Help, he says he never meant to hurt me, but he wants to move out. I told him I could forgive him if he would just tell me the truth. He will not let this happen. What do I do?

hurt, you just very calmly let him know that you don't want him to move, but you will not stop him if he wants to go. No begging and no pleading. Then come back here and let us help you develop a strategy. You will be ok.

Listen to Melody. Let him go, tell him you want to stay married, but if he must go, then he must. There is still lots of hope. Do not beg or plead. Tell him he is free to go.

This is just act one in the play.

I'm very scared. We have both been very hurtful the last few days. I told him this morning that i would do anything to make it work. He said he wants to leave. I am afraid he is going to run to OW. He seems very unable to forgive himself for this mess. I asked him why he couldn't let me forgive him and he would not answer. I am losing my mind...and I took a sick day today to deal with myself, but I can't keep doing that. I have to find a way to do my job.

hurtnp try something like this, I prefer that you stay and we work on our marriage, but if you want to leave I will help you find an apartment and help you move out. I'm not sure if this is the MB thing to do but it shows that you are the bigger person. One other thing don't beg or act needy.

ok, hurt, you need to understand something here. The only reason a WS moves out is so they can conduct their affair unimpeded. I am sorry to tell you this, but the sooner you understand what is happening, the better able you can deal with it.

Any pleading or begging will only make the situation worse. MUCH WORSE. It will make him want to flee you EVEN MORE. However, if you ACT calm and tell him you will miss him but won't stand in his way, you will GIVE HIM PAUSE. He probably does not really want to leave but he won't realize that unless you REMOVE YOURSELF AS AN OBSTACLE.

Begging and pleading will only work against you.

If he does carry through and move out, he will quickly see that all is not rosy on the other side. If he is not getting his needs met by you anymore, it quickly takes the shine off the affair and it loses it's fantasy aspect.

He says he's going as soon as he finds somewhere to go. I feel like I pushed him out because of our exchange of very hateful things last night. I told him I couldn't live this way one of us had to go. He said I should stay with the kids and keep them in their house.
Today I told him I didn't really want him to go. Actually I told him I would do anything to keep him here. His dad is talking to him tomorrow. He is very upset at WH and is going to let him know how dumb he is being. Will this be a good thing? He already claims I am turning his entire family against him. Why is it so hard for him to let me forgive him?

hurt, just play it cool and see if he calms down. But don't let him blackmail you into silence with threats of leaving. Sometimes they use this threat just to shut the BS up from asking unpleasant questions. Just don't make a deal with the devil and allow yourself to be cowered into silence, ok?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnp:
<strong> Why is it so hard for him to let me forgive him? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He doesn't want forgiveness, he wants to carry on his affair unimpeded.

The whole issue started because I have been exposing the affair to everyone. I even started talking to OW's H. She has filed for D claiming he was very abusive. He seems nice to me, but I know he is playing a game to win his marriage back, too. I played along and talked to him about things gooing on between our spouses. My H is now furious with me that I have been talking to this man. I swore to H last night that I would not talk to OW's H anymore. He said the damage was already done.

everyone here is right. Don't beg him to stay, I did that and it backfired. If I had calmly let him go maybe the images of that day wouldn't be so painful. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

hurt, the damage is your H's affair, not your exposure of his affair. You should not let him bully you into thinking that your exposure is the problem, it is not.

You are under no obligation to help him hide his affair from his victims. The OW's H is a VICTIM of your husband and his GF. Of course, OWH needs your help in getting his marriage back. You should be helping this man, you should not be helping your H and his GF hide their sleazy affair.

And yes, WS do get angry when they are exposed. But that's ok, they get over it. They don't like being busted and being embarrassed for their behavior. But it is a necessary component of hastening the end of the affair. It makes the affair problematic when it is exposed and not nearly as much fun.

So don't let him make you feel guilty for exposing his affair. You did nothing wrong and he knows it.

oops!

<small>[ April 26, 2004, 09:02 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Thanks everyone, I've had a really bad day. Spent the day at my mothers in bed. My kids and H think I was at work. H says that he will still be here every morning to watch the kids during the day. Since he works evenings that is the only time he will see them. My father-in-law says I should not let him. What do you think?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnp:
<strong> I swore to H last night that I would not talk to OW's H anymore. He said the damage was already done. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would you not talk to the OWH again? You need each other to help put an end to this affair. Don't help your H and his GF destroy your marriages, hurt. That is all you will acheive if you stop talking to her H. Don't help them destroy you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnp:
<strong> Thanks everyone, I've had a really bad day. Spent the day at my mothers in bed. My kids and H think I was at work. H says that he will still be here every morning to watch the kids during the day. Since he works evenings that is the only time he will see them. My father-in-law says I should not let him. What do you think? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you should let him, hurt. I don't see why not. Your kids are better off with their dad and it will give you opportunities to Plan A him.

What reasons did your FIL have for not letting him sit with the kids?

hurt, why do I get the feeling that all this drama is just a manipulative attempt to shut you up? You are making things uncomfortable for his little fantasy with your exposure and he is throwing a fit, trying to scare you into shutting up. That is what it sounds like to me.

Tell me if I am off in my thinking here.

FIL is very angry that H is doing this to begin with. FIL is our babysitter and says the kids can stay with him. Let H deal with the loss since he is making a bad choice. I agree with you. The kids need their dad. He is a good dad and loves the kids. It's me he has the love issue with. I am going to ask him one more time tonight not to go. Then I will just have to deal with the loss.
OWH must have said something to someone that set H off last night. He was very angry. Said I told OWH personal stuff just to punish WS. Well, the only thing "personal" was that H and I were still being intimate. I knew OWH would tell OW! I think maybe H got into hot water with OW so I took the brunt of his anger. I was blamed for everything wrong under the sun last night. Today H is taking the blame again saying he has caused all the hurt and he is sorry for it. Will this mess ever end?

Melody,
About the OWH...I am not sure what type of person he is. I have this feeling he is playing games with me as well, but am just not sure. That is why I thought it best if I didn't talk to him anymore right now.
However...the best line I've heard from WS is about the OWH..."You have invited an abusive monster into our family. If he hurts our kids I will kill him." One...OWH has never seen our kids, unlike OW who has had lunch with them several times. Two...I didn't sign the invitation, H did when he started this A with OW.
Great one HUH!

Yes, this mess will end. Right now it just seems like it won't. This too, shall pass.

I know you already know this. Maybe I'm mainly saying it cause I need to be reminded of it too.

dewt