If this isn't the million dollar question, than I don't know what is. It seems that most affairs begin when a couple become emotionally detached and then , at some point, the WS lets someone else fill those needs. This emotional attachment can then lead to a PA and then we BSs end up here. In my specific situation, we were emotinally distant for years before this happened. That's what scares my so much about my marriage. I can only hope that the A has opened my Ws eyes to what she has been missing and she decides to recommit and let me fill those needs.

I realize that the Harley's principles are designed to help couples reconnect and I have been following them, but I would like to hear other peoples experiences and what has worked for them. Opinions of as many WS would also help. Remember, interested in emotionally reconnecting. Please advise.

IGP, sorry that we are all hear.

i can't say to much i'm dealing with withdawls right now with the ww. i do beleve she is ending her A.

good luck, stay strong,if not for your self for your kids.

dmb1967

IGP, i am sorry your marriage is struggling so. I am a WW (FWW really). My A occured when I had decided i wanted out of the marriage. When i told my H i wanted out he finally started to want to work on the M. It took a lot of determination on his part to first, keep me from walking, and second to finally want to be his wife again.

he did not know i was having an A during all this time. Our kids and his strength is what finally did it for me. His undetered belief that we belonged toghter.

things that helped along the way:
1. Retrouvaille, a weekend retreat for troubled marriages including 6 weeks of followup sessions and an on-going support system. this helped us a great deal in the area of communicating feelings, something that is manditory if you are to be emotionally close.

2. reconnecting on a fun level, for us that meant we started playing raquetball again, something we did when we first dated. for a while we went every friday afternoon and it was really helpful, and by that i mean really really helpful!!! unfortunately we have not played much the last 6 months (H broke his arm last aug and then after the cast was off the holidays came and we still have not gotten back into habit). But I believe we will get back into habit again soon.

i hope this helps a little. good luck.

InGreatPain

I don’t know if the following will be helpful and maybe it will be "off-truck", but I have read your signature line and since it’s not very long from D-day and your W is possibly still in withdrawal, I thought the following might be helpfull to reconnect with her emotionally and help both of you heal faster. This was (and still is) a painful experience for both of you, but you can use this as an opportunity to reconnect with your wife and find something meaningful and positive out of the bad things that happened to you and your marriage. I’m going to copy and paste the following from a post I have send to another thread a while ago:

How a BS can help a WS to recover:

1. Be the ‘sounding-board’ of the WS. Whenever possible and whenever you feel strong enough, listen to the WS with empathy, understanding & care.

2. Communicate your negative feelings towards the WS and be honest and open about your own pain and hurt, but whenever possible, try to do it without being judgmental or love bursting.

3. Be there for your WS and be there for each other. Realize that your WS will go through many stages and feelings of guilt, self-rejection etc. When this happen, try to let the WS feel accepted, tell him/her that he/she made a mistake, but has decided to turn away and follow the right path. During times the WS feels ‘low’ remind him/her that he/she is forgiven by both you and God.

4. Assure and tell your WS that they must feel free to talk to you whenever they needs it or feels like it… Encourage them to speak to you whenever they feels ‘down’. If it feels okay with you and you feel strong enough, ask them about their feelings and show interest and concern about their feelings out of your own. It’s difficult for a WS to overcome their own pain, loss and grief from OP and at the same time deal with the pain and hurt they have caused the BS. Therefore, a WS might sometimes feel unsure about sharing some feelings and be honest an open about it out of fear that they will hurt and cause the BS pain again, but the BS sincere concern and support will encourage the WS to “open up” and make them feel safe to reveal their true inner feelings.

5. If you WS needs to talk and you feel it’s not the right time for you at that moment, have the courage and honesty to tell your WS that you really want to listen to them, but on another time when you feel stronger and be able to listen emphatically. I just want to mention that, at the same time, the WS must also have the understanding and care to allow the BS to be honest. This is really a give and take situation. The WS must also encourage the BS to speak to them whenever they needs or feels like it. On this way both BS and WS will help each other to heal and recover and will become EACH OTHER’S greatest friends and confidants.

6. Lastly, remember the pain “deserved” for the WS is real, and the healing to some extent really takes time. So, be patient with both yourself and your WS and give it time…

I think it’s wonderful that BS’s - who are the innocent victims of infidelity - wants to support their WS’s and help them to heal faster… I have great respect and admiration for such an unselfish act and I think this is the highest level of true, agape love. May the BS’s out there continue to receive strength, help and wisdom on this difficult path.