i don't even know where to begin or what to say and part of me feels guilty for even posting this. i'm starting to feel real needy and greedy about asking for people to help me and pray for me and don't feel like i'm giving much in return.

i don't even feel like myself anymore. i'm glad at the changes i have made in my heart and my interactions w/others but not sure if that's who i really am. my pastor says that i've lost my identity and that's to be understood. i also don't feel like i just don't know who my H is anymore. even though he's doing wrong, i still felt that deep down he was a good person and even honorable. i do have to keep telling myself he is in an addiction that he's not himself but sometimes that offers little comfort. i talked to my MIL yesterday and she basically said that a D is coming, that is what my H wants, she thinks we would both be happy if that's what happened, that things would be different if we had kids, that she hopes that we can work things out amicably, and that she met the OW and that she was "nice."

how could my H think so little of me, think so little of another human being and the hurt they are experiencing and introduce his mistress to his mother? what kind of person would willingly meet their son's mistress and basically condone what he's doing? it's still amazes me. my H called my mom yesterday and told he he was sorry, that he's changed, etc. that's what he tried to make the call about but when it got down to it, he called to ask my mom if she would take one of our dogs because he needs to fix the yard in order to put the house up for sale.

so what to do now? i have a session w/SH tomorrow and of course will be talking a lot about everything w/him and what i should do. still wondering if i'm going to have the stamina to see all this through knowing that it may not end the way i want. i guess i have to start looking for another place to live so that i can take our dogs. my mom can't keep either one of our dogs and i don't want my h to get one of his friends to watch the dogs (he told my mom he had a friend that would watch one of our dogs). i told my mom i would be putting my foot down about the dogs. that he gave one of them to me 12 years ago before he went to korea and that i was not going to allow the dog to be around the OW.

anyway, I guess i can't count on his family for any support, and it seems like some choices are being made for me and will need to act accordingly. i continue to pray and still ask for you guys to pray for me as i do for you.

<small>[ April 27, 2004, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

Roughroad, as I just added to my thread, I thank you for your input to my situation and you have my prayers during this time. Its a tragedy that I takes two to make a marriage, but only one for a divorce. You're in my thoughts, God loves you, be strong.

RR I put a post in my thread but I will put it here. Talk to SH and see what he says, I bet it will be something like if your H says he want's to file for D try and prevent that from happening and talk him into a seperation agreement. This is what Jennifer told me to do if my W presses the DV issue. Beware of the fog also, my W told me she wanted a DV the day she moved out and I haven't got any papers yet (knocking on wood that this doesn't happen) so hang in there and hold on ok, I'm praying for you.

Rough -

I'm not sure what to say. I think of you always. I hurt for you. I thank you for all the kind words you've said to me. I feel like you are giving up. I want to tell you to continue to fight til the very end but I know that will be a decision you will have to make on your own. Only you know best about your situation.

Keep your head up. You are one of God's children. You are a survivor and you'll get through this.

Please do not leave these boards. If the D is coming you'll need us for support and we'll be here for you.

You have your church family now. They will help you as well. Continue to work on you.

My prayers are with you.

again, i don't have the words to say but thank you all.

RR -

I see you replied to my post so you can see I understand where you are coming from. My sister-in-law also says I should just let him file for D if he wants. If he is that dumb then let him go. However from being here I know that you can work through these hard times. I am praying for you and hope that things get beter.

well i looked at a couple of places yesterday after work. not a whole lot of options for someone w/2 dogs. i just don't even see how i'm going to be able to pull this off w/out some financial support from my H. but anyway, i have a session w/SH in about 30 minutes and will update you guys w/that as well. continued prayers to all of you.

Practical advice on finding a place that you can have dogs in. Check out Renting with Pets .

Also, talk to your local SPCA or Humane Society. They often keep lists of landlords that allow pets.

Hi RR! I haven't posted in your threads much...but I just wanted you to know you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I will be thinking of you today! Take care and keep your chin up!

well again, thanks all for chiming in w/tips and encouragment. i will check into the pet ideas that were suggested.

as far as an update? well, i had been avoiding talking to my H until after my session today w/SH but unfortunately SH was too far behind and i had to reschedule for tomorrow. i know that each one of his appts is important and what i'm going through is not any less than what someone else is going through and i had hoped to still put off talking to my H until tomorrow but.........he called again today and i just didn't feel i could put him off until tomorrow so we talked about 30 minutes.

i wasn't angry or upset and don't feel like i really even LB'd, i was calm and pleasant. but i probably said some things that maybe others would have suggested i not say. he said that he was worried about me because he couldn't get ahold of me and was afraid i had done something (i had taken a bottle of pills a few months ago). anyway, he said that he wanted to say again that he was sorry for what he has done and that he hurt me. i just kind of let him talk and i'm just going to summarize because i can't remember exactly what was said and in what order.

he asked if I was okay, i said that i had had some things to take care of yesterday and he asked like what? i said that it was personal and that was my business. he asked if there was anything i needed to say to him. i said that i was trying to understand things and asked that if he had "planned" the introduction of the OW to his mother. he said didn't go into details (how the meeting was set up) but that he didn't have a choice because his mom knew, i asked how and he said he had to tell them because i was in the hospital. i asked where his family stood on things, he said that none of them approve but they are glad that he is finally happy. i asked specifically about his dad and he said that of course his dad doesn't think it's appropriate or the right way to handle things. he said that he's been honest about it and i said that he is not being honest, that every day that he doesn't wear his wedding ring that he is lying and that when he started to have feelings for this girl and didn't tell me that he wasn't being honest.

he said a lot of fog talk, how that he was just in such a hopeless place in his life when the A happened. that he is to blame and that he is messed up, he's not proud of what he's done, etc. but he still believed that he was the same core person deep down, that he has noticed some changes in me and hoped that "that" wouldn't change. i said that if we were truly the same people that we both thought we were then we wouldn't be in the situation we were in and that i wasn't sure who he was anymore.

he would agree w/me on something but also say "but" a lot. that he wasn't sure how things were going to work out. i told him that there was a cost to all of this and that i do want him to be happy and that some time down the road that he likes where he's at and doesn't feel that he regrets what's happenes. he said he thinks about that every day, thinks about the choices he's making. i said that thinking about them doesn't really do anything.

he said that the OW did choose to date him but that i shouldn't hold any animosity to her to hold all that to him. i said i don't hate her or want anything to happen to her but that he was indeed not just hurting me but everyone around him including this girl. that it was disrespectful and was not showing any regard to another human being by introducing this girl to his mother. he said he was going to have to go because he had a final in 20 minutes, i said that he has made some choices and that he chose to call me and needed to see it through. he said he couldn't be late for his final but he still had 20 minutes to talk.

i asked what he was doing to help himself. basically, he said trying to pass his classes and work and that was about it. he said that it was horrible that this is what it took for me to change and that it didn't have to be that way that he kept hoping that i would change and that he was just so hopeless when the A happened and feels like he's close to a nervous breakdown. i told him that (this was approved by SH) "neither one of us is going to be alone and yet both of us are moving on but that i've realized so much over the last few months about things, i didn't meet your needs and i wasn't the wife that he needed to me but based on my realizations i know you could be really happy w/me because i know why you weren't."

he said he realized that probably a lot of the changes i had made was because of him and i said that it wasn't just because of him that it was for me too and he just said "good." but said that he thinks it must have been something that he did in our M to have made me change (as opposed to the girl he marrried) and didn't know what he did, maybe it was that he didn't feel like he could talk to me anymore and that he feared me. i said and based on these revelations that we both have had that i know we can have a marriage that was better before.

we talked again about finances and i said that all this was going to cost financially too but he has made some choices. he said he knew that he was going to be screwed financially for years. i told him that i can't even by a gallon of milk (which is true), and he was surprised even though he had started paying some of the bills. i said that some of the bills had been late so there was late fees and that i did get the package he sent me yesterday (some mail) and that the insurance bill that was due the 29th was almost $300 and i hadn't planned for that. he said that i could have all of his Gi bill money next month ($985) and i said that wouldn't be enough, he said it was almost a thousand dollars and i just said it wasn't enough and he just said "what for other things" i took this to mean him making up for what he's done to me. i said that if i got another place to rent so that i could get the dogs that say it cost $600, they want one month deposit plus a non-refundable pet fee that it could be $1400-1500.

he said that he has thought about it and that he could just take all the bills and file for bankruptcy and then i would be fine. i said that would be in essence the easy way out and that this is the path that he has chosen and he said yeah, you're right. i said it would be helpful to really start thinking about how he spends his money. he said he will but that things are slow at work right now, i did't say anything because "oh well."

I also said in a very calm way w/pauses that the relationship he has w/this girl started as an A and that wil NEVER NEVER change. I don't remember if he said anything after that. i tried to let him go because it was getting time for his final and he thanked me for the way i've been and that he was glad we could talk and that we've had some conversations lately that we hadn't had in 7-8 years and he was glad. i said that it could continue to be that way and he just said he hoped so that no matter what happens he hopes so and that he will always love me. i said that i loved him and would be here for him and then we said good bye.

okay, thanks for hanging in there and reading this, tell me what you think, i gotta go, prayers to all of you.

<small>[ April 28, 2004, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

^

RR,

He sounds like he is deep in the fog and it almost sounds like it may be time for a Plan B. I know that being apart in different states made it so difficult for you to do a Plan A and maybe some others would like to chime in here, but you have to protect yourself, especially financially.

If he thinks that filing for bankruptcy is going to get him out of his financial mess, he may be wrong and even if he does, it is going to hurt him for a loooong time. This is not an easy solution at all. Bankruptcy can influence a person's life in many different aspects. But maybe he has to learn this the hard way. YOU should protect yourself from this though because YOU have done nothing to deserve this. Maybe you can talk to a lawyer or a financial advisor to see how to best protect yourself.

He is gonna have a lot of pressure riding on him and it going to put even more pressure on his relationship with OW and I'm not sure if she'll be able to handle this in the end. She is very young and probably still a bit immature. We all remember being 20 years old and seeing life through rose-colored glasses.... Well, life is more than just "I love you's" and bouquet's of roses and love letters, isn't it??? It can turn on you real quick. But hey, she's got Mom and Dad to run back to... Who's he going to run back to?

Your H sounds very confused and he thinks there is an easy way out, but unfortunately there isn't...

I hope that other's will reply to your post as well and I hope that together we can find a solution for you that will work best for YOU.

Hang in there!

Kati

thanks kati, i hope things are going well for you. i had a session w/SH this morning and will be posting that as soon as i can type it.