I am trying to get over my H's A. Since Dday, I have worked on finding me and deciding if I wanted him. I found that I love him very much and realize we had major issues in our marriage. For a year, I have worked on me and fighting like hell to keep him. I looked at what he fell in love with and found that I still was that person, but with a lot of baggage that got in the way.
My H is currently deep in the FOG. He has read some postings on here and I think is beginning to see some things differently. I see him making changes towards me and wanting to try, but i am scared and confused. We have communicated more lately than we have done in years and I am seeing my old friend, the guy I truely love. This honesty thing is tough. Sometimes the truth hurts so much, but I am growing from it. H just doesn't seem to understand that I need to hear the truth, but at the same time it's confusing me. H says things about the OW and I can still see major confusion. This indision on who he should be with makes trying for me very hard. H says he wants to try again, but can't seem to get OW completely out of his life. After one day, he contacted her. They work together and he used a work excuse, but I could see straight through it. H has tried twice in the past and both times ended up contacting OW. I have him wanting to work at it, exactly what I wanted and yet I can't seem to jump in with both feet and give it the 150% it deserves. The reason is not lack of love or not knowing if it is right, I am just scared because this is it for me. I am soooo afraid of getting hurt that I find myself purposely building walls or doing things that I know will irritate him. H has said somethings like sex just being sex without love with me(I never saw that) and how we were just content doing our own things in the marriage, but not being happy. And how he saw how things should and could be with OW. H says these things and yet he wants to try. i also fell apart majorly and I know he felt guilty. I also know that he has guilt over quitting for our daughter's sake. How do you know when H is coming back for the right reasons? If they aren't there, then aren't I setting myself up yet again for rejection? And I have read a lot about A on here and most agree that feelings for OW aren't the love ones that he thinks they are. Is that true?? She was basicly his other wife for months and i know that he believes he loves her, probably more than me. I just shake inside and am falling apart. How do I know when to quit????

Coolduck, I see several opportunities here that could help restore your marriage.

First off, realize that the affair is not over until contact ends. It might have cooled temporarily, but he will never withdraw as long as contact continues. Calling contact "business" is still contact and is just an excuse to continue an affair. That is why he is so withdrawn and indecisive.

He also may be still having relations with her, and even if he's not right now, he will in the future. Its only a matter of time.

If you bring a recovering alcoholic into a bar every night and put a cold one in front of him, he might be able to resist it for a few weeks, but he will eventually have a weak moment and take that drink. And as long as he is in the bar every day, he will continue to be obsessed with beer.

That is what is happening here. There is no hope of recovery until contact ends. Until that happens, all the Plan A's in the world won't make a dent in him.

I also see that you have been dealing with this for about a year now? That is plenty long enough for any Plan A. There comes a point when Plan A simply works against you and I think your case demonstrates that. I think you have crossed the line into enabling.

From what you have told me, I do think that your H does love you, but he is enthralled in a fantasy of the OW that is perpetuated by his continued contact. This is why recovery has not and will not take place here.

He has continued on the fence for quite some time because he is getting his needs met by 2 women. This is why Dr Harley recommends going to Plan B when the WS can't make his mind up. What man in his right mind would give that up if he doesn't have to?

And he knows he doesn't have to, so the affair continues.

And what am I suggesting here? I think you need to do much more to end this affair before it completely destroys your nerves and your marriage. I would insist on no contact if I were you and if that doesn't happen, move forward to Plan B.

Have you exposed this affair to everyone who is key in his life? Is she married?

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

WH and I have talked a lot lately and are closer now than we have been, but each day I struggle with is he keeping to NC. I hate to ask every day, because I think it is on the verge on nagging and I think that it would get on my nerves, but how do you know?? And how do you know if it ever truely ends? We tried this another time and he went for 4-5 months with nc. H said he thought of her daily, but claims nc.But then he went back to calling. When does it stop? To be honest,when we tried the first time I didn't know about sights like this and we didn't deal with any of the issues. In fact he wouldn't admit to the A, even though in my heart I knew. We are talking and seeing seperate counselors until WH can decide if he truely wants me, then i hope for marriage counseling, but I am really scared and dying a bit each day. Am I right for sitting back and riding this out for a while?

Coolduck, no, you should not be setting back and waiting for something to happen. You should ask him to absolutely end all contact and send a no contact letter. He then needs to open up his life to you, passwords, etc, so that you can learn to trust him again. He has alot of work to do to rebuild trust and these are the first steps.

But, if he is still working with her, contact HAS NOT ended.

She works in another building, but they do have the chance of running into each other. More than anything, I am afraid of the phone conversations. I can ask to check his cell phone, but not the work phone. So how do I ever truely know??? I see a lot of attempts on his side. H has been more loving towards me lately, but I can't help from being scared, because I still see confusion.

Coolduck, as long as they work together you will never know. Every time they run into each other at work puts him - and you - back to DAY ONE of recovery. That is why Harley recommends doing everything, even finding a new job or moving, to end contact. Recovery won't start until contact ends.

Well I decided to move to plan B again. The last time WH came back the next day,wanting to try. Things have been good, however I can't get him out of the FOG. H is isn't sure who he wants. I have tried to show him what is here and how much I love him, but to little avail. H has read this sight and I know is thinking. Last night H said that h is still sitting on that fence not leaning either way. H isn't sure if he can love me again. I just can't live like this any longer. Am I wrong for giving up? I do love him and I want the family to work. Our daughter adores him. How long do you give Plan B?

Coolduck, have you read the book Surviving An Affair? I would run out and get that book so you understand Plan B. What exactly do you mean by Plan B? You know that you can't live together and do Plan B, are you going to ask him to leave?

I do think Plan B is your best bet, but it's important that you understand it before you do it or it is a waste. You do Plan B until they end the affair or until you want a divorce.

Here is some reading on Plan B:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=30&t=000177

I really need help. H is being very loving and kind, better than it has been in a long time. However he can't decide if he wants me or OW. I have led him here and he is reading posts. H has also read other information. The answers are obvious to me and when I point them out he gets mad. Is this wrong on my part? I am so close to giving up and yet I see differences in him. H is still saying things like he doesn't know if he will ever love me again, but he tends to act like he does. Contact by phone and seeing at work with OW has continued on a smaller scale. Not every day according to him, but he can't seem to make the break even though I think he knows he may lose me over it. H is going to counseling this week and I'm hoping it will help. H is saying things like maybe h won't be happy with anyone. Do you think the FOG is clearing? I don't know what I should do. I asked him to move out yet again, but I haven't insisted because I don't really want to lose him, but at the same time I don't know how much longer I can do this. I feel like I have to keep the "happy look what you have and can lose" act up all the time. I am reading "Surviving an affair", but how can you survive an affair if you are the only one saying you want to try. I can't figure out actions and words. Sometimes they are the complete opposite. do I let things ride until he has had a few sessions with a counselor? Sometimes I just want it all to be over. Please advise.