At H's job, they have assigned him a car as a part of his pay. We already have 2 cars, but we only have 2 spots to park them in our building.

We parked the third car for 3 weeks in a visitors space, until one of them had to go to repairs. When the car was fixed, I knew we couldn't keep parking it on the visitors space and that people would complain with all the reason.

So we have to take one of those to my parents or my in laws since they live in house with big parking spaces.

Yesterday I called H, and told him if we could do it about 7 pm, because I had a meeting at 8 pm was kind of tired, and didn't wanted to do it after my meeting at 10 pm. H told me that he rather do it after the meeting, because he wanted to go to his al-anon meeting. I thought it was great news, because he was leaving them to go only on saturdays, and we ussually on saturdays have many things to do for home or family, that he was missing those a lot. Anyway I accepted to do it after my meeting.

When I came back from it, H wa waiting for me, and I asked if he went and he tol me not, that he came from work. Well I got upset because of that...

In the way to my parents (to leave the car), I got more upset, not just because he had missed the meeting, but why it had affected me that much.
We left the car, and we got together on his car, and I was very distant and upset. H asked me to tell him what was wrong, and I sid nothing.. give me time to think this over. I was really looking for a good way to express my feelings without LBing, I knew that when I'm upset, I don't behave right. In the mean time, H was in like a panic attack fearing that this might not work at all, feeling like runing, not wantng to hurt me further, fearing of loosing it all again... many things.

In the meantime because of him feeling all that because I was not talking, he kept pushing me to talk.

I got even more upset, when I got into his car, because transfering the bike things from my car to his car I saw in the backseat space not one but 2 cell phones. Ok give me a break here. Cell phones with H are a VERY touchy topic with me. That is how I founf out, and that was a way to communicate him and OW. also H have told me cell phones were at work now, and they were at his car... so I got even more upset then, but I decided not to LB right?

Well he kept pushing me to talk, and I said I was upset because he was not at the meeting, and that I didn't knew why he had both cell phones there, that I wanted to just throw out of the window those damn phones. Turned out H picked one phone and throwed it out of the window, and I grabbed the other one and did the same.. Pretty mature huh?

What was worse was not even that, I said I knew it wasn't going to be any difference, because if I knew him, by next week he would not only got 2 cell phones but 3.. yeah what a way to LB big time, but at the time I couldn't managed better

What I'm feeling bad about, is that if that wasn't enough... is because I'm supposed to be working on a program, really I'm doing my best on not to LB or get angry and pick up on fights, I'm praying like crazy on tolerance and peace, and look who I behave, and I'm letting my H's choices affect me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

What we learned from it... is at my H's side not to press me while I'm upset even less when I ask for time to think things over... and me, well that I have still much work to do with my own control, and let him be like he is... I mean what works for me might not be the things that works for him... in a nutshell to respect him and his choices and not to let them affect me as much.

Well, I never was good at Plan A. There will be lots of ups and downs. So hang in there and try not to throw too many cell phones out the window.

LOL believer I'll try to remember that.

And I'm trying to be really good at my perception of plan A, which is be the best I can be. That was why I felt so bad about it.

TO add more... Today we had a mini fight about money. Yes I do understand that my H is an obsessive spender and all, but not to the point to put our finances in shambles, this is not going to help us, and that is also another aspect we have to deal on our recovery. He was also very mad at himself like he was never going to change, but for him looking that as a mistake now, showed in my view a HUGE change. So I'm hopeful on that.

He asked for my help on that, and I'm going to help in the strategy and also give my money, but he has to show good faith for a while and that means for me to give up for some time the credit card he used with OW, and that is giving us more problems now.

Hope he see this as iot is, a way to fix the problem, a show of good faith, and not as an attemp from me to control things, which I already know I can't.

matilde, I understand your frustration. I also prefer to be calm when I express what I feel. I am usually very calm and like to be in control of my actions. And, yes, there have been times when I have been pushed to say what I am thinking or feeling and I have said things that I later was sorry for. Not because of their content, but because they are easily interpreted in a different way. If you have problems with anger, the advice is usually to count to 10 before reacting, but do not count too fast.

By the way, I know cell phones down there are very expensive. Next time, do not throw it out, I certainly will be glad to find someone who may need one. If he has alcohol problems, it is understandable why you were upset. Best regards and do not feel bad.

Why me?

Your words are appreciated. I'm trying to change. I don't think I have hard anger issues. but that is my perception of myself. I have to ask my H about it and see how he looks at me. Basically part of our problems is that I want a solution fast and he wants to run. Not a very good match, but I believe we are both trying to change that.

Also part of my problem, is that I'm very impulsive. Emotions run wild on me, and H... well he doesn't got that link with them as deep as me.

Yes I know cell phones are very expensive here, but I'm not worring about it now, and selling them was not an option really right? I mean for sure he didn't wanted to get rid of them before. Anyway, Let's see how he manages t this thing again.

On the other side... well it has been me the one with alcohol problems, not him, and I didn't knew I had them, until someone from here pointed it out and I went to AA. Since AA has helped me tons on doing also a plan A, and making me better, I thought it would be good for him to go to Al-Anon to understand me a bit more and also for him to look for help. Like I said before, what works for me might not work for him, is just get very frustrating, that he doesn't look for the real answers and keep doing some times the same things all over again, wishing the elephant will dissapear. Well it will not go away until we kill it, eat it and digest it.

Areally good thing about him, is that he doesn't hold grudges, at least apparently, and he just want to move foward. I hope we indeed learned from this, than rather hold resentments...