Well just when you think things can't get any worse. As background I found out about WW's A 2/17/04 from OM. WW filed for D and moved out for three days in early March taking the money from my business account to pre-pay for her condo, came back, sent NC letter and stopped D but OM WILL NOT give up to the point of stocking her, us getting a protective order which my W violated, then a no contact order from the court which OM violated and he was sent to jail.

W and I had been doing well W says she loves me made big mistake and always wants us to be together. She's starting to buy into the MB concept and things were good in general between us. However, each time OM would make contact it would upset her and she is now on two different meds and I'm not sure if she's better or just doesn't care cause she's numb. In addition to the meds she is drinking nightly. Funny thing is pre-A she was a tea totaler. Anyway that pretty much brings us up to Monday of this week.

We had been told by county attorny that OM would be in jail until end of May and then only get out pending a mental evaluation and would probably just go directly to mental insitution and be ordered to leave the state we live in. Well Monday she calls W and says change of plans he's going to court tomorrow and plead guilty to everything. W is thrilled and insists that we go to court. I tell her I think it is a bad idea but she says she will go with or without me. I say fine I will be there for you.

Monday night there is a big drug bust of some of OM's former friends. Tues. his 3 felony and two misdamenor charges were reduced to 1 misdameanor and he walked out of the court with a suspended sentence and he is required to NOT leave our state.

But here's the best part. When I went in to tell my boss that I was taking the afternoon off to take care of some personal business he says hey could we talk to you a second. I say sure, we go into a conference room and he pulls a letter out of a folder says we aren't happy with the direction you've been going, this guy is really old fashioned and does not believe in D he literally will not hire someone if they have more then one D, I took it that that is what he was referring to as I already have one on the books and I was served with the papers at my job, he hands me the letter and it says that they are giving me 30 days notice that my employment contract is being terminated. That's it, no discussion, no nothing. I get home tell W, she busts out crying and says I am so sorry you got fired because of me. She knew how the guy was.

So I'm now unemployed, OM has just been let out of jail and my wife has been acting funny. Tuesday was my mother's birthday, I have our kids 11,4,3 with me, W says to meet her at her office between 3:00 and 4: and we'll go see my mom. About 3:15 we show up but no W. We look everywhere for her and she finally shows up and says she has been at the cemetary visiting our dead sons grave. I say that's weird in the middle of the day, besides isn't that where you said OM used to come to see you and leave you notes? She says no, well she had. Trust me I remember because I could not believe she would stoop so low as to met him at our son's grave. Anyway I'm now mad and I'm doing my best not to LB so I tell her I'm not in the mood to go to my mother's and I leave and drive directly to the cemetary. Guess who's there? OM of course. My 11 year old that is still with me says well I guess we know why mommy wasn't at her office. I'm furious!!! I go back to her office and tell her who I saw and she gets a serious attitude and I start LBing big time. She wants to argue but I tell her nothing good can come of what will be said and I leave. She comes home an hour or so later and I say look if what it appeared was going on wasn't I apoligize but can't you see it from my point of view? She says I guess but I don't deserve this. I say fine I just need to leave you alone I'm going to leave for awhile. She says "I'm just sick of your attitude".

Folks, I hate to break the news to you but having your W have an A, losing your job, and finding OM at your son's grave will give you a MAJOR ATTITUDE!!

Yes I said a thing or two I wish I could take back but nothing major and yes that was wrong but damn, under the circumstances I think I'm doing great. When I got up this a.m. she still had a major attitude.

Heck I'm never going to be perfect so if that's the expectation maybe I should just give up now and stop wasting my time.

Mr. E.

i don't know what to say except to let you know you have been heard. the things your W is doing is terrible, you have every right to have a attitude. i am sorry for your pain.

Mr. E,

As you can see I've been around here awhile, but I don't post much. Your story touched me...

I'm not a very religious person, but I do consider myself very spiritual. Do you believe in a higher power? If so, I think it's time to talk to HIM. If not, I think it's time to rethink that position.

The cards that have been dealt to you suck. There is nothing you can do about that now. They are your cards and how you play them is your decision. Asking for some guidance in how you play those cards would be a wise thing to do. I ask for such wisdom everyday...

Try and think of what has been given to you that you cherish. Your kids? Your health? The next Job waiting for you? Things happen for a reason ya know. We just haven't been copied on the 'Reason Why Memo'.


"When life gives you more than your share of [censored], start a fertilizer company" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Gib

Wow, Mr. E! At your son's grave? That would certainly give me attitude. I got an attitude when it was a hotel that we had stayed in.

On another, more practical note, I'm not sure where you're from, but I really don't think it's legal for someone to fire you for marital situations. This sounds like a pretty serious rights issue, and at the very least, I would try to see a lawyer or legal aid. They may be required to reinstate you or to give you a decent severence package.

How honest do you think your wife is being with you? Is there a way you could feel more secure with her? Is there a way she can help this? Talk, talk, talk...

Mr E,
Your W's response is her defense mechanism kicking in my W did the same thing. She' feels guilty for the way she treated you and the kids. I thinks ome are better at rationalizing their behavior than others.

Remind me. What ere the pre-A issues at least in the eyes of your W? If it was your anger (as it was with me), recovery can be more difficult. She sees you as angry. Rationalizes and has the affair. You find out and, of course get angry. She feels justified in her behavior especially at times when the anger comes out.

It's tough but you need to be the stong one here. Channel your anger in other ways. You need to go overboard to communicate with her in a non-angry manner.

My W associated my anger with my drinking. So I quit. She was shocked to see that I was still angry with her over the A. Duh.

WS just have no idea how we feel. Even the ones who come to MB to try and learn how theie spouse feels still can't quite get it.

Just a thought.

cwmac

Ahhh that's why I love this place. I feel better already... I said better not good.

In order, FL thanks for the kind words it's not the 1st time you've been the 1st to respond just to let me know help is on the way

Gibby, I to lean towards the spiritual side of things. While I am a true believer church isn't really my bag. The day before I was fired I had told my W that as long as I knew she would always be there for me I would be fine. The next morning I thought you know I should have that same relationship with God cause who knows how long you can count on a WW so I said the following prayer. God I'm sorry I haven't turned to you sooner. Please help me and guide me in my time of trouble. Then I said, God if something bad should happen at work and I get fired, I could tell my boss had been acting funny towards me since I got the papers served, let it be a sign that we should move away. W and I had been talking about this to get away from OM. Guess you should watch out what you ask for.

Gayle, yeah it doesn't seem right huh? Unfortunetly I was an executive and worked on a contract that was renewed each year. The wording of the contract says termination can be made by either party at anytime for any reason, or no reason, as long as 30 day prior notice is given. Thus the generous 30 days I'm getting.

CWMAC, pre-A reasons for me were weird. Her only reason she has ever given me was that she had to many responsibilities and with him she could be irresponsible. She told me his main virtue was he was so dumb that it made her feel really smart and I swear I am not making this up. I told her I just think that she took a vacation from reality. Not exactly fair to and the kids but that's about it in a nutshell.

Mr E,
Based upon the preA issues, I'd say your W is feeling EXTREMELY guilty. She's the absolute opposite of what I said in my post. She has absolutely no foundation for rationalizing the affair. Her mind can't even begin to say," well it's OK because H is _______."

All affairs are escapes from reality that's what makes them so appealing.

cwmac

CWMAC, I suppose that is true. Never really thought about it like that.

Mr. E, I don't have anything to add except I have a major attitude with your W just reading your post. When I hear other people's stories on here mine doesn't look so bad. And it's not so great! I'll be sending prayers your way that whatever happens is the best for you. You deserve better than you're getting! How are your kids? Your 11 yr. old obviously knows his mom is "out there". My heart goes out to them and you! CV

Wow, what a story. You must hang in there and start sending out resumes, and find a great job, a better job.

Lean on us for support and strength. I really believe your prayers have been answered. There are going to be some changes soon.

Hi Mr E,

My children have also witnessed some of my WH's lies. They are very angry and hurt because of the way their father has lied and behaved because of his lust for the OW. It's as though him having an affair is bad enough, but then he lost even more of their respect and trust because of his foggy behavior.

I tried to explain to them that he's like an addict. And it's like saying, 'yea, I know he's an alcoholic, but why is he slurring his speech and stumbling when he tries to walk?'... BECAUSE THAT is what adultery makes you act like. And sneaking more on the side after you've promised loved ones it's over, lying to cover it up, is what an addict acts like. I also tried to explain to my kids the chemical nature of 'falling in love', that it really is like a chemical addiction. I even told them when their father promises and tries to stay away from the OW the withdrawal makes him crave her even more. And that the only way he can feel better (immediately) is to go get another fix from her.

I stresssed THAT is why adultery is so dangerous - because it influences the adulterers to hurt those they love the most and to say and do monstrous things. And it all starts out feeling like so much fun, just a tiny bit of secret pleasure that nobody needs to find out about and that the adulterers are sure they can control...

I wish I could tell you that helped my children be more understanding of their father, more willing to forgive him... But it didn't.

The WS probably does feel very ashamed. Maybe that's why they lie to sneak another fix and cover it up? I think they are very embarrassed too. And they want to pretend it's all your fault... that you're just not reacting properly (um - to their continued betrayal - their addiction isn't the problem... your unwillingness to help them cover it up is...)

Maybe your WW really feels as if she can't help herself? I bet she's afraid she can't kick her addiction once and for all. And imagine how embarassing it must be to her deep down inside that she's acting like such a love-sick fool... over an OM that she took court action to make HIM stay away from HER... but now she wants/needs to see him so badly she can't resist.
And you (and your oldest child) know she is behaving so shamefully. And (of course) it hurts you (which you then express as anger).
From her perspective, no matter what she chooses she will have to suffer a lot of pain.

It will (hopefully) eventually come down to her realizing that she will have to make the decision based on what is right, what will least hurt those she loves, and which man she can really rely on to stand by her through recovery.
Hopefully she will see that man is you.

Unfortunately, some WS's really struggle with giving up the OP. Your wife sounds like she's headed down the same path my WH took. He would make promises to us only to break them and go back to OW - literally dozens of times. Now we're all fed up with him and most of the time don't even want to ever see or talk to him again.
And no matter how the adulterers try to assure themselves otherwise, the kids DO take this as a betrayal and rejection of themselves too, not just of the BS. The longer the WS merely flirts with giving up the OP, lying to the BS and kids, going back to the OP over and over again, the more bridges they burn.

There are some practical steps she can take to help battle her addiction: AD's, IC, support groups (like this message board), books to read, spending time away from the temptation (like going on a vacation with you - with or without the kids). Is she willing to try any of those things? Even if she isn't, if you are the one offering to help her overcome her addiction and suggesting ways to ease withdrawal pains (without going back for another hit), maybe she will be able to trust you to help her through this?

And although your anger is certainly understandable, your best chance will be a loving but firm approach. Don't fall for her bait to argue. And even when you catch her having contact with OM and lying again, try to remain calm. Try telling her you realize how difficult this must be for her, how it must be scary and embarrassing to feel she can't control her desire to contact OM. Assure her you can and will help her IF/WHEN she makes a firm committment to recovery and no contact with OM.
But you can't help her until she chooses to make that committment.

If/when you go to Plan B - make sure you've done a really good Plan A for a while first.

I think my WH's ability to get me to respond emotionally - either with anger or with crying gave him even more confidence that he could get away with it a little longer. It's the calm, firm reactions that really get them worrying IMO. I've read that the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference. As long as the WS can still get an emotional reaction from the BS, they probably don't worry too much about losing us?

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 04:31 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Thank you all so much for the advice, support, and just listening. As I'm sure you all already know it helps big time.

My 11 yo and his mother have a odd relationship. He is a boy and we were always close. When his brother died he was 4 and his mother went into some dark place deep inside of herself for about two years. During that time he and I just learned to rely on each other more and more and he and his mother grew farther apart. Once she came out of her dark place she was shameful of the way she had treated him but rather than try to make it up she filled her life with our new daughter. My 11 yo is almost to good to be true and very mature and insiteful for his age. His teacher in 4th grade said he was like a little adult, but not the point of being unhealthy just that he was very worldly, I believe it the word she used. Anyway, he sees right through WW and she gets mad at him when he does and accusses us of ganging up on her. If he weren't such a good kid I fear he might hate her at this point. In her lucide moments this is one of her fears but it is not the case. He loves his mother as he should, he just doesn't agree with some her actions. I've told him it is alright to feel angry or any other way but that if something is bothering him he should address it with her. He's kind of afraid to do that but he has on a couple of occasions and it has went pretty well although he gets the same lies that I do.

MereMortal I agree when I am calm it has the best effect and I have been effective staying that way for the past month or so but this time I just couldn't hold it in. I also agree that it is an addiction. I honestly believe that she wants to stop the A with all her heart but when he attempts contact she just can't resist. She told me one time it was like he had a spell on her. I'm trying to treat this like she is sick, and she is, and if it were any other sickness I would do anything to help her get better and that's what I'm trying to do here.

Someone I believe Gibby said I should try to find the positive in this or something to that effect, well WW has always told me that I could find a silver lining in anything and the one in this is that the past two days I have spent the entire day with my 3 and 4 year olds and I think I've missed my calling. I might have to change my name to Mr. Mom E.

Thank you all again. Today is a pretty good day but I know there will be bad ones too but I always try to remind myself IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MereMortal

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think my WH's ability to get me to respond emotionally - either with anger or with crying gave him even more confidence that he oculd get away with it a little longer. It's the calm, firm reactions that really get them worrying IMO. I've read that the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference. As long as the WS can get still an emotional reaction from the BS, they probably don't worry too much about losing us?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That statement speaks volumes to me, I have thought about it the way & now seeing it in writing from someone else drives the point home. I am at the indifference point now & starting to see the slightest bit of lite through the fog.

Thanks for the confirmation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Mr. E -

Glad to hear you are feeling better today! One thing the rollercoaster taught me was that I am in control of my emotions. One day I was looking for the nearest hole to crawl into. The next I felt like I was the luckiest guy breathing... For me it is all in the way you perceive things happening in your life. I think it is one step beyond 'The Glass is Half Full' concept. I DECIDED to focus my efforts on the good part of the storm. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I wanted to address one of your comments:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm trying to treat this like she is sick, and she is, and if it were any other sickness I would do anything to help her get better and that's what I'm trying to do here. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be careful here... Her sickness is like an addiction. It can not be treated like someone with the flu. Her OM is like Alcohol to an Alcoholic. I speak from experience. I'm an Alcoholic and I an very familiar with addiction. Be firm, be fair, be consistent. But whatever you do, DON'T enable her addictive actions. Yes it is a sickness, but the sickness is fed thru bad choices. Not an unseen virus. I've been dry for almost three years because I choose not to take a drink. Your W will make her choices in time. And you really don't haev much control over her decisions.

Just keep being the best dad you can be...

Your higher power is watching you and smiling right now...

Gib

Gib, I'm right there with you. My best freind is an alcoholic and I went through it with him. That's when I really realized that alchoholism turly is a disease. I could not believe the hold it had on him even though it was ruining his life. Gosh sounds strickingly familiar. I realize that is exactly the type of disease that I am fighting with WW.

Let the games begin and always remember IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

Lmh, thank you for the kind words... the positive attitude comes and goes... there's an old Doors song "I've been down so GD long that it looks like up to me" sometimes this whole mess gets me down but not for long, as the song says pretty soon it looks like up