I have a question, my W sent me an email stating that she wanted to pick up the mail on monday and talk what should I do?

A. Send her an email back stating that unless it's about recovering our marriage no talking but I will leave you mail in the mail box. If she wants to talk about recovery then talk?

B. Let her pick up her mail and talk.

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 11:37 AM: Message edited by: The Tinman ]</small>

A, definitely A.

However, I would soften it a bit. Perhaps something like:

"As I said in my letter to you, I will be willing to discuss the possibility of our marital recovery at the time that the A has ended. If it has ended, please email me with that information. Otherwise, I will leave your mail at _____."

Ideally, Tinman, you should not even be receiving or sending emails. You should have someone in an intermediary position to do so on your behalf. But...since it appears you don't at this juncture, then limit your communication to just the facts, but keep it gentle and respectful.

Good luck. I hope you hear that she needs your input into the n/c letter! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you ISgirl, I know your right and this is what I will do with your softer approach. Now this gets really hard, even the chance to see her is just so tempting. I really never even thought she would email me or anything. I am the DARKMAN dang it. Stay dark and be dark guh.

Hi Tinman! A!!! I will be praying for you that she DOES want to talk about NC and recovery! Otherwise, stick to your Plan B. You are doing a great job! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Another thought, Remember WW doesn't understand Plan B and all this stuff, so she will do everything she can to detour you! Be strong!

Tinman,

Mom is right - always listen to Mom! LOL!

The WS will often try to find ways to work themselves back into your life. You have to remain strong and keep your boundaries intact.

Yes, this is where it gets tough, and your PB is still so new.

I'll be looking here for an update from you!

Thanks for the support mom I hope that you are right about the NC and reconciling but I don't want to get a whole bunch of hope and then get crushed. Even thinking of talking to her and I get twisted up inside which is not good.

Tinman,

I wanted to paste here what my FWH (Lost Bird, #33342) posted on another thread. It clearly points out the importance of no contact during Plan B. Take from our experience and learn. If I had remained in no contact longer, we might have started down the road to recovery much earlier.

This is a direct quote from his thread:

"The contact we had during separation probably did more harm in my progress to return than anything else. Let me attempt to explain.

During those periods of silence, I had time to reflect on my M and what was in jeopardy. Interstingly, I best remembered the good stuff, those wonderful times and memories we shared. Then along would come some form of contact. Often it resulted in hurt feelings, some anger and defensive posturing on my part. For me it resulted in negative thoughts and sadly, over shadowed and dashed any progress I had made. Yes, call it being stubborn. Or perhaps, I knew what I was doing was wrong, why do I need to be reminded. So back in the shell I climbed. Further complicating things is that I am a first class conflict avoider.

What brought me back? There wasn't one single thing but perhaps a series of things. I had felt pressured in returning and naturally, that didn't do any good. Some people tried to play the morality card, but that doesn't work -- why would it on someone involved in an A? I know they were appealing to my better nature, but the stubborn side won.

I came back when I wanted to and felt I was best prepared to work on recovery. There wasn't a lightning bolt or anything like that, just a progression of thoughts and feelings. It will take time -- some take longer than others which is certainly evident here on this board. I guess there may be an "average" time, but since all people are unique, so are the circumstances.

Protect yourself and your feelings. My best advice is stay silent. If you need to make contact in the event of an emergency or some extraordinary circumstance, do so through an intermediary -- something recommended my MB. It sure its impact on me when that first happened."

I also wanted you to see something I wrote on another marriage forum (Penny Tupy's Save Your Marriage Central bulletin board). Here is the link:
The BS Is Fog-Bound Too!

All this is important to those in Plan B. Hope it helps.

Thanks for the other post ISgirl, I think this is a way for my wife to get back control of me maybe and keep me in her loop. I have to stick by my word and not have contact so I will send her the email or talk to our intermediate which is her sister. What your H said is right and that's what needs to happen.

ISgirl just a question if you read this. Who initiated the contact between you and your H? Oh and I did send her an email stating pretty much what you wrote just to let you know. I guess I'll have to wait and see what response I get back.

I really don’t want to do this on email... It is beside the fact that there is someone else. It really has nothing to do with him; I was not truly and completely happy even before him. And it is not because you are a bad guy, you are a great guy! I just don’t feel we should be together like that. And again, I am sorry how this all happened. I can apologize a thousand or a million times and I know that it doesn’t help. But, you know all this already…

Believe it or not, I want you to be happy, you deserve to be.

I would like to be civil about this, and I think we can be. And I have found a way to make this easier, instead of harder and I want to discuss it with you.

I would like to talk on Monday when I pick up the mail. Let me know if you are willing.

So what do you guys think?

Ugh!

Pure, uncut, undiluted fog-talk!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It really has nothing to do with him; I was not truly and completely happy even before him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We've all heard those words too. It's not about someone else; it's about me...

or...I care for you a great deal and do not want to continue hurting you.

Tinman, she is manipulating you. She is trying to regain control. She is not happy in Plan B (and why should she be?). She wants to be able to leave the door open between the two of you.

Hmmm. Just think. OM fills some of her needs, Tinman leaves the door ajar so she and he can "talk."

My vote: say, again, lovingly...No. I'm sorry, Mrs. Tinman. I love you but I cannot, cannot talk to you while the A is still going on. I would love to talk to you, but will only do so when you tell me that OM is out of the picture. Love, Tinman.

sorry...double post.

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: ISGirl ]</small>

Hehehe looks like Plan B might be working. I already called our intermediate to call my W and let her know that she can pick up her mail in the mail box Monday night. I think I will go out that night since it is my bday. It's funny she is now intiating contact. I have scheduled a session with Jennifer on Tuesday and will see what she has to say about these developments. Really starting to like Plan B.