Recently it has come to my attention that my wife of 5 years, mother of my 3 children had an affair. About 2 months ago she called me 1 day and said "I am not coming home" when she got off work one day. She disappeared for about 5 days and the only way I got in touch with her was by going to her work on that 5th day when she went into work. I convinced her to come see the kids and when she showed up I left. This was in mine and the kids’ best interest since I am a manic-depressive and I didn't want to do something crazy since I had been having crazy thoughts all week. Well I find out that she had an affair with some guy she worked with. I did this by watching her at work and tapping the phones. I know that sounds crazy but I was watching the kids while she was at work and I didn't want to be taken advantage of.

Well all of that went down the first month or so of our separation. I don't know if she was having an affair before she left or when it started. She swears that it was after we separated and that since we "weren't together" it was all right for her to do. I wanted her to feel the pain I did so I manipulated it into her head without actually saying it that I had a girl I was seeing too. This had its intended effect but it also made her feel less sorry about what she had done. I finally let her know I didn't have any girls I was seeing and that I wanted to work through this.

Now she is letting me have sex with her everyday and letting me stay the night over there but my clothes are at my sister's house. I told her that she had to quit her job if she wanted a chance with me and she did. She is enjoying sex now more than ever and I have totally changed how I treat her. But I am not living over there. I guess I don't understand what my next steps are. What should I do next? Can I ever trust this woman again? What can I do to get over the pain? Should I throw in the towel on the marriage? Thanks in advance to any responses I get.

overnightchange -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Actually you are in a very good position. Read all about Plan A here. There is a link to it in Just Found Out, in the thread called General Welcome to All New Builders.

You will be very upset right now, but stick with us and we will help you through this.

OvernightChange said:
I wanted her to feel the pain I did so I manipulated it into her head without actually saying it that I had a girl I was seeing too. This had its intended effect but it also made her feel less sorry about what she had done. I finally let her know I didn't have any girls I was seeing and that I wanted to work through this.

Do you think this may put any doubts of trust in her mind about you?

and

How did you confront her about her affair?

Yes there is very little trust for me. She had it in her head all these years that I was running around with women. The things I say put this in her mind I guess. Actually early in our marriage I did run around a little after our first child was born, so that's why I can't fault her for what she did. I confronted her by saying why did you sleeep around. She says "we [me and her]weren't together" so it really wasn't sleeping around. I said "We are still married though." She tried to deny it at first but once I got her mad enough she finally admitted it, I guess to hurt me. She has admitted her mistakes and said it'll never happen again, but I don't know if I am too sure it won't. We got married at 19 so the crap I pulled was childish and I learned from my mistakes, but we are 25 now so I thought she should be beyond that. I guess by reading these forums that you're never to old to stray. To be honest just last night she told me she thinks she's pregnant, and since I have had sex with like every day minus maybe 4 since her last period 4 weeks ago it's a real good chance. Now won't that throw a curveball in there, heh.

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