I am really losing it. Everyone, including my H's family keeps telling me I need to kick him out. What should I do? I don't want to lose my family, but he absolutely refuses to quit seeing her. He is with her right now. He left 40 minutes ago to take a videogame back to the video store. Well, I know he didn't go there....I have connections. So, what should I do?

hurtnp,

I don't know your entire situation, but you cannot continue to endure the pain your H is causing you.

In my opinion, you must go to Plan B. You need protection from this pain. You need to tell your H that until he stops seeing OW, he must leave your home. Give him a Plan B letter. Post it here if you need help.

And, thank your well-meaning family. Unfortunately, friends and family are not professionals, they have not walked in our shoes, and they do not know the best approach for recovery from affairs.

But sweetie, ya gotta get out from under the pain you are living with! You need to help YOU.

I don't want my marriage to be over. I still love this man even after all this hurt. I am afraid making him leave will only push him more toward her. I can't understand what she has that he cant' get enough of. He says he doesnt' know either. I just want it to all go away!!!

Have you done the best plan A you can? If you have not, it is NOT time for plan B yet.

While plan B is supposed to preserve your love for your WS and protect you from further pain, it can only work if it follows a stellar plan A. And I mean STELLAR . Without that, the WS will have no contact with only memories of what drove him to the affair in the first place.

Wait for some OTers to check in - they know better than me. I have been in plan A for quite some time, although many have advised me to go to B. I am not yet ready, and don't feel I've accomplished all I need to in plan A.

I believe that to be a CRUCIAL (if overlooked) portion of plan B - the BS's willingness to do it. So many feel that plan B should be implemented if all does not go according to the formula. While I agree that the MB concepts are EXCELLENT, I also feel that each sitch is individual - and only you know your marriage.

So my advice (for what it's worth), is to listen to your heart. Do the best plan A you can muster, and move to plan B ONLY upon a successful plan A. And don't forget to talk to your heart a little, and figure out if B is where you're ready to be.

Just my 2 cents........

- WHB

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 09:54 PM: Message edited by: Wanting Him Back ]</small>

How do you do a plan A if H will not talk or look at you. He wants to have absolutely nothing to do with me. I don't know what I have done to cause this but there has got to be something. Help...I don't understand!

Some won't agree with what I'm going to say....BUT....maybe being pushed toward the OW is what your H needs right now.

You can't end it for him....so maybe him spending more time with the OW is what both of you need.

Him to possibly get tired of her....not saying seeing her for what she is...because I don't know her...and because not all OP are the monsters some would like to make them out to be.

For you this could be a time for you to work on you. Clear your head....get yourself out of this destructive situation.

If you don't start setting boundaries he's just going to keep sitting on the fence.

There is nothing that you can do right now to fill your H's needs.....not while he is still seeing her. He's not going to let you at this point.

I think that if you can handle it you should go to Plan B.

Your sig says that he doesn't want to leave....so what is his reason for staying?

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 10:03 PM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

I've tried everything I can to save my marriage, but H won't let me. I don't think he wants it anymore. What he has outside it must be better. The Why drives me crazy...She is a manipulator and everything the opposite of what I am. She has screwed around during her entire SECOND marriage! Why doesn't it surprise me that she doesnt' care to break up families. Why cant' I save mine! How do these manipulative people get to stay alive on this earth? I am venting. Again, how do you plan A when he won't look, much less talk to you?

What are you going to say to him when he comes in the door tonight? I would suggest you calm yourself down and greet him cheerfully when he comes in. No lovebusters, but ask him how much longer he expects you to live with his affair and what he plans on doing about it. See what he says.

What I am driving at is that you need to be as calm as possible tonight so that you don't cause any damage with your anger.

Then tomorrow we can talk about some strategies when you aren't under duress.

But no lovebusters tonight, please.

Melody,
I am calm. How can I greet him cheerfully? We don't speak. I said goodbye to him this morning and patted his shoulder...he said nothing, just kept reading the paper. He is home now. I said nothing, just sitting at the computer typing away. I could walk in there and ask him how long he expects me to deal with this...but I have and I know the answer.."I don't know. I don't have the answers you want." Been there, done that!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Miss Priss:
<strong> Some won't agree with what I'm going to say....BUT....maybe being pushed toward the OW is what your H needs right now.

You can't end it for him....so maybe him spending more time with the OW is what both of you need.

Him to possibly get tired of her....not saying seeing her for what she is...because I don't know her...and because not all OP are the monsters some would like to make them out to be.

If you don't start setting boundaries he's just going to keep sitting on the fence.

There is nothing that you can do right now to fill your H's needs.....not while he is still seeing her. He's not going to let you at this point.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, Miss Priss! Right on, Lady! You rock!

You are absolutely right, and I will agree with you. Hurtnp has to move to PB. PA will do nothing - she cannot succeed in PA...her H will continue to have the best of both worlds.

Hurt...please, how can we help advise you in Plan B? That is truly where you need to be. Let the affair partner be the one trying to meet ALL the needs your H has. Now, I know, it "feels" wrong. And if you want me to send you something that will make it - maybe - make more sense, I will.

I can also tell you my FHW is a testimonial to how effective being out of contact with your spouse can be.

Let us help you, OK?

How do I plan B? Everytime I mention him leaving he says when he finds a place he'll go. BUT, he still wants to show up every morning to watch the kids. I look at him and die wanting him. How can I plan B him if he is here every morning? Family and friends say I need to kick him out and change the locks. What do you think? This just seems so unreal to me. This is the man I love and want to be with forever!

Read “Surviving An Affair”.
Read the links below .

First, I feel your pain. In return, please feel all the love and good wishes those who have been in your shoes here on MB are sending you. Gather strength. Listen! to the great advice here.

Sweetie--you will know when you are ready to finally stand up for yourself. How long will you be willing to sit still for this abuse? And that is what your H is doing to you right now. He is in the fog!

Go back and read SAA and you will see that he needs to get hit with reality. Girlfriend--this OW is not the dream and fantasy that he is living in right now. Stop comparing and worrying about what she can do for him and how stupid he is.

What you need is to pray for strength, borrow it from us here, behave courageously and tell him that he can NOT continue to have you AND her. If he will not give her up, then he must leave.
You will never make him do anything--he must come to the conclusion that he wants you on his own. In this comfy place with both of you meeting his needs he isn't in reality and this can continue for quite a while. REad Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" and "Hope for the Separated" While your H is seeing what life will be like without you, your family, his home, his reputation, you will have relief from being constantly beaten up by his callous treatment of you. You will work on you, learning to love yourself, how to set boundaries and more. "When you are in hell, keep going!"

If you can afford it, get counseling with Steve Harley so that you can have a plan and a coach.

You CAN do this! How do I know? I have been there. And more. YOU CAN DO IT!

Thanks everyone..I feel a little better now. Its getting late and I have to teach 20 kids all day tomorrow then come home to my own 3 and 6 year old. Who are the only reason I am putting up with this crap anymore. They really adore their daddy and I don't want to be the bad person who sends him away.

hurt,

The very first thing you need to do is quit wasting your time wondering what the OW has that you don't....because the answer is....NOTHING.

Don't waste your time wondering about the OW. Make her NONE of your business. She has no place in YOUR life. She may be in your H's....but she doesn't have to have anything to do with yours unless you let her.

By wondering these things you are destructing yourself. She is NOTHING to you...and she has NOTHING on you.

Plan B while your H is still in the house is very very hard....but can be done...if you can handle it. Actually it's not really a Plan B....but I can't call it a modified Plan B...because apparently there isn't a modified Plan B.....but to me there is.

Okay...I'm getting tired and starting to make no sense.

Just know that I've been where you are right now.....SEVERAL times.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnp:
<strong> How do I plan B? Everytime I mention him leaving he says when he finds a place he'll go. BUT, he still wants to show up every morning to watch the kids. I look at him and die wanting him. How can I plan B him if he is here every morning? Family and friends say I need to kick him out and change the locks. What do you think? This just seems so unreal to me. This is the man I love and want to be with forever! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hurt, if you want to save your marriage, then you had better be willing to take risks to save it. What you are doing is not working. It is only enabling him to continue his affair with all the comforts of home. There are no consequences this way.

If you want to save your marriage, your best hope is to give him some consequences and throw some water on this affair. There are no guarantees, but what you are doing is not working and will not work!

Consider going to Plan B, hurt. And I would not allow him in your house after that point. Set up scehduled visitations away from the home. If he is allowed to come in the house and babysit, he can go on forever because he can pretend all is well and then go out with the GF afterwards. He needs to feel all the discomfort of losing his family.

You need to show him how painful it will be to lose his family and how painful it will be to not have his needs met by you. As it is now, he is having his needs met by TWO women from the comfort of his home. What man, in his right mind, would give that up??

If you want things to change, you must do something DIFFERENT, hurt! Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. It ain't gonna happen. So, do something different!

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 07:16 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

okay...I'm doing something different. I came home today to find on the internet where H had looked up different careers and jobs. Well, one of my statements when we chatted was that the place where he works turned him into a different person. Which he agreed with, but when I told him to quit we could make it on my salary and he could look for a different job, he said no way. Well, should these job sites on the web encourage me? My plan tonight was to stay at my mother's house. I can't stand seeing him every night knowing I can't have him. It is making me go crazy so I was going to stay away for a night or two. Is this a bad idea?

He should leave, not you. Time for you to decide what you want to do.

I really need to leave at least for the night. Everything in this house reminds me of what our family was and should be like. There are just too many memories here right now for me to clear my head or get a good night's sleep. Probably won't get that anyway.

^^^^^^^Bump^^^^^^^^