Alright I am posting a new thread here. I am no longer freaking out. For those of you who have not read my previous two posts, my husband has been waivering for two days on filing for divorce. He finally decided last night that he is going to file. He wants out and is sick from all of this trying so hard. He has not had contact with OW, in fact he states that he is hurt and angry with OW and does not intend to pursue anything there. He thinks it is best for our kids because our daughter is struggling right now with all the tension. His exact words are he is filing and it takes 6 months for the paperwork to be final. He hopes leaving will allow his feelings for me to change but staying here is not helping. We will meet again before the divorce is final and see if we still want to go through with it. He said that when leaves though he views it as we are divorced. I suggested everything, inluding a legal separation and he is insistant that we file and see what happens. He needs to move forward somehow. He is physically sick to his stomach and throwing up and he thinks that being away will take this way and help sooth his nerves.

He wants me to go to the lawyer with him. Do I go?? I can't beg so should I just let him go and Plan A the hell out of him while he is gone?? Let my marriage go or fight until I die inside?? I was so positive when I talked to him last night. Saying that I thought maybe this would give him time to get things straight in his mind but I am dying inside. I LOVE HIM. Any suggestions on how to proceed from here??

Hi,

I read your other thread. Do you love your H or the WS he has become? if you are dealing with the WS vs the H, you should have a plan.

I usually say to plan A the spouse and plan B the WS. Whether the OW isi in the pix or not doesn't matter. His actions are as if she is. If I was a betting person, I'd bet the OW is in the wings and hence his upset disposition and stomach ache.

Exposure is key along with letting him go do his D dirty work. IMHO, I would not accompany such one to any lawyer. You go get your own and be prepared for a dirty D. The A is making him upset that he can't have his cake and eat is to. He knows it is wrong hence the inner turmoil. Stopping the A is not easy. He is hooked like a bull being led to the slaughter (as a famous verse puts it).

You have to decide if you are going to be attached to him while he is on this descent or will you remove yourself and your family, strengthen your financial and emotional security and let him fall on his own. He may get angry but he is already in that mode.

Don't take the blame for his anger. Give it back to him.

Let him know you love him and can't accompany him to the lawyer. He may want you to give up stuff and may threaten to do so if you don't do his evil bidding. Don't fall for babble. Get with a good legal counsel and be properly represented,.

You love your H but not this mad man. Don't love the mad man. Remember somewhere out there is a man who is lost.

I remember asking the WS to go and find my H because I wanted to tell my H goodbye. I felt I wasn't going to see my H much longer since he had morphed into this evil WS.

This stance of mine made the WS cry. A that time a bit of my H peaked through. He was calling for help. I let him know that we are still at home and he would have to negogiate with the WS to come and see us for the last time.

Eventually my H came home. OWs don't like the spouses. The A only thrives on WS and OPs.

Stay away from WS'.

Hugz,
L.

I feel your pain, I am currently in a position similar to you.

My husband has left with OW for the 6th time now and I believe he's no out of state looking for a new residence in NC/SC with her.

I can't see us ever making this marriage work, his in decision and dishonesty is unbelievable to me. I do love him dearly and would love for him to come home but it appears his confusion has let him back into her arms yet once again.

My husband saw attorney, told me it was to cover him so he understood what was happening, when it appears all along he was planning on leaving yet once again and this time for good but wanted a clearer picture as to what financial liability would be.

Unfortuately, now that a townshouse has been rented and utilities in his name and hunting for place in the south it appears all OUR money is being spent on OW.

My emotions run crazy at times, I am struggling each day to get control and try to move forward without him in my life. I can't decide which is worse living without him, or living with him while he contacts OW and meets behind my back.

I am currently following all advise I can get from this website in hopes to move forward with or without him, I will let fate play a large part in this. Plan B is so difficult for me, this no contact thing is hard I always feel the need to speak with him and am sure you will go through the same thing.

Hang in there and keep posting, just having someone to vent to and respond to your inner most feelings makes all the difference.

Sher

Dear Faith - I agree with Orchid - don't go to that lawyer - and definately get your own representation, someone who is going to have your best interest in hand. Sharing a lawyer is not going to work or be beneficial to you.
Make it clear to him you do not want a divorce - that this is not going to help your daughter, what will help your children is him sending NC letter to OW and the two of you doing everything you can to save your marriage.
I would Plan A him - see how it goes then you can go to Plan B if he still does not come to his senses - good luck -
Sandy

I am not trying to make you paranoid here, but I wonder if he is still involved with OW. When someone makes the decision to leave the M that abruptly it just makes me wonder. Remember, people who are having As lie through there teeth. I am still dumbfounded at how my previously honest H became such a great lier. Just watch your back! CV

I am wondering as well if he is not still seeing OW. I thought about calling OW husband and talking to him. Here are my suspicions...we came back from Florida and he became depressed and withdrawn again. He has been seen at my moms house when she is at work (with his car hidden so the neighbors could not see). I think maybe he is using there phone to contact her. I don't know because I have not confronted him on that one yet. He says his feelings are not changing for me and he refuses to even try to make it a go. He swears to me and to his sister that he is not seeing her at all and he is just fed up of trying (after 6 weeks).

I know it is not the best thing for my daughter and I am very worried about her. I meet with her teacher later today because the school is worried about her. I don't know how to get my husband to see that the best thing for her would be to have her dad at home and working on this.

Help everyone!! My husband has called a lawyer and he is filing. My problem is I should be doing a Plan A and all I can do is stinking beg him to stay. He says my begging is pushing him farther and farther away. If I would shut up he might want to date while we are going through the proceedings and see how things go. Any suggestions on how to stop the begging?? Strategies??

NOPE.Time to stop with the Plan A and do a 180.

Divorce busting time.I wish I knew how to post a link but I don't, hopefully someone who does will do that for you.

Date while going through the D proceedings?? Is he DAFT?

Tell him that if he is serious about a D then you will need to retain your own attorney.Be careful what you say to him now and don't put anything in writing.Do stop any begging if that's what you are doing.It is a total turn off for WS's.You need to present a woman who is going to be ok no matter what(even if you don't feel like it) and don't appear needy or wimpy.It's time to show that backbone.Your WH is still very conflicted and like I mentioned to you in the other post,I really think he could be seeing the OW somehow.His actions are sending up red flags for me.

O

<small>[ April 27, 2004, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Faithfull, I have not been in your situation, and I am sure it's very difficult. I hope someone who has been will jump in here.

You are in a situation that you feel out of control. It seems like H has all the control. Try to get as much control over what you can now. The serenity prayer comes to mind. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

You can't control whether you H chooses to continue the A or not. You can't control if H decides to seek out a D. Try to find out what you can control. You can control the begging part. You know that begging is not bringing H closer to you, so stop begging. You are worth more than that. And frankly, at the moment he doesn't deserve begging.

Has your H and OW been outed yet? I would be curious if other MBers think this might be a good next step. I did not have to do that, but others may know if you are at a point that it should be considered.

Others here hopefully can better help you know if you should Plan A or B. Personally I would want to find out if he is still in the A. Have you snooped at all to get info?

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Whatever happens you will get through this. CV