First off, please know that my husband is a wonderful father and basically a very good man. We've just got a problem that I don't know how to solve. Up until the birth of our daughter several years ago, my husband and I both managed our own checkbooks, split the bills, etc. We were both single for a very long time, I had been involved in an ugly divorce years ago that almost ruined me financially, and we were both just more comfortable keeping that level of independence when we married. When our little girl was born, we decided to combine our resources and my husband offered to handle all of the bills. I assumed that I would still be “in the loop” where our finances were concerned. I was very wrong. It has now come to the point that I have no access to our checkbook, bank balance or anything related to our finances. I am given only a small amount of cash for necessities at work and have no money to use for haircuts, cosmetics, work clothing, even washing my car – unless I go to him to ask for it and can justify it. It feels like begging. He picks up all of our bills from a post office box and pays them while he is at work. When I ask him about our finances, he insists that we have nothing to spare, becomes defensive and it always turns into an argument. Last week, I found the checkbook and now know that we have a sizeable account balance and that we are not struggling at all. Having money in the bank should be a good thing but instead I feel deceived and betrayed. I am not a spender - in fact, I am probably more frugal than he is. I can't imagine that he wouldn't trust me with more than $20 at a time but that's exactly what it feels like. I have a very good job and provide the majority of our income right now - am I wrong to feel like I deserve atleast equal control of our finances? I no longer have any sense of independence. Years of internalizing my feelings and resenting the control he exercises over my life has gradually eroded my respect for him and that makes me very sad. There was a time when he was my knight in shining armor, I really trusted and believed in him. I miss that. I don’t know what to do.
I think my Love Bank is almost empty and he won't go to counseling. He is actually a psychologist and says that there is nothing anyone else can do for us that we can't just handle ourselves. But, he refuses to discuss any problems so nothing will ever be "handled". I need help desperately. Any suggestions will be appreciated.
