First let me give you a general background. My husband and I were married when we were 17 and 18 years old because I was pregnant. Don't get me wrong...we loved each other and wanted to be married, it just happened a little sooner than expected. Well, our first 10-15 years went pretty good with the exception of having very little sex mostly on my part. I don't know why, I was just not interested in it. Always too tierd or stressed out I guess. My body just physically was not into it. After the birth of our daughter when our son was 11, things gradually began to change. I was staying at home with her and working part time for him in his business. The sex got better, but I didn't do everything that I should have to help in his business. So now there was another problem, different from the first one. My mom passed away when my daughter was 3, and from there, I really was lost. I ran into a guy that I went to school with whom had also just lost his mom, and we started to talk on the phone. NOTHING ever happened other than that, but needless to say, my husband found out that we were talking and then of course, in his eyes, I was having an affair, even though I wasn't. Well, after about 5 years, I finally came to terms with my moms death and with life in general. I realized a lot of things and the importance of my husband and my family and that I have not always been the wife to him that I needed to be. At about this same time, he had his 39th birthday and started going through some issues of his own as far as his age went and he felt like since the first part of his life wasn't that great, that he would make the most of the rest of it. So, he started going out alot and leaving me and his 8-9 year old daughter alone alot. He was not meeting my needs emotionally at all, after begging him too, and didn't include me in any part of his life other than the business, which I had finally started doing my part in. I was finally being the wife that he needed and wanted and asked me to be, and he was closing the door on me. He even stopped wearing his wedding ring because he said "he didn't want people to know that he was married and wasn't sure that he wanted to be anymore either." Well, after MONTHS of this, I met a guy that showed me some attention by talking to me and saying nice things to me and again, I started talking to him. Well, we met once and during that brief meeting, he kissed me. I knew that this was wrong fromt he beginning, but felt my husband had already bailed out on me and had excepted that. And during the times that he was going out, (3-4 nights a week) he was going to a strip club some of the time too. Well, this guy, decided that he needed to stop and come clean with his wife. So he did. We had already decided to stop this anyway, (after only 2-3 weeks) but needless to say, when he told her, she called my husband and told him. Well, now things really are a mess. This just happened 4 days ago and he stayed at home all but the first night, but now says that he wants to leave because he needs some space. And he has been saying that since before this happened anyway. He swears that he loves me and has been faithful to me and takes part of the blame for pushing me away. But he still says that all of those years ago,for years, when we weren't having sex that he stayed faithful to me, and that after only 6 months, I turned to someone else for the attention. And this thing was never about the sex. It was about the attention that I was receiving. I don't want my husband to move out, I feel that this will only pull us apart further, but he says that being with me makes that happen. What do we need to do now? He says that he thinks that things will turn out OK, but that he needs time. I am afraid that if he takes that time since I already have felt deserted by him, and since he already had feelings of not wanting to be with me anyway, that this make that worse. I need some advise on which way to go. I don't want our daughter to get hurt in this, and I feel that if he leaves, it will devastate her! (she is a daddy's girl) What do I do now? I don't want my marriage to end, but we keep on blaming each other and we need to stop and just start over! Please give any advise that you can. I just don't know what to do anymore!
Thanks!

lepm,
I'm the first to respond so welcome to MB. Sorry you're here but this is the place to be if you want to save your marriage (M).

A couple of things to help people know your story. When you type try to break your post into smaller paragraphs. When reading single long paragraphs its easy to get lost and tough on the eyes.

Have you read all of the Harley concepts up on the main page? If not you should start with that. To get the most out of the opinions of the people on this board, you need to understand the basic consepts.

Sounds like you an your H (husband) both need to learn to communicate better.

Please don't take this personally. It's really meant to offer the help that you asked for.

OK. Your post seemed to be filled with alot of rationalizations of your behavior. One of the first things you'll learn is the difference between marital issues and the reasons for affairs. Both spouses create the environment of the marriage. He didn't meet your needs and vice versa.

However having an affair, kissing another man, whatever inappropriate behavior was a choice that you made. Your H may want to move out because he senses that you blame him for your behavior. Nothing makes a betrayed spouse (BS) more confused or angry. T

If your H had the same oppurtunities w/ other women (OW) but didn't act on it out of a sense of loyalty, morals etc to either you or your daughter, there is probably alot of resentment on his part as well.

H has probably lost a great deal of trust. Read up on the main page on how to restore it.

Need to go.

Good luck.

cwmac

Originally posted by lepm:
very little sex mostly on my part. I don't know why, I was just not interested in it. Always too tierd or stressed out I guess. My body just physically was not into it.

First this...

He even stopped wearing his wedding ring because he said "he didn't want people to know that he was married and wasn't sure that he wanted to be anymore either."

And then this....

And during the times that he was going out, (3-4 nights a week) he was going to a strip club some of the time too.

And this too....

but now says that he wants to leave because he needs some space. And he has been saying that since before this happened anyway.

Yes, not surprising...

all of those years ago,for years, when we weren't having sex that he stayed faithful to me, and that after only 6 months, I turned to someone else for the attention.

This is unimaginably painful for him....

And this thing was never about the sex.

Sure sex is important to you husband .... it's as important for your husband as loving conversation is for you...

You were more than willing to cut your H off from sex .... how loving is that?

Imagine you H refused to have any conversation with you for years.... how loved would you feel?

Read "The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands"

by Dr. Laura .... I think this will really help your situation.

Good luck.

Pep

For starters, is there anything you left out? Why did OM come clean to his W? Did you have sex with him? if so, how many times? Did you do anything besides kiss?

Do you suspect your H has cheated on you?

Kind of hard to give advice without knowing these two vital pieces of info. let us know.

Hey all. Sorry it took a little while to get back. SO much happening. And on this thing that I did with the other guy...no, we did not sleep together. And his wife has now taken out a restraining order on me too. Not that I haven't left him alone. I guess that she just feels that that is safer. H has decided that he needs to move out. Says that he needs time to figure things out and decide if he really loves me or can ever trust me again. I am so lost and scared. I can't believe how badly I messed things up! I don't want to lose him. This was just a HUGE mistake! How can I help him understand? How can I win back his love?

Please, I need any advise on how to survive this. I feel so alone and lost!