H moved in with a friend yesterday and we talked on the phone last night. He refuses to give up the OW so I am moving to plan B. It will be hard not to talk to him. He said he worries about me being alone and worries about the soon to be born baby. He wants to be at home with me somehow but I told him he can't help me. He said I wish I could. He also said he didn't want to give me false hope. He doesn't know what will happen in the future. I don't know if I should have hope or not? I hope this time goes by fast so I can find out what is going to happen.

Where's that Plan B letter? Time to send it to him. Then lean on us at this board and your friends to get you through.

What is spouting out of his mouth is typical fog talk. Don't talk or listen to him anymore. He doesn't want to give you false hope???? After the way he has behaved, he will be lucky if YOU decide you still want him back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong> He said he worries about me being alone and worries about the soon to be born baby. He wants to be at home with me somehow but I told him he can't help me. He said I wish I could. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He worries only about his discomfort and guilt in leaving a pregnant wife. Which he should feel guilty about. But not enough to do the right thing. If he really cared, he wouldn't be with OW. So please don't think that he is worrying about anything except himself here, durham. And he wants you to assuage his guilt by allowing him to come over and do certain things with you. Don't do that for him, ok?

Please follow believer's advice and write your Plan B letter today.

He asks me if I am sleeping and eating okay. I just wander if the abscence is going to help or hurt us.

durham76 you have the same questions going through your head that I had going through mine. If I go dark on them how will WS know that I care about them? That's what the Plan B letter is for so WS knows what expectations you must have to recover your M and that your only doing this to protect the love you have for your WS so this should show your WS that you do care. If he feels guilty let him. Plan B is not just for one of you it's for both of you ok. After time you will start to feel better, if you feel the temptation to call your WS call family instead and talk to them this helped me get through the first week. I've been in Plan B for 2 weeks now and every week gets a little better. You can look to see how our Plan B is going by looking at the thread "We're in Plan B and doing fine" you can also find support there vent there or what ever. Hang in there durham, will be praying for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong> He asks me if I am sleeping and eating okay. I just wander if the abscence is going to help or hurt us. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">durham, ideally the absence will allow him to see that the OW can't possibly meet his needs and will pull him off the fence. If he has BOTH of you meeting his needs, though, the affair can go on indefinitely. Hopefully, plan B will yank him off that fence.

Durham

The Plan B letter is vital to let him know the parameters of his relationship with you and sustaining continued contact with OW. Otherwise, the version of Plan B typically practiced by a frightened, insecure spouse is likely one step from Plan D.

If only in your own mind, you have to solidify that you hold the trump card over any OW - yourself and your baby are worth having a commited monogomous husband/father. Anything less is not up for debate or consideration. Until he can offer you that level of commitment, he does not qualify for contact with you.

During Plan B he doesn't have the privilege of knowing if you are sleeping or eating; if the baby is safe, if you are well. Those assurances would only allow him the illusion that what he is doing really isn't harming anybody significantly.

Go completely dark on this one hon. Give him the letter, then resist any urge to call him with updates, or to accept his calls. If he comes over, ask him if he has ended it with the OW. Ask him for proof. Make certain that he knows he is welcomed back under only specific conditions, otherwise, you are prepared in every way to live without him for as long as it takes.

The guilt and insecurity of not knowing will cause him to lovebust OW. She in turn will lovebust him. Let him hit bottom, dear. Give it time because the next three months are incredibly significant times for him to be locked out of the "knowing" and participation.

If you don't do this all the way, absolutely committed, you will get to continue living with a man who is unstable in all his ways (read Proverbs on the double-minded man!) And it eventually will be the self-fulfilling prophesy you fear - the destruction of your marriage and family.

You have to do this for you. But also for your unborn child!!!

KaylaAndy....

you speak pearls of wisdom....

ARK

durham,

i have not posted to you much but i have followed your story. you are in good hands here, the people advising you know what they are talking about. please follow their advice.

i am posting today just to tell you i will keep you in my prayers (actually you have been there for some time). I wish you strenght to do what must be done (complete and solid plan B) and peace.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KaylaAndy:
<strong>During Plan B he doesn't have the privilege of knowing if you are sleeping or eating; if the baby is safe, if you are well. Those assurances would only allow him the illusion that what he is doing really isn't harming anybody significantly.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BINGO!! Double BINGO!!

durham - you need to change your mindset.

As long as you worry about what he's worrying about, you're assisting him in justifying what he's doing!! You're comforting him!!!!!

STOP IT!!

Where's that Plan B letter?

WAT

durham - here's a Plan B letter for you. I just modified mine, quessing what you might say in your circumstances.

Dear Husband,

My thoughts I’ve recently expressed to you to convey my love for you and my hope for our family were genuine. Much has happened recently, but even today I still love you and want a chance to repair our relationship and provide a healthy home for our baby. I have grown tremendously from these experiences and I ask you to look back over this period and see the changes for yourself. Whatever happens to us, these changes are permanent in me and I am a better person because of them and our baby will benefit from them because I will be a better Mother. I feel much better about myself as a person. I am excited about my future as a Mother. I wish for you to be together with us and to be able to see our baby and I together each day.

I know I have other improvements to make - and you can help me. In short, I can and will avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past. We have an opportunity to create a new life for the three of us that will meet all of our needs. We owe it to ourselves and to our baby to try hard. Choosing not to try may seem to be the easy way out, but it leaves the same problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones.

You may not know what I have endured because of your decision to separate and because of your relationship with [OW]. I fully realize that these things were just symptoms of pre-existing problems. But all of these problems are fixable. I have worked hard by myself on this. I still love you, but now I find that it is just too painful for me to continue by myself. Seeing and talking to you is just a constant reminder of the pain that I feel. It is not healthy for either me or the baby. I just cannot see or talk to you and try to be your friend under these conditions any longer - until you are ready to put this behind us permanently and are willing to try to rebuild our family. Simply put, I am now separating from you in order to protect myself from the stresses and from further pain and to protect my love for you until you are ready to commit to rebuilding our family. I understand that you may have your own pain and that I may be the source of your pain, but these things are fixable if we are willing to try.

Very simply, please decide on continuing your relationship with OW or having a family with me and the baby. Please make a choice, one or the other.

Until you decide, please only initiate communication with me that is absolutely necessary and then only via e-mail or voice mail. Do not call me to see how I’m doing or to inquire about the baby. In case of an emergency, contact [provide contact name]. I realize contact to resolve financial issues may be unavoidable from time to time, but I will minimize this and I ask you to do the same.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way for the benefit of me and the baby, but I’d much rather rebuild our relationship. The baby and I are the two people who together can help you become happy for the rest of your life. We are a permanent reality, here for the long haul, and we have a lot of good memories for the foundation of a family. Similarly, you can make the two of us very, very happy. I will support any need you have in a non-judgmental way when or if you decide to recommit to our marriage. You can come to me in safety, knowing I will embrace you. Even if you’re not sure, I will understand and provide empathy.

As soon as you are willing to commit to working to save our marriage, I will be willing to talk about our future, and the future of our family. We can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then, there will never be a need for us to separate again. I have communicated with many other couples who have achieved this and ended up with better relationships than before. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend and as the best father for our baby you can be.

I love you,
durham

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

^

durham??