My FWH and I are working hard on recovery. Our D-day was back in Feb. Husband confessed to 4 PA's over our 24 years together. We have a 17 year old son and a 22 year old daughter. My question is we were trying to keep his affairs from our children, but son has found out about them -- d/t my being on message boards and a letter I wrote my husband that he saw. Our question is our daughter lives out of state and does not know about the PA's. Should we tell her? My FWH and our daughter are very close and when he talks about telling her he breaks down and cries, I even told him that I would tell her but he says no that she deserves to her it from him and that he has to own up to what he has done. I have even suggested that maybe we should not tell her. My daughter is getting married in August. FWH says that she has a right to know and that not telling her would be unfair to her, that she needs to know this information before getting married, he has concerns that she will hate him. ( I know that would never happen, she may be mad but would never hate him) also that she would not want him at her wedding. What do we do... do children need to know? How does he tell her?

T.Anne, I think y'all are looking at this the wrong way. You are viewing this as the exposure of fallen man. Rather, it should be viewed as a fallen man RISING from the dirt in a true demonstration of character and strength. Your H is becoming a good man by facing his shortcomings with courage.

Yes, he should tell his daughter about what has happened - and tell her now. But also tell her about the great remorse that he feels and what he is doing to repair the damage.

That is the trait of a good man, T.Anne, and your daughter will recognize this. Greatness does not come in perfection [no one is] but in how we handle our shortcomings.

<small>[ April 26, 2004, 07:55 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

T.Anne....I am the FWW and I also have a son that is 22 and a daughter that is 18, almost just the opposite of your kids. My daughter and I are very close. My d-day was about 11 months ago and I went through a very severe time of depression. My daughter and I have always been able to read each other without saying a word. She knew something was very wrong and I told her about my A about 6 months ago. I just told our son about 3 weeks ago. I felt like if our daughter knew about it so should he.

His reaction was somewhat surprising. He wanted to call the OM and give him a "piece of his mind". I told him that OM was no more at fault than I was and that I had made a terrible mistake and one that I would always regret. He told me that he had noticed how different I was back while the A was going on. I was always buying new clothes, I started exercising and many times was late getting home from work.

My situation is somewhat difficult because my H is not aware of the fact that I have told our childeren. I have not told him about it because he would be upset with me for telling them. My H is of the opinion that it should never be discussed and maybe we can just forget it happened. Well I can't just forget about it. This is the way he deals with everything that he can't control and that is his right I suppose.

Melody Lane's response to you is what I hope for my situation. I did my best to convince my son and daughter that H and I are ok and have actually grown closer because of all of this.

T Anne I have a 26 year old son and a 23 year old daughter.

I am the FWW and very close to my daughter and son.

My H told our son while I was in the house but not in the room. I went in afterwards and asked him if he was OK. He was quite laid back, said we needed to sort it between ourselves and he would give us space. I've spoken to him quite a lot since and he seems OK with things as long as H and I are together and working things through.

H and I told daughter together. She lives away from home. Her reaction was to cry, get in her car and drive away very fast. H went to her place and spoke very gently to her. I texted her on her phone and the next day she agreed to come round and talk. She wanted to call OM's wife straight away. We said that was up to us. H has since done this and daughter was very pleased. I spoke to daughter after H had done this and had a very good talk with her.

Since then we have talked quite a bit about it, not a lot because I can see it is quite painful for her but I have told her she can talk to me any time she likes. Our mother/daughter relationship is unscathed. We are still very, very close.

Does this help?

Jenny

Thank you for your responses, these really help, I feel alittle better about telling her. My husband wants to talk to her tonight.. sooo I am on edge. Again thanks.

T.anne I am overseas so the time looks very late but it is only 7.00pm here. Your H may have already spoken to your daughter.

My daughter didn't want to speak to me as I was the "one in the wrong" and you may need to talk to her very gently. I re-read your post and saw 4 PA's of your husbands. If your H is going to tell her about all of them be prepared for her to be very hurt and very shocked.

Because my daughter and I have always been very close we managed to get through this.

I hope all goes well for you. Be prepared for some fall out. Just be there for her. When you are 22 things are very black and white.

Jenny

Yes, I would tell her before she finds out from someone else. She deserves to hear both of ya'lls take on it. And I agree with MelodyLane, this is about a man rising.

My step-son (23) just found out from me this past weekend about his dad (having affair). I couldn't hide the fact I was upset about something and that his dad was not reachable.

We had an amazing afternoon talking. Although we spoke of the affair and he was very upset with this information about his dad. We spent more time speaking about how good a man his dad is.
It helped me to see my husband better as I had someone elses input I trust also.

In fact, we covered so much ground that it gave us a chance to vocalize how my step son and my relationship was important to each of us.
We were not custodial parents but he is like a son to me. And, he expressed his appreciation of me. I take great pride in that he seeks me out for advice or that in recent months as his dad was starting to act strange that he was coming to the house to check on me. (odd how others saw this coming, just as I was suspecting the affair)

I say all this as I think this holds true with any child and their parent. My step son expressed concern over his dads failures as something that he will repeat. This scares him.
Once I picked up this thinking from him, I made a point to remind him of the absolutely great qualities his dad has (and qualities he has in himself)

Tell your daughter. Make sure you tell her about the man you love with his faults. I think it would be sad to think we only taught or shared with our children only the good things in life.
They need to know how to deal with things when times are bad.

Whitefeather, lovely reply. Your stepson is lucky to have you.

Especially how we should share the good and bad with our children. My family (especially my mother) was the type that doesn't think children should be included in the "bad" things. Of course you pick up the vibes anyway. My family also used to sweep things under the carpet. Bad things were never to be discussed again. My sister was attacked by a man she met at a party when she was 21 and beaten up, nearly raped. After my mother told me and she had to, my sister was bruised on her face, it was never mentioned again. Sounds impossible but that is what happened. I only talked about it with my sister when we were in our 30s.

I hope all goes well with you T.anne.

Jenny