I found out a few days ago that my W (trixxie) had A with ex lover of 15 yrs ago, who is the father of her first child. He didnt know about child, bt she finally told him, and they got together. The first time, she said they just talked, however the second time, she told me they ended up going to bed together, and when she realized what she was doing and how wrong it was, she stopped. Even though she knew it was wrong before hand, and that it would break my heart. Well it did ! but i am here and she is here and we are trying to work things out and make our marriage better than it ever was.
I just need to know, how do i go about even trying to trust her again, how do i know that when she told me she loved me, that she really meant it. how do i know that she didnt lie to me about our whole life together. I guess her coming home to me, and having the courage to tell me about the A counts for a lot, but i still have a million questions.

She wrote a no contact letter to him last night and told him that she would never talk to him again, but he says he will call her at work and possible even show up (he is 3 hrs away)there. How do i know she will have the strength to tell him where to go, when she is afraid she wont.

I am so angry with her, but trying not to have outbursts, just holding my temper, because i realize it wont do either of us any good in the long run.

How could she do this to me, knowing how much it would hurt me?????????

I love her and want to stay married to her, and want to work it out, but i am scared, hurt, angry, and every other emotion you could possibly think of.

How do i know she really wants to work it out with me, how do i know she really loves me, how do we start repairing this marriage?

Tommy -

This trust will not come overnight. You will have to work together to build that trust back. It will actually be better for you to not trust your spouse 100%. At least not the trust you had before. That's my personal thoughts.

I am a BS as well so I know what you are feeling. I think you will find great help on this board. People here are glad to see the WS and the BS posting. That allows help from both angles.

So trust won't come back quickly and while you are healing try not to LB. Your W knows what she's done...no need to remind her of that. Help her deal with her guilt and you'll find yourself on the recovery board in no time at all.

Hi Tommy,
Fellow male BS here.


You said...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am so angry with her, but trying not to have outbursts, just holding my temper, because i realize it wont do either of us any good in the long run.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's a good first step. If you are like me it will be hard. I had several outbursts. Called her most of the names ie slut ...

Didn't exactly help our recovery. Just delayed it.

These outbursts usually came after even a small amount of alcohol. If you're even a social drinker you maywant to stop drinking if only temporarily until your M gets on steadier ground.

When I first came to MB I was advised to get on anti-depressants if I started to feel depressed. I ignored the advise. I wish I hadn't. Depression is progressive. Better to treat it immediately.

Hope that helps a bit.

cwmac