Well, it seems as though i can always GIVE the advice but I cant take it or listen to my OWN advice.

We are supposed to fill out this questionnaire before the seminar this weekend. Some sort of feelings thing to see how much we love or hate each other.

Anyway, H comes in the kitchen after he fills his out and I said in a cheery voice "so, how much do you love me"...UGH! why do I do this to myself! Why do I set myself up like that! he says as he is shaking his head..."it's not good, lots of negative things"

WHAT??? I was mortified! I was crushed...I thought things were going so well...so what is going on here?

I finished fixing dinner and fed everyone. he came over to me and asked if I was ok. I have this strange feeling that he is NOT being honest with me. I told him my feelings. I asked him this weekend to share all his feelings with me and to tell me if and when he speaks to her. (remember she pages him from the NH)

He tells me she has not paged him in weeks. After a few minutes he turns around from the table..I wasn't eating, I was standing up behind the counter...and says "what is wrong" I asked him if it was even worht the fight anymore and told him I was wondering if he even wanted to be here. He said he DOES want to be here.

he got up and came over to me and hugged me and kissed me. Peck. I told him I was not happy at the fact that he has taken so many shifts in the ER for the month of May. His working so much got us to the Pre A to begin with and his working 12 shifts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> is only going to push me further away and while we are on the subject how is he going to REBUILD the marriage when he isn't even here to do it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I was mad...But I kept my LBing under control.

I asked him what sort of feelings he DOES have for me at this point. he said he is attracted to me, but not sexually and he doesn't have the "craving" feeling to be with me. The STRONG feelings are not there yet! YET??? Will they ever be there?

I know, patience and time. I guess my question is...WILL They come back? I know he wants to be married, but he is so afraid that it will go back to the way it was. Even after I have changed and after I have made it clear I will not go back to that marriage. He is afraid of what the future holds and he says he needs to get into a routine he can enjoy!

Now about this Marriage Builders weekend thing? What shall we expect? Will they "TEACH" us how to get these feelings back? Teach us how to think? I just feel like I am doing it all alone here. And that he has NO feelings for me. I feel like I am just his sister and he is forcing himself to stay here, but wont admit it to me. Maybe he just doesnt want ME to be with anyone and that is why he is staying. I am so confused. AGAIN! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

" I said in a cheery voice "so, how much do you love me"..."

What a question!

A bigger husband-trap than the old reliable: "Do these pants make me look fat?"

Quit making yourself crazy....

Hey, better he gives you a truely honest answer than a phoney sugary one...

Pep

Mom -

Hmmmm. What I've learned is to ignore their words and look at their actions. He is hugging you, going to the MB weekend with you, is still in the house with you, filling out questionnaires.

You are beautiful and have been doing the program. Sounds pretty promising to me.

Hi Mom,

I am reading your post and thinking to myself, man, you sounds just like me! To wit:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> Well, it seems as though i can always GIVE the advice but I cant take it or listen to my OWN advice. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He he he. Boy don't I know that one! It takes practice to listen to others and even more practice to act on sound advice. But when you manage to do it, and it works, it makes it easier the next time around.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> "it's not good, lots of negative things"

WHAT??? I was mortified! I was crushed...I thought things were going so well...so what is going on here? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is going on is that Dad is being honest. This is what you want. It is a good thing. Don't be afraid of it. The negative things, once brought to light, can be worked on and changed to positive things. Keep that in mind.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> ... I have this strange feeling that he is NOT being honest with me. I told him my feelings. I asked him this weekend to share all his feelings with me and to tell me if and when he speaks to her. (remember she pages him from the NH) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Drop the part about "tell me if and when he speaks to her." You've already done this. He knows this one by heart. But do encourage complete honesty and sharing of feelings this weekend. It will be PAINFUL, but pruning is the only way to get the tree to bear good fruit, no?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong>I asked him if it was even worht the fight anymore and told him I was wondering if he even wanted to be here. He said he DOES want to be here.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believe him. He is making an effort. He is trying to be honest. So are you. You are wondering if it is worth the pain, you wonder if he is really in this, and you asked him in a non-LB way. Bravo! Now, believe his answer. It might change slightly in the days and weeks ahead, but for now accept it as true. He wants you. He wants the marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong>I asked him what sort of feelings he DOES have for me at this point. he said he is attracted to me, but not sexually and he doesn't have the "craving" feeling to be with me. The STRONG feelings are not there yet! YET??? Will they ever be there? ... WILL they come back?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, I am glad he is voicing his lack of feelings. It can clear the way for the strong feelings to come back. Once the truth is "out there" it often peters out and loses strength while dwelling on it in secret often gives a thought power it doesn't really deserve. That is why radical honesty is so important.

As for whether the feelings will come back, yup, that takes time. But I think your attitude about taking the time to see what develops is sound. Neither of you wants to bale too early, just in case. That bodes well I think.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong>I know he wants to be married, but he is so afraid that it will go back to the way it was. Even after I have changed and after I have made it clear I will not go back to that marriage. He is afraid of what the future holds and he says he needs to get into a routine he can enjoy! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, then, you are in agreement. Neither of you wants the old marriage and both of you are willing to examine what you have and can build on. You both want to end up with a routine you can both enjoy, together!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong>I just feel like I am doing it all alone here. And that he has NO feelings for me. I feel like I am just his sister and he is forcing himself to stay here, but wont admit it to me. Maybe he just doesnt want ME to be with anyone and that is why he is staying. I am so confused. AGAIN! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get a grip on your thoughts, Mom! Read your own posts. You are NOT doing it all alone. Dad is contributing to the process.

Think he has no feelings for you? Huh? He obviously has feelings for you, he has even shown them (unless you are making that stuff up about the hug and the peck).

It seems you are guilty of something I do, too: You try to get inside his head (which you can't) and when that fails, you come up with your own scenarios to help you understand what is going on inside him.

You have to tell your own thoughts to "shut up" once in a while. Like when you start down the road of "he just sees me as his sister and is forcing himself to stay here," just say, out loud if necessary, "STOP!" Then remind yourself he has never said that to you and you might be dead wrong in ASSUMING it, because that is all it is, really, an assumption.

Get ready for the weekend, Mom. Don't make any suppositions about what could or should or might happen. Just go and be led. Remember that Dad has the right to his own feelings and thoughts and he will share them as he is able, just as you will. Enourage honesty. Be open and loving.

You'll get there.

~ Snow

Thank you so much for all your responses! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What a question!

A bigger husband-trap than the old reliable: "Do these pants make me look fat?"

Quit making yourself crazy....

Hey, better he gives you a truely honest answer than a phoney sugary one...

Pep
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was actually half way joking when I said this one. I honestly didn't expect him to say he loves me sooo much, but it was a shock when he said the feelings were so negative!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hmmmm. What I've learned is to ignore their words and look at their actions. He is hugging you, going to the MB weekend with you, is still in the house with you, filling out questionnaires. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you are absolutely right believer! He IS hugging me, kissing me, all that stuff and he IS going this weekend. I suppose I need to look at the positives and forget the negative.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are beautiful and have been doing the program. Sounds pretty promising to me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Awww, thank you so much! I dont really see myself as beautiful but I trully appreciate the compliment. And I especially dont FEEL beautiful when he says these things. I wonder what is wrong with him. I know I am not ugly and I dont think I would have a problem getting someone, so why isn't he attracted to me?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What is going on is that Dad is being honest. This is what you want. It is a good thing. Don't be afraid of it. The negative things, once brought to light, can be worked on and changed to positive things. Keep that in mind.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How? I guess I just need to be patient??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Drop the part about "tell me if and when he speaks to her." You've already done this. He knows this one by heart. But do encourage complete honesty and sharing of feelings this weekend. It will be PAINFUL, but pruning is the only way to get the tree to bear good fruit, no?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I was telling him this we were going over our EN questionnaires! I have encouraged honesty more than anything right now. I have expressed to him that trust is built on honesty...and maybe I shouldn't doubt him so much. He is trying! I know he is

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well, then, you are in agreement. Neither of you wants the old marriage and both of you are willing to examine what you have and can build on. You both want to end up with a routine you can both enjoy, together!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He wants the routine he had with OW, BUT he realizes he cant have that. He said he is afraid that what we have will fall back to the same routine...and I said it will, then he said right, but we need to create a routine that I can enjoy! he must get out of the mindset that what he had with HER is fantasy...that is what he looked forward to. He cant have that with me and that bothers me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get a grip on your thoughts, Mom! Read your own posts. You are NOT doing it all alone. Dad is contributing to the process.

Think he has no feelings for you? Huh? He obviously has feelings for you, he has even shown them (unless you are making that stuff up about the hug and the peck). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO, absolutely not..I would never make that stuff up. he does do all that stuff to me. But I just feel as if it is forced sometimes because he knows I NEED it. I know he is working on this with me. I know he has feelings for me, he is just not attracted to me. he has more of a friendly feeling for me...not wifely like he should have. You know what I mean.

I am running late..I will finish this up in abit.

Mom, I so understand where you are right now, because I am there also. I'll speak for myself here and you see if it fits for you. I don't have the baggage of "in-love" with an OP, so the feelings of love start coming back for my H with the effort we are both putting back into our M. Then suddenly he will say something that lets me know either she isn't out of his head, or he isn't necessarily feeling what I'm feeling, and then my doubts set in. I wonder what I can be sure of? I think I am feeing mutual feelings betewen us, but am I? What's real and what isn't?

We talked to SH yesterday and H said something that indicated his doubt about whether we will fall back in love again. I can't remember how he put it, it just left me feeling crappy. I know he is so much more with me than he was when he was in contact with the "B". Yet, if I'm honest, the fear is there that I will put in this time and effort, and he just won't be able to come out of the fantasy. I feel so angry about that fantasy. You and I have it tough Mom because our H's left the A right in the middle of the fantasy. We were saved from the pain of Plan B, yet our H's (or at least mine) didn't get to really see OW in all her glory.

I asked SH yesterday "Why is this worth it? Why stick with someone who has had an A?" His response was "Because it's better to be married to the father of your children." I guess I need to get to the place of believing that.

Us BSs put so much effort into saving our Ms, in spite of this unbelievable pain. We need our WSs to give us some hope every now and then. Maybe that is why we feel so down when their honesty shows us they aren't as far along as we thought.

Steve told H part of healing is to make me believe this will never happen again. I need to feel safe. Right now I don't feel safe. What would make me feel safe? For H to REALLY get what OW did. He is starting to see that she actively tried to seduce him, and succeeded. Does he get what an evil and selfish act that was? That this woman didn't think about the devastation it would cause our family? I'm really not sure. What else do I need to feel safe? For H to not only tell me the A was a huge mistake, but to do whatever he can to repair this M. To REALLY let me know that is what he wants. That's the piece I'm not feeling yet. He is taking action, but I'm not sure he wants to be here. And my stubborn, independent self just wants to say, "Go! I'd rather be alone than with someone who isn't into me."

I have the same question as you and I guess H. "Is it really possible to get back the love feelings?" I know I can get them back. I'm not sure I can get over the A yet. I also am not sure H can see the A clearly and get over the love for OW. I don't want to be with him if he can't.

Didn't mean to steal your thread. Let me know if you can relate. CV

Wow, this is me!

This week is a super busy schedule for WH and I am feeling it. I feel our recovery is in a stasis until this hell week ends. It makes me feel so alone, like when the A was going on.

At MC last week WH said that I wasn't loveable to him. Kick in the gut. But he still gives me pecks, hugs, slaps my butt, and once in a while says 'I love you' first. Anyway, I think this weird back and forth ambivalence is a part of the waffle shuffle WS's do as they begin to emerge from the fog. They are like slow penguins.

The million dollar question: when will patience take less strength and effort?

Well, CV, you wrote exactly what I am feeling!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CV55:
I don't have the baggage of "in-love" with an OP, so the feelings of love start coming back for my H with the effort we are both putting back into our M. Then suddenly he will say something that lets me know either she isn't out of his head, or he isn't necessarily feeling what I'm feeling, and then my doubts set in. I wonder what I can be sure of? I think I am feeing mutual feelings betewen us, but am I? What's real and what isn't?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A few things i want to point out from the above taht realy hit home...

Then suddenly he will say something that lets me know either she isn't out of his head, or he isn't necessarily feeling what I'm feeling, and then my doubts set in.
This hurts! I "FEEL" like he loves me, he "ACTS" like he loves me...but then he "SAYS" otherwise. He says the "FEELINGS" just aren't there yet. That hurts to hear those from someone you love so much and you feel the opposite of what they are saying. So are his "FEELINGS" lying to me or are his "WORDS" lying to me...how can you "SHOW" someone one thing and "TELL" them the opposite!I cant fake my feelings towards him..if they aren;'t there, I cant show them...make sense??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yet, if I'm honest, the fear is there that I will put in this time and effort, and he just won't be able to come out of the fantasy. I feel so angry about that fantasy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">right...I feel as though I am putting in so much effort and I know he is too, but what if he never feels anything again. I dont want a fake marriage. I dont want someone who doesn't love me. I can do better than that, I know!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You and I have it tough Mom because our H's left the A right in the middle of the fantasy. We were saved from the pain of Plan B, yet our H's (or at least mine) didn't get to really see OW in all her glory.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right, what is more painful though. To watch you H WONDER what he could have had. Listen to him defend her. I told him yesterday i am sick of him defending her. She is a "B" and I have no respect for woman who go after married men. He still doesnt' see her faults! and that pisses me off!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I asked SH yesterday "Why is this worth it? Why stick with someone who has had an A?" His response was "Because it's better to be married to the father of your children." I guess I need to get to the place of believing that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yea, I believe that, but is it worth it just for the kids and for him NOT to love us. i want to be LOVED! I deserve to be loved!


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Us BSs put so much effort into saving our Ms, in spite of this unbelievable pain. We need our WSs to give us some hope every now and then. Maybe that is why we feel so down when their honesty shows us they aren't as far along as we thought. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This hurts too. We THINK they are coming so far along because that is what they are SHOWING us, but then when they open their big mouths and say otherwise, it hits us hard.

[quote]Steve told H part of healing is to make me believe this will never happen again. I need to feel safe. Right now I don't feel safe. What would make me feel safe? For H to REALLY get what OW did. He is starting to see that she actively tried to seduce him, and succeeded. Does he get what an evil and selfish act that was? That this woman didn't think about the devastation it would cause our family? I'm really not sure. What else do I need to feel safe? For H to not only tell me the A was a huge mistake, but to do whatever he can to repair this M. To REALLY let me know that is what he wants. That's the piece I'm not feeling yet. He is taking action, but I'm not sure he wants to be here. And my stubborn, independent self just wants to say, "Go! I'd rather be alone than with someone who isn't into me."[quote]
I feel your pain. Oh how I feel your pain. That is exactly how I feel. I asked him if it was worth it and he says yes. But does he MEAN yes! I just dont know. His actions say one things, but his words say another thing. I dont feel safe either. I feel like every fight we get into, this is it. he will leave me again. Is that right? I dont think so. I hate that feeling of unsecurity. it isn't fair to us. We take all the pain for what they have done. someitmes I just want to say, go, see what it is like to be without me...maybe that will bring the love back to him. I dont know.

Oh this is like reading my story. I keep trying to make sure I'm totally into our recovery, but I also want to protect myself. I'm so tired of hurting!!

So life is going along and I think things are great and then WHAM! He says something or does something and it's like a slap in the face. It's then I realize that I have been pouring all of my hopes and dreams into our success and if we don't make it -I will hurt like hell!

I want us to make it - I absolutely love my husband - but it's so hard to realize that I'm not really in control of our future - he is. I just pray (constantly) that he continues to make the right choice.

He did slip yesterday and called the OW (after 2 weeks of no contact)! I handled it ok though - plan A's my butt off. We'll see how this turns out!!

Mom,2Boys, what's left to say? For me the realization is there that I don't really feel like we are in recovery yet. There is that piece that is missing that would cause me to REALLY believe that. 2Boys, you said your H has all the control. I just quoted the serenity prayer on a post yesterday. I love that prayer and have said it often over the past year. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Our H's don't hold all the cards. I let my H hold all the friggin cards all last year. I didn't know he was having an A, but I did know he emotionally Dd me. I tried to reconnect, but he closed the door too tight. Ladies, we do have some control. We know the kind of M we want. I think at some point we'll know if we want to continue or not. None of us are at the quitting point yet.

This morning I once again turned my M over to God. I have to have faith that if this M is meant to heal and grow, it will. If not, then I do hope I have the courage to move on.

Sorry, if I'm a bit glum today. I still don't think I've recovered from my pain being triggered last week. It brought the whole ugliness of this A back to me. Hang in there! CV

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Us BSs put so much effort into saving our Ms, in spite of this unbelievable pain. We need our WSs to give us some hope every now and then. Maybe that is why we feel so down when their honesty shows us they aren't as far along as we thought.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What else do I need to feel safe? For H to not only tell me the A was a huge mistake, but to do whatever he can to repair this M. To REALLY let me know that is what he wants. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CV, so much of what you wrote sounds exactly like what I am feeling. I have been following both yours and Moms stories, though I have not posted much. Sometimes your stories made me sad because my WH was nowhere near where both of yours were. There were times when I wished I had your problems, instead of my Plan B. Well, now I do have the same issues you both are struggling with because my WH has come home. I also long for some sign of hope from WH or some enthusiasm for the marriage. This pre-recovery is really tough. Mom, I agree that the insecurity we feel is just not fair. But I guess we need to appreciate the small steps forward, even though we want to run.

I just had a great thought! I have such a hard time keeping up with EVERYONES stories...although CV and I are in SUCH a similar situation, I still dont know her full story.

Do you think we can start a thread about Recovery and the ups and downs we go thru daily and keep all our posts in THAT thread so we can give each other support. Kinda like they have done with Plan B. I think it would realy help all of us out that are in such the same situation. Sharing our stories, etc...WE can probably even laugh at some of the things we are going thru.

What do you guys think? And What shall we call it...Recovery sucks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you guys think? And What shall we call it...Recovery sucks! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mom, I'm gonna be tuff on you here.I hope you realize it's because I want you and Dad to have the kind of recovery my H and I have. That's the whole reason I am still at MBers 4 1/4 years after my own d-day.

You have got to get a new attitude. You have got to stop feeling sorry for yourself that you are going through this. Do you deserve it? No, certainly not. However, you had a piece in your marriage getting to this point, did you not? If you have this attitude here(it's a common theme in your posts)it will certainly carry over into your home. I'm not saying not to vent here, just to be very careful about the vibe you give off at home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">. I know I am not ugly and I dont think I would have a problem getting someone, so why isn't he attracted to me?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Attraction is about soooo much more than outer beauty. You're whiny, whiny is not attractive.
You set the bar for H very high, even now as he's just barely starting to recover. How would you feel if he set the bar that high for you and was dismayed every time you fell short? Would you feel attracted to him? You badger him about the honesty thing, sounding like a mother. Definitely not attractive. He's a grown man, he's heard you, give him some credit. I tell you, he's dying inside for it. Mom, how many times have you told him you need honesty? Be honest. If your H does not have a hearing problem he's heard it, painfully, each time you've said it. If he is a REPENTENT (note I did not mearly say remorseful) man, he's probably wrought over how he could have lied so much. He's wrought over how he could have lost his family and the damage he could have caused multiple people. Inately doctors heal, they don't destroy. So, if he is free from a personality disorder, and this is A has been an act done in a time of personal crisis and is something that is out of character for him, he's not only dealing with the feelings and pain of giving up an ADDICTION (think of OW as nothing more than this, otherwise you give her power) he's also wondering how in the "hell" he could have done all the dark things it required to pull this A off. Pretty heavy stuff, wouldn't you say? As far as dealing with the A mentally, I often thought my FWS had it much worse than me. After recovery begins, and YOU and HE have decided you want to BUILD A NEW marriage, then you have got to let a LOT of things go. The sooner the better. Not only does your FWS have a place and responsibility in helping you heal, you have a place and responsibility in his healing as well.

I'm going to be bluntly honest here but PLEEEAAASE I hope you will know my intentions are purely with the hope you'll recover your marriage.You say that you have "changed".However, from the intensity of your posts and the mountain of emotions and thoughts that you are having, and the LBs you still regularly commit, it's MVHO, that you are not "changed", but in the porcess of changing. Still positive, for recovery is a long process. Realize though, that for your H, you might not be looking entirely "safe" or "appealing", thus his still having "negative" feelings for you. Good thing is, you both can acknowledge that "good" feelings can still be enflamed by doing positive, need meeting actions.

I see in your posts that you have a very difficult time controlling your impulsivity around H. You seem anxious about so much, much of the time. Calm is more attractive than anxious,no?
I know it's hard, but I found I felt better about recovery when I forced my brain into a lower gear so to speak. I didn't run recovery into overdrive. To me, too much felt forced when I continually tried to analyze everything. If ever there was a time in our marriage when we needed to unwind and slow down it was in early recovery. We spent tons of time together. Most successfully recovered couples I have seen here, have spent endless hours alone and as a family reconnecting. QUANTITY time became a huge priority in the marriage. Harley says it himself.

This MBers program works best when you follow the entire plan. Sure, it can be tweaked to individuals BUT the basic tenents of recovery need to be followed to create that "in love" feeling again and to STAY in love as well. Recovery necessitates reevaluating life priorities and evaluating the cost versus the benefit of some pretty important issues, especially when it comes to the issue of time, for it is in the essence of every other EN.

For your recovery's sake I'd be joyed to see you and H slow way down. You have a lifetime together!!!!! No need to force it, just to be accountable. You're beautiful boys are counting on you both. You are moving in a forward, positive direction, baby step, by baby step. I 'd urge you to focus and be satisfied with baby steps.With a healthy recovery the leaps and bounds are to come, I assure you. I'd caution you not to stay down too long when sometimes recovery takes a step backwards. As long as you are moving forward together, that is what matters. When recovery is forced too quickly there is greater liklihood for reinjury. Slow and steady wins the race. All the best to you.

One more thought....

Are you on or have you considered antidepressants?

mth...I know you are right! I am a very anxious person...But H says I have changed. I do come here for most of my LBing. My attitude is positive most of the time around H, it is when I get slapped in the face when I feel negative about my and his feelings. It is so hard to hear the man you love say to your face that he doesn't love you...as you know I am sure...

One thing I dont think I mentioned, which this is what got us to pre A position to begin with. I have begged H for years and years NOT to work so much. Since he has been home he has taken many shifts, unnecesary shifts in the ER. Also, approaching the subject of working Saturday in the clinic. We live an hour away from his clinic, yet more time AWAY from me. I have asked him to please try to spend more time wtih us. He just does not get it. You KNOW he is as stubborn as a donkey and he doesn't listen to people well. he is trying to change his arrogancy and selfishness, but it is still very much there and I do not expect taht to change overnight.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I see in your posts that you have a very difficult time controlling your impulsivity around H. You seem anxious about so much, much of the time. Calm is more attractive than anxious,no?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it is and ironically I was MUCH MORE calm when he would come by the house DURING the A than I am now. I was able to just sit there and listen to all his babble and blow him off. But now, I have such a hard time. What should I do...How do I control it? Just zip my mouth and not tell him my honest feelings? I dont want to push him away.

And yes I am on Effexor!

I really don't think BS should share every anxious thought they have with WS. If I were a WS I would find that overwhelming. You can be honest about your feelings overall without being overwhelming.

Any one can be remorseful and feel sorry and bad about what they did. However if they are not, or refuse to be, repentent( definition: turns 180 degrees and goes in the opposite direction) for WHATEVER reason, you have little chance of having a recovered marriage that lasts a lifetime. There is bitter sacrifice required to save a partnership and build a new marriage. Mom, your old marriage is dead. If you try to revive it you will have a "mummy" at best. Be done with the dead and build something new. It's worth it in the long run.