I did not write a NC letter, but I did talk to OW.
I gave my wife passwords to all accounts.
I honestly answer all of W questions.
I tell my W each time I have made contact.
I am seeing a counselor and we have discussed marriage counseling -- However I am not sure about this because I am honest when I say I'm not sure if I want the marriage to work - I go back and forth on this. It worries me.
I am trying to be much kinder to my W and do things with her.
I am reading different posts here and reading books.

Maybe I should quit posting because I am not entirely sure that I want to give up OW, so maybe there isn't hope for me.

So, really you've already made your choice and we have all basically wasted our time trying to help you and post suggestions and answers to you.

What's holding you back from telling your wife the good news?

Kati


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by intheFOG:
Maybe I should quit posting because I am not entirely sure that I want to give up OW, so maybe there isn't hope for me. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

are you currently in contact with the OW>..

yes

or

no

I go back and forth on this. It worries me.

what worried it might work??
what exactly are you worried about?
and try a little deeper than your wife might change....

Is it really all about what you want only??

really??

pity your children...

ark

I'm sorry. I am sorry to my W. I know I really hurt her and I have told her so. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't seem to break and do the right thing and it scares me. My W even sees it. She has been so supportive, but even she has become very upset lately. I have sent her to read at this sight. Hopefully you can help her get through this.

ITF,

Thank you for replying and saying what you *have* done. Thank you also for being honest with us here. You are very confused, and it is not a happy place to be.

It will NOT get any easier until you make up your mind that NC with the OW is imperative. Without NC, things will only get worse and worse until you lose your W. That is a shame, because from what little you've said about her it does sound like she is a rare find.

Thank you for sending her to this site.

Maybe I should quit posting because I am not entirely sure that I want to give up OW
Aw, don't quit posting...

As Harley has asked, "Wouldn't the BEST thing that could happen is for you and your wife to fall back in love and WANT to spend the rest of your lives together HAPPY together and then do it?"
Think of this as not what you want right now or think can or can't happen but simply wouldn't this be the best?
This really is possible. And yes it CAN be far better than you ever had with ow.

so maybe there isn't hope for me.
Sure there is. As long as you don't simply give up.

<small>[ May 04, 2004, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I think you made a very positive step by sending your wife to this site and I know that there are some very great people here who will do their best to help her cope with this situation.

One thing thing that makes me think that you really love your wife is when you say that you are scared. Someone here said that you don't want your old life/marriage back and that you may be scared that it is all going back to where it was before. You know, that is a valid point, but I don't think that it will and it probably can't because too much has happened.

Thinking about my own marriage, I don't want the life pre-A back anymore. It was not a really good life and my H's EA has made me look at some things that really needed to be changed. I am a better woman for this now and I would never want to go back to the ol' me, no matter what would happen in my/our life.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by intheFOG:
<strong> I'm sorry. I am sorry to my W. I know I really hurt her and I have told her so. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't seem to break and do the right thing and it scares me. My W even sees it. She has been so supportive, but even she has become very upset lately. I have sent her to read at this sight. Hopefully you can help her get through this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

ITF, I'm glad you stuck around but as I mentioned at the outset the replies would be very consistent. I think you have seen that and you well know everybody can't be wrong. But I like what CV55 said in "fast forward 2 years". That's the magic time I have always applied to these things. Can you imagine living in that scenario that CV outlined. The weight on this new relationship with be overwhelming. I suppose that's why the statistics are what they are. So you don't decide and leave the decision to the other parties. I'm sure both your W and OW have a definite time line in mind. And I'm sure you realize you can't go on like this indefinitely. Why not ask yourself and the other two how much time you have left before the cleanup begins? Whatever that will look like. Oh, and let's not forget about your hero status with those kids. Like I tell my W, the other person will eventually leave our lives and all that will remain is the damage. Good luck.

I wrote this for another board - but I thought it might apply here as well. Here are the reasons I SHOULDN'T be happily married (but I am).

Much like all of you, when I was unhappy in my marriage I had LISTS of reasons that H and I were wrong for each other.

I am an only child - my H is child #8 of 10.

My father raised me (my mother died when I was 4.5) and he committed suicide 10 years ago - my H still has both of his parents (who live right across the road from us!)

My father moved us all over, I grew up in many big cities and went to many different schools - my H grew up across the road from where we are now and never left the state until I took him!

I am outgoing, highly energetic, boistrous, fun loving, loud - my H was raised to be seen and not heard, he is quiet, practical, easy going, and often doesn't enjoy EVERYTHING like I do.

I like to spend money!!! - my H likes to EARN money (and save it!)

I like to be an active participant - my H prefers to just watch

I try always to look at the positive, I like to praise and like to RECIEVE praise - my H tends to see what's wrong, first. He can be critical and perfectionist.

I'm a liberal who believes that God is a concept, not a being - my H was raised Catholic and is most definatly conservative.

I could go on - the fact is that we're opposites. Completely! Well, there are a FEW things we share in common - OBVIOUSLY, or we would NEVER have found each other attractive. So here's the good stuff - the reason it WORKS for us (and we did have to CHOOSE to MAKE it work for us):

Both my H and I have a strong work ethic. We believe in EARNING what we have and neither of us would EVER look to mooch off of others in order to get what we want. When you ask my H what he likes or admires about me the first thing he would say is "she's a hard worker". It took a new way of thinking for me to take that as a genuine compliment! But I now understand that work ethic is high on my H's attraction list - and since I make the list, he really does admire that about me! Better than the typical "she's got great boobs" (which he also says ) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

We both like to do things right! My father was a perfectionist and my H was a perfectionist (he's lightened up a lot) - well, after all these years of fighthing it I have noticed that it's finally rubbed off on me. I find myself working very hard to do things right the first time so as to avoid having to do them over! It's a waste of time if you just do it half a$$ed and have to do it over!

I have learned that I can STILL enjoy absolutely EVERYTHING and it's okay if my H is just there for me! I definatly enjoy things more when my H is having fun too, but I don't feel as if I have to go alone, or go with friends, or just stay home if I know it's something my H won't thouroughly enjoy. I ride in the tractor for hours with him and I enjoy just being there with him - so he can trapse along with me and just enjoy spending time with me on occasion too! We really have become each others best friends and I DO enjoy being with him!

He thinks I'm funny! He used to roll his eyes and get embarrassed when I made a scene (I could be a comedian!!!) - but with time he's noticed that people really ENJOY me when I'm silly and now he tells me his face hurts from laughing so hard!

I think HE'S funny! He has such a subtle sense of humor and it just cracks me up! He doesn't always say much, but can throw out a one liner that leaves me laughing for hours!

I ADMIRE his financial responsiblity. Having lived on my own for a year (and now running my own business) I know what it's like to stress about bill paying and whether there are any savings to cover unexpected problems. I appreciate that my H works hard so that we aren't swimming in debt. I have STOPPED wanting EVERYTHING and decided to be gracious and happy with what we have! It's SO MUCH MORE than what I grew up with! Yea, I'd like a better table and chairs and we've had this cruddy couch for YEARS - but I can live with it and be HAPPY anyway! It's just STUFF! I know many people who have it all and are still not happy! I know for a fact we can lose it all and still be happy! Because 5 years ago this June we DID lose it all (tornado) and we gained a new appreciation for life.

The best thing H and I gained from our experience was a new appreciation for each other. We BOTH felt taken for granted and unappreciated. Now I APPRECIATE his differences and admire him, and he APPRECIATES my differences and admires me!!

We didn't marry for the right reasons - we're complete opposites - we even share different views on many things. But we ADD things to each others life. We choose to work as PARTNERS to make our life equally fulfilling for both of us. We choose to work TOGETHER to choose what paths we take.

Love is NOT a feeling - it is a CHOICE. We aren't choosing love because it feels good - it feels good because it's the right choice!

The other part I wrote is about who I have decided to be. I actually made this decision several years back when I came back to my marriage and knew that in order for things to be different this time, I was going to have to be different. So I had to think about who it was I wanted to be. This is me:

-------------------------------------
My Mission Statement

To live a life I can be proud of I will be an active participant,
I will show compassion, generosity and stewardship towards others,
I will appreciate life and those I share it with,
I will continue to listen and learn in order to keep my mind sharp and aware, and my vision clear,
I will commit to doing the best I can, recognize my weaknesses and work to better them, and remember to allow for imperfection in myself and in others,
I will strive for balance and endeavor to not lose sight of these things in darker times.
We get one life with no do-overs.
I will not live my life in a way that would allow me to regret how I used my opportunity to add something to this world.
_________________________

You've said that you aren't sure whether you want your marriage or not (not a great time to be making that decision, in my experienced opinion), so what I'm asking you is who it is that you want to be? Really think about it - as a human being, who do you want to be? Once you look at that - think about who you are and whether or not your current actions are in line with who you want to be. Because no one else on this earth can FORCE you to betray YOURSELF and your ideals. If you aren't living up to who you believe you are - then you are failing yourself. No other person on this planet can MAKE you someone you aren't - so if you're unhappy with yourself you're the one who's going to have the make the changes. Changing partners isn't going to do it.

Think about it.

ITF,

If you're not sure you want the marriage to work, it won't. Don't you get it yet? Sheesh.

~ Snow