Hi everyone,
I have posted many time before on just found out and have exposed the A.

W and I have had two d-days and she says their is nothing going on, she starts wanting to seperate than back to try to work it out....
She told me she is not in contact with the OM which are two of them, but i know she is still involved with them . Atleast one I know for sure...
The only thing I showed her was the cell phone bill showing constant calling to the Om's especially one which is a co-worker. this co-worker seems to be having problems in his marriage too and finding out that he wants my w to leave me and live with him.....
My W is saying ILY to him and I know they have had sex in two times.....
I just so confused on what to do right know and teying to figure out what to do next without making it worse, i love my w with all my heart and she knows it but she does not say it back to me like she says it to him.....

I can sleep at nights and w asks me whats wrong but I just say too many things goignthrough my head, all i think about is you....
She some time says nothing or she will get upset... She is worried about my job (as she says) and wants me to be OK. How can i be OK if she is still in contact with OM, she did tell me that you are base a A on a cell phone bill...

I just not sure what to do next....
I feel the next confertation has better to have more proof or she may walk, I dont know.....
I know my children are a mess right now and i believe they are acting this out do to they see whats happening....She basically does it in front of them when she is upset....

Love to hear your thoughts.
Deeppain

Hi DeepPain,

I'm assuming you are in Plan A, right?

Try not to LB (Love Bust) - I know that's really hard but the whole point of Plan A is to try to fill their Love Bank so if/when you have to go to Plan B they will have something positive to miss, have some withdrawals from.

Your WW (Wayward Wife) is behaving a lot like my WH did. He was undecided and unwilling to really end the affair, while 'trying' to come home... Since you just recently discovered the infidelities and should stay in Plan A for a while before resorting to Plan B, this is going to be tough. If you have evidence of her still having contact with the OM, then I think it's OK to discuss that with her (pretty sure that's within the MB principles) BUT you should try to remain as calm as possible while doing so. She may prefer to argue in order to justify leaving you.

It's really not good that she wants to argue in front of the kids. She may be doing that so she can justify breaking up with a 'look what it's doing to the kids' excuse... Are you two going to MC (Marriage Counseling)? If so, maybe you can stick to talking about relationship/affair stuff while in the presence of the counselor?

I've read that for a good marriage only about one-fifth of the conversation should be about relationship/problems/serious stuff. The rest of the conversation should be positive/fun/casual/friendly. Again, it's not easy to do this when your WS is trying to start arguments, lying to you, and either ignoring you or saying mean fog talk things...

Your WW needs to make a decision and do more than say she will 'try'... But I don't remember whether or not Plan A is the time to confront her on this? I'm pretty sure you have to stay in Plan A for a while first AND/OR do a REALLY GOOD Plan A if you can only manage to stay in Plan A for a shorter period? I guess a very good but short Plan A would be better than a weaker but longer Plan A? If you yield to the temptation to Love Bust during Plan A, it won't be very effective at making her want to end the affairs and really work on the marriage. Your wife is not going to make this easy on you (or the kids apparently - sad). When she's trying to make you angry or get you to argue, think about the kids, how you need to stay strong and loving towards your wife for their sake. At some point you may have to switch to Plan B. Doing a REALLY GOOD Plan A sets the groundwork for that.

I did a pretty good job of Plan A, but still wish I had done better. I made the mistake of not staying in Plan B once I got there (fell for promises from WH instead of waiting for proof). Another reason I was tempted to end Plan B prematurely is that I would sometimes worry if I had done a good enough Plan A; so I would be tempted to go back and do Plan A again instead of staying in Plan B. My WH's dishonesty and indecision, AND my weakness in following the Plans, caused a lot of needless pain and turmoil for our daughters. I finally got the resolve to go to Plan B and stay there in order to protect my daughters.

Because of my WH's problems with anger/violence/dishonesty I had to tell him I could no longer discuss anything in private with him. I said he could put anything he had to tell me in writing or say it in front of a 3rd party (like a counselor or even the OW). We just couldn't deal with any more of his double talk and broken promises.

I know how hurtful it is that your WW is still contacting the OM behind your back. But if it's any comfort, it's very typical WS behavior. It's as though the WS is temporarily insane or taken over by an alien. Check out the fog talk thread to read some of the bizarre things WS's say. Some of what they say is extremely hurtful but some of it is so silly you can't help but LOL. It might help to think of your wife as having a sort of temporary mental illness. (Of course don't say that to HER - that would definitely be LB'ing and start a big argument!) Right now she (and your kids) need you to be strong and loving. Your wife will be afraid to trust you to take her back and forgive her after what she's done. If she can get you to act angry towards her this will confirm her fear and will be her excuse to continue the affairs. She will blame you and say that YOU didn't try and/or couldn't forgive...

There are LOTS of people posting here who have dealt with the same and can help you through this.

<small>[ April 28, 2004, 09:34 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Thank you meremortal,

My w is still convinced i have no proof so she tells me that their is nothing going on, their just friends....

I am trying to stay very calm, it's hard especially when she is always upset at me and does not appriciate what i do.....

I have also found out that she is talking to the OM like I am a bad person and dont respect her....

I need to re-read the plan a and the LB to amke sure it sinks in to me.....
I just cant bear sharing my W and also finding out that it bothers the OM if my W gets intimate with me. My GOD, she is my W!!!!!!

How can my W let this guy treat me this way, what did I do to deserve this!!!!

sorry for venting but this is so much pain to deal with....

thanks.

did i miss the part where you stated she said she was willing to try at the beginning of this thread? counseling is always good, even if it's just you. of course it would be ideal for it to be w/both spouses but we know we're not in ideal situations. if you believe in the MB concepts and want to follow them then the best thing to do is to go to the source, steve harley. it's expensive, don't get me going on that but it is immediate professional feedback specific to your situation. it will help give you additional clarity and help you focus on the task at hand. of course the best counselor of all is God, He's free and always available.

continue to come here and read and post and read and post, etc. it would also help if you could update your signature line to reflect what your ages are, length of marriage, kids, etc. it just gives us a snapshot of your situation because often people jump in and there and reply a certain way not knowing the whole picture. we understand if you don't feel comfortable doing this. wishing you much strength and prayers to you.

thank you Roughroad....

w does not want to go to counseling....
yes, she says she will try but if the OM is still in contact with her, how can it work....
he has convinced her that I have no proof and he only has accusations only and no proof.....

I was thinking to talk to a priest b/c i am really getting to be in bad shape due to i feel she has not shown any change to work things out.
Maybe she has made small improvements and i did not see them but I dont know....

Their is also OM2 involve too, thats right she is having two A but one I know is heavy which is the co-worker and his M is not going well and nealy at a seperation....

thanks.

i'm sorry for your double torture. heard a message on Job (from the Bible) last night and so i think i'm likening myself after him right now so that no matter what happens to me that i will be considered a well and faithful servant. surprised you haven't talked to your priest already but i know we don't all work on the same time tables and have different comfort zones. even though i doubt myself i still continue to tell others to "stay the course." remember you are in a race and it's a marathon not a sprint. That's what we all want to do is finish the race. prayers to you.

My Love for my w is very strong and I wont give upon her....
I have been going to church and praying that this will work out and show me some signs .....

Hi everyone....

last night w and I had an arguement ....
She was asking me why I am holding on the cell phone bill and not given it back to her....
She wants it back due to it's in her name and it's her's...
She said to me why are we staying in a fake marriage and continueing.... I replied to her that "if you want to seperate than you can do what you want, i dont want it..." she replied " yeah, so i look like a BI*CH...."
I am goign to myself she is having the A's and I have to cause the seperation....
I JUST DONT GET IT!!!!!!
If she wants out than why she just does not do it......
I hope some can share some light....
Thanks...