Update:
I had been in Plan B for three weeks when my WH contacted me. He told me he ended things with OW, moved his stuff out of her place, was going forward with no contact, and that he wanted to come home. He agreed to all the items set forth in my Plan B letter and said all the “right” things. I allowed him to come home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The first two days were great. We spent time together, talked, and actually had a bit of fun. The third day, things fell apart. He went through serious withdrawal. He was crying all day, saying how hard this is and that now he is not sure if he can do it. The next day was the same. All of a sudden, he was not sure he made the right decision in coming back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I tried to be supportive and comfort him. I insisted that he maintain NC even though it was tough on him. Because he works with OW, we knew that NC was going to be hard at first. WH believed (still believes) that if he broke it off with her she would resign and move back to her hometown. He agreed that if she does not resign in the next few weeks, he would. His first day back to work, he called her. He said it was a brief conversation. His second day back to work, he met with her to talk about things. He said he felt the need to explain himself. She spewed poison into his ear…told him to leave me immediately and come back to her. But he said that he told her he was coming home to me. He told me about both those encounters. I told him if he cannot do NC then I wanted him to leave and back to Plan B. He said he did not want to leave. He knew it was right to be with me, was glad to be home, but it was just so hard.

He said when he originally left me for OW, he was unhappy and thought that living with her would make him happy. However he was not happy there. He missed me and our life. He made the decision to end things with her and come home and said he felt really good about it – gave him to opportunity to correct his mistake, right the wrongs and have a better marriage than ever. However, when he came home, he was still not happy. He said he expected that once he was home, he would be sure. Unfortunately, it did not happen.

He has decided to go into IC to try and figure out why he is not happy. He says I am the perfect wife, beautiful, smart, supportive, we have fun and enjoy each other – why is that not enough? You can imagine how hard it is for me to hear these things. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Is this normal for a WS?

After those two encounters with OW, we are back to NC – its been four days. He seems annoyed that I keep harping on it and that I ask him each day. I know it is hard on him. I am afraid he will leave again. What do I do if he keeps breaking NC? It is very painful for me but as long as he is honest, do I keep supporting him and encouraging him (he says he is trying and does say he tells her we are reconciling)? Or is there a point where I have to go back to Plan B? Do most WS break NC at first and then eventually stick to it?

<<bump>>

Okay, let's look at this thing. He came back to you and promised NC with OW. Let's give him 10 points for that. Then he slipped and contacted her, but told you the truth, another 10 points.

Withdrawal is exceedingly hard on a WS. It is just like a heroin addict doing without his fix. Relax and try to do some fun things. Support him and tell him what he is feeling is normal. Give him admiration for trying to do the right thing, and for trying to work on the marriage.

It will be hard for a couple of weeks, but so worth it when you have a better marriage than before. Plan A your A off. It is hard, when you are worried that he may leave, but now is the time to show him the way back.

As long as he keeps reporting the broken contact to you should you keep him around? I say YES! He is failing, but still he finds the courage to tell you about his struggles while he tries to make the NC permanent.

He is taking a huge chance to be radically honest and as hard as it is to hear of his weakness for OW, you should be greatly encouraged that he is looking to you for support. Give it to him. She's trying to turn him against you.... use this. You can show him that you understand his feelings for her (validate them in a way) but that you believe that what the two of you have together is better, truer, stronger, and will survive.

Think of the comparison that draws for your WH: on the one hand is a sniveling little girl who has to tear others down to get what she wants, compared to the strong, beautiful woman who empathizes and validates his feelings even though it brings her great pain. Have compassion for his confusion and think of how that will stack up against her lack of compassion, her demands that he come back to her, right now!!!!! How childish.

This does not mean you become a doormat and accept continuous, deepening contact. When it starts to be too much for your heart to bear, tell him where you stand. If you think you might have to go back to plan B to protect your love for him, let him know that. It just might give him the extra "umpf" he needs to maintain NC.

And if she doesn't leave, remind him and support him on his decision to look for another job. I have a feeling she won't be running home to mama anytime soon and he needs to be rid of her from his everyday life.

~ Snow

Thanks for the replies.

Believer: I know you are right. He has made some positive steps and deserves some points. I just need to have some patience and relax. That is hard when I just want to take his hand and run as fast as we can to the finish line (recovery)...but I guess I need to remember this is a marathon and not a sprint and I have to appreciate the small forward steps and expect a few steps back occasionally.

Snow: I appreciate his efforts towards Radical Honesty. We all know that the continued lies hurt the most. I am trying to be as supportive as I can but it is hard when he gives me no assurances. I want him to tell me that we are going to make it and that he is going to do whatever it takes. Right now all I get is alot of "I'm trying". But perhaps I have to resign myself and be content with that for now...I mean he was not trying three weeks ago and he is now.

Yesterday OW stopped by his office all teary-eyed and told him she was thinking about leaving. He told her he can't talk with her and made no comments about her plan to leave. She told him it was too hard for her to be at work while he was the there. I really hope she leaves. She moved to our town specifically to pursue my H and has very little else to keep her here. I hope things will get better once she is removed from his everyday life. It kills me each day to know that he is at work where she is. This makes Plan A very hard right now. I feel like I am the grand inquisitor (did you see her? talk to her? what is your plan to avoid her? etc..) I guess I need to stop harping on all that. Is it better to just not talk about the A and not bring OW up?

<small>[ April 28, 2004, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: shockednhurt ]</small>

Shocked:

Have you and H writted a NC letter to OW? If not and she continues to "harass" H while at work, I would consider writing one asap. Try and get the point across that after repeated requests her continued attempts to talk with H are not welcome, and in the workplace could be considered harassement.

BTW, is OW a subordinate of H or a co-worker?

Good Luck.

Hi Faith,

We wrote a NC letter to OW (she is a co-worker). NC lasted 4 days before he called her. In my mind that makes the NC letter worthless. I suggested writing another letter and sending it but WH insists this is not possible as some business contact must take place (i.e. team meetings) until either he or she leaves. He also said that she knows it is over and that he does not want to talk to her. He does not want to hurt her anymore by sending another letter and feels it is redundant (I know, I know, he's worried about her feelings and not mine). And while you or I call her attempts to contact him "harrassment" WH is too fogged to see that. Should I push for another letter?

shockenhurt,

What made your husband come home? My H just left and I am hoping I have a story like yours. I have cut him out of all things that have to do with our soon to be son and my pregnancy. He states that he wants to be with her. He even spoke the big D. When he left he seems really sad and not right. I hope he is miserable at his friends house.

Hi durham,

I wish I could say exactly what made my WH come home, but I can't. I can only say that I did a perfect Plan B. When I said no contact, I meant it and I followed through with it. Plan B is hard and so many MBers fall off the wagon and end up in conversations that allow the WS to get their "fix". I did not talk to my WH for three weeks...not one peep (no calls, messages, emails, anything). He said he missed me and our life and that being shut out completely really affected him. Also that being with only the OW did not make him happy, like he thought it would.

If you are in Plan B, stick to it like glue, durham. Don't waver, even if you are lonely. Ignore your H's fogtalk - mine said he wanted to be with OW too. He just needs time to see that she will not make him happy. His leaving will not fix the problem...the problem is within each WS...it will go wherever they go. They think they can escape the hurt, but they carry it inside them. Give him time. But just remember, Plan B should only follow a strong Plan A. Have you done a good Plan A?

Best of Luck!

I did a great plan A. H could not agree to NC so I told him he had to go. He asked if he could contact me to see how the baby and I was doing. I told him I would think about it. I think I will have a contact person for that. I don't want him to email me.