I just got this letter from WW. I have not responded yet. Please read (I know its long). I need help in responding to this....PLEASE HELP!!!


I can't even begin to know how you are feeling, although I can imagine you are becoming extremely frustrated with me...and for good reason. I know you are probably thinking I am walking around acting "indifferent" or not even caring about everything that's going on in our lives, but that couldn't be any further from the truth. What's going on in our lives is consuming my thoughts and on my mind 24-7. I don't think I've had a peaceful day in months. And, to be honest, it's getting worse for me. I'm now in an irritable, angry phase. I'm going to try to explain why.

It appears to me sometimes that you are walking around like everything is OK with us and that everything is going to be fine. Bob, it's not OK...we have serious issues we're facing. I violated our marriage and the vows we took and the simple fact that you are willing to forgive me so quickly is mind-boggling to me. I know your newfound faith is playing a large part with that, but I think eventually you are going to need to actually face this head-on and go through an angry phase and deal with it too. You can't just hide behind your faith assuming everything is out in the open and now we can work this out. I know you want to believe evertyhing will be OK, but have you really even begun to ask yourself and/or me...why this happened? I know communication isn't one of my strong points, but I believe some of this lack of communication (at least on my part), is that I'm the one who cheated on you...I don't know how to approach the conversationt. But, it's your issue too and you have a right to ask about it. Why haven't you? When you ask me lately "how are you" and I say "in a funk" or "not wonderful"...why dont' you ever pursue the issue? Is it because you are scared what I have to say? It's not all my responsibility to talk things through. Or, you just say "your're OK". NO I"M NOT OK!!! I have a ton of issues that I'm trying to deal with and it's overwhelming me.

I'm dealing with the fact that I may not love my husband anymore. I'm dealing with the fact that I am considering a separation for us. I'm dealing with the fact that I cheated on you emotionally/physically for 6 months and have strong feelings for that man. I'm dealing with the fact that I have 3 children involved here that could be hurt by all of this. Among the other daily things I have going on in my life. So, please don't try to tell me I'll be OK. Let me have my feelings and emotions and try to sort them out, in whatever way I know how.

I also know how hurt you are that I can't be intimate with you, let alone kiss you in Florida. You aren't the one that had an affair. For the last six months, I've allowed myself to open up my heart and soul to someone else. Just as you said God filled your void, R**** filled a void in me that has been empty for so long. It's obviously hard to just redirect the feelings to you...especially since I wasn't sharing them with you for so long prior to all of this anyway. I know that you want to know if I've talked to him...and I have been honest with you when I said yes. I also want you to know that him and I came to an agreement a couple of weeks ago that we would have no contact with each other so that we can give our marriages the full attention they deserve. And, honestly, that is a hard thing for me to do and it obviously is something that makes me sad, confused, and maybe even angry. I was emotionally attached to him and there are some feelings there that I need to try to deal with.

I'm surprised that you never questioned me on my feelings for him. Aren't you curious? You do deserve me to be honest. I know you probably think this was an impulsive thing that I did, but it wasn't. Things haven't been going great for us (me and you) for a very long time, and his marriage wasn't going so well either. We turned to each other for conversation and support and after we filled each other's emotional needs, it turned physical. Him and I have had a connection for years, and our friendship grew into something stronger. For the first time in years, I felt able to pour my heart and soul out to someone and I WANTED to do it. I was able to share things with him that I haven't been able to share with ANYONE and it came so naturally and easily, which is all the more confusing to me. Why am I able to share things with him that I couldn't share with you? These are questions I'm asking myself and trying to find answers to. I'm also confused because when I was doing these things, I didn't feel guilty.

I've never been overly open to communication with you (especially when it comes to our problems) and we both know how I am with the passion side of the relationship. Truthfully, I have thought about it and it did bother me. I think I just talked myself into believing that passion (and that doesn't just mean s e x) wasn't something I really needed in my marriage to be happy. As long as we had a friendship, didn't fight, had fun together, shared the same values for raising our children, etc. things would be OK. I know you think it's because I've built up a wall with you for not meeting my emotional needs, and that may be partly true, but it's not the sole reason. Bob, you have not been an awful husband. You are a great friend to me, a great provider, and the most remarkable father any woman could want for her children. But, I think I'm realizing that's not enough for me anymore. I want the passion, the s e x, and everything else that goes along with it. I want feelings of desire for my spouse; I want to hold hands with my husband, I want to lay on the couch with my husband and just cuddle and watch TV; I want my husband to throw me on the bed, couch, or whatever else is in the area and make love to me; I want to have intimate conversations with my husband; I want to ask my husband how his day was when he walks in from work; and I want to be the one to initiate all of this too. I know these are all feelings that are in me, but as painful as it is, for some reason, I can't allow myself to open that emotional side of myself up to you. As my counselor said, either you aren't able to get me to open up, or I won't let you. Is it because I'm not in love with you anymore or is it something else? That's what I'm also trying to figure out.

Bob, I know I said I think this is me just not being in love with you anymore, and we both need to realize this may be the case. I know that hurts for you to hear, but I need to be completely honest with you. And, if not, we need to consider how we are going to handle that going forward. You deserve far more from a spouse than what you are getting from me right now. I'm hurting you, and I don't want to do that anymore. I just don't know any other way to deal with my issues.

I'm so wrong for not dealing with this earlier in our marriage, but truthfully, I don't even know if I knew what I was feeling or not feeling, or what I needed and didn't need out of a marriage. I believe counseling is helping me in figuring out what some of my problems are with you, and also what I want individually from myself, from my husband, and in general in my life for my happiness. For the first time in my life, I'm trying to decide what makes me happy...instead of trying to please everyone else. I've always tried to "keep the peace" which is probably why you and I don't argue a lot. I avoid confrontation. And I believe you do too.

These are the feelings I'm struggling with on a daily basis. I'm also struggling with being the inflictor of pain on you, because I've shared so much with you. Regardless of whether I love you anymore, and regardless of how good/bad our marriage has been, we have a history and we've started a family. And, although I can't muster up any romantic feelings for you, I know deep down what a wonderful man you are. I could stay in this relationship, business as usual, and get by. I can focus my attention on the kids, be nice, have s e x twice a year, and die...if not satisfied, at least without huge regret. But, don't we deserve more from each other? You also said it was somewhat selfish of me to want to be happy and that marriage isn't about being happy. I disagree. It's obviously about making a commitment, raising children, planning a future, but you also have to be happy. Otherwise, what will we have when our children are grown and gone from our lives? You and I will be looking at each other wondering "what in the h e l l do we do with each other now?" Right now we have our kids to focus on and it kind of makes you not worry or pay attention to everything else that we have going on.

I know you are trying to change your ways of thinking and what you do for me to become the person you think I want. I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you are doing. Believe me...even though I don't say it...I've certainly noticed. But I feel like you are walking on eggshells with me and being overly nice to me. It's kind of making me uncomfortable. But, like I said, you need to let me deal with my emotions and feelings and let me get it all out. You can't try to change my way of thinking or pressure me into the way you are feeling.

I'm basically at a loss of where to go from here. It's been about 3 months since I told you how I've been feeling, and almost one month since you found out about the affair. I'm no further along in my decision-making process than I was. And, it's killing us even more. I'm getting further away from you emotionally and I realize I'm not the most pleasant person to be around lately. I don't like who I am at home anymore and I haven't for quite some time. I feel that I don't have many happy moments and that I'm just going through the motions. I've mentioned separation and I know you are against that because you think I will run to R****. That is not the case, whether you, your brother or your other family members believe it. I still think it would just give us both some space and time away from each other to think things through and really see if we would miss each other. We could do it, if we both agree, for a set period of time, with clear objectives in mind. Bob, I really think I need time away from you. We don't have to be completely honest with the girls. And, you could still see them every day after school.

I'm sorry I wrote this to you at work, but I wrote another letter a couple of weeks ago and have not found a good time to give it to you. I've left it in your car and in the house for you, then removed it. And I struggle to find the courage to talk to you at night. But, I think we need to make some sort of short-term arrangement here. I thought I would write because I've always been better at putting things on paper and I don't know if I could say some of this face-to-face.

We obviously need to talk and maybe we can do that tonight or over the weekend, so you have time to sort out your feelings.

Love,
***

WOW,that's a long letter.Phew.

Ok,well two things stand out for me right away.

One is that your WW is very confused and it's apparent to me that she feels being with this OM is her solution.It always amazes me that WS's think that by hopping on to the next person,that things are going to be fabulous and life won't get in the way.It ALWAYS does and she hasn't had a chance to see that yet.

Second,MARRIAGE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT.Again,all this talk about not being able to be open to you and wanting someone to laugh with,pour her heart out to and throw her on couches and beds and make love to her....fantasy.If she pulled away from you and didn't look inward on why she isn't happy then she is going to be in for a rude awakening down the road.We are back to the "I want to be happy" statements and she thinks ruining two marriages and families is a by product or collateral damage and who cares. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Listen,I don't want to suggest that your WW doesn't really have these feelings,on some level they are very important to her,even if she is in a fog or whatever,BUT she is going about her "happiness" all wrong and she doesn't see that either yet.She is misguided at best.

Are you in Plan A?

O

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Wowzaa.
At least she is givng the situation some thought.

I've mentioned separation and I know you are against that because you think I will run to R****. That is not the case, whether you, your brother or your other family members believe it.
SH eis probably NOT planning on running away to him but that is where she will end up.
Why wouldn't she? She probablywill try to stay away & "think" for a while (2-3 days?) but she'll simply decide, "what the heck?"
It's like a drug addict saying they are going to quit. Pretty easy to say it and even to want it but very difficult to actually accomplish.

I wouldn't reply to the letter.
When you get together, simply tell her you don't want a separation. Don't beg or plead with her. Don't try to "teach" her about MB stuff.
Let her know that you have been reading on relationshipsa and are learning what has happened and why.
Read the links below.

IGP,

I actually would take this letter as a good sign. She's communicating with you, she's not holding it all in.

Do you know what her most important ENs are and how she likes them met?

Why is it hard for her to summon up courage to talk to you? Have you been working very hard to eliminate LB's? Do you even know which of your LB's make the biggest withdrawals from her love bank?

She doesn't know where to turn - will she read Surviving an Affair with you? Don't present it in a way that could be perceived as you trying to educate her. Perhaps present it as a tool for you to learn where you could have done better so you'll be a better H (in this M or your next) and you need her input on what it's like to be M to you.

IGP,

When I read this I wanted to know who has been listeing in on the conversations I have had with my wife. This could have come from my wife.

First, it's good that she's aware of the pain that is being inflicted. This causes her great difficulty because she CAN'T like who she is right now. She doesn't like herself for being someone who is knowingly hurting someone else. The fact that she's not able to make a decision is a good sign.

My wife wanted to move out because she needed to think. One thing I would encourage you to take a stand on is, she must be the one to move out. You aren't engaged in an affair and you shouldn't be forced to move out. My wife moved out and it wasn't to be with the OM. In fact, she moved back in two weeks later. This was due to the fact that she missed her family. I believe that this may be what will happen in your situation as well.

Please read this letter through again. Take a highlighter and mark the passages that deal with her emotions. In these passages you will find the key to winning her back! You need to show her that you are a man with an emotional side too. She wants to know you're angry, sad, or depressed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It appears to me sometimes that you are walking around like everything is OK with us and that everything is going to be fine. Bob, it's not OK...we have serious issues we're facing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me translate this:

I can't be married to someone who is going to continue to ignore issues that are important to me. So important that I will risk everything that I hold dear to have my emotional needs met.

Hopefully you are getting in touch with your emotions. Let her know what you are feeling. The OM was willing to express all of the things that were wrong at home to your wife. He showed that he was in touch with his emotions. Women need to know that they can have an emotional bond with their husbands. Share your fears, hopes, anger and any other feelings with her WITHOUT LB's.

IMHO, this letter is calling you out! The real you with all of your feelings. Let her know that you are sensitive to the real issues. Yes, you want to work on them, but they must be discussed and then worked on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also want you to know that him and I came to an agreement a couple of weeks ago that we would have no contact with each other so that we can give our marriages the full attention they deserve. And, honestly, that is a hard thing for me to do and it obviously is something that makes me sad, confused, and maybe even angry. I was emotionally attached to him and there are some feelings there that I need to try to deal with.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You've been given a window of opportunity. Seize this moment with a furious and as perfect as possible Plan A. Don't waste this time. Talk and talk until you share your HEART. Make sure you listen and let her say everything she needs to say. I would encourage you to ask questions about what she's saying. Don't tell her how she's thinking is wrong. Believe me, she knows what she's thinking is wrong. If she didn't, she would be gone by now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want the passion, the s e x, and everything else that goes along with it. I want feelings of desire for my spouse; I want to hold hands with my husband, I want to lay on the couch with my husband and just cuddle and watch TV; I want my husband to throw me on the bed, couch, or whatever else is in the area and make love to me; I want to have intimate conversations with my husband; I want to ask my husband how his day was when he walks in from work; and I want to be the one to initiate all of this too. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the key to her heart. She wants what you want. She has given you what you need to know to be succesful.

I better stop because this post is getting long.

Lastly, pray and ask God for his wisdom. He will give it to you and that's more than a hundred of us could say to you here.

Titleist

Bumping myself....

Bumping myself....
Why?
No comments on what we wrote?

Are you gonna respond to any of the last dozen or so posts you started (many the same topic, just different forums)?

Man, this letter is a gold mine.

Wish I had gotten a tenth of that info.

You'd better act on this. Don't write her back, thank her for her heartfelt epressions and DO SOMETHING!!!!

She's practically BEGGING for you to win her back and she's telling you how!!

It doesn't matter that she also has a fair share of foglatin included.

This is a tremendous opportunity.

Don't squander it.

I don't think you should be expected to move out. She had the affair. She's the one who wants to change the family set-up.

I think she really loves you but is blinded with passion for the OM. The OM has gone back to his family to sort things out on his side and, chances are, now the affair is exposed, he'll stay put. Does the OM's wife know what's been going on?

Her fantasy world is coming to an end. She should move out and learn that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

i am a WW. i can relate to that so much, but i don't think i could of ever written it down lt alone shared it!! it was obviously hard for her, as she said it took several attempts. i agree, this is a great opportunity.

i know the part of the wanting to seperate must be very awful to read. is that what is making it hard for you???

how did YOU react as you read this note??

did that reaction change because she concluded that a seperation is in order??

if so, i would suggest that you skip hearing that part and reflect on the rest of it first. and react to it!!! bounce off your reation with us first if it will help. you cannot expect us to tell you what your reaction should be, you must of had a reaction, what is it??? we can help you take your reaction and move it into an action plan, but you have to figure out the first part.

talk to us (ideally, talk to your wife, open up to her, she is begging you to participate in some really intimate stuff!!) if you need to think outloud here some first, then by all means do it. we will listen, but we cannot give you any answer without your participation.

p.s. i wish i had your wife's guts to put herself out there like that, don't leave her hanging. i'll bet that is what she fears the most, no reaction from you. don't do that!!!

Thanks for all the wisdom, it's helped a lot. I've struggled for the right things to say to her. Hers what i've come up with. Any suggestions?? Please? Sorry its so long

D**,
Before I comment I wanted to say that I think this is an amazing letter. It is amazing because you have completely opened up and have told what is truly on your heart. This is the most intimate letter I have ever gotten from you and I know it must have been extremely difficult for you to write. This is something that you may have not been able to do in the past. This is some of the communication that our relationship has missed so desperately over the last couple of years. I know how important the words in this letter are to you so I want to address all of them.

I can't even begin to know how you are feeling.
No D**, you can’t because I haven’t shared that with you but I am going to do that now. The pain that I feel right now doesn’t have a name. Everywhere I go, it follows me, reminding me of what happened in your affair. It’s there when I sleep, it’s there when I wake up, it never goes away. I am SO devastated that the woman I love and married and had three beautiful kids with has found another man to satisfy her needs. I feel betrayed by you, that you would put my life, feelings, marriage, and daughters in the background while you pursued this. I am shattered that you weren’t able to communicate these feelings to me sooner because it may have made a difference for me. I’m scared right now D**. I am terrified at the very thought of losing you. I am scared for our girls; scared of what this affair may do to them in both the short-term and long-term. But most of all, I shiver at the thought of being without the woman I love.

What's going on in our lives is consuming my thoughts and on my mind 24-7. I don't think I've had a peaceful day in months. And, to be honest, it's getting worse for me. I'm now in an irritable, angry phase. I know the conflict and pain that you are going through, I can see it on your face. It also shows me that you have a conscience and a lot of what’s happened goes against what you believe in. It hurts me to see you like that. I know that you are a hurt woman right now and I want you to know that I want to be there to help you heal. To help the both of us heal. We can get through this together. I want you to be able to lean on me for support and know that I will always be there for you. There when you need comfort, there when you feel scared. There when your angry, there when you just need an opinion or a pair of shoes.

It appears to me sometimes that you are walking around like everything is OK with us and that everything is going to be fine. Bob, it's not OK...we have serious issues we're facing.
I am not trying to avoid what has happened. I am not trying to act like everything is okay. I know that our marriage is in jeopardy and seriously broken. I do not deny that. I haven’t been asking questions about the affair because I didn’t want you to think that I’m rubbing your face in things. I didn’t want to push you away by being too inquisitive. Yes, I do want to know why this happened but I thought I’d let you be the one to initiate conversion about it, when you were ready.


I violated our marriage and the vows we took and the simple fact that you are willing to forgive me so quickly is mind-boggling to me. This is hard for me to explain because faith does have a lot to do with it. Basically, I had to make a decision. I had to choose between being hateful, vengeful, hurtful, bitter, vendictive, verbally abusive, wanting to run and end all this pain or I could choose to forgive. The first choose does not solve our problems, it doesn’t address what the issues in our marriage are. The choice to forgive, which I have to continually make everyday and is by far the hardest thing I have EVER done, allows me to release some of my bitterness. It allows me to cut through my emotions so that I can clearly see if I really want to continue to fight for you. Without a doubt, I do.

I think eventually you are going to need to actually face this head-on and go through an angry phase and deal with it too. D**, I am facing this head-on every waking moment and I am going through an angry phase as well. You just haven’t been around me when my anger shows up, and it shows up OFTEN. I’ve had a couple of blowups but I’ve been alone when those happened. I also lift weights and jog to help me burn off some of that anger. One thing that I don’t want is to be angry in front of the girls. They don’t need to see that. My anger will continue for a long, long time I’m sure, but I will respect my right to be angry and upset, I will not avoid or cover up those feelings.

I know you want to believe everything will be OK, but have you really even begun to ask yourself and/or me...why this happened? Why haven't you? When you ask me lately "how are you" and I say "in a funk" or "not wonderful"...why don't you ever pursue the issue? Is it because you are scared what I have to say? It's not all my responsibility to talk things through.
I realize that everything may not work out the way I want it to. Yes, I have asked myself dozens of times why this happened and I do have my ideas as to why (which I will share with you). I also do want to know, in your opinion, why this has happened. It’s very important to me that you express this. I need to hear it and want you to share your story with me. I want to know everything that you have to tell me about it, as painful as it may be. Again, I haven’t been pursuing your answer to this question because I don’t want to seem like I’m pointing the finger of guilt at you. I’m just taking a step back to process things. I figured when you were willing to talk about, I’d be willing to listen.
In a way, I am scared to hear what you have to say and I don’t mind telling you that, even though it’s hard. Please know that I’m not avoiding anything, I’m just letting you go at your pace.

I have a ton of issues that I'm trying to deal with and it's overwhelming me. So, please don't try to tell me I'll be OK. Let me have my feelings and emotions and try to sort them out, in whatever way I know how. D**, I think I do know how conflicted you are right now but I want you to TALK to ME about it. I want to know what you are feeling now. What are your fears right now? What are you angry about right now? What is on your mind the last 3 months? The last 6 months? The last 7 years. When I told you that you’d be okay it’s just me trying to give you some encouragement. I would never downplay your feelings


I also know how hurt you are that I can't be intimate with you, let alone kiss you in Florida. It's obviously hard to just redirect the feelings to you...especially since I wasn't sharing them with you for so long prior to all of this anyway.
I do understand why you can’t be intimate but yes it still hurts. I understand that it’s very difficult for you to be intimate when we are so emotionally distant. To expect you to be able to just redirect your feelings was wrong, that is not the kind of person you are. I know now that for you to ever want to be intimate with me you are going to have to feel emotionally attached to me again. I truly want this attachment more then anything in the world. I crave this from you. Physical intimacy is so important but what I desire is to be connected to my wife again. I want to ask you, how can we connect emotionally again?? I want to know what you think.
I also want you to know that him and I came to an agreement a couple of weeks ago that we would have no contact with each other so that we can give our marriages the full attention they deserve. Then why aren’t we doing this?? Can you give your marriage the full attention it deserves if we are separated?? Of course not. I think that this may be why you insisted on going to Florida but there was no way we could work on the marriage with him still in the picture. Also, the pain of the affair was still too strong. What do you mean by “full attention”?? Going to marriage counseling?? Setting aside time every week so that you and I can just talk?? Trying to meet each others needs, what ever they may be?? These are things that I think would give our marriage the full attention it deserves, do you feel the same??


Honestly, no contact is a hard thing for me to do and it obviously is something that makes me sad, confused, and maybe even angry. I was emotionally attached to him and there are some feelings there that I need to try to deal with. I do understand you D**. I know that this hurts you very, very much. He has become someone that is important to you. They say that affairs are addictive. Sometimes people are addicted to the person they were involved with and sometimes they were just addicted to the feeling that person provides them. Either way, it going to take a long time for you to “get over” him. It’s almost like withdrawal. But you can only do it by never speaking or seeing him again.

I know you probably think this was an impulsive thing that I did, but it wasn't. Things haven't been going great for us (me and you) for a very long time, and his marriage wasn't going so well either . D**, I do understand how this can happen and in a way I’m not surprised. But there is never anyway to justify an affair. The minute you decide to confide in him about our problems is the minute the trouble started. It hurts me that you didn’t turn to me instead. I know it wasn’t an impulsive thing but does it matter? No it doesn’t. Just because it took months before it became physical does not justify it and never will.

For the first time in years, I felt able to pour my heart and soul out to someone and I WANTED to do it. I was able to share things with him that I haven't been able to share with ANYONE and it came so naturally and easily, which is all the more confusing to me. Why am I able to share things with him that I couldn't share with you? These are questions I'm asking myself and trying to find answers to. I'm also confused because when I was doing these things, I didn't feel guilty. The answer I believe as to why you were able to share with him and not with me is because you were not at any risk of losing anything important to yourself if he didn’t agree with you. Also, it was easy to open up to him because he was able to be sympathetic to you because the things you shared were about me, not him. He had no involvement with your sharing, so he was just able to be there for you

I think I just talked myself into believing that passion (and that doesn't just mean s e x) wasn't something I really needed in my marriage to be happy. As long as we had a friendship, didn't fight, had fun together, shared the same values for raising our children, etc. things would be OK. I did the same thing, D**. I believed that while everything wasn’t great, it was good enough and that things would eventually get better. We both know that things never get better unless you 1) realize what the problem is and 2) know how to correct the problem. I wasn’t armed with this knowledge early on. I just figured that it would get better. Now I believe we are both finally prepared for marriage. Unfortunately, it took an affair for our eyes to be opened. The good news D**, is that if we recommit, we have to tools to fix things and make them better.

I know you think it's because I've built up a wall with you for not meeting my emotional needs, and that may be partly true, but it's not the sole reason.. I think I'm realizing that's not enough for me anymore.
Yes, I do believe that you have built up a wall and I think it’s very important that we find out why. I’m sure there events in the past that caused that wall to get so high. What in your mind are those things?? Tough question but you’ve got to have some ideas. And when do you think the wall starting getting so high?? Possibly when you realized that I would fall short of being your soulmate?? I don’t know what you’re thinking and I want to. Please tell me. Our old marriage was not enough for me and it wasn’t enough for you. Our individual needs were NOT being met and we became disenchanted. But are things different now? Yes, they are.

I want the passion, the s e x, and everything else that goes along with it. I want feelings of desire for my spouse; I want to hold hands with my husband, I want to lay on the couch with my husband and just cuddle and watch TV; I want my husband to throw me on the bed, couch, or whatever else is in the area and make love to me; I want to have intimate conversations with my husband; I want to ask my husband how his day was when he walks in from work; and I want to be the one to initiate all of this too. I know these are all feelings that are in me, but as painful as it is, for some reason, I can't allow myself to open that emotional side of myself up to you. It’s funny how we both want the same exact things. This is my dream D**, to have all of these things with you. It is my deepest desire to share my life with you on all levels. I really don’t know why you can’t open that emotional side to me but I hope we can figure it out together. Yes, there is this wall and it’s keeping us from being close and intimate. I what more than anything to tear it down but I can’t without your help. We need to talk about this.

As my counselor said, either you aren't able to get me to open up, or I won't let you. Is it because I'm not in love with you anymore or is it something else? That's what I'm also trying to figure out. I can’t really answer this D** but I would say that it may be both. I may not know how to get you to open up and that may be because you haven’t told me. I also feel that yes, you will not let me in and I don’t know the reason why. I could guess and say that it’s because I’ve hurt you in the past. I could say that you are hurt because our marriage has been a big disappointment to you. You’ve said in the past that you thought I was your soulmate. That had to be very frustrating and disenchanting when I fell short of that. But if you think about it, a soulmate may be an unrealistic label to put on somebody. Everyone falls short. I think we both did. I do truly believe that you love me but I realize that may be very hard to see through all this. The fog is so thick now.


Bob, I know I said I think this is me just not being in love with you anymore, and we both need to realize this may be the case. I know that hurts for you to hear, but I need to be completely honest with you. Of course it hurts to hear something like that. It’s a dagger to my heart. But there is so much confusion and other feelings right now that you may not be able to see that you still love me. If contact with Robin resumes, you may never be able to it. It will cloud everything.

You deserve far more from a spouse than what you are getting from me right now. I'm hurting you, and I don't want to do that anymore.
I couldn’t disagree with you more. What I deserve is to be with my wife and that is what I have chosen. I don’t think it’s fair for you to tell me how I feel here, that I deserve someone else. I’m still with you because I love you more than I ever thought that a person could love another. I’m still here because I believe in US. I’m still here because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m still here because I want to be your rock and protect you. I’m still here because I will NEVER stop fighting for you and I will NEVER take the easy way out.

I'm so wrong for not dealing with this earlier in our marriage, but truthfully, I don't even know if I knew what I was feeling or not feeling, or what I needed and didn't need out of a marriage. Yes we are both at fault here. Three months ago I didn’t even now what emotional needs were. I’d never heard of the phrase “connected on an emotional level”. Neither one of us communicated the way we should have. Neither one of us knew how to take care of the emotional needs that we both craved. I’m a relationship nightmare. I never knew how to take care of a woman, and in my family that shouldn’t be too hard to see why. The positive thing here is I think both of us are closer to figuring it out. I know that I am. Look at the amazing steps you’ve taken by writing this letter. Wow.

For the first time in my life, I'm trying to decide what makes me happy...instead of trying to please everyone else. I've always tried to "keep the peace" which is probably why you and I don't argue a lot. I avoid confrontation. And I believe you do too. This statement troubles me. With me, I’m happy when I can make my wife and kids happy. That is my biggest source of joy, seeing you happy because of something I did. I also try to please everyone else and I will probably always do that, because that makes me, and I believe, most people happy.

I could stay in this relationship, business as usual, and get by. I can focus my attention on the kids, be nice, have s e x twice a year, and die...if not satisfied, at least without huge regret. But, don't we deserve more from each other? Yes we do, and we deserve to have all those things together. We deserve to go through life’s ups and downs together, you and me and our girls. I believe that we now have what we need to take the next step and repair our marriage. Would it be easier to just give up and start new?? YEP, it would, but anything worth having is never easy. That’s why I’m still here fighting for us. I know if we both committed to US, we could have everything that we’ve ever wanted out of a marriage

What will we have when our children are grown and gone from our lives? You and I will be looking at each other wondering "what in the h e l l do we do with each other now?" If we both don’t recommit to our marriage then we will never find out. I never want things to go back to the way they were. I want a new marriage with you. I want our repaired marriage to take us on an adventure so incredible that when the kids are out of our lives we’ll look back and say “Damn, that was unbelievable.....what the hell do you want to do next!!!”

I know you are trying to change your ways of thinking and what you do for me to become the person you think I want. But I feel like you are walking on eggshells with me and being overly nice to me. It's kind of making me uncomfortable. D**, I’m not trying to change my way of thinking, I HAVE changed my way of thinking. My eyes are opened to what you need and what I need in this marriage. I couldn’t say that before. I didn’t know any better. What I am doing however, is to find a better ME and I am doing this for ME. I don’t want to be some piece of clay that is molded into the person you want me to be. I want to be the strongest, most loving person I can be in this marriage. I want the same for you. As far as walking on eggshells, I guess it’s only natural to act that way when there has been so much hurt. This I believe will go away. If you think that I am being overly nice to you then you are

You can't try to change my way of thinking or pressure me into the way you are feeling. There is no pressure here D**. I would never try to make you feel the way I am feeling. How you feel about our marriage is very important and I will always respect that. I can’t make you feel a certain way, I realize that.

It's been about 3 months since I told you how I've been feeling, and almost one month since you found out about the affair. I’m no further along in my decision making process than I was. I don’t see how you can be any closer to making a decision. You have feelings for R**** and those may be clouding how you really feel for me. The only way that you can see if we can make it work is to STOP ALL CONTACT with R****. Not just for a week, or a month, but FOREVER . That may mean getting another job or quitting altogether.You have told me that if our marriage ends, it won’t be due to R****. Do you still believe this? If you do, you must never contact him again, despite any urge that may tell you otherwise. This is the only way to give our marriage the effort it deserves. Any other way and the affair continues, whether it’s physical or not.


I've mentioned separation and I know you are against that because you think I will run to R****. I still think it would just give us both some space and time away from each other to think things through and really see if we would miss each other. I want you to know that I am completely against any kind of separation. I want for us to keep on communicating, I want to be able to understand you and how you are feeling. I want to be able to express my fears and concerns with you as well, but to do that, we both need to be around. We cannot rebuild if one of us is not around. I know that I can not make you stay if a separation is what you really want. However, I will not be the one to move out and I will not leave the girls.
I pray D** that you stay so that we can really work out our problems together. Leaving to see if you miss me doesn’t help us work the problems that we have TOGETHER in this marriage. I would break my heart to see you leave, please stay and fight for our marriage with me

We could do it, if we both agree, for a set period of time, with clear objectives in mind. Bob, I really think I need time away from you. Again D**, if this is something that you insist on, then you have to be the one to move out. I believe that it’s a lot harder for you to think about your feelings if you were home taking care of the kids and getting caught up in their daily lives. I do not want you to go, I love you and see so many positives for us if we recommit and try to work out our problems. Please stay.

I struggle to find the courage to talk to you at night . Know that it is always safe to come and talk to me about anything. I will always be here for you if you ever want to just talk. I will always listen to what you have to say. I love you

D**, I just wanted to tell you some things. It would have been so easy to just go and write this off as a very painful learning experience but I stayed.. I stayed because I love you and I am committed to you and our marriage. I don’t want our old marriage, I want a new, fulfilling marriage that we can both enjoy and grow in. I stayed because I want to protect you and take care of you. I want to be your rock that you can always count on. I stayed because I want to grow old with you and someday play with our grandkids together. I stayed because you are the most incredible woman I have ever met. I stayed because my life would be nothing without you by my side. I stayed because YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR. I stayed because I will never take the easy way out. I stayed because I believe in US and always will.

Love Bob

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BH 36 (me)
WW 38
Married Aug 1997
Says she doesn't love me anymore Feb 14th, 2004
DDAY Mar 20th, 2004
3 Girls (5, 3, 9 mnths-Developmentally delayed)

IGP,

I think for the most part you have done a good job responding to her. I do think she may need to understand that you have undertaken a major effort to educate yourself via books and other resources. It was NOT you just waking up and realizing "I knew that but didn't do that." You have alluded to it.

I think you need to make sure you have removed any disrespectuf judgements, DJ's. And finally, I think you should close with a paragraph that is NOT an answer to her questions, but that embodies your thoughts, your hopes, and your thinking. You have mentioned it your answers all of it. But, I think you need to acknowledge her need to talk and tell you things explicitly. I think you need to express a willingness to ask her questions IF she understands that you will get emotional and if she will. I also think you need to express that you have many uncertainties about yourself, perhaps more than about her, but want to challenge yourself and learn.

Do you see what I mean?? She needs you to probe because it hurts her and she is afraid to start this. But, she needs to agree to protect you by being honest and accepting your feelings whatever they are. You have been protecting her from your anger, and your pain. If she wants to see it then she needs to agree to understand what she is seeing. It is the start of the POJA process. IGP, I think your answers are good, just don't try to educate her. Don't tell her "yes but..." Make your responses about yourself, your changes in perspective, your dreams, your...

You have done this pretty well, just reread and edit appropriately, but in answering her questions I think you should offer some original text for her to address and think about. Hence my request for a last paragraph.

Hope this makes sense.

God Bless,

JL

PS: She has laid out the blue print, follow it.

I think your responses are thought-provoking, loving and caring. I guess that your wife's actions now are linked to how the OM deals with his relationship. I hope she makes the right choice. You sound like you love her so much - she's a lucky lady. Good luck.