HI ,

I have never posted on one of these sites before so please bear with me. I just have an awful knawing feeling that my wife may be cheating on me. My wife has always until recently hasbeen a very warm loving caring person. Recently that has changed. I will admit we have our differences in certain areas but what married couple doesn't. Recently however it seems i can do no right. Everything about me is wrong. I make her depressed, I dont compliment her enough, i am too down all the time, we are so incompatable. Now in itself this would make me a bit unnerved about things but there is more too it. Several months ago my wife started traveling for work more. I was not thrilled with this but it wasn't a big deal either. Well one time a few months ago she was away on buisness and she called me in the afternoon to say she was going out for dinner with some people who were on the trip with her. That night she did not call like she usually does before heading off to sleep so i figured i would give her a call. I called several times from 11pm thru 12:30am and got no answer. Then at about 1 am she called me. When i asked when she got in she said she had been in the room since 10 pm. When i told her i called the room she said she must have fallen asleep and not heard the phone. She is a very light sleeper by the way. Then a couple of weeks after coming home she called me at work and said she was going for a drink with the co worker who she was on that trip with because he needed her advice on some personal issues he was dealing with. I told her i did not like it but she said she had already commited to meet him but that she would not do such again. Well as I stated at the top of this long ramble i have had a funny feeling lately with the way she has been acting. So recently I checked the phone record on her cell phone i must be honest i dont feel good about snooping but i just couldn't stand the blind wondering anymore. Upon checking I found a couple of odd numbers on the call list and through a bit if research i found one is his home # and the other is his cell phone #. Both calls were made this month. In light of this fact and wanting to be careful about letting on that i was snooping (still feel bad about that part) I brought up the subject of this guy in random conversation. Unfortunantly it ended up in a heated argument because she took it as my being accusational. But one thing i did ask was if she had had any contact with him since that night a couple months ago and she said no. Unfortunantly i know that is not true. So that is where I am at. I fluxuate between telling myself that I am being over reactive and jumping to conclusions to feeling that there are an awful lot of signs there. So that is what brought me here. I would sincerly appreciate any advice anyone can give on this. The last thing i want to do is ruin a marriage by reading too much into something. On the other hand if something is going on i need to know. Thanks for any insight you can give.

Confused -

I do not have long to post here but when I read your post I had to drop a line.

This exact situation is how I busted my H having an A. I got a funny feeling. I started checking phone logs and saw enough there to hack into his email account. That's how I found out.

All signs point to yes, you W if having an A. Maybe not a PA but at least an EA. Read around on this board. More people will post to you. You'll find some good advice.

If I had to give one piece of advice I would say do not let your W know all the ways you have of finding out. I felt like an idiot once I showed my H his call logs...then he knew how I found out and knew not to call from his cell phone. I had no way of knowing if he was calling her or not. I also shared with him that I got into his email account....he just started using another email address.

Do you have a home computer? If so, I can help you download some spyware.

Hang in there....maybe you caught this just in time. Get your wife to an MC. You'll need that.

Don't pay attention to her angry words...she in the fog and you'll probably see a lot of this. Try not to LB. It'll be hard but if you want to save your M you need to do that.

My thoughts are with you. I'll try to post more later this afternoon. I have to run now.

Be sure to read all about Plan A. You can find the link in the Just Found Out Forum under General Welcome to All New Builders thread.

All the signs are there. Especially when they start distancing themselves, lying, and getting defensive, you know something is up.

Sorry you are here, but we will help you through this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My wife has always until recently hasbeen a very warm loving caring person. Recently that has changed. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Red Flag #1

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well one time a few months ago she was away on buisness and she called me in the afternoon to say she was going out for dinner with some people who were on the trip with her. That night she did not call like she usually does before heading off to sleep so i figured i would give her a call. I called several times from 11pm thru 12:30am and got no answer. Then at about 1 am she called me. When i asked when she got in she said she had been in the room since 10 pm. When i told her i called the room she said she must have fallen asleep and not heard the phone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dos.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Then a couple of weeks after coming home she called me at work and said she was going for a drink with the co worker who she was on that trip with because he needed her advice on some personal issues he was dealing with. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tres.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So recently I checked the phone record on her cell phone i must be honest i dont feel good about snooping but i just couldn't stand the blind wondering anymore. Upon checking I found a couple of odd numbers on the call list and through a bit if research i found one is his home # and the other is his cell phone #. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quatro.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I brought up the subject of this guy in random conversation. Unfortunantly it ended up in a heated argument because she took it as my being accusational. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cinqo.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But one thing i did ask was if she had had any contact with him since that night a couple months ago and she said no. Unfortunantly i know that is not true. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't remember my spanish numbers. (Sies?) Anyway, Red flag #6.


If it walks like a duck, and goes "quack...."

Where there is smoke, there's fire, etc.......

Etc.

That's the bad news. The good news is you are here. Start reading. Start learning.

Here is a post by worthatry, who is well versed. It is a great starting point.

Steps that I recommend.
1. Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley
2. Read and digest that and the articles on this site as much as you can.
3. Do not confront your W (wife) about anything until you have figured out exactly (or close) to what is going on. Do not feel bad about snooping. She chose to share her life with you. Now she has chosen to hide from you what is going on in YOUR life. There is free spyware that you can get for your computer that can help immensely. If she won't bring the truth to you, go and find it and bring the truth to her.
4. Change your approach to your W immediately. Regardless of what you find out, or what your W says, do not "Love Bust" her. Do not treat her with anger or disrespect. Those will not help you.
5. If you have questions, then ask. Someone will help you. If you are unsure of what to do if you find something out, or your W says something wacky, ask.

Good Luck,
Ethan

<small>[ April 27, 2004, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

Hi all,

Thank you for the responses and advice. I only found this site a couple of days ago but it has already been a great help to me. I dont know where things will end up with all that may or may not be going on but this board definantly helps me in dealing with it. Once again i thank those who have responded and if anyone else has some thoughts on my situation i would love to hear from them.

i want to be able to advise you but i'm afraid i don't feel really equipped to do a lot of that but would just second all of what has been said so far. would add that counseling is always good, provided you find a good one. of course it would be ideal if it involved both spouses but we all know that we are not in ideal situations. i've never heard anything bad about SH from MB and would encourage you to set up an appointment asap if you can, even if it's just yourself it can help you tremendously. it will be immediate professional feedback that is specific to your situation. you will probably need at least 2 sessions w/him because they are only an hour at the most and the first session is mostly you talking to SH and giving him all the background info, etc. it's expensive $185 a session but me as well as most people here agree that our M are worth it. Of course, the best counselor of all is God, He's free and is always available. prayers to you.

<small>[ April 28, 2004, 08:24 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

HI,

I want to start by again thanking all that have offered advice it is much appreciated. I have another question though. Now as i said in my original post i do not know what the story of all that is going on really is. Perhaps that is why i feel the way i do. Perhaps it is just me being male. But if something really is going on and i am being lied to about it i really dont think i can ever trust my wife again. I have never been one to be overly trusting in fact there are very few people i have ever opened up to. I certainly trusted and am still trying to trust her though. I feel horrible about even allowing myself to think she would do such a thing. I even feel bad about posting here in that it seems to say that i dont trust her. If that trust has been violated however i really dont know if things are fixable. I guess my questions are will this feeling go away? Is it due to the not knowing for sure? If i do find out truly what is up will my feeling change? My feelings right now are basically, (and this is if something is going on) I think i have been a good husband, not perfect, God knows not perfect but i am loyal, caring, kind, faithful,sharing and always have put my spouse as #1. If that is not good enough and if something did go on then right now i have this awful feeling of wanting to just say "see Ya" if im not good enough for her then i will find someone who appreciates who i am. Perhaps this is just my pride talking i dont know I truly hope my gut feeling is wrong on all this and that nothing is going on. I just wish i knew for sure why she has pulled away from me so drastically and suddenly, why nothing i do seems good enough now. I really appreciate all the advice i have gotten here in a short time. It has been very helpful in tring to sort out this situation. Any further advice or thoughts on some of my questions would be greatly aprreciated.

confused, you should not feel bad for not trusting her. You have good reason to not trust her because it sounds like there are lots of signs here that would lead a rational person to question her trustworthiness. There is nothing "bad" about catching someone doing something bad, so please stop with the inappropriate guilt. What is bad is sneaking around and having an affair.

If she is having an affair, you have a responsibility to find out and try and put a stop to it.

If she is having an affair, it is possible for you to trust her again IF she comes clean and becomes trustworthy in her actions. If she doesn't, then you shouldn't trust her.

I would suggest that you do some super sleuthing to find out what is really going on here. Unfounded accusations will get you nowhere. I would hire a P.I., put spyware on her computer, tap your phones, check cell phone records or do whatever you have to do to find out. THEN confront her with the evidence.

That is your only hope of saving your marriage since she has chosen to leave you out of the equation.

If you've read much about HN/HN and SAA by dr. harley you will understand that EVERYONE is vulnerable to an A given the right conditions. remember, what you thought her needs were and that you were good in meeting them may not have been what her needs were. does that make sense? so much of what you have said is so normal and typically felt by the BS. i never thought my H could do something like this and even CONTINUES to do it but this is probably where i went wrong. i thought it wouldn't happen to me and therefore didn't take measures to protect my M.

anything is possible, and there is always the chance she is not having an EA/PA, however, regardless of the fact, i think you would agree to say there are issues that need to be delt with. again, counseling is very important and can give you a great deal of support, control, and direction. continued prayers to you.

C,L,P you sound so much like I WAS. I had BLIND faith in my wife. Go back and read the post by thefurniturman it is excellent advice and you can learn to count in spanish to boot.

Trust me on this one, DO NOT TRUST HER, it is so weird to read someone else posting such obvious signs and still not wanting to admit it to themselves. That was me pal.

I consider myself a manly man and I always said I would never want a women I couldn't trust. Now through this site I realize blind trust is as bad as no trust. I love my WW and while I will never trust her the same way I hope that in time we will have an even healthier relationship.

As far as snooping. JUST DO IT! I would confront my W gently and she of course would lie and then I would feel horrible that I had not trusted her. Well guess what. If I paid attention earlier things wouldn't have gotten as bad as they did before OM finally decided to share the joy.

Read, read, read, on the main portion of the website. We are good for support and for lending an ear but they are the experts.

Listen to your instincts. I used to be very trusting, but when there were behaviors such as those you are describing, with accusations, irritability about my presence, all that I did was wrong, that started me to think something was not right. I was not into checking her or doing detective work, but it all came out by itself.
You need to have an honest conversation with her. She may act upset, but that is only a way to defend herself. Are there any other co-workers who travel with her? They may be able to offer clues. I did talk to people close to her and through their body language and reading between the lines I discovered they were lying to protect her. I also talked to the OM and got information from him directly.

I agree with you 100% in that in a marriage there has to be total honesty and trust. But remember that you were not the one who violated that trust. She has been lying to you according to what you have said. Remember, the truth is like oil, it always comes to the top.
Best of luck.

hoping that things are going your way. continued strength and prayers to you.