I've had little or no contact with my H for a while.

I just moved. I didn't tell him about my moving. He tried calling me yesterday and discovered my disconnected phone, and so called me on my cell phone. He says he wants to talk.

Please see my other post over on the D/D board for more details: Other post

But, in short, why does it feel so wrong to be in contact with my H? There's part of me that really misses him still (the old him probably) and would like to call him up (but not give him my new number or address...but to refuse to do so will tick him off anyway.....)BUT I feel like I'd be doing something so wrong if I allow myself communication with him.

Do I dare to call him? Is no contact with him a better idea than attempting friendship?

I'm so afraid of talking to him and finding out he still cares and then being left with the whole guilt of me giving up on the M and filing for Dv.....

Jen

Jen,

I don't think it's a bad idea to call him back and talk. Your feelings are not like an arm or leg you lost - you're recently DV and you and/or he may need some additional closure.

But if you need to never hear or speak to him again - I think it's only fair that you tell him that, VS just disappearing. It may be that you can't move on until you've distanced yourself significantly from him. I can understand that you're not wanting to be vulnerable to him as well.

Funny, looking back for me (I was married when I was 22 years old and divorced 7 years later), it took my ex-h and I awhile to wrap up our relationship after DV. Then over time we just had less and less to talk about over time. Our last conversation was peaceful for which I'm grateful. I didn't know it at the time but it was the last time I would talk with him before he died. And all these years later I'm at peace with how we left it. That's what I hope for you....

Tough question...but I vote that you call him. Blessings CSue

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 08:30 PM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

Much depends on how hard it will be on you if he starts on the control stuff again - and it is almost sure that he will.

Can you review your boundries? Can you be prepared to tell him all over again what you need to have a relationship?

Will it get to you and hurt you emotionally to have him pulling on your heart strings again?

I would almost bet he will try harder to get your attention - for a short time, or until he pulls you in again. The proof of his intentions is in what he DOES, not what he says. If you still have a little place in your heart for him, see what he wants, and what he is willing TO DO.

SS

Hi Jen - how's the new digs?

I believe the answer to your question is highly individual. One size does not fit all.

Given a choice - I'd never want to see or speak to my XW again. (But I don't have that choice since we have a teenage son.)

However, I can understand many people wanting to have contact or even the situation when contact can be beneficial.

Then there's your case...........

Based on what I know of your story, I believe you would be better off NOT having contact for the foreseeable future. Your H has a lot of maturing to do, IMHO, and his efforts to maintain contact with you are not motivated by nobility, nor laced with humbleness, I suspect. He likely still wants to cause you pain or discomfort.

That said, if YOU desire to have contact with him, go right ahead. You'll be able to tell pretty quick what his motivations are and you can simply end it when you think you should. Just be prepared for a flash back.

WAT

Jen, there's an "easy" answer to this.... Be cautious, but let your walls down a little tiny bit.

Let him know of your caution, being truly transparent in your honesty.... "I'm worried about this meeting... I'd like to see you, but I don't want to be hurt more. Can you tell me what you want to meet about?"

I recently asked my WP something very similar -- the info's over on my thread. You might want to read it and consider that what you think it's about... may not be what it's about.

And it's also worth thinking about this: If you meet and the conversation is just a repeat of the painful conversations of the past, then YOU haven't changed enough to change the direction of those conversations.

I don't know, had I had the chance to do it, whether I would have been able to change the dynamic. I asked for the chance, hoping I could, preparing for it, spending the time thinking about it.

People ask for contact when they miss someone they love. They ask for it when they're hurting and hope for something more, something better.

Even if they THINK they want closure... what they really want is opening of a heart, compassion, a chance to be heard and understood, and chance to hear, to understand, to open their own hearts a little more.

That's the opportunity here.... that's the risk here.