Hi!! I suspect a dear friend of mine is cheating on her husband of 9 years. She called me about a month ago to info me the "H and I are getting a divorce." I was shocked as this couple is a fellow Christian couple with strong views on divorce, and this was completely out of the blue. When I asked her why, her reply was "I'm not in love with H." She claimed she never realy loved her husband, and that she "can't live that way anymore." This raised red flags in my head, and asked her point-blank if there was someone else involved. She replied "No," but there was a hesitation before she answered. I have been friends with this person for over 5 years. We met while my husband was still in the military, as her husband still is. We were neighbors on a military instillation and became fast friends. They now are stationed about 3 hours from where we live, so we still visit each other's homes. Last time we visited them, my friend had lost a lot of weight and was wearing more figure revealing clothing, and she also openly flirted with 2 young salesmen who come to her house. I was shocked over this behavior, as well. In addition to the weight loss, she recently went back to school to finsh her degree. I think the new physical appearance, as well as the feelings of independence that are coming from finishing her degree, not to mention the attention she is probably getting from younger men, make her a prime candidate for infidelity.
Okay, back to the conversations I have had with her. I haven't brough up the OP theory to her again, but I have urged her to seek pro-marriage counseling with her H, and visit this website, and to not file for divorce until she had done everything possible to keep her family together. I told her I would always be her friend, and I would not take sides, but that I could not and would not condone what she was doing. These people have 3 small children, and the reasons she is giving me are certainly not enough to end a marriage. Our least call ended with me telling her that I would always be there for her, even if I didn't not agree with what she was doing. I left a message for her last week, and she never returned my call. I had also asked for the phone number to her H's apartment--she asked for a separation and he agreed, but she wouldn't give it to me. Today I called a number I found lying around with her name on it, and it was, thankfully, actually her H's cell phone #. He also said he thinks there is an OP involved, but that she'll "never admit it." I referred him to this website, and he seemed very anxious to come here, so I hope he visits soon. He loves his W very much and desperately wants to keep their family together, even if there is infidelity involved.
Now, my question. My H and I are very close to this couple and their children, and care a great deal for all them. I do not want to take sides, but I cannot and will not agree with what my friend is doing right now. She called me twice saying she knew I would tell her "the truth" and not just what she wanted to hear "like everybody else." SHe seems to be in the infamous "FOG" I have read so much about. Is there anything I can do as a friend to help her come back to her senses?
Thanks for any input you can give me.

suggest that she can come here as well and certainly giving her a copy of His needs/Her needs by Dr. Harley. you could say that this book will help with whatever situation people are in. I think you might be setting yourself up for failure if you say that

"me telling her that I would always be there for her, even if I didn't not agree with what she was doing."

and then you say "I told her I would always be her friend, and I would not take sides, but that I could not and would not condone what she was doing."

it just seems a "little" contradictory to me and you want to make sure that what you say matches your actions. by this i mean if you say that you will always be her friend and that you will always support her but somewhere down the road she "continues" to do w/whatever she's doing, are you still going to be able to "support" her and what do you mean by that given the circumstances.

wish you much strength in this situation but i would hate for your friend to find out that you're calling her H and doing stuff and then she takes it out on you both. the best thing you can do for all those involved is to pray for them. prayers to you.

Roughroad,
Hi. Thanks for your response. This is a really sad situation, and unfortunately, everyone else surrounding this couple is telling the W to do what makes her happy. She told me this herself. As far as me syaing one thing and thing contradicting myself, I did not tell her I would always support her. I told her I would always be there for her. There is a difference. Just because I don't agree with her actions right now doesn't mean I'm just going to dump her as a friend. I told her in no uncertain terms that I did not agree with her behavior, and that I wouldn't pretend that I did. Also, I did not intend to call her husband today. Since my friend did not return my call, I had hoped the number I found was an alternate way to reach her. I was glad to find out that her H is using the number, though, as my H has been wanting to talk to him, and we both wanted to offer our support and prayers. If my friend gets mad because I referred her husband to this website, and because I told him to not give up on her, so be it. I also referred her to this website weeks ago, but she will not even check it out. My H will be handling any calls from her H from this point on so there will be no mixed signals.
I just want to know is there anything I can say to her that will get through to her? If she calls again, is there something that gets through to people in the fog. I just want to ba able to say something that will help this couple if she reaches out to me again. It's very difficult to watch this family break apart.
Also, please be kind with the 2x4's. I'm sure there are some of you who want to tell me to MMYOB, but please understand, she came to ME for advice. I do not want to butt in to their lives, I only want to be ready if she makes another call.

Thanks.

Ultimately, what will make her happy is honesty, faithfulness, and finding fulfillment within her marriage. If she is having or considering an affair, the road she's on will lead to much sorrow, for herself as well as for her husband and children. THAT will certainly not make her happy!

I hope she and/or her husband will come here for more info.

Since she did ask you for advice... I would continue to give her info that could help her end whatever she's up to before it gets too bad. But I wouldn't tell her I would support her not matter what she chooses. And I wouldn't discuss any more with her husband - let your husband do that instead.

As far as 'taking sides' goes... there really is only one right side: supporting her and her husband in saving their marriage and protecting their children from the destruction of adultery/divorce. That IS being on HER side BTW, what's best for her too.

[color:"blue"] Really inventive cover story.

I admire the creativity if not the intergity! [/color]

I tbink you are very much doing the right thing. You are doing what a TRUE friend would do, not a phony friend, so you will get no 2x4's from me. Real friends do not sit by while their friends destroy themselves and their family. Real friends don't excourage destructive behavior by telling their friend to "do whatever makes you happy." That is shallow, silly, mindless girly talk, and not something a true friend says. What if child molesting made her "happy?" Would these same mushminds encourage her to do this?

Here is what I told my gf who was in an affair [I no longer speak to her because of this]: happiness is the result of being GOOD. Happiness never comes as a result of being bad. It may bring a fleeing thrill, but the cost to one's conscience and self respect always destroys any fleeting "happiness." Destroying one's self respect and moral principles never brings happiness, it brings great grief and regret.

So, please tell your friend that the folks who are telling her to just "be happy" are not her friends. They are telling her what she wants to hear, because they don't care.

They don't give a DAMN if she tears up her family and degrades herself as human being.

Her H should be told that he has made a HUGE, HUGE tactical error by moving out. I would call him NOW and tell him to GET HOME. Moving out only enables the affair and gives the WS more freedom to carry on her affair, usually in her own home. So tell him if he wants to save his marriage, he needs to go home NOW because moving out only helps the OM destroy his family.

Old thread. BreakingThread is now in a PA herself. She and H (Tired Dad) are both posting...mostly on EN.

OH DUH!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I wasted an entire post on it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Where the hale is that delete button so I can save some face?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

LOL, I thought exactly what you did before I read this last response from you...geez, WTH is going on around here? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> This place is like romper room lately.

SOur..