My H left for 4 days for OW. A has been going on since February. I am six months pregnant.I was very ill with vomiting and anxiety and trying to cope. He doesn't want the baby to be harmed from him leaving. He states he is not going to be with me has a strong connection with OW and wants to be with her. We are done. He has given me two options. One is for him to leave. Two is for him to stay and be roomates while he sees OW until the baby is born.

Obviously I want NC but he can't do that. He wants to be with OW.

What should I do? I think I know but want input.

<small>[ April 26, 2004, 09:04 PM: Message edited by: The Tinman ]</small>

durham, the most horrible thing I can envision for you is living with him while he carries on an affair right under your nose. I cannot think of anything more cruel for you to endure.

It might make him "feel" good and help him pretend like he isn't really abandoning you and the baby, but it does nothing for you. Don't help him assuage his much deserved guilt at your expense.

His suggestion is profoundly cruel and profoundly SELFISH. I hope you realize this and tell him no thanks, you won't settle for a "roommate" while he ruts like a pig with another pig.

In the meantime, I would contact an attorney in order to protect yourself financially. Secondly, I would quickly move to Plan B and let him see what it is really like to not have you around to meet his needs. That might give him a cold, rude awakening.

Are you in touch with the OW's H?

I don't want to keep him here in hopes that he would stay and once the baby is here deal with him leaving. I asked him which he preferred to leave or stay and he said stay. Why? because he doesn't want to hurt the baby or my health. At the same time he said he wants to be with her everyday, live with her, and so on but can't. I think he just doesn't want to deal with the guilt of not being here.

Take my advice with a grain of salt, b/c I may have no clue....

But here goes.

Let's examine the options as you present them.
Option 1:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> One is for him to leave. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let's come back to this one....

Option 2:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Two is for him to stay and be roomates while he sees OW until the baby is born.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, this one sure looks like a winner, now doesn't it? He removes himself from personal guilt and external scorn by leaving his 6-month pregnant wife, by "being there" for you. You get to worry constantly about where he is, wishing he was with you and the like, the stress probably doing more harm to the baby in the process.

MB has taught me this. Marriage should be win-win or no deal. Do both parties win in Option 2? Not likely. The lone benefit to Option 2 is the ability to Plan A your husband.

I personally have never had a baby (being a man and all) but from what I understand it is quite the mental, physical and emotional undertaking. I DO know that having a WS in an affair is a mental, physical and emotional undertaking. I certainly don't think you need to attempt both. The baby is coming to you, one way or the other. Your WH may or may not be coming to you.

With that said, let's re-examine Option 1.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> One is for him to leave. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Handled properly, this would be MY recommended option. (Remember, my advice is free. You get what you pay for.) I would explain (in a very Plan A and non-LB manner) to your WH that you don't want him to leave, and would appreciate (not need) his assistance with the birth of HIS child. You can not and do not want to endure the pain that him living with you and seeing OW will put you through. Period. But you do not wish to hold him against his will. If he chooses to go, then let him leave without begging or pleading. He has just eliminated a large portion of your stress if he does. You can focus your energy on what is truly the most important thing. Your child.

I'll pass along a lesson I learned fairly early on in this A game. Protect YOU first and foremost. You can be kind to your WS, meet needs, blah blah. The cold truth is that you need to look out for you (and your child) first, b/c he sure as he!! isn't.

I hope that this helped, some.

Good Luck,
Ethan

<small>[ April 26, 2004, 08:47 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong> My H left for 4 days for OW. A has been going on since February. I am six months pregnant.I was very ill with vomiting and anxiety and trying to cope. He doesn't want the baby to be harmed from him leaving. He states he is not going to be with me has a strong connection with OW and wants to be with her. We are done. He has given me two options. One is for him to leave. Two is for him to stay and be roomates while he sees OW until the baby is born.

Obviously I want NC but he can't do that. He wants to be with OW.

What should I do? I think I know but want input. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unless you are a fundamentalist mormon, the 2nd option is untenable.

Better for him to deal with his guilty conscience and let the OW lovebust him to death while he misses out on the birth of his child.

If you do this right, he might even be back before the baby is born.

It's time for Plan B, hard core. Read Leilana's thread about her WH's 2nd trip on the wild side and her response. Since he refuses NC with OW, even during this important time of his life, let him waller in the addiction and get a real good snoot-full of it without the fresh-air respite of being with you.

You'll be healthier and so will the baby if he's gone under the terms he's outlined. But it's got to be gone all the way, for your sake, and for his fog's sake.

After reading a few of the other posters I take back what I posted earlier. Mel is right and so is everyone else. He is just staying so he doesn't feel guilty, and if he's going to go see the OW while he's living there, oh that will be good for your stress. I agree Plan B is in order, you will feel better and won't have to worry about where he's at or what time he will be coming home. Less stress for you and your baby.

How do I plan B with a baby on the way? Baby's room, doctor's appointments, prenatal classes??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong> How do I plan B with a baby on the way? Baby's room, doctor's appointments, prenatal classes?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You plan the baby's room, drive yourself to doctors appointments and prenatal classes. That will wake him up real quick. You have an opportunity to throw some cold water on him in a big way, durham. If you go into plan b, he will feel extremely guilty, which will make his relationship very difficult with the OW.

He will start brooding and she will start lovebusting. He will quickly see that the grass is pretty brown on the other side, especially when he is missing his wife and the birth of his child. Don't help him avoid his guilt, durham, it is a powerful motivator and will bring strife into his affair.

Mel,

So if I stay at the house for the time being does he do any of the chores I can't because I am pregnant or do I find someone else to do that? Mowing ect???

He isn't exempt from any obigations or responsibilities. If his being around you is not healthy, then he may have to hire help, Otherwise, he needs to do his chores.

IMHO,
L,

Those of you in Plan B. Does you spouse come over while you are gone and take care of the house needs?

durham - can't reply much right now, but I agree with the Plan B option.

My only concern with this - aside from you getting the help you need - is whether he will actually go. You cannot MAKE him go unless you get some legal action, which depends on whether you own/rent and whose name your home is in.

But maybe he'll go just by you insisting.

I'll check back in later in the day.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong> Mel,

So if I stay at the house for the time being does he do any of the chores I can't because I am pregnant or do I find someone else to do that? Mowing ect??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Durham, you will need to find someone else to do that because there is to be no contact. You would start off sending him a Plan B letter after he leaves.

Durham,

When my eldest was born, my H was active duty military and there was about a 30% chance he'd be TDY (away) when the baby was born. He *was* TDY during part of the prenatal/LaMaze classes. I asked my best friend (girl) to go with me to the classes he couldn't go to, and she was going to be my coach in the delivery room if the baby came while my H was away.

So really - don't worry about the prenatal classes or being by yourself when the baby is born. Get a girlfriend or relative to be your coach.

durham76,

Are you a member of a church where you could seek help? Perhaps you and your H are members there, and you could get some help as well as exposing the affair.

Simply share the idea behind plan B, and that he is not welcome back into the home until he agrees to end the affair, send a NC letter than you both mail together, etc.

And see what assistance you might get there.

I'm sure you have neighbors, etc that may be able to help with some of the chores around the house as well.

I don't know if you are close to your family or not, but that too is a source of help.

Remember, you are not alone, it's just your H has been abducted by aliens.

Tony

thinking of you during the awful time in your life and hope that you are coming to some clarity. is your family being able to support you at all? what about your IL's? have you counseled w/anyone from MB? forgive me if you've answered these questions before. prayers to you.

I do have a counselor. My family and friends are supportive. I am very scared of living alone as I have never done that before. My H and I are high school sweethearts. I think I may stay with a friend until I adjust to the idea. So much is going through my head for the future and my child. I am trying to eat and not be sick but it is really hard.

Forget about the 2 pigs rutting (That was a good one Melody!) You absolutely, positively must go into Plan B. Even if you've never lived alone. It will be good for you. You will find calm and peace, and may even enjoy being by yourself.

Time to get strong, give him a Plan B letter, and send him on his way. Realize that for some reason, lots of men cheat when wife is pregnant. Try not to take it personally (I know, it is hard not to), and start taking care of YOU and your child.