Hello everyone,

I still visit often but feel less inclined to contribute or post simply because I don't want others to lose hope of recovery reading my signature. I am certainly not a "template" to live by...however, I do identify intimately with the pain of the BS.

Today, it may be the clouds or the cooler temperatures but somehow, I needed to touch base with MB...the one place that has helped me to grow and survive.

I was at a function with D, my IL's, my SIL/BIL/neice. It was the communion of a son of one of my oldest and best friends with whom my IL's had become close to over the years. Of course, my H was not invited. However, my IL's picked us up (it's strange but we've become so much CLOSER). It was a lovely day. Lots of kids...music...dancing...D took the microphone and sang "Dancing Queen" (Abba) and a Shania song...stole the show. My MIL had tears...me, well, I was proud. The musician attributed her talent to it "running in the family"...H and I were very close to this guy in the "old days."

Many people came up to me later and said "you're doing a great job"..."looks like she's adusting well"..."she loves people"..."she's so well behaved"...but hey, she hasn't seen her 'dad's place' yet...nor has she met his GF...

So, why I do still feel so empty??? I hate myself for this. Maybe it's because I needed to share her moment with him and why do I still need to do that??? I guess LOTS more time will have to pass...

Fast forward to the next day...H wants to help me clean up the garage and the backyard...he's going to take a day or two off...can I do the same...talk about people, things at the function...then he mentions that we should talk about things since he's stuck in an apartment and needs to change that as soon as possible...etc.

Okay, I say. Let's talk. He says not today but this week. Sure.

Still not ready for this next step but I guess I have no choice.

Just need help to get me ready. Thanks.

i'm sure others will reply soon, they are great, when i've reached out for extra support they've come (like today). i wish you strenght in doing whatever you decide to do. have you counseled w/SH? i'm probably sure you've done some sort of counseling over this long period of time but i'm relatively new here so don't know your whole story. prayers to you,

Hello RR, Thanks for your words of encouragement. Yes, I have counselled with Steve but perhaps it's time for another appt.

Best wishes to you too...along with prayers.

I think this is the best news I have heard from you in a long time....

so what are YOU going to talk about...
what's on YOUR agenda...

ark

Dear Ark...good to hear from you. Think of you often and see that you're still helping many...

What is on MY agenda?

Hm...I would like to ask him if he's happy. However, I think I have to go against my instincts and ask him whether he minds if I take the lawnmower since I now am able to start it.

It's really a division of assets discussion that HE wants. Should I not give him what he wants?

As always, I look forward to your reply.

I'd like to ask him if he's happy...

Terr....why not take a sledge hammer and paint a bullseye on your forhead and take a swing at yourself...because that would make more sense than asking him the master manipulator a question like that....

lets see...how would he answer that...

1. ofcourse I am....and even scarier than his answer...you'd believe him....
puke and ughhhhh

people that are happy about leaving their spouses...really really happy about it and believe in that choice.......
the first thing they do ...is they DO it...
all the way..
officially...
and in a way that takes full responsibility for ending it thus...
and act in a way the lessons the pain, trauma and horror they ACCEPT they are inflicting...

they don't hide in an apartment for years...being mean and cowardly in their interactions....
they step up to the plate and do what needs to be done ...to complete their happiness....
and they ensure the safety and wellbeing of their children...not lay that burden soley at their spouses feet but sit back and judge and critisize...

agree???

Please don't dither about lawn mowers....
you take control of this interaction..

first off the first thing I would do...is see what day he suggests...and tell him ooooh I'm glad you are free that day...
I have a social event I wanted to attend...and since you are available..you watch our daughter...and I can go.....

don't be available at his first suggestion...because that is exactly what he expects...
and go somewhere...all dressed up..
happy
and go out front of him...no info no details ...be back at XXX perhaps we can chit chat then...

second of all it's your lawn mower....
tell him you lost it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
say shoot I swear it was just here the other day...oh bother....
but here's all those pictures and stuff....

ask him if he MINDS... if he MINDS... MINDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you take the lawn mower....
oh terr...
hand me the sledge hammer.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

what is that you NEED to know....

ARK

Gotta agree with ark, there, Terri -

So glad to hear from you, and I read all your posts whenever you post - I also don't post much anymore. H and I have recovered to a certain point, but not the "MB" way - there are still lots of "hanging chads" in our R..

Still - I am REALLY afraid that you are going to end up like my mom -

My mom is now in the end throes of cancer, and I saw her probably for the last time last week - just got off the phone with her. Point being that I feel like I am witnessing the endgame of one of the players in this terrible drama of the R between my mom, my dad, and my dad's OW. The week I spent there, my dad was also there, so I could see that many of the dynamics which drove their "triangle" are still all in full flow, even though they have been divorced for 30 YEARS!!
I am not saying this to elicit any sympathy for myself - but it breaks my heart to see what my mother allowed to happen to her...

My mother was treated very badly by my father, and my mother is still loved by my father's whole family - while I was there, they all came over to see her. All of my aunts and uncles feel very strongly on my mother's side in the whole matter, even now at the end of her life. My father at the age of 79, still has all the same personal issues that he had when he was 39. Why? Because he CHOOSES to be that way - and it is very clear that they are both locked in a perpetual blame game with each other - she sees herself as the victim (and she is), and he sees himself as put upon, both play out the role of martyr. My father, at age 79, is still acting out the role of WS, even though he is remarried to the OW. Bizarre.

What do I see? What do I try to learn from this? What do I want to take away from having had to be the witness of this? That I never want to be like my mother, who ALLOWED my father to victimize her - she STAYED TIED TO HIM emotionally all her life, she CARED. Yes, she had real love for him, but she could NOT let go - could not let go of the marriage, could not let go of the hurt, could not let go of WISHING she would have handled things differently, could not let go of HOPING (even as late as this year) that things would fall apart between him and OW, and that he would come back to her. Terri- have love, but LET GO. If he cannot treat you right, put him out of your life and STOP going over and over emotionally the fact that he is not there to see his D do all these wonderful things. My dad preferred to spend my 11th birthday with his OW - you know what, I have to accept that - but I am also able to say that despite all his wonderful qualities, he still treated us like S**T. Whenever you find yourself saying "If only...", "I wish...", "How come he can't...", "When is he going to...", and "I wonder if he is really happy...", honey you are digging your own grave.

This perpetual victimhood has literally cost my mother her life - she refused to have a mammogram when the doctor wanted her to, and even now, she is angry and wants to blame her condition on the doctors.

Only you can take charge of your life, Terri - as a daughter, it is the ONE thing I wanted to see my mother do - I wanted to see her leave my dad and the OW spitting in her dust...

You still have a chance to do that, Terri - if he wants to split up the assets, do it and get it over with and get him out of your life...he doesn't deserve you, and as long as you open yourself up to pain, he will be there to dish it out to you.

My mother is a beautiful person, that's why everyone loves her so much, even my dad's whole extended family. Anyone who has read your posts knows that you, too are a beautiful person - shoot, even your H knows it...

But only you can stand up for you in the end....don't be a victim forever, Terri...love yourself.

I have the utmost respect for you, and I remember all your posts, and know how hard it is to face your H when he is angry. Ark puts her thoughts over so well, I could just KISS her!! And I tend to get long-winded - but I share this with you because I care. I don't want you to end up like my mom.

(((Terri)))

LIR

Terri,
Your daughter is terrific because you ARE doing a good job. You are stable, you are there, you are loving, you are a wonderful caregiver.

You deserve every good thing that anyone there said about you and your daughter.

Seeing her dad's apartement isn't going to shake her world. She already knows he sleeps somewhere. And, nobody has met the GF. IF that ever happens, your H will probably arrange it so that D doesn't know the woman is significant. In any case, you don't have real control over that, but since D doesn't go to his apartment, is that a real, present worry?

I suspect "helping" you clean the garage & backyard eases his conscience. However, it's the kind of situation that he often uses to tell you how "wrong" you are or how badly you are taking care of things.

If you take him up on it, look at it as free labor, but expect to pay the price in his negativity. If he would behave--it's an unexpected bonus.

I would assume that everything you currently have is yours to keep. Obviously he hasn't had need or want of it.

When my H truly wanted a divorce--he told me I could keep the business, the house, the furniture...all he wanted was O-U-T. When he didn't want the divorce, he wanted to do asset/liability lists. It was a postponement technique.

Like Ark says, (and I know I've said it before too) your H's dithering and divorce action avoidance does NOT speak of a man who clearly knows what he is doing.

And...he might be immersed in his limbo & inertia, but nothing you've ever posted about him indicates that he is a happy person.