I want to give the following extraction from the book “Toxic parents” written by the therapist, Dr. Susan Forward. This book was written for people who have survived all forms of childhood abuse, but I think the following on forgiveness can be applicable on all people/situations and infidelity as well. I have change some words e.g. “parent” to “someone” or “parents” to “people” to make it more general and applicable for all people and situations:

THE TRAP OF FORGIVENESS

Most of us have been led to believe that forgiveness is the first step toward healing. There are many experts in the various help professions who sincerely believe that forgiveness is not only the first step but often the only step necessary for inner peace. I disagree completely.

I took a long, hard look at the concept of forgiveness. I began to wonder if it could actually impede progress rather than enhance it.

I came to realize that there are two facets to forgiveness: giving up the need for revenge, and absolving the guilty party of responsibility. I didn’t have much trouble accepting the idea that people have to let go for the need to get even. Revenge is a very normal but negative motivation. It bogs you down in obsessive fantasies about striking back to get satisfaction; it creates a lot of frustration and unhappiness; it works against your emotional well-being. Letting go of your need for revenge is difficult, but it is clearly a healthy step.

But the other facet of forgiveness was not as clear-cut. I felt there was something wrong with unquestioningly absolving someone of this rightful responsibility. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this absolution was really another form of denial: “If I forgive you, we can pretend that what happened wasn’t so terrible.” I came to realize that this aspect of forgiveness was actually preventing a lot of people from getting on with their lives.

One of the most dangerous things about forgiveness is that it undercuts your ability to let go of your pent-up emotions. How can you acknowledge your anger against someone whom you’ve already forgiven? Responsibility can go only one of two places: outward, onto the people who have hurt you, or inward, into yourself. Someone’s got to be responsible.

I also noticed that many clients rushed to forgiveness to avoid much of the painful work of therapy. They believed that by forgiving they could find a shortcut to feeling better. A handful of them “forgave,”, left therapy, and wound up sinking even deeper into depression or anxiety.

Several of these clients clung to their fantasies: “All I have to do is forgive and I will be healed, I will have wonderful mental health, everybody is going to love everybody, we’ll hug a lot, and we’ll finally be happy.” Clients all too often discovered that the empty promise of forgiveness had merely set them up for bitter disappointment. Some of them experienced a rush of well-being, but it didn’t last because nothing had really changed in the way they felt in their family interactions.

People can forgive, but they should do it at the conclusion – not at the beginning – of their emotional housecleaning. People need to get angry about what happened to them. They need to grieve over what happened. They need to stop diminishing or discounting the damage that was done to them. Too often, “forgive and “forget” means “pretend it didn’t happen.”

I also believe that forgiveness is appropriate only when people to do something to earn it. People need to acknowledge what happened, take responsibility and show a willingness to make amends. If you unilaterally absolve someone who continues to treat you badly, who deny much of your reality and feelings, and who continue to project blame onto you, you may seriously impede the emotional work you need to do.

At this point, you may be wondering, understandably, if you will remain bitter and angry for the rest of your life. In fact, quite the opposite is true. What I have seen over the years is that emotional and mental peace comes as a result of releasing yourself from someone’s control. And that release can come only after you’ve worked through your intense feelings of outrage and grief and after you’ve put the responsibility where it belongs.

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 06:57 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

Hi Suzet,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">People can forgive, but they should do it at the conclusion – not at the beginning – of their emotional housecleaning. People need to get angry about what happened to them. They need to grieve over what happened. They need to stop diminishing or discounting the damage that was done to them. Too often, “forgive and “forget” means “pretend it didn’t happen.”

I also believe that forgiveness is appropriate only when people to do something to earn it. People need to acknowledge what happened, take responsibility and show a willingness to make amends. If you unilaterally absolve someone who continues to treat you badly, who deny much of your reality and feelings, and who continue to project blame onto you, you may seriously impede the emotional work you need to do. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read a lot on forgiveness, and yes, it seemed too quick, to easy, if you listen to some folks.

I did get to forgivness with my H, but as the the article said, at the END of my emotional journey... not the beginning. Too soon would have seemed a hollow forgivness. I didnt want anymore deceptions... it's real or nothing.

I also realized I'd never forgiven ANYONE, for anything serious. I also had Toxic Parents, but never felt the need to forgive them, I think mainly because they'd done little but deny and shift blame... they hadnt earned it. I no longer have stored anger for my parents, more a sad pity for these wreched people. But my H did the work, accepted his mistakes, learned from them, and became a better person. At that point, I had to admit that I didnt have a reason NOT to forgive him.

Thanks for the post - Dru

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 05:12 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

Dru,

I understand what you’re saying… With my toxic father I was lucky in the sense that after I have honestly and openly explained to him what his actions did to me and the harm & pain he have caused, he haven’t denied anything, but was willing to talk about, shown remorse and repentance and seek my forgiveness… I was able to forgive him right away because at that stage I was nearly at the end of my IC sessions and have already worked through all the stages of grief, anger etc. I’ve confronted my father and mentioned all those things to him after 29 years of silence because I wasn’t able to live with the burden of not being able to forgive him any longer... I always felt very guilty about my unforgivingness and this was also influencing my spiritual and emotional life very negatively. Before I confronted my father I was always very scared to talk to him about those things, but at the end things have turned out very good and that’s the best thing I could have ever done for myself (and my father). I’m very thankful to God that he have place the right spirit in my father’s heart at the time and that I was therefore able to finally forgive and let go.

The same thing happened to me after my inappropriate friendship with OM… As a FWW I have caused my H a lot of pain and hurt. However, at the same I also struggled with my own pain…the pain and hurt the FOM caused me. I had a very hard time forgiving OM for the way he acted towards me and I couldn’t let go of my anger and bitterness towards him until I’ve send him a ‘closure’ letter (also my 2nd NC letter after he have broken the NC-rule) and let him understand exactly the pain and hurt he have caused me and my H. After I received his true remorse and repentance I could finally forgive and let go and I'm very thankful for that too.

Hi Suzet,
I remember now...you got spanked pretty hard after sending that 2nd letter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . It does sound like you are really making progress and are in a good place. Good work!

Well, my D died years ago, but denied he did anything wrong till the end. M refuses to take any responsibility for the way we were raised, so I've developed a cool, polite relationship with her, but see no real need to have her in my life. She's a pretty sad case.

I remember feeling what you call the burden of not being able to forgive her... that kinda morphed into what we have now. Not the best, but the best we can do.

I did see your other post was getting all the traffic... guess I got on the wrong boat <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Take care! -Dru

Drucilla,

I was a few days offline due to network problems at work, so that’s why I’m so late on catching up on my previous posts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I remember now...you got spanked pretty hard after sending that 2nd letter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It does sound like you are really making progress and are in a good place. Good work!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes Drucilla, I’ve made some good progress and are in a better place now emotionally and spiritually than I was before I’ve send that 2nd letter… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I’ve posted on the same thread - where I’ve received so many “spanks” - that I was still holding on to the bitterness, hurt, resentment and angriness towards OM and couldn’t let go of those self-destructive feelings until I’ve received his apology and promise not to contact me again… Those self-destructive feelings was also influencing my relationship with my Lord negatively, but after I have received remorse and repentance from him, I could finally let go, forgive and be at peace with myself. At the time my H also understood how important that was for my own spiritual well-being (to receive repentance and be able to forgive) and that it wasn’t just rationalizations to suit my own selfish needs (as most of the people has accused me off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). I've also realized that the extreme fluctuating emotions I had between residual feelings of ‘care’ towards OM and feelings of bitterness, hurt and angriness towards him, have lessen significantly some weeks after I’ve send that letter... Although I still have the anxiety and feelings of discomfort towards OM when I accidentally bump into him and although I’m not sure if I will ever be finally able to overcome some feelings of 'care' towards him , I know I’m in a better place now than before to move forward and towards the ideal state of indifference towards OM.

You know, know that I think of it - it’s just funny how everybody “jumped” on me and criticized me, but after I’ve explain the above to them and gave an update on my good progress a few weeks after I’ve send that letter, the criticizing and judgmental people was suddenly so silent and I’ve received minimum replies... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyway, I've become somewhat off-topic now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks for your reply and take care!

Suzet

<small>[ May 06, 2004, 09:08 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

Good discussion.

I do believe that forgiveness realeases the forgiver from grudges, resentment and bitterness.

That does not mean the forgiver has to put oneself in the position of letting that person continue to behave badly toward him.

However, as I read this I also believe in the reponsibility of the one who has done wrong.

But, sometimes the wrongdoer will never ask forgiveness. They may feel they deserved to take what they did or that since they didn't mean to hurt anyone or since they too were hurt or any other rationalization there's no reason to ask for forgiveness (the FOW comes to mind, I will be seeing her often now, and she believes she was the victim--though she chose her actions to have an A--not me--whose life was blown apart).

I have forgiven her, but I don't like her and have no intention of forming a relationship with her even though we will be in the same Family Support Group for our deployed husbands.

Some people may not think that is forgiveness at all.

I also want to add the following to this thread (once posted by ForeverHers):

There is only ONE way to be forgiven and it takes action on the part of the sinner, not the one sinned against. Forgive seventy times seven times applies to 1)fellow Christians, and 2)to Christians who are convicted of their sin, confess, repent, and seek forgiveness. ONLY then are we commanded by God to forgive as He forgives. He is the model in love and in forgiveness.

It is a terrible thing to be left in the wrathful hand of the living Lord, but I trust God to do what is right according to God's standards, not mine. But I do NOT forgive a person anymore than God forgives him/her. THAT action awaits, perhaps until the day he/she dies, his/her action that allows for forgiveness. Without it, there will be no forgiveness. To do less belittles the need for Christ's sacrifice on the cross. It's the old "blanket forgiveness" lie that Satan likes to use to confuse those who don't understand the fullness of God's attributes and only like to focus on the "nice ones." Evil IS evil, and there IS such a thing as "righteous anger." "Be angry, but in your anger do not sin."

The bottom line for me is that there can be NO forgiveness without confession and repentance. I "forgive" in the sense that I know a person is a heathen, controlled by the flesh and Satan, and is eternally lost unless someday he comes to accept Jesus Christ. In other words, he/she was acting as I might expect anyone to act who does not have Christ as Lord of their life. I release the anger and desire for vengence to God. I let what God may do supercede any "fleshly desire" I might have for vengence. If you want to term that "forgiveness" then I'm okay with that, but I don't forgive in the truest biblical sense of the word.

So the "forgiveness", if you will, is taking God at His word and turning the person’s fate over to God. God has not forgiven him/her and won't until such time as he/she receives Christ. Neither do I forgive him/her, I merely release the person from my mind with respect to seeking vengence and hatred.