Hurtnp I figured I'd post my Plan B letter so you can read it. I know that you probobly feel that if you have no contact with your WS that they will feel that you don't care about them. This is far from the truth, if you send a letter like this they will know that you care for them. I felt this way also at first, the first week was hard I must admit in Plan B but it get's better over time. I never thought after almost 3 weeks I'd hear a peep from my W, but she sent me an email the other day. I know that we are supposed to have an intermediate person to conduct business through, but Jennifer said we could have email contact for emergencies. I guess my W wanting to talk to me Monday is an emergency (not). So I did read her emails and I kinda reverted back to feeling upset, she still wants to talk on Monday but I called my W sister to tell my W her mail will be in the mailbox since what she wants to talk about is not about recovering our M. I just figured I'd put my 2 cents in here so you can see how Plan B is, if it works I will let you know. I think the main thing is that right now my W is not in control of our situation any more and that bothers her.


Dearest K,
This is one of the hardest letters I've ever written. It is with heavy heart that I sit here and put my thoughts and feelings to paper. It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and us. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation. Let me explain.
I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and with my selfishness and foolishness I helped create a void in our marriage that helped allow this affair to happen. I did not realize how much it meant to you for me to be there for you. The handholding, the hugs and the snuggling to name a few, I now clearly see many of those things I was lacking in. I just didn’t understand how important it was to us. I have made it clear to everyone that my time with my precious wife is and will be my main focus. You will always come first.
I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship, or how to meet your needs. I can not sit here today and say that I know all that I need to know about relationships but I can however honestly say that I have learned a lot about honoring, cherishing and companionship. I want to learn even more about how to be a supportive and loving man. The type of man that I hope you would be proud to call your husband; the same pride I felt so many times when I called you my wife.
Since February, I've been trying to give you hope for the marriage by learning how to be a better husband to you. To give you hope that you could return to a marriage that you wanted, and for us to build our family together, but the past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving grace is the memories of the love we once shared, of the all good times we have spent together, your extraordinary qualities that led me to ask you to spend your life with me and the thought of us being together, someday happy again. Unfortunately, I now find those memories and feelings are slowly eroding away. Before I lose any more of the memories and feelings of what were once us, I must take some drastic steps.
K, as you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I simply can not continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with (OM). It has become too painful. We can only rebuild our marriage...together...when you completely end your relationship with (OM).
Until that point, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. I would also like any of the regular communications between us to be handled through SIL. If you have any emergency matters, you can always email me at any time. I will put your mail in the mail box on a designated night that you request so you can pick it up.
I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know torturous pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with (OM). I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer, knowing that you and he are together. This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid losing any more of the things we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery!
I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from (OM) and are willing to construct a plan to ensure a total separation. Until that time I will continue to pray for us.
In my mind I will keep the vision of seeing you walk through the door and me saying "hello my love" and of a happy and loving couple where our needs are being met and a relationship where no others could come between us. I know it can happen! What anyone other then you thinks about us is of no importance to me or my feelings for you. I still love you today; I just can not be with you or help you as long as you are still involved with (OM).

Your loving husband,

Thanks Tinman. I am okay. This is the latest...I haven't found the book yet. It was out at the bookstore. I will look again tomorrow. In the meantime...I spoke with H about the lengthy note he left for me after I had gone for the night. I am certain it was a vent from him because we(the kids and I) were not here. I just went all out and asked bottom line "What is it that you want?" He replied that he does not want to lose his family. I asked if that meant the kids because he knows I will not keep our boys from their father. He said no, it meant me also. Well, I then stated I have only asked for one thing through all this...that is for him to have NC with OW. He said in a very sincere way that he would work on that. Should that be a good enough answer? I really think he wants to work on things. He has already done a couple things that show he wants to be here. He quit sleeping on the couch and he even changed into his work clothes here instead of wearing plain clothes to work and changing. This hasn't happened in a long time! He even called tonight to say he had to work over because someone went home sick. I really believe him. Have I lost my mind? One of the things he said made him unhappy was that I didn't cook. We eat out a lot(no denial there). So, today I practiced making his favorite dish and it turned out pretty good. He didn't get to have it yet. He had to work, so I hope he has some when he gets off tonight.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnp:
<strong> Well, I then stated I have only asked for one thing through all this...that is for him to have NC with OW. He said in a very sincere way that he would work on that. Should that be a good enough answer? I really think he wants to work on things. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What does "working on" mean exactly? No, talk is not good enough. You need to see ACTION. Talk is cheap, hurt, and that is ALL you will get unless you demand action.

I would ask for some action or prepare to move onto Plan B. Hurt, you cannot settle for empty words. They mean NOTHING.

<small>[ May 02, 2004, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Hmmm. Well, you know one of his needs is cooking. So get with it, girl. I love to cook, so it is easy for me. But there are lots of things to make that take very little effort.

As far as him working on NC, I've heard that one before from my WH. Time will tell, but start working on making changes in you, in the end that is really the only thing you can do.

You have any good recipes, believer? I went to the store and bought some stuff. Our children are already dying for McDonalds!! This is really something I should have been doing all along. I could make excuses like working all day and it's easier to just pick something up, but that won't cut it any longer. I really need to read the book, SAA. I read all the links on this site about Plan A/Plan B, but I still don't think I have done a great Plan A. I have been really filling only my need to gripe and cry for the last couple weeks. Today I felt really good about cooking and playing more with our boys. I have gotten my head cleared and have decided to quit trying to compare myself to OW. She is not part of my vocabulary any more. As before all I could think about was her and H.

Hi Hurt,

This is a rollercoaster you're on, and Plan A and Plan B are your survival tools. Read the book, learn what the Plan(s) are intended for and how to implement them.

Right now it sounds like your H is doing what you want simply to appease you. You have to remember "An Affair is an Addiction".

He's an addict, and until your H has written a NC letter and OW has received it, and until your H's actions in recovery of your marriage are consistent with his words, you are still riding the A rollercoaster.

Read here, you'll see almost every member has experienced several false recoveries. Unfortuntely, it's very typical.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ May 02, 2004, 10:45 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Kids get addicted to fast food and it is not good for them. You can make a salad at every meal and it only takes a couple of minutes, then throw in a vegetable, and some meat.

Most kids like spaghetti. That is easy. Also you can make chili easily, throw some chicken in the oven, etc. If you are tired after work, use a crockpot - anything cooked in one tastes great, and it is so nice to come home and have dinner already done.

The kids will complain at first, but will get used to it. I used to even just have baked potatoes for dinner. You just get big ones and bake them, and have different toppings - canned chili, cheese, salsa, olives, etc.

Another thing that is fun is grilling outside. Then you just add a salad and some corn on the cob, and you're done.

Oh, I almost forgot, my kids used to love to make their own sub sandwiches, just get tomatoes, lettuce, cheese, pickles and sliced meat, and some sub rolls.

Also homemade pizza is a hit.

Invest in a pressure cooker - just throw everything in and it's done in about 30 minutes.

Thanks believer. My H thinks I can't boil water just because I have not made much effort in the cooking dept. I can follow a recipe just fine. I can also grill. He stated that spaghetti doesn't count because our 6 year old could make that!! I asked him what does count and he said meatloaf or something like that. Well, I did meatloaf today and it was pretty easy. I have to go to bed...early to rise for work tomorrow. Teaching 20 kids that aren't mine takes some sleep!! Take care everyone!