Hi again,

I have a quick question i was wondering if some of you on here may be able to answer for me.

I semi confronted my wife about my gut feeling about this coworker/OM the other night. She of course said they were just co workers and that there had been no contact with him since i asked that she not have contact with him. She does not know that I know she has contacted him outside of work at least twice since.

She also said where would i find the time for something like that.

Then she went off on how she cant believe i would ask or even think such a thing. She said basically that all that is going on with her "mood" is all because of how I have been acting lately. Then she said perhaps she should start wondering if I am having an affair. Then tops it off with the one thing she won't stand for is me not trusting her. That a relationship is nothing without trust.

My question is i have read alot on this site that this type of thing can be a smokescreen, ie. The best defense is a good offense. I was just wondering if people here could shed a bit of light on this for me. Thanks alot.

You know she is lying about having been in contact with the OM and you know that she is accusatory on the offense with you.

Lying and affairs go hand in hand, they are not separate issues. There are few spouses who can have an affair without lying to either the BS or OP or both.

In fact, my H asked me the same exact questions: where would he find the time, how could I believe that of him.

Trust is earned. And, in the case of infidelity, the trust that is lost is not re-gained until the WS is trustWORTHY. Your W is not...even if she doesn't know that you know that.

You can keep your knowledge secret, or you can tell her. In respect to honesty, my opinion is that it is better to tell her and not go on trying to catch her.

Snooping probably has its place, but basically the WS just gets better & better at hiding actions--if the A is ongoing. You don't want to place yourself to be her jailer. If she choses to be unfaithful and lie there isn't anything you can do to change her behavior.

Whichever course you choose for now, do not lovebust. And, the other thing you can ask for is for her accountability if you do not already have some things in place, like passwords to cell & voicemail, that she calls you if she's changing her schedule, ask her if she will tell you if she has any non-work conversations.

Your wife’s actions are classic responses by someone who is having an affair. From my reading on these web pages and the books about affairs, those are the stereotypical responses.

That does not mean that she is having an affair, but the one thing I have learned in all this is to trust my gut. If your gut says something is going on, and especially if you have proof she is continuing to lie, then trust your gut. I would disagree about the advice given above about being honest. My wife had had a series of affairs about eight to ten years ago. Then recently she started having more affairs. I discovered the more recent ones and tried to get her to tell the truth. In confronting her I never told her was I know, just that I know she was lying. She was caught up in the fog and her lying and did not tell all the truth. The only way I found out about all (as she now claims) the truth was by not letting her know what I knew so that she was unable to keep lying without getting caught.

My experience, and it may only be my experience, is that my wife kept on trying to hide the extent of her lies and betrayals and only started to tell the truth when she felt trapped and had no other option. However, your experiences may be different, but, if your wife is having an affair now, she has already lied and already tried to shift the blame and is caught up in the fog.

This may seem sneaky but I would not disclose your source of information to your W at this point. If she knows how you are tracking her she may never use that method again and you'll have not way of tracking.

She may not break until you confront her with actual proof of the A.

I strongly believe she is still in contact with the OM more then you think she is. Do you have spyware on your home computer?

Hi August and Heroswife,

thank you both for your replies. Unfortunantly as much as i keep hoping otherwise my damn gut keeps telling me that what you are both saying is most likely true.

As to the spyware question you pose Heroswife I do have access to such but hesitate to use it.

The reasons for the hesitation are two fold. First I still feel really bad about snooping/spying/gathering information. I guess i still want to believe my gut is wrong and if it is wrong then I will feel terrible about snooping.

The second reason is I am not sure how much i would find if i used it. My wife works with this person so she has ample time to be in contact without using the computer. Plus i think my original discussion about all this may have caused them to be more carefull since i have checked the cell phone a couple more times recently and there are no more calls to his number.

I just soooo wish it could be as simple as asking and being told the truth whatever it is.

Thank you both again for taking the time to give me input on this situation. It is ever so greatly appreciated.

I completely understand what you are going through because it is still so fresh for me. I just received confirmation out about my wife’s 2 ½ weeks ago, so we are still in beginning stages of recovery.

Trust your gut feeling. Also pay close attention to her actions and reactions. There are differences (sometimes subtle) that only you may notice, but they will be there. Look into her eyes; you will see if she is not telling the truth - the eyes truly are the window to the soul. She will lie, lie, lie... expect that at every turn. My gut kept telling me that my wife was having an affair, but I had no proof and then I started noticing behavior changes. It took two months, but I finally found proof and confronted her about it. She confessed and we are now in MC (I highly recommend it) and working through this situation.

When you do confront her, do not be hostile, you can be upset but you have to remain under control. Create an environment that she feels safe in, so she can feel free to share details and thoughts – especially the ones you won’t want to hear, but you will need to know (at least I do). Get into MC as soon as possible, maybe even before you have confirmation of the affair, she may tell you there. Read all you can here, there is a lot of good material to pour through and there are many here who will be able to offer good advice. Good luck and keep trusting those instincts!

confused, just for my own clarification, did you find something amiss about my post to you on this thread?

Confused -

You stated:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First I still feel really bad about snooping/spying/gathering information. I guess i still want to believe my gut is wrong and if it is wrong then I will feel terrible about snooping.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you want to save your M you need to step up and do everything you can right now to watch out for this activity. I would be willing to bet that if you have a home computer and she uses it ocassionally she is checking an alternate email account. She may not even take the time to respond from home. If you have spyware you can find out for sure.

You are probably right in the fact that most of their communication takes place during working hours but I'm sure she is checking emails from home as well.

Do not feel guilty about this. You are doing this to protect yourself.

Your wife's reaction to you confronting her is a mirror image of my H's reaction. I had the same gut feelings you are having now. Instead of just doubting myself I did everything I could to find out why my H was acting so strange. I pulled out all the stops. Spyware, cell phone logs, hacked into email accounts etc. I wouldn't have been looking if I hadn't had that feeling in my gut. I just knew it. I knew it I knew it I knew it. I'll never doubt myself again.

Hi Lor,

No nothing amis at all. I am sorry if i may have given that indication. I just came back onto this thread and noticed that i addressed my post back to people who posted to me to the last 2 posts but forgot to include a thank you to you too. The reason i addressed post to those 2 posts is that i had just read them right before i posted back I had read your post earlier and thus i forgot to thank you as well. I appologize for that, it seems with so much on my mind lately i have been forgetful of things quite a bit. On a side note though i did "catch" my wife last night at other mans home and confronted her with it and seem to be moving toward right direction now. I am actually going to be posting a new thread on that as soon as I am done writing to you. Again i am sorry if i made it seem like i did not totally appreciate your input because i did. YOu and all those on this board have helped me so much i cant put it into words. You were all so amazing right on with your advice and thoughts on what was going on. I thank all of you for that. I also wish all of you the best with what has brought all of you here as well. May God bless you all.