm. I think I see Mrs X over there on the east coast with her hand up. Looking overseas I see KiwiJ with hand raised high. And our newest member Lisa 103 is nodding agreement.

cwmac

My hand is up.

I thought well he's telling me he'll never leave his wife, he's telling me this is all he can give me (I'm sorry but this is all I can give you), he's telling me his children are everything to him, he's telling me his father did this to him and he'd never do it to his wife (huh?) but he's going to fall so "in love" with me he's going to have no choice but to leave.

Ummm, no. He didn't leave.

But now, the wife he's so "in love" with that he managed to screw another woman, has been told.

I must admit here that the situation with OM and I is slightly different in that OM was my old HS boyfriend and we were together for 5 years from when I was 13. I broke his heart when I left him for someone else (not H). OM said when we met again he "knew we would always get back together." Another thing, which I've said on other posts, we never had sex when we were young.


Jenny

<small>[ April 28, 2004, 03:11 AM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

my hand is up!! OM and I had both set the rules that neither one of us were wanting to leave our spouses. My marriage has never been what a marriage should be. Don't get be wrong, Ilove my H to death but it's a brotherly love and has never been any stronger than that so I was an easy target by the OM. He had convinced me that his marriage was very much like mine but could never leave his W just like I could never leave my H. We went from that to him telling me a few months into the A that she was his "soulmate".

I was too naive to realize that he would say anything just to get what he wanted out of me, obviously the only thing that his W wasn't giving him.

Ladies,
I have some other questions that will help male BSs. They relate to the sexual side of the affair.

It seems that I've seen post after post where in male BS say that their FWSs have claimed that the affair sex was average at best and more typically disappointing. I find that hard to believe.

Tempted Woman says that more times than not it's the best sex that the married woman has ever experienced.

Do you agree or disagree? Sorry to ask such a personal question. Also if these questions are reminding you of feelings for OM we can stop. Or you can go to the previous page and remind yourself of what OM wanted ie no commitment, illicit sex etc.

cwmac

<small>[ April 28, 2004, 04:37 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

I can answer that for my WW.

Sex with OM was "amazing". Best ever. With me, it was "duty".

How do you compete with that?

cwmac....sex with OM was very passionate with passionate kisses and OS which I have never experienced before with anyone including H. H and I stopped kissing many many years ago (married for 23 years). I had forgotten how stimulating kissing can be. Chemistry between OM and me was different than anything I have ever felt for H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> and that makes me feel so so bad. I wish that I could transfer all of these feelings to H that I have/had for OM. Sex with H has never been iniated by me. My sex drive was pretty much non-existent before A. Sex was always satisfying with H but just never something that I iniated.

Jenny

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Hi everyone,

Very interesting posts since I last logged on! Have to go back and read them all, as I have not had a chance to actually sit and type a legitimate response.

Very quickly I want to say that in my case OMM told me he wasn't happy w/his W and wanted out of the M. I never once let on that I had any intention of leaving H for OMM, at least not in the beginning. As time went on I felt compelled to do so quite often, as I got caught up in the passion of the A, but when the going got tough, I TOLD MY H about the A b/c I needed to end the A before deciding on leaving my H. At any rate, not I am not interested in psychoanalyzing my relationship w/OMM any longer; I just want to fix my M!! There are a lot of issues that I need to bring up and hopefully get some good advice, however, I am going to be busy working until the weekend, so I'll post my thoughts then...

Everyone have a great day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 08:11 AM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>

Mrs X,
Can you answer my last question or do you not want to? If you can I'd appreciate your comment.

cwmac

cwmac,

This question??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BTW, what were the preaffair issues in your marriage? Besides the conflict/ anger issue, my wife didn't get the affection that she needed.

It's funny how sex is important to you and it's one of my top needs but doesn't seem to be high on our spouse's list. In my case it created resentment for several reasons. It was used as a reward and it was withheld as punishment. W wasn't real interested in trying anyhting new. Sorry if that's too much information. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I will answer when I log on tomorrow. I promise. I have to really collect my thoughts and be honest with myself before I comment.

have a great night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

mrsx