Today I was at H's office. H had the day off. Something made me look in that safe again where I found those love letters from OW. So what do I find? H is reading a book about divorce. SIL read the book and said the author doesn't even mention the effects of D on kids. Anyway, H and I had a long conversation earlier in the day. He admitted the withdrawal is still bad, but he has had NC. Now, I'm not sure what to believe. I told him I feel like he he is fence sitting. Well, I guess if you are reading a book on divorce it would explain that.

My plan is to be radically honest with him tonight. This is BULL****! I'm not reading a book on divorce. You guys are going to love this. I actually offered to pay for the Steve Harley calls with my inheritance money. H has the A, H is reading the D book, and I'm paying for the friggin phone calls. I'm feeling major LBing coming on. We have to go to S's high school tonight, but after we will talk.

C'mon, he's hiding the D book in his safe. He needs to find a new hiding place. I know this isn't grounds for Plan B, but please. Now I'm thinking "Don't waist my time!" You screwed me over once, I'm not putting up with that again.

OK, anyone who wants to jump in here, go for it. Thanks! CV

Aha! Guess I got my answer.

I could understand your anger...I would not know what to do if I were in your position. I think a calm discussion is in order...but calm is the operative word. Of course I can easily say that all the way over here from the other side of the computer screen!

Maybe this is another sign of this self punishing, guilt ridden place he has visited a couple of times, where he wonders why he did this, how can you ever forgive him, how can you move on from this, etc. Maybe this is a pre-emptive, self sabatoging strike he is taking against himself...or...maybe he is a [censored].

CV,

Is it possible that the book has been in there a while like for weeks and weeks and you're only finding it now? Maybe he bought it when he was knee deep in the fog?

PLEEEEEASE....don't LB.Do whatever you have to to try and talk to WH without anger.This is the part where you tell yourself that you can change and not let into WH.Have the strength and courage to hear his explanation...then go from there.

O

I was going to say the same thing O said! Maybe it has been there a while! also, you said that your SIL read it??? First question is why is SIL giving him a Divorce book to begin with? Second, maybe he didn't want you to find it because SIL gave it to him? But then he should have been honest with you about that!

CV...PLEEEEAAASE do NOT LB him. Did you...we are here to support you! I know how angry you are right now. I would be just as so. Remember when OW called my H on Friday. Ok, bad example I think I LB'd. Ok, never mind dont listen to me, I LB too much. Just come here before you do it...PLEEEEASSE!

What else is he reading? When I found out about my wife's affair I got tons of different books regarding divorce, relationships, affairs, etc. I would not be concerned unless it is the only book he is reading. Also, not all books about divorce are all that pro-divorce. If he wants to read about it, maybe you could do some research and propose some books?

Just got back from the HS event. My son goes to a school run by monks and in the various speeches the theme of honor, integrity, and values were coming up. How the school is trying to help these boys develop these principles in their lives. I'm looking at the slimeball H thinking, "It's too bad you couldn't think of your sons before you started on the A path of destruction. Too bad you're still so into yourself you're not thinking of them now." Let's teach them about A's, no family committment, etc.

Sorry gang, the reasons you all gave for H having the D book just aren't flying with me now. Mom, I called SIL after finding the book. She didn't give it to H but had read it. That's why she knew what it was about. She has been a huge support to me and really feels like her brother is screwing up because I have been so patient.

When I found the love letters the book was not in the safe. It is about half way read. And why the HE$$ is it in his safe? SIL said to me as long as he is putting his energy in a D book, he's not putting his energy in us. It's one more secret. If I can try and overcome my pain and huge disappointment that he had an A, he can commit to doing what it takes to repair this mess. All the "I'm sorry's" in the world ain't gonna do it for me. The head, back, and stomach rubbing bimbo is tired of this game.

Before I went to work, during our conversation, I asked him about his last meeting with her. Where he invited her to his business 2 weeks after her last day of work because he needed closure. Supposedly they spent a half hour max together. First it was 15 minutes. He wasn't sure if they stood the whole time or sat down. She told H she was sleeping at a girlfriends who was having M problems. Such a sweet thing! So I started grilling him. Where did you go in the building? What exactly did you both say? Did you do more than hug? H told me it was exactly what he told me before, but I don't buy it. He was getting very squirmy, like he used to get before I found those letters. He swears they didn't have sex. Maybe he kissed her, but he knows he hugged her. The memory loss was really kicking in. They just told each other how hard this all was. Boo Hoo! You know what I'm thinking or wondering? Was a plan maybe discussed? He swears no, but why read a D book? He would not D me if she wasn't waiting in the wings. I know him.

I'm back to not liking this man. I'm not sure how you really regain trust after this. If I knew he was really giving us his all. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I could handle the crummy withdrawal, but don't screw with me by reading a D book.

Christy, this H of mine is sabatoging us, and he is a [censored]. Ditto on both. What answer did you get?

Thanks all! I'm going to talk to the JA now. Maybe I'll be crying on here in an hour. Maybe laughing~ Who knows? CV

i still don't understand what the D book was really about? not clear from your posts. have you actually read the book? was a plan on how to get a D from an unwilling spouse? or was it just about the anatomy of a D?

bottomline, you should not be having any expectactions from your H. if your goal is still that the M will be remarried then you need to do what is needed to make this happen (don't LB, paint a good picture of yourself, etc.) prayers to you.

The same day I had posted on this thread, I had just posted on anthoer thread, saying I was worried about you, are you ok. Then I hit refresh, and walla, your PISSED off thread here.

So I got my answer to how you were doing at the moment.

So what was the closure on this (ha-ha...closure... as if).

Ok, here's the update on the D book. I told H that night that we needed to talk that night or in the morning. So we talked that night. I told him I found the book and basically don't screw with my head. He claims that his shrink several months ago gave him that book when he told the shrink everyone is telling him how bad As end up. He wanted a balanced perspective. H claims he read part of the book, didn't like it, and has been carrying it around in his briefcase. He just put it in the safe because he didn't want to put it on his bookshelf. I think I believe him. He told me if he wanted to hide it from me he wouldn't put it in his safe. Good point!

A strange thing has happened to me since that night. H's withdrawal is very evident and I am just sick of this whole thing. The day after our talk he told me I was very calm and he thought I was going to dump him. I have been thinking about that a lot. A part of me wishes he would have just left in the beginning of all this. That way all the pain is in one big clump. This waiting to see if he will actually get through withdrawal is tortuous. And knowing this is all about the witch that set out to break up our family, that causes me to feel even more disappointed in him.

I'm just not good at MB. Where in this program do we BSs get to deal with our pain? I'll have to ask Steve Harley. The impression he gave h and I, which H loves, is you deal with it once and then it's over. Sorry, that ain't going to work for me. This pain isn't going to go away in several conversations about the A.

Roughroad, I don't know what I want any more. What I want is to go back in time and have my H support me during a very difficult time in my life. To not have abandoned me for the OW. That's a nice fantasy! I've had hope we could recover from this, but I just don't know. Maybe there's a reason adultery is a justification to end a marriage.

Christy, don't you love my pissed off posts? Thanks for worrying about me. I'm just feeling extra down tonight. Wondering if I should exit the roller coaster. Hopefully tomorrow I will get back on and continue riding the ride.

Thanks all! CV

CV,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm just not good at MB. Where in this program do we BSs get to deal with our pain? I'll have to ask Steve Harley. The impression he gave h and I, which H loves, is you deal with it once and then it's over. Sorry, that ain't going to work for me. This pain isn't going to go away in several conversations about the A. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hang in there. I too have trouble dealing with the pain. Though it gets less the further along we get. There are still too many triggers that bring it right back. I don't remember reading anything in any of the books or websites that talk about dealing with that. There have been threads here in the discussion boards, but nothing definitively that helps.

Tonight, I was reading letters that my W had given me 22 years ago, back when we were courting, and she wrote "that I could never love anyone other than you" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and other passages similar to that. Then I came downstairs and she asked whats wrong. I could have lied and said nothing, but I told her. Of course that brought her down too. Guess I'm going to stop reading the old letters.

Good luck and God Bless!

Recovering H, thanks for your reply. I took a break from writing on here, so that's why I was slow to respond back.

Other books talk more about recovering from the pain. I feel like I need to go back and look at some of the ones I got at the beginning of this nightmare. I have read that what we experienced is post traumatic stress. So when we are triggered the pain just comes back in full force. My H really wants to make love with me again. We've done other things, but I just haven't been able to go there and take that step with him. He read on here that Steve Harley just gave the advice to "do it". For some reason the thought of "doing it" just triggers the images of them "doing it". Did I ask to feel this way? NO! I never had a problem with sex before. These As effect us on so many levels. I wonder if reading those letters caused you to wonder, what's real and what isn't? It's like Alice in Wonderland falling down that hole and being in a different world.

Thanks for the support. If I find anything on healing I'll let you know! CV