ok, this has nothing to do with infidelity (what a treat huh??) but since i feel like some of you know so much about me and about my marriage and about good marriages in general, i'm going to give it a go...

my H loves to play golf. He used to have a weekend permanent tee time but it gets hard to not have that impact family activities, especially after we got the lake house. My H is a freelance photographer so he does not have a regular 9-5, 5days/week type of schedule. So the last few years he has been playing every wed morning instead of the weekend. when the kids are not in school, there really is no problem. i am still free to get to work at whatever time i need and the kids can hang out (mostly sleep) until H gets home. The kids are old enough, 14 and 10. I have no problem with them being left at home on there own for an hour or two. They are told the night before what to expect, they can always reach me at the office and H has cell phone too.

The hard part is when they are still in school. D has to go at 8am, son at 8:50am. My work schedule is flexible so some days i can choose to stay home until 8:50 and then go to office. But some days i just cannot, either do to a mtg or lab time or just cuz there is WAY TOO MUCH TO DO!!! I have historically tried to enable H to golf on wed when work could allow it. On days i could not stay home, he would have to skip golf.

Two wed ago, he wanted to golf, i had no mtg but major deadlines/pressure. he said he was going to golf anyway, let D get up and out the door on her own (she is close enough to walk) and get home in time to drive S to school. he would call S to make sure he was up and getting ready for school.

i was not really too comfortable with this plan. I don't think it is right to have no parent home for kids when they wake and have to get to school. i didn't like D having to get completely out the door without one of us around. But i understood that weather is just starting to get nice and H is anxious to golf. I said ok, but then, i decided to forget about work pressures and stick around for kids. i forget if i decided this the night before or in the morning. at the very least i would of called him while he was golfing to let him know he could relax, i would get kids to school. he ended up not getting home until after S and I left.

He was appreciative that i took care of things and allowed him to golf. I was glad he had a good time. I didnt say anything about how i thought the plan in general was not something i was comfortable with.

I tutor 2 kids, on tuesdays, one girl from 4-4:50, the other from 5-5:50. son has theater class at 5pm on tuesdays, which is good because it gets son out of house during hour when girl comes to my house to be tutored. if H cannot be home, i tutor the one child (at her house) dash home, get son to theater, dash back home and then tutor second child. sometimes the first tutoring session goes over and it gets very very (as in VERY) tight. ok, this means i get behind. which means if i have to be the one to get son to theater, he would be late. on days i know H is not around, i try really really really hard to not get behind. but the first girl i tutor tries SOOOOO hard, she is a sweetie, and i will give her extra time whenever i can. and i cut it close. Last tuesday i was cutting it close but i was just bearly making it work. H was supposed to not be back in time to get son to theater. As I was dashing home to pick him up, i called to tell him to meet me outside (i was a block away) daughter tells me dad and he just left (appearently H had just gotten home). When he got back, even though i had the second child now at our house, he told me how he just didn't understand my priorities. why is ok to make son late for theater for this other girl (i have been with this girl for 2 yrs now, i know the mother well, as does he, they are neighbors, he knows how much i enjoy helping this girl, he knows it is important to me that i help her, she has improved so much since i have been working with her, and that results in her feeling better about herself in general and i think that is so much more important than her math grade). So i tell him its not that this girl is more important that son, i was cutting it close, yes, but i would of gotten him there at most 2 min late. i feel bad, i tell him i'm sorry, i tell him son is very important to me.

later he tells me again he just doesn't understand my priorities. i appologize again.

now last night H tells me he wants to golf again this morning. I absolutely could not stay home till 8:50 due to work. so today, daughter had to get up and out on her own (H did make lunch for her) and son got up and started getting ready, H got home about 8:30 (later than he told son to expect).

i've never been good at this kind of stuff...
1) i don't think H should golf when kids are having to get to school
2) i don't understand how he can give me a hard time about tutoring but have no problem with his plan.

i fear no matter how i bring up the subject, i will come out the wrong one. historically this is seems to be how it goes.

how do i approach this in a healthy/constructive way. in other words, exactly how do functional couples function???

<small>[ April 28, 2004, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

FL,

As someone who loves golf and doesn't get to play very much because of...work, kids, and more kids stuff, I can offer you the following suggestions.

He can get a later tee time since he plays during the weekday and doesn't have be at a regular job.

You two need to sit down get the spread sheet out and see what EACH of you is committed to do during the day. You are committed to work because the two of you are committed to spending the money you make, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You have the tutoring, your son has lessons, your D has ????. Put it all down on a spread sheet, and then start blocking time for him to play golf, probably about 5 hours total.

Fit the blocks together, discuss them AGREE on them . Make sure everyone knows the drill and that he is in full agreement with them. It sounds as if he is willing to help out and pick kids up as well, but what should happen is that the time scheduling should be such that you are NOT running on a tight schedule if you can avoid it. It allows for slippage and more comfort. He will enjoy golf more if he is not worrying about getting the kids right after. You won't mind him golfing at all if your schedule and his golf mesh better.

It will take some give and take, and actually he should probably do most of it for two reasons: 1. It is a recreation thing 2. His schedule is more flexible. That doesn't mean you don't accomodate as well, but I think if you two sit down to the computer and pull up a time chart or make one out of the Table facility on most word processors, you can do this.

Good Luck.

JL

JL, thanks. ya know, i feel like an idiot, i'm 40 yrs old and i'm asking a question as if i just got married.... ok, i'll put that thought aside.

i missed something in my description. he plays at sunrise because he plays with neighbor who does have a day job. incidentally i swore i saw that neighbor come home this morning as i was leaving which means that guy played less than 18 holes due to his responsibilities. and H must of stayed to play a few more holes on his own.

i think your suggestion is right on the money, but, i'm telling you, i won't be able to get him to buy into this. especially now!! he will tell me i am always doing too much (like the tutoring) anyway. of course he will also tell me he is glad i tutor because he knows how much i enjoy it. i really want to be a teacher but due to finances i have not been able to change careers.

of course what else do i expect anyone to tell me here then. so i will bring up subject and see how it goes. I'll start out by saying i know he enjoys golf and i like him to go but i'm uncomfortable with him going like he did today. to which he will either understand or not. no matter how he reacts i need to stay focused, lead the conversation towards looking at alternatives and cross my fingers i don't end up feeling like i am unreasonable and mean.

well, i don't feel like i am unreasonable or mean, so that is good, but...

when we talked about this, i started by asking how it went, how many holes he got to play, how much did the wind effect play (it is very windy here). then i told him i am not really very comfortable with daughter having to go to wake up and get to school on her own. he said he didn't think she minded. i said that is good but irregardless, i'm still not comfortable with it. i said, next week you are playing on monday anyway (going to WI for a special outing, i am going into work late) so wed should not be a problem and then there are only 4 weeks left before school is out and that i would do what i can to keep my wed morning free and he said, yeah, hopefully it won't have to happen again. and i said well technically it does not have to happen. this is when it started to turn bad.

i had decided ahead of time to not bring up the tutoring issue, afterall that is a seperate issue, he told me his concern, i am taking it into consideration and will make sure i don't let son be late. that issue does not have to be tied into this one. i also decided to not make any disrespectful judgement, like you are only ok with the idea because it is you that is benefitting.

he said to me, i'm not sure if this is really about the kids or you just don't want me to play golf. this really boils my blood but i stayed completely calm. i said i don't understand why you tend to conclude i don't want you to play golf. i am as supportive as i can be for you to play and yet you always act like i am so mean about it. and i really don't get it. (i am going to bring that topic up again. i sincerely wish i can understand what i do that makes him think i don't want him to play golf. i personally think he feels guilty to some extent and pushes that onto me, in fact he has at times mentioned that might possible be a small part of it)

it is true, when he golfed every sat and after golfing he would stay to have a few beers and then he would get home late in the afternoon and fall asleep on the couch, i didn't like it! i work all week, i wanted time with him. and this did not happen once in a while, it was EVERY week. permanant tee time for many years. i love my kids and we would have fun, go to park, go to zoo, ride bikes, have picnics, but i didn't like not having him around. and i told him. and i said, if you would just golf and then come home, not drink and then need to nap, it would make us both happy. but he would say, you have to stay for at least one, which is never really one. i know other guys that golf and they DON"T HAVE to drink afterwards. in fact one of the guys he golfed with one year would not stay, he would always say i got to go home and H would make fun of him for doing that. now exactly what kind of message does he think he is giving me???

but even with all that history, i know how much he enjoys golfing and i really am more than happy to help him schedule it in. i don't know why he cannot believe me. having it be wed mornings is much better than sat mornings and i appreciated it when he changed that.

maybe you can tell, this is a recurring issue and we will have these talks, i'll tell him over and over i don't mind you golfing as long as the time balances out. and sometimes he will even conceed that i am in fact extremely reasonable about it. but next possible chance he has, he is right back into the attitude that i just don't want him to golf.

so then, as i continue to just calmly state that i am just not comfortable with the plan, he is getting mad, does not want to get into fight, i say neither do i, why does this have to be a fight. he says if daughter says it bothered her he will re-consider. i said so you don't think it should bother me as long as it doesn't bother her, because i think irregardless it will bother me. i like the kids to have a parent there when they wake up (is that so unreasonable???)

then he says, he doesn't want to say something that will make this go in a bad way. i said neither do i. then he finally says, well you know me, i like to be fair, if you want me to not golf then you have to ensure me you will never let tutoring get in the way. i wanted to be so mad at that stmt!!!!! i am actually very proud of myself. i said, you know i was first thinking the same about the same thing, how can you get all over me because i have made son a few minutes late for theater class and have no problem with you leaving daughter completely on her own in the morning. but i don't want to go there. we discussed the tutoring issue. i told you i would not allow it to happen again, that issue is not connected to this one and i don't think it is productive to try to make this into a competition.

well then the other phone rang and he decided to get it go answer it.

this is historically how we relate to each other and i for one refuse to be a part of it anymore. whether or not he tries to view issues with a defensive/competitive slant does not mean i have to. nor am i going to let him bully me into acctepting things i am not happy about.

i know i am a reasonable person. i'm not going to let him twist things in order to get his way anymore. bottomline.

and the best part is, i'm not feeling mad, and i'm not jumping on my own case and doubting myself either.

i want a healthy relationship and in a healthy relationship, the two people talk calmly about things that bother each other and they come to the table with respect and a desire to understand each other's point of views and do what is best for all. i'll do my best to let him golf as much as possible, but not if kids having to get to school on their own.

if i act that way, then it won't be possible to have the arguements go the way they used to go. it feels good to know i can control this by controlling myself and my actions.

what do you all think? am i full of myself or on the right track?