I know that I said that I was gonna stay away for a while, but needed to work this one out. First of all, things are looking up. W is trying hard, I know her mind is running a mile a minute, I am trying to give her some space, not ask any Qs about the A and OM unless she brings up the subject. Those days are in the future. I want her to go through WD, and think it will be harder if she is costantly hounded by me for info and details.

Which brings me to my question. Earlier today W sent a txt msg to me saying that maybe I could see how those new panties fit (got a pakage from vicotria's secret yesterday). My W is not one to iniatate SF, so this was a big deal for her. I replied with a little joke. I bought her a rose on the way home and placed it under her covers on her side of the bed. Also made a little handwritten note saying how much I appreciated her message (can you tell that SF is my #1, #2 & #3 EN? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ). Anyway, we proceed towards the bed. As things are heating up (OK this is your last warning!) I try to, uhm, head for south of her border. She stops me. Up until about 4 months ago, this was her favorite part of SF, she even used to ask me to do it if I appeared to not be headed in that direction. Now she hardly ever wants me down there. Also, I LOVE to do this, so this is even tougher. She told me that she and OM did not have sex, and I believe her. But I would be a fool if I did not suspect they did other things, possibly this. Do you think that this will pass? Am I overreacting? When I bring up the "why" she gets wierd and says that she wants me to do something else. Should I just focus on SF now, and if she wants that she can ask?

Yep. Also try just holding her, and massauging her. Women like to be affection WITHOUT it always leading to sex.

If this was a one time deal it could be that she just wanted umm *other things* at the moment, or maybe she didn't get a chance to shower first, or it might be close to time for her to *start* and she didn't want it to happen while you were......

This is a touchy situation, and hard to do without it seeming like an LB. But I think it is time for you both to get tested.

It could be she is worried about contracting something, or has already...

Hi BM,

No, it's not a disease thing, or she wouldnt have regular sex with you.

And it's not a hygiene thing or it wouldnt keep happening.

And she initiated the sex, so it wasnt a 'just hold me' type of moment.

I'm thinking she's triggering about something. Either they did it and it went well, or it went bad, or they talked about it but didnt do it... or something.

Or, maybe she wasnt really into OS before, but now has decided to stop the activity since she was never really into it?

I dont know how long it's been since discovery, but she may be going through withdrawl and may need a little more time. If all else is going well (her initiating sex is a good sign), I'd not make this my hill to die on, if you know what I mean... a little time may be all that is needed.

I dont think it's unreasonable for her to answer your questions, though. If I asked 'did you have sex' and WS said NO but actually had oral sex, I would consider that a lie. I think it's not too much to ask her to gently verify the truth. Something's up; she'd even have to admit that, right? Please take care - Dru

dear betrayed----i think you may be headed in the right direction. before my husbands affair i enjoyed what you were talking about. since----i really dont. when he is down there i have the movie in my head going of him and ow. they did do this.(maybe she is picturing a movie also and doesnt want to upset her time with you>)

when my husband told me of this, him doing this to her, that was the instant i knew it was an ea also and he cared. men do this when they REALLY want to pleasure a woman....it is the most hurtful thing i have to deal with. i know he really was concerned about her enjoying herself.
so, since, i really dont like him doing it. i have no idea if it will change---i just dont want the reminder and its one of the few i have left.

I hate to be brutally honest, but you asked for a woman's pov.

I did not deny my H from doing this after I admitted my A, even though many times I wanted to. It was very, very tough, as it was a huge trigger for me in bringing x-om back to mind. I hated myself for seeming to not be able to control my thoughts. Other than the passage of time, the thing that helped most, was to keep my eyes open and to watch my H, the entire time.

the better the communication between spouses...
the better the sex...

why don't you ask her... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

in a loving supportive intimate environment...ask her...
listen to her....

ARK

This is a tough question. A lot changes after an A and unfortunately, those changes include intimacy. The betrayed spouse has many questions and doubts about what went on and the WS probably has memories that wants to repress. The intimacy that existed at one time is gone and now there is a person in between. To answer your question, one of two things may be happening. Either she enjoyed it with the OM and does not want you to undo those memories or she may feel embarrased. Why don't you ask her? The worse that can happen is that she will not tell you. Good luck.

I could have written Nikko's post...my thoughts EXACTLY.

I could have written Nikko's post. My thoughts exactly.

Well, I have to admit this a tough one. When my WS left for OW and told me it was over between us I tried at first to see other guys and it didn't work. Certain things with WS were and always will be special, just between us. Not just SF but other things as well. For instance if WS and I don't get back together I doubt if I will ever be able to let another man touch or brush my hair again. I can't even stand someone else to give me a hug, but that's just me. I feel if you enjoyed certain things with your wife before you can and will again. Like everyone said, just ask her. I have been honest with other people and have told them how I felt. Maybe she just needs time. The fact that she is the one who is initiating sex should mean she is trying.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nikko:
dear betrayed----i think you may be headed in the right direction</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I have a dirty mind... I got this far into Nikko's post and burst out laughing!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

pep...

I KNOW you have a dirty mind.....!!!!!!!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

ark

i knew someone would get that little pun!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

glad to make ya giggle!!!

Since I am pretty sure I know the answer, is time more important? If she is triggering along with WD (it has been 5 weeks since I confronted), I do not want to push her. It took us a while to get this messed up, guess it will take a while to get over it. BTW, she has let me do that once since d-day.