Found out a couple of weeks ago my wife had an affair with a friend of ours. So many thoughts go through my head about it. The whys and whens and hows. I have nightmares now of what they did together. The phone calls on valentines days and her birthday. The holding hands, the kissing the embracing. All the intimacy that I hold so dear has now been violated and destroyed. Everytime I close my eyes I think about what happened. My work is struggling because All I think about is this horrible act.

I love her very much despite what she did to us and the children. She blows the A off by saying that she was hurt by me for so long and she fell out of love with me that drove her to the A. She scoffs it off like it was just nothing. Wants me/us to focus on her issues. I told her fine I would move on and focus on her issues. But I am so hurt.

I don't want to have a Divorce b/c I came from a family of divorce and it is not pretty. 30 years after my folks divorced it is still difficult at holidays. I would like to work it out with my wife, but I really don't think I can. I am trying to read and understand the bible and what God tells me to do. Read Psalm 40 and Prov 3:5-6. THese have been helpful. Although, I focus on the passages that say I the only time it is "ok" to divorce is in the case of adultery.

If we divorced my wife would move out of state and I am afraid I would not get to have the kids around. She told me the other day that she wanted to try some of the things I am reading to "see what happens." I am not a lab mouse. She screwed up and I am the one who has to tend to her needs? Come on, really.

I would like to stay, but I don't think I can deal with all the issues, the dreams at night, the distractions, the justifing, the "no love" from her (probably the most difficult one).

I know that the best thing for me to do is to stick it out. But I have this fear of what if she can't find a new love for me or what if I can't get beyond the horrible act of infidelity.

I have read many books including Harleys. I have read the bible. And consulted with a counselor. What am I supposed to do know? Any help would be appreciated.

Sorry that you are in this place for this reason. It is one of the hardest and most traumatic things to go through in life. You may think that if you are a good husband, trust worthy, honest, a good provider, loving, a good father, those things would never happens to you. They happen to the "bad guys" who do not know how to treat and respect their wives. Right? WRONG. My suggestion is to stay busy. Anytime those thoughts come into your mind, get up and walk. Excercise to get your endorphins circulating in your system. Could you give some info: how lon married, ages, how many children and ages.
I understand perfectly the dilema when you have small children. In my case, divorce is a foreign concept in the family and is not an answer to most problems that arise in a marriage, but infidelity os not an answer either. I also read the Bible and the answer in there is that adultery is the only reason for divorce, but there are no examples of husbands in this situation. Be kind to your wife and offer her support, she may also be struggling with many issues. Are you both seeing a counselor? Many people will suggest you take antidepressants. Talk to your doc to see if they are appropriate for you, but ask him to inform you of the side effects.

sedate- friend, welcome to the club. It really sucks when they do this thing called cheating. They want to control you, they want you to do everything for them, spend the money you earn, you think that they are ladies and believe they are above the rest and make you believe they are these delicate and honest creatures. You trust them with everything. Then, BANG! they hit you between the eyes with a hammer and fool around with guys who are bums. I just could not live with the pain and almost killed myself, but then I thought that I would bring suffering to others who did not deserve that. We tried to work it out, but the trust was ruined and so was the marriage. Since we had no children, I said "bye, bye" "see ya later, baby" and she had to leave the house and find a job.
Take care of yourself and you will be fine.

Welcome to Marriage Builders and I am so sorry that you are here. The pain you're feeling is well understood by the people on these boards. I am early in my 'recovery' so I will give you no advice (I am still struggling myself) except to say read and post. There are many very wise people on these boards and regardless of what choices you make from here on in you will find comfort here. Read what the BS say and you'll find you're not alone. Reading what WS say sometimes helps give a better understanding of what your W is/was feeling...especially the 'fog' talk.

Best of luck to you and your family.

Hello sedate,

Welcome to MB although I'm sorry you are now very familiar with Infidelity.

If you have some of Dr.Harley's books,read up on Plan A.Since you only found out a couple weeks ago about the affair(A),you need to have a plan and that's where we come in,we will help you get through this.

Plan A does mean that you have to start looking at what your WW(wayward wifes) emotional needs(EN's) are and the same can be said about her.Do you have the book His Needs Her Needs? That will help you to identify EN's and how to meet them.Yes you may feel like your WW should be kissing the ground you walk on and begging for forgiveness but that's most likely not going to happen just yet.Your WW is self absorbed right now and it will take a lot of strength to help repair your marriage.

You will be on what is called the "rollercoaster" where each day yields very strong emotions several times day.One minute you want to divorce and say SEE YA and the next you are very hurt but want to work on the marriage.That is to be expected so DO NOT attempt to make any decisions about staying or going right now.It's too soon.

Unfortunately this is a long slow process so try not to rush through this,although I am sure you would like this to be over in a new york minute,just like the rest of us.BTW,does your WW want to work on the marriage? Has she ended the A? Has she stopped contact with the OM?

If the A is over,here are some suggestions that you should do:

1)Start Plan A-read up on it and why you need to do it

2)Talk with your WW about sending a NC(no contact) letter-again,read up on it and why it needs to be sent.

3)Counseling-it's good that you have already gotten started.See if your WW will go with you.Also discuss any need for AD's(antidepressants).

4)Keep coming back here to post for support or questions and keep reading the books.It really helps to keep talking about what you have gone through so whoever will lend an ear,let it all out.

5) Take care of yourself.This is a very horrible trauma you have suffered.You need to be sure to get as much support from friends and family as you can,eat right,get plenty of sleep(AD's can help if you are not sleeping) and be kind to yourself.

Ok,that's a start.Hang in there.Things will get better for you,with or without your WW.We will help you get there.

O

<small>[ April 27, 2004, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

You are doing well. It is going to feel like your heart as been taken out and nothing will seem worth it for awhile, but keep on reading and praying. You and your wife need to see a counselor for different reasons, but it is important that you express what you feel and do not dispair. There is a God who will protect you. Your wife will say things that may not make sense to you now, but she is just finding justification in her actions. That is very common. There are people who will find any excuse to defend themselves and there are others who are sorry and who try to undo the damage. It seems your wife is in the first group and is probably missing the other man, if not seeing him still. You need to talk openly with her, if she is willing to be honest about her feelings. Will be praying for your family.

Hi Sedate,

Sorry for what you are going through.

It sounds as if your WW (Wayward Wife) is trying to blame her adultery 100% on you (very typical). Although there may be factors which can make a marriage vulnerable to adultery, there's really no excuse. Let's face it, we ALL have plenty of excuses throughout our marriages (OK maybe not while on our honeymoon) to blame the BS (Betrayed Spouse) if we want to foola round. None of us are married to perfect mates - we're ALL mere mortals. If somebody wants to succomb to the temptation, the first thing they do is to start lookign at their spouse more critically, looking for any excuse to justify it. (One poster here even listed his wife wearing his socks as an excuse...)

She will have to (eventually) take responsibility for her choice to commit adultery. Whatever problems there may have been in the marriage, adultery was most definitely not justified, let alone the solution! Yes, you can and should do whatever you can to address any real problems in the marriage. BUT recovery will not work unless she is willing to do the same. You will need to work on recovery together. Recovery is not just something the WS uses to get the BS to jump through all sorts of hoops (that may or may not prevent future affairs).

The truth is, you are not 100% responsible for the problems in your marriage. If you were you could solve them all and could be 100% assured that your wife will never stray again. But you can't. She has to help rebuild the marriage into something that better meets BOTH of your most important EN's (Emotional Needs). She has to do (a LOT) of the work to help rebuild the trust and heal the hurt.

Unfortunately, she's probably still in enough residual fog to start... She wants to assure herself it's all your fault so she will feel less guilt. Read about Plan A. Do your best to not LB (Love Bust) while fulfilling her EN's (Emotional Needs). LISTEN to what she's telling you were the problems and unmet needs. While that doesn't really make you responsible for the immoral choice she and the OM (Other Man) made, it is info you will need for recovery. It won't seem fair and she probably won't even appreciate it. If she tells you it's too late - just ignore it as 'fog talk' and continue to do your best to meet her needs. She might not be trying to meet any of your needs or to take any responsibility for marital recovery yet. Try Plan A for a while anyway. It will make Plan B more likely to succeed if you have to resort to it.

Try to resist the temptation to argue or express your anger towards her. Also, try not to talk her into or teach her anything. That will just make her resist recovery.

Good luck. It is encouraging to me to see that some men are willing to work on their marriages. I think I sometimes slip into believing the stereotpyes that males don't really feel love and the sort of feeligns and hurt we females feel. I'm sorry you are going through this. But the MB (Marriage Builder) principles can be very effective IF followed closely.

I appreciate y'alls advice.

I hope that I can hang in there. She tells me that it is over and that says that she sent a no contact letter. I don't know if she did or not, I didn't see it. I feel horrible for the lack of trust I have for her. I check the computer each night and our phone records online.

When she tells me something, I just cringe. B/c I cannot believe her.

Ironically today in about 15 minutes we are going to a luch together where she is going to get an award for her community "involvement". All the people are going to clap and say how great she is. I just want to get up in the middle of the lunch and say to everyone..."Guess what she did." followed by a owerpoint slid show with all the evidence of the lies. But I know I won't.

We have been going to counseling for a while. Although before I found out it was all about me and how terrible I made her feel. All the while she was see this guy. SO know I feel a bit leary about counsel b/c I don't have that trust.

This gives me the chills.

I put a red card ion my wallet that listed her needs so I can have a constant reminder of where I need to be to get her love. Does that sound crazy or what. I have read many books and will read many more. I would like to go to counseling, but I can't afford for her to go and for me to go. She doesn't work and hasn't for 8 yrs.

Prayers are answered immediately so it says. It is just hard to locate the answers when I am so distracted with the emotions. I want to go to a desert island and hide from everything.

Octobergirl -- Thanks for the plan. October is a great month (my birthday, lucky 13th)

Have a great day and remember that it is not what we say, but what we do that defines our character. Now if I could just believe that myself everything would be ok.

Meremortal:

How is it that I can possibly just sit back and "pretend" not to be hurt. THat is very hard for me. Everytime I look at a calendar or pick up the phone or think of Valentines or Birthdays or even the progress I thought we were making in couseling, I get so tense and mad.

It is difficult to put that aside.

Thanks for the words.

Whether you decide to stay or if you should go is entirely up to you and only you can make this decision. This is a Marriage Builders site, so I lean towards saving my M, but if you think it would be too painful to stay...

I will tell you that it gets better with time. I am 1 year out from D-Day and had one false recovery. Found out about numerous EAs, online flirting to cybering, and seeking throughout our entire M.

We are doing MUCH better now, but we both had to REALLY change how we communicated and dealt with each other.

That change is hard, and unless you both are willing to put in the time and commitment to make it happen, recovery becomes even harder.

This site and these folks are GREAT for coming up with a plan for saving M.

But the ultimate decision is up to you.

Have you consindered going camping for a weekend, visiting friends...anything...to get away and think? But be careful, revenge A's are so common they have their own name. That would be an A the BS engages in after finding out about WS's A.

Originally posted by sedate:
Found out a couple of weeks ago my wife had an affair with a friend of ours.

Is he married?

If he is, you need to tell his wife about the affair.

So many thoughts go through my head about it. The whys and whens and hows. I have nightmares now of what they did together. The phone calls on valentines days and her birthday. The holding hands, the kissing the embracing. All the intimacy that I hold so dear has now been violated and destroyed. Everytime I close my eyes I think about what happened. My work is struggling because All I think about is this horrible act.

This is par for where you are right now. Freshly wounded. It will NOT always be so awful.

I love her very much despite what she did to us and the children. She blows the A off by saying that she was hurt by me for so long and she fell out of love with me that drove her to the A.

I am not so sure this is "blowing you off". I think there may be something in her remarks that you can use to your benifit.

She needs some attention and some love bank filling.... good things for you to recognize.

She scoffs it off like it was just nothing.

She is afraid to admit to herself what she has become. This realization will come for her in time. Denial is a self-protective defense mechanism, and she will not be able to lie to herself forever.

Wants me/us to focus on her issues. I told her fine I would move on and focus on her issues. But I am so hurt.

THIS is important!

YOU are hurt. Show her. Cry in front of her, and ask her to hold your hand while you cry. Tell her you need to borrow some strength from her in order to get the pain out.

Sit on the floor next to her and weep. Don't fight or offer blame .... but be very real with your emotional demeanor.

Some women think it is not a big deal because they man appears OK on the outside, meanwhile, your guts are ripped apart!

Show her your hurt. Ask for her to sit with you while you let it out.

I think it is important for her to witness first hand your hurt and pain ... in order for her defensive denial to be broken down.

I don't want to have a Divorce b/c I came from a family of divorce and it is not pretty. 30 years after my folks divorced it is still difficult at holidays. I would like to work it out with my wife, but I really don't think I can. I am trying to read and understand the bible and what God tells me to do. Read Psalm 40 and Prov 3:5-6. THese have been helpful. Although, I focus on the passages that say I the only time it is "ok" to divorce is in the case of adultery.

It is too early for you to decide what to do.

Your emotions are way too acute for you to decide about the future of your marriage.

Just be real with your wife about the hurt, and defer making any divorce decisions until the pain is less acute .... about 6 months.

If we divorced my wife would move out of state and I am afraid I would not get to have the kids around. She told me the other day that she wanted to try some of the things I am reading to "see what happens." I am not a lab mouse. She screwed up and I am the one who has to tend to her needs? Come on, really.

Yes, really.

She has needs. Really. And you do need to pay attention to her needs.... but do not deny your needs. Make them clear in your mind first, and then express them clearly to your wife once you get your head straightened out.

Yes, your wife has needs.... and you don't feel like meeting her needs because you are angry.

Deal with your hurt first, it will change the way you experience your anger.

I would like to stay, but I don't think I can deal with all the issues, the dreams at night, the distractions, the justifing, the "no love" from her (probably the most difficult one).

You deal with these very real things, by showing her how deeply you hurt. Cry.

I know that the best thing for me to do is to stick it out. But I have this fear of what if she can't find a new love for me or what if I can't get beyond the horrible act of infidelity.

Too soon to make this decision.

Wait 6 months.

Meanwhile, you deal with the immediate things ... show your hurt, and your wife will show you hers.

If you don't care about her hurt (lack of empathy) your recovery will eventually stall.

Too soon to tell.

I have read many books including Harleys. I have read the bible. And consulted with a counselor. What am I supposed to do know?

Grieve.

It's rather like a death emotionally.

Grieve openly. It's a manly thing to do.

Do NOT...

argue
lecture
fight
control
beg
whine
.....

You grieve. That's step one. And your wife gets to see what damage comes from infidelity.

Later ..... it will be her turn to grieve, and hopefully you will help her through her grief.

Ask her to help you cry.

Pep

Pep--

Thanks for the insight. Very Helpful.

Here are the answers to some of your questions.
I hope you get these. ( don't know how to reply directly to the writers, any help would be appreciated)

He is married. They were are friends. Kids played together. He was a Fireman who my son thought hung the moon. Lots of pictures in my sons room of the man and my son. All have been removed and placed in my closet.

His wife called me to let me know about the affair.

I have cried a lot in front of her. She knows I can't sleep because I wake her up when I get out of bed. SHe knows I have nightmares because she hears me cry in my sleep.

The difficult part for me is not to constantly pester her about what she is thinking. Also, it is difficult to put on a smile.

I just had one of my customers come into my office to let me know that he and his wife of 17 yrs are getting a divorce b/c of infidelity on her part. His story was the same as mine. I do not want to end up like them.

Thanks for the advice and I will take it to my many pieces of my heart and perhaps with a lot of prayer my heart will return stronger.

Thanks-- God Bless You All -- Sedate

I am currently living what you are and it sucks. All I can say is take it one day at a time. I have days that all I do is cry and I want to quit. Then I look at my daughter and I want to fight. I still love him, but I hate what he has done to me. I hate even more that I have to be supportive and loving while he is in the FOG, but i realize that if I don't I will lose him for sure because I won't be meeting his emotional needs. It's terrible isn't? They caused us so much hurt and betrayed us, but we have to help them through the withdrawl and the terrible times.
Focus on yourself for a while. Find out what you enjoy and surround yourself with people who love you. Keep praying, reading and posting. The people here are truely wonderful Godsents. Take care and remember to breathe.

Sedate - I am a W, but I'm reading your post with tears streaming down my face. My WH finally admitted to the horrible things he has been denying for months (posted in Just Found Out under How do I know for Sure. I too am experiencing so many painful memories of our supposed "past" together in which she was part of our life. I see the phone calls to her on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, MY Birthday, my S's birthday, family vacations and it just rips my guts out. I hang on because of my kids, but I wonder when these feelings will go away myself. My nightmares are real too! I guess the reason I responded to this post is because I'm glad to know that these feelings appear to be "normal" (is any of this normal?) and others have told you that it gets better. It gives me a little more hope and I pray for you to heal.