SadMarylandLady,
I think timelines are all going to be different, depending on how intense the EA is, whether the BS knows, whether the WS has asked for NC, how much the WS still feels for the BS... for what it's worth, here's what I've experienced in my own life.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For any of you that have been involved in a EA ... How long did it take to stop contact?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H had an intense EA with an old flame and was completely torn. He told me he wanted to stay married to me but after contacting her he woke up and looked at me and thought "****! What am I doing? I was already married (to OW)!" He very much wanted a complete and independent life with each of us and for a while it was all he could do NOT to abandon me and go to her, but for some reason he never did. He told me about his EA 3 weeks into it so I knew what was going on.
He refused NC before I even requested it and told me if I asked him to give her up, he'd walk. In retrospect I should have asked for NC anyway but I was too frightened to back then. It took a little over 3 months to cease intense "in-love" contact. I don't know when casual contact initiated by my H ceased (I'd guess about 4 months? but maybe much longer), but he finally wrote a NC letter to her about a year after the A started because she kept contacting him. Anonymous cards in our mailbox, a couple of messages on our ans. machine. It's been 16 months since his NC request and though she disappeared for a while she made several hangup calls last month and this month (we see callerid and don't answer, she doesn't leave a message). She no longer emails or pages him and he's changed his IM userid.
I had a short EA about a year and a half after my H's. I saw the warning signs but thought I could handle things before they got too far. I never wanted to leave my H for OM. I waited too long and let the friendship become too important in my life. It's hard to say how long it took to cease contact because we were co-workers and friends for over two years before our friendship headed into EA land. I'd say the EA was 2 weeks to 2 months long. It's kind of hard to pinpoint because there were never any gifts sent, no "I Love You" exchanges... he just got to be too much on my mind and I got to wanting something physical from him. The transition from co-worker to friend to EA was very gradual.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What made you stop contact? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H stopped contact because OP started pushing him to leave me and started bad-talking me. Her ugly remarks just made him want to protect me! I'd caution any BS to NEVER say anything bad about OP. It just makes the WS want to protect the OP. Luckily, in my situation, I bit my tongue, she didn't, and H jumped to my defense.
I stopped contact because I'd been a BS and when I started thinking about OM in a better light than H, I knew it had to stop. It helped because OM knew it too. Neither of us liked where the friendship was going, despite how good the "rush" of infatuation was. It was a mutually agreed-upon NC. I told my H about the EA the same day NC began. I broke NC once about a month later with a phone call. NC for over 5 months now.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And did you find the love for your BS again after the fog lifted?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES!! But it is a very slow process and both parties have to work very hard at moving past the hurts of the EA. Once a reasonable degree of trust and commitment to the M is restored, there is a lot more work to be done to fix the M to what it *should* be, and not fall back into the old habits that existed before the EA.
Right now my H and I are very much still in the "hard work" of recovery. Our recovery is going to be long because we've agreed to take it slow and have lots of fun times while we examine our M. We've also agreed not to let the fun times make us think everything is hunky-dory and let that be an excuse to quit working on the M. In all honesty, my H would be thrilled to quit all this M talk but after doing that once (which definitely contributed to my EA) I'm not willing to do it again. We fix it or it's not worth my involvement. So I take it slow and don't "torture" my H with M talk -- but I don't drop it, either.
I can say in total honesty that although we don't yet have the M we are capable of having, we are SO MUCH better off than we were before all this mess. We have learned how fragile an M is, and that it needs constant care and vigilance. We have learned that what "feels" like love to one of us doesn't "feel" like love to the other, so we must address the other person's ENs (and speak to them in a love language they recognize and understand). We have learned that although it's not fun to bring up the "bad stuff" in an M there is no way it will get fixed unless we do, and that the longer it lies ignored the worse it festers and grows between us. We have learned to hear the "bad stuff" without love busting. We have learned that the other doesn't live in our heads so doesn't always "get" what we're saying - we have to make our statement and then actively listen to their replies and ensure we're understood. If not, we're responsible for clarifying.
Sorry this got so long!
