I have been obsessing...again! My H and I went to see our counselor yesterday, had a good session, wonderful weekend, really! Then, in the middle of everything, that gut ache comes back when something happens to remind me of his A (ended three months ago). I am afraid that I do this partly to punish him. This had never occured to me, but I think it's my "pound of flesh". I get so upset, and it ruins my day and his. I plunge back into that dark abyss that I have been crouching in for the past 3 months, and I have been making a concious effort to get into the sunshine! What's up with this? Does it get better? Has anyone else had this problem?

I posted on "Emotional needs" just a few minutes ago, but was advised to post this here, where a more "expert" group could respond.

I started taking Wellbutrin and Selexa this weekend. Does anyone out there have any experience with these medications? Will they help my obsessive thought patterns? I seem to be stuck!

Thanks...

I complained last week about the "unkind" tone of some responses, but to be honest, most of them were right on. I am beginning to understand things a little more. Thanks for the "TOUGH LOVE".

It's only been three months. It takes much longer. You'll be ok, just be patient and work on it.

Ideally, BS's feel the way you do for about 12 to 18 months as a part of a normal recovery. But I have to kindly point out that yours is not going to be a normal recovery because you have the added burden of keeping his secret in addition to having the presence of the OW rubbed in your face.

It is very normal to be obsessed with the affair for a long time. It is the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit and it is very traumatic. It takes a long time to come to terms with it. It won't go away over night.

<small>[ April 26, 2004, 07:21 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Perhaps you could add some heavy tranquilizers to the anti-depressants?

all i can say is that things should get better w/time (that's what i hear) and that if it's any comfort, know that at least your H is at home and trying to reconcile. a lot of us don't have that. prayers to you.

Last night my youngest daughter told me that she was tired of my emontional outbursts. That sounds cold, so know that she didn't say it quite that way. She is stressed out with school, and with this thing around her neck, she feels overwhelmed. She, of course, was the one who became suspicious back in August, and while I was in the hospital with my surgery, she discovered some things in his car (cards and gifts) that began to lead her to her discovery in November. She decided to try and "fix it" so that I wouldn't be hurt and ever have to know. That's a loving daughter's thoughts, I know. So, she has known all of this junk since then, while I have only known for three months. When I discover something about the affair, such as a gift that he bought for her while I was in the hospital, it hurts me as if it had happened yesterday, because I am discovering things piece by piece. She thinks that I should stop being "surprised" (her word) when I find out something new, and just look at that whole time as one big stinking mess. That sounds good, but I can't seem to do that since I don't know all of the parts of the big stinking mess. She will not tell me all that she knows because she is still trying to protect me. Who's the mom here?
I try not to burden her and dump any of this junk on her, but sometimes she has been a witness to one of my "meltdowns". I do not question her, but go straight to my husband when I need to ask about something. To be honest, though, I have gone to her to affirm something that he has told me, because he lied so many times to me, I need to be sure that his answers are true!

I am resolved to try and keep from showing my emotions when she is around. That's an unfair burden to put upon her. I feel like I'm going to burst sometime. Everyone keeps saying that "it's only been three months". I know that, but my family is suffering too, and when they see my torment or hear my questions, they just want me to stop. Since both of my daughters knew before I did, they have had more time to come to terms with their feelings, and of course they can't understand what is going on inside of me, the depth of betrayal, the anger, the confusion, the broken trust, etc., not being wives. I can't blame them for not being more understanding at this point. They just want this whole thing to be over, and think that I keep stirring it up, getting everyone upset. They forget that they know far more details about this than I do.

In another post, I mentioned that I have asked my husband to write the "story" of the affair, in as detailed a way as possible. I think that if I know what went on and when, it will answer many questions allowing me to process this mess and bury it. Our psychologist thought this was a great idea. My husband promised to make that one of his projects while he is gone away.

i feel a lot of what you are saying too. more of along the lines that my H knew quite awhile before i did that he wanted out of our M. that even though he couldn't find the right time to tell me that he still had more time to prepare for this than i did. i basically had the rug yanked out from me. it's not the same situation i know but just wanted to let you know you're not alone in the way you feel. of course i know that you know that. prayers to you.

I'm not as well versed in this as a lot of people in here, ut I too obsess over things my wife did. It rips my heart out. It's almost like a self torturing ritual I do. I don't mean to, but how do you not think about it? She doesn't understand why I do it. Then again, she's never been in my shoes before either.

Hang in there, it sounds like you're on the right track. God Bless