I was just wondering how many people here WS or BS have a history of infidelity in their family.

My WH's father had an A that resulted in a pregnancy just months after his youngest sibling was born. My WH was 10 when he found out, his father was a pastor at the time.

It seems almost too coincidental that my WH's A happened during this pregnancy. Part of my WH has always hated his father, I don't think he knows how to forgive him and WH is now afraid that if this child is a boy....his son will grow up to be just like him.

I've told my WH that a man is not defined by his mistakes as much as how he confronts and takes responsibility for his mistakes.

WH also said that he thought our marriage before the A was good. I don't really understand this, how could our marriage have been good if he had an A?

I know there are articles on this, but I was wondering what was our board's experience between family history and A's?

My mom had an affair with a married man. My father does not "know" about it to this day. The A lasted 8 years.

She claims that I am OM's bio-daughter, as are two of my siblings. If that's so, I'm the oldest of the three implicated. He died of Sudden Cardiac Disease at age 47, as did his father. So I guess I find out in three years if I'm my father's daughter or sperm donor's daughter.

My mother would not have told me anything, except that I have always had a keen memory and had walked in on them or awakened in the car (back seat asleep while they were in the front having a good time) and witnessed it while still the age of a toddler. I had remembered everything like a dream, and when I'd ask about the dreams of riding in a blue car, Mom would deny and say I had a great imagination... So as an adult I confronted her on the sexual dreams that I could remember from this early age. Evidently, I was only 18 months old at the time... I got more information than I had bargained for, because I was pretty certain about her having an affair, in spite of her trying to conceal the evidence (my memories).

Kasey's family has no history of infidelity. But there is a history of addiction and depression. And his grandmother was adopted so we have no clue as to what was lurking up that family tree!

Interesting question. I dare say that infidelity 'runs' in all families, although it's usually a secret. I know what you mean though, it's more prevalent ... or is it more exposed... in others?

My dad told me once that he had a heavy petting liason, a 'make out' session with a woman he worked with. She was married at the time, and remained married for 40 years until her death. My dad wasn't even yet dating my mom at the time, and was single. This lady ended up setting my dad up with her sister! The sister married my dad, and is my mother. My dad didn't get along at all with this sister, so I'm surprised about their early year liason, although one could blame it on youth ( in their early twenties then) and probably a few stiff drinks. I've never breathed a word of it to anyone in my family. My aunt's daughter asked me once if her mom had ever cheated. All I said was , "Not that I know of." She's been dead for 10 years, so I couldn't see the point of talking about it. Why cloud her memory of her mom?

My dad also told me his own dad was a cheater. He was also an alcoholic, so it's not surprising.

I remember my own mom accusing my dad of cheating on her. You don't forget those sorts of words. I was 10, and it was his secretary. I wouldn't doubt it happened. Nothing surprises me anymore. My youngest brother was conceived when my parents were 40, ten years after the 'baby' in the family. He was born right around the time of screaming about the affair with the secretary. I just realized it now...perhaps my youngest sibling came about as an attempt to save the marriage, who knows. Whatever it was, it worked. My parents have been married over 50 years.

Another one of my aunts cheated on her husbands. It was a well known 'fact', and it was in the 1960's. Her own husband was so very odd, creepy, and unusual, that no one seemed to put her down for it. They didn't have children, although I heard the OM did.

My brother told me he cheated on his wife once, and his wife cheated on him several times. They're divorced now ,and have been for many years.

My other brother's wife cheated on my brother. I don't think my brother ever did.

In my husband's family, there are rumors that seemed quite well-formed that his dad cheated on his mom for years with a lady in their small town. His parents remained married for over 50 years before his mom passed away.

I think it happens in many families, but most people go to their grave with the secret.

H_P

This is a really relevent question for me. My FWH's father had a serious A while H was about 14-15. He got caught (car got hit while parked on the street, cops called home...), and the family was nearly destroyed. He left for a year, and then suddenly (to the kids) appeared at home one day, picking up like nothing ever happened. Except that his Mom has always been bitter and his sisters were estranged, and H said it was awful. He couldn't imagine causing that much hurt. Especially when his father got caught years later in another A. So, when my H got caught, I immediately asked him how he could do this to us when he knew how much it hurt. He was stunned, and had never considered himself like his father. He still has a problem with seeing himself as the kind of man who would sc**w around. A little insight problem, I guess. Even if the As don't run in families, it might be that a tendency to behave in a certain way about them does.

My H's mother had multiple A's. H and his brother used to come home from school and find clothes all over the living room, could hear Mom in bedroom...and Dad was still at work. They pretty much figured out what was going on.

H's Mom eventually left H's Dad, H and his brother to marry one of the guys she had an A with (H was about 12). Moved across the state to live with the guy. Went on to have 3 more children and raise them to adults (21) before she died. H's mother also ended up divorcing the 2nd husband and marrying another guy...I'm not sure if they were involved in an A, but it's likely.

H and his brother had very little to do with their Mom after she moved. Visted once a year during summer, wrote letters, phone calls, etc.

H's Dad was an alcoholic.

H ended up following in both mother's and father's footsteps. I believe his brother has also dealt with infidelity in his M.

The only thing I know of in my family is with my Mom's parents. I did not find out about this until both grandparents had passed away...in fact, I found out about it right after my Grandma's funeral.

Apparently, my Grandpa had an A with a mentally ill or slow woman that lived in town (grandparents lived on a farm) and got her pregnant TWO TIMES. My grandmother adopted both kids because the mother was unable to take care of them. I never knew. Both my aunt and uncle closely resemble my Mom and their 3 brothers and sisters so you would never suspect anything.

It breaks my heart to think of my grandma going through this...plus my Mom and her brothers/sisters. They lived in a very small farming community (population about 400) so I'm sure it was the talk of the town.

Grandparents were married over 50 years.

sss

My H's father (son of a preacher) had an affair. H's sister reminds H all the time of how much their family hurt and why would H do this now to me. I did not know about this until H's own A surfaced.

H's previous girlfriend cheated on him and H caught them. It resulted in H punching a wall and hurting his fist. They then broke up. We talked about that a lot when we were dating and how H didn't want to be cheated on again. Ironic!

On my side of the family, both my mother's brothers had affairs but stayed with their wives. When we moved near one of the uncles, my mother said jokingly: "Don't let your H hang out with uncle X or he'll have an affair too." Uncle X didn't play a part in H having an affair, but it is another ironic thing.

firefly

My WH's father apparently had numerous short A's with different women while married to his mother. When WH was 16, his father left his mother and married the current OW and they are still married.

WH's sister also divorced a few years ago because her H also left her for his OW.

WH's other sister has had two children (one stillborn) out of wedlock by two different men, but never married. She lived with a couple guys, but settling down was never in her nature.

LL

My father's 18 year affair with a married woman broke up my parents marriage in 1981 (I was 11). OW separated from her H to be with my father, this lasted a few months, she went back home to H, my parents divorced. They continued the A for another 10 years then it dried up. Mom remarried and is w/her H now since 1983. Dad is still single and has the most ****ed up sex life imaginable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This is a much-contemplated question for me. My FWH and two of his 7 siblings are products of a long-term affair between his widowed mother and a married man. H's father died when H was 6 years old, so he has very few memories of him.

I read an article once about a study to determine if certain behaviors are genetically hard-wired. It followed sons of violent criminals who never knew their fathers. A significant number of them followed in their fathers' footsteps, even though there was no apparent "environmental" disposition toward violence or criminal behavior. Interesting. Scary. --_DT

Very sad to think about...

H's F had an A...H was very angry about this and has questioned why his M ever stayed w/ F (other issues in their M also).

My parent's divorced due to F's A. My sister's H is a sex addict...they are now divorced. My other S is not M but has had 2 long term live in relationships...both men cheated. My H had an A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Looks like the women in my family can't get break...statistics just aren't in anyone's favor <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

FWS suspected his dad of having A's throughout his parents' M, but he has no evidence. They might have been EAs. However, an A came to light a couple of years ago. We didn't know the details until FWS' A. His mom was so helpful to me during my Plan A. She was about the only person I could talk to at the time and they've both been very supportive of our recovery.

Very interesting topic... My biological father left my mother when I was born cause he didn't want another kid, I have a siter 10 years older than I, of course at the time of my birth he was shacked up with another women three states away. As I got older I found out that I had several 1/2 sibs.

But since I am the FS here what I think is more interesting is that WW's mother had an A at almost the exact same age as my W. She confided in my W at the time and blamed it on a mid-life crisis. When my wife starting acting weird last fall I remember on more than one occasion discussing the possibility of her going through a mid-life crisis and me saying well at least you aren't having an affair like your mother did. Boy was I blind.

Loy,
There has been infidelity in both my family and my WW family.

My father cheated on my mother not long after my younger brother was born. (also a younger sister) I was about 8 yrs old. It came out, he left, they briefly reconciled and then they divorced. My dad did NOT marry the OW, but did get married again and then cheated on his 2nd wife Too. However, he did marry his 2nd (?? who knows how many) OW. As he is much older now, they are still together.

He has never shown any remorse and in fact still justifies his behavior and his decisions. (He has even bragged about it, SHeesh!)
As a result non of us has much of a relationship with him. (His decisions forced us to live in near poverty for all of our childhood lives). Needless to say, there is alot of resentment from all his kids. Never heard any type of apology, which is something that I've wanted for so long.

Next, my wifes father had an affair on his BW when my wife was about 2. They were seperated by distance at the time (he was in the Air force). He wanted a D, but in those days you needed cause to get one and my mother in law would not give it too him. Instead, they have stayed married for over 30+ yrs. However, it is a loveless marriage and my mother in law makes his life just as miserable as she can (and everyone else as well) and has NEVER forgiven or forgotten.


As a result of these event, my WW knew that I was not willing to go through either one of these situations in married life.

This is where my wifes infidelity is so hurtful and *SO* unbelievable. We grew up together, her brother was my best friend. So we know each others pasts first hand. We discussed many times that we neither wanted to cause our families the pain we have both experienced first hand, because of our parents infidelity. And yet, she still runs off and does it. Too me that is even MORE selfish then someone who really had no idea the impact of what they were doing.... Until it was too late.

Our "deal" was that if we ever wanted to be with someone else (Or just didn't love the other one any more) we would do the right thing, and leave the other one first . Just proves she's been lying for a long time.

My WW already went through this as a child. She knew of the emotional and historical toll my dad's affair has had on my life. Why would she choose to put her own children and me through this, with the FULL KNOWLEDGE of how this would devistate us all (on many levels).

Her doing this too me, feels like I am that same helpless and powerless little kid all over again. (I know intellectually that I'm not, but still feels like it emotionally). And this is something I promised myself long, long ago that I would never let myself go through again. (and if it did happen, then there could be only one recourse). IN reality my WW wants me to betray myself. Unlike her, I am honorable. So how can I do that to myself?

Fortunately (or unfortunately), I'm still here & still trying. However, this "war" within myself is tearing me apart. I have read the books, had the discussions and think that I understand the how and whys of her A. But that doesn't reconcile the promise I made to that little boy so long ago that I will not (and in fact Can NOT) accept this in my life. It is just something that is just too ingrained and too basic.

Makes me wonder why in the world (other then my girls) I would even want to fight to stay with someone who is capable of doing this to us all.
How can some one do something so awful to those they "SAY" they love, when its already been done to them. I wonder since her parents never got a D, that she thinks it won't happen to her either?

She was warned from day one what the consequences are for having an A are. (As I was from her as well.) Guess since I'm still here that she was correct, that there are no (or not enough) consequences, at least for those who stray.

I can handle just about anything (and have) in my life. Just never thought I'd have to go through all this Sh%*T twice in one life time!! Hoped I had paid my dues in this area as a kid. Boy was I WRONG, Wrong, wrong.

My F had numerous A throughout his marriage to my M. M passed away 10 yrs ago at 47, F lives with guilt, never having a chance to make it up to her, feels bad that I'll carry the same scar since my H had an A as well.

H is a RESULT of an A. MIL never married. H F had many A and fathered many children.

H raised by single mother.

ugh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />