Took my S to counselor for first time tonight. Needless to say, he is hurting, and shared with her that he felt as if he cannot express how he is feeling (like a volcano that is not allowed to erupt, were his exact words).

We had a relatively nice evening, when my s decided to call my WH and say goodnight. He has been spending a lot of his time on the phone with his Dad, basically GRILLING him for what he has done. This is by no prompting of me...this is fueled by my son's own thoughts on what is going on (unfortuneately he know, which is a long story, I posted on dewts recent kid post).

Anyway, he called Dad, and seemed really ready to unload. He was hurting. Dad put him off (saying he could not tlak right now), with an attitude (per my son), and my son was deeply hurt. He just erupted (pun intended) and cried and cried and cried. Sharing that his dad was always short and abrupt with him during their exchanges now. That he felt as if the helpful, kind Dad that he knew was gone, that his Dad did not seem interested in helping him during this time. He decided he does not want to go over there anymore during visitations with WH. I told my s that he was angry, that he needed to sleep on it.

He decided to call his Dad back, and just started by sharing how it hurt his feelings that Dad put him off during the earlier conversation. The I watched as my son totally poured out his heart, crying, sharing about how he was feeling.

S: I hurt so bad Dad, and I need your help

WH: Imagine how it hurts me when all you want to talk about when you call is the A. It had nothing to do with you. You are just a kid, and it does not involve you at all.

S: But Dad, it does involve me.

WH: But I was going to move out regardless of what happened. I have told you that over and over and over again.

S: But Dad, I find that hard to believe. And it does impact me.

WH: How?

S: Because you are not here. And you are not with my Mom, and we are all hurting, and you do not seem to want to help us stop hurting.

WH: How do you want me to help you?

S: I don't know. You are angry all the time, impatient, you don't want to listen to what I am saying, hear how I am feeling.

WH: But all you are ever saying is the about the same thing. And it is a topic that does not concern you. It had nothing to do with you. I would have left your Mom anyway. Etc.

And it went on and on and on and on. Until finally, I suggested to my son that he thank his Dad for listening, and get off the phone (he was in hysterics).

Help. I am in plan B. Need to share details of the counseling session with my WH via our intermediary...but, the fog is hurting them. And if my Dear Son cannot penetrate the fog, how the hell will I penetrate the fog? It seems utterly hopeless.

Curse the fog.

I'm so sorry that I can't come up with any advice for you. I can't even come up with advice that I should listen to myself, which seems to be my forte.

"It doesn't involve you..."

Sheesh.

I could scream.

dewt

One question... is there any way WH could speak directly with your son's counsellor?

dewt

Not a bad idea.

The freakin audacity(sp) that it doesn't involve your son what a crock of bullsh. Sorry Christy I'm really pissed. Your son is going to have questions and state his feelings, if that's not allowed well to bad WS. I think your son is acting more like a grown up then your WS is. I can feel your anger and steam way up here in the cold north. What ever you do though don't talk to your H and break Plan B, it's not worth it. If your H can't answer or deal with your sons questions and feelings well that's just tuff crap, he made his bed and let him lay in it. For now you need to be there for your son be the stable one for him, that's my opinion, I know this is breaking your heart and I'm sorry for that, hugs to you Christy hang in there. Comfort your son that's what he needs for now.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Whoa...

er... glad to be of service.

dewt (who is glad he actually came up with a good idea)

ChristyV,

I can't imagine the pain you're going through watching your son deal with this. My first H and I divorced, and he's the father of my daughters. That was hard on the kids, certainly, but they never had to deal with this kind of crap. Still, I was devastated watching what they *did* have to go through so I can only imagine what you're dealing with.

If your own son can't get through to your H, even when crying out for help, I honestly don't think talking to a counselor is a good idea at this time. Your H is so deep in the fog that nothing the counselor says will get through to him (his own son couldn't break through). Your H will most likely dismiss anything "your" counselor says simply because he is the counselor *you* are taking your son to.

I'm so sorry for all the hurt you're going through.

{{{{ChrisyV}}}} hugs to you!!!

<small>[ April 27, 2004, 08:44 AM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>

Christy,

IMO,you need to have your son do a Plan B too.Let him "talk" to his dad on paper(write down his feelings and send it) for now or at least,tell your WH that it is TOO MUCH for your son to discuss specifics about his relationship right now with son.As you know,when YOU get involved or interact with the WH it destroys you for that day or a couple days and then you have to recover.It's the same for your son.Unless your WH gets a clue about how he is hurting his son,your son needs to be protected from WH now.

GRRRR.There is nothing in WH responses that tells son that he loves him,that it's not his fault and that he is his priority.It's just damaging him to be talking with your WH.Don't let him do it anymore unless it's just small talk about son's day,that he loves him and that he is there for him.

The fog is impenetrable right now so just stay away.Shield yourself and your kids.


O

My son woke up this morning at 1 in the morning. He was crying, and told me his stomach was badly hurting (sharp pains) and he felt like he was going to throw up. I invited him to sleep with me, and I just held him and told him I loved him while he cried himself to sleep. He is losing patches of hair from all the anxiety, he just cannot take it anymore. And he is such a good boy.

I will advise my son that while I think it is important that he vent his feelings right now, and understand that he really WANTS to vent them right now to his Dad, that his Dad is not ready to hear them, so to reserve those talks to me and the counselor for now. I agree with Octobergirl's comments. WH is not in a place to validate anything but his "reasons" for having an affair...definitely not my son's hurt feelings about the affair. And it just hurts him worse everytime he tries to talk about this with his Dad.

These are MAJOR, HUGE, GIGANTIC love busters for me. As if an affair, all the hateful things he said, the ongoing affair, the money games, the manipulation, the whole damn thing wasn't enough to be a deal breaker...the suffering of my children is definitely going to be the deal breaker for me. Now I wonder if I would be better off ending the M, moving on, and we would be better off without him or the looming thought of "MAYBE" reconciling. We could have closure and move on. Unfortuneately, that may contain the pain for me, but their pain would still be ongoing.

What kind of heartless person would do this? Oh yeah, the same one who would have an affair. Lie to his wife. Betray his God. ETC ETC ETC ETC.

Christy,

I'm so sorry for your son.It made me cry to hear that he is losing hair but then I got really angry.You need to be like a mother bear and protect those kids.Think of your WH as a junkie.Don't let him interact with your kids until he is at least able to put your children first in his life(whenever that will be).

PLEASE REMEMBER- Plan B allows you to not have to make any decisions about staying or going.Don't entertain those thoughts right now.Believe it or not it is MUCH more added pressure when you think that maybe it will be the solution.Divorce is just as horrendous so don't go there yet.Please.Just KEEP AWAY from the man at all costs.


O

Dear Christy,

Look at one of my old posts "Dear Daddy"..

I bumped it up for you ...

Perhaps you can share with your son.

Pep