I've been on MB for almost 4 years now. If there's anyone out there that recognizes me, unfortunately, there's a sad update to the story. My H is cheating once again. I found out in February, and it's been going strong ever since. There have been several phone confrontations with the OW (when she calls his cell phone) and of course they are so fogged in that they deny anything has happened. I was ready to call it quits and file in March, but H ended up in the hospital with a kidney problem. Next week, he goes in for surgery to have it removed.

I have been struggling ever since he was in the hospital in March with how to deal with this. On one hand, I am ready to file and move on with my life, but I simply cannot be that cold hearted to not be there to support him through this medical issue. He is the father of my children, and as much as I loathe him right now, I do want him to be healthy again soon. I've been trying to be as supportive as possible (knowing that he's carrying on yet another A as we speak), but trying to distance myself emotionally at the same time.

I am asking for prayers for his surgery next week that everything goes well, and prayers for direction for me in making life changing decisions once the medical crisis is over.

Hi J - thinking of you.

I know this must be a conflicting time.

Of course, supporting him is the right thing to do.

Maybe it's easier to support him knowing that your children need a father - even one that's a schmucky husband.

Afterwards, there's another right, and necessary, thing to do.

WAT

I don't know you, but I am sorry that your H has decided to cheat again.

I was in your shoes (sort of). D-day (of A and a child born of that affair) occured right in the middle of H's medical crises. They, at first, thought he had a brain tumor or multiple sclerosis because he was going blind in one eye. It turned out to be a less serious and more treatable condition and they saved most of his vision. However, during all the medical tests, they found a salivary gland tumor that had to be removed becaue of high risk of cancer. They had to peel of 1/3 of his face to get at the tumor. Don't worry, they put it back on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

A friend summed it up right when she said "I knew I wanted you dead, but I didn't mean this way. You better survive you bum so that I can kill you in my own time." Had to admit it was funny, sick, but funny.

So, recovery from surgery is generally 2 months or less. What is your plan after his surgical recovery?

MJ

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 10:07 AM: Message edited by: MaryJanes ]</small>

Thanks for the replies everyone. Sometimes I wonder how much more the Big Guy thinks I can handle, but He keeps giving me more.....

D---it doesn't seem to make it any easier to be supportive because he's my kids' father. I guess he has burned me so badly that nothing seems to matter anymore. I've been trying really hard, but I'm sure it has gone unnoticed since every time I leave the house he calls her. Who am I kidding. He calls her even when I am home, he just thinks he's being sneaky because he's in his office in the basement. But I digress.....

MJ---I am very sorry that you have had to also deal with this situation. Yes, I did chuckle at what your friend said, and have thought similar thoughts. They are hoping to do the surgery laproscopically, so hopefully the recovery time will be less than 2 months. What's my plan? I don't think I have a choice anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Pep---Thank you so much for your reply. It was so meaningful and exactly what I need to do. Believe me, I am trying my hardest. I'm trying to be the lighthouse to him, hoping that he'll see through the fog. Who knows. Maybe it will take something like this to help it clear out once and for all. Unfortunately, I'm not holding my breath on that. He's had too many medical things tied directly to when he's been heavy into affairs. I look at it as a sign from God, one that he's not taking seriously. He's literally had things come up every year that he's been cheating and they keep getting more and more serious. How many more chances is he going to get??? But you are exactly right. I'm doing the right thing, so I can never regret not being there for him in his time of need. Thanks again!

Isn't it the least bit tempting to let the OW nurse the stupid WH back to health? Seems to me it would feel like Plan B in a pressure cooker! Though there's a certain poetic beauty to that option, I would probably stick it out and "do the right thing." Then when you do leave, you conscience will be very clear. Just seems such a waste of devotion and hard work. Am I awful?
--DT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

If it were me, I'd just give him 6 months and then plan to move on. I'm always into doing the decent thing even though I'm being treated like crap. Is there any chance you will want to try recovery?

Hi HinIl,

One thing, a BW recently here on MB was with her WH after they both had some outpatient surgery. She said he was so dopey from the anesthetic he was telling all... she wished she was coherent enough to ask him some questions while he was in that state... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You might want to hang around for some info after the surgery, while he's still a little dopey... never know...

(whatcha bet I get flamed for this?)

Good luck, and I am wishing you BOTH well - Dru

Hi hurting,

I'm have mixed emotions about you finding yourself in this position. I'm sorry because as hard as you know it will be, it will be at least 100x harder at times and I'm sorry you will be going through it. On the other hand, I know of good things that are in store for you and for that I am happy for you!

I haven't read all the replies, but take particular notice of Pepper's, ok?

I will keep up with your thread. I might not have good answers or good advice for you, but there's probably nothing you will say that I haven't said or felt or done--and sometimes just knowing that someone else knows what you're talking about helps.

Hopefully everything will go according to schedule and this medical crisis will only last for a couple months or so. But don't count on it--if it "drags out" and you're not prepared for that possibility then handling it gets many times harder.

Take care hurting

Thanks again for the replies!!

Desperate---oh yes, I've thought of that on more than one occasion. Sometimes I feel like calling her when he's in the midst of his whining and telling her to come and take care of him. I've also had to change bandages every day that are covering a tube coming out of his back. I'm almost ashamed to say that I've felt like tugging on it more than once <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

lbc---I feel the same way as you--that I need to do the right thing, even though he is treating me badly. I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't. ya know??

Dru---I do remember that post as well. What a great idea <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Then again, his parents will be with me and they aren't aware of his most recent philanderings. Then again, no time like the present to inform them, right <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

LB---so, what things are you aware of that are going to be happening to me?? Hmmm, almost seems like you know me or something. I hope that things are going well for you, and any advice is more than welcome, that's for sure!!! His surgery is Tuesday, so starting next week, I probably won't be online much. Also, he's notorious for having complications, so I'm sure it won't be as speedy as a recovery as we're all hoping for.

Hi hurting,

I laughed when you said it sounds like I know you. We have similar situations like one BS has a similar situation as another. I can remember thinking the same thing when an experienced FBS eerily posted about what I was going through--and it wasn't even me they were responding to! ROFL

WAT said:
"I know this must be a conflicting time."

Did you put this on the ballot for understatement of the decade? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> hurting, one day I would be hoping and praying that FWH lives a long, healthy life and the next I would be ready to buy a shovel and bury him myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> Conflicting? Maybe a little <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

desperatelytrying--keep that kind of humor coming!! It helps, the more awful the better when it gets really hard. Hey, I just thought of something--hurting, when it's really hard you can say real low "there's always Plan B in a pressure cooker ya know". WH will probably wonder why you're laughing evilly, let him wonder <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

hurting, you know you won't yank the tube. But nothing says a few stories of what you've heard that "others have done" is out of the question--especially when you're in the middle of changing the bandage! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Take care

Hi hurting,

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

I'm assuming your WH will be on large doses of pain meds. Do you know that state between consciousness and sleep, the state where they appear to be sleeping but are still somewhat aware of their surroundings? Take advantage of that state. Soft verbal messages and light physical messages get through.

Ideas--
--talk to WH, as if you don't think he can hear you. If he later references anything you said, act surprised and a little embarassed to have "gotten caught" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

--talk on the phone to someone else while he is "sleeping". Same scenario as above, but you don't have to actually have someone on the other end of the line--WH won't know that, he'll only hear your end of the convo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

--no matter what, NO LBs!!!! Hot showers are good for sore muscles, so that can be a good excuse for many "time outs" for yourself during the harder days. Very sore muscles benefit from as many as 5 or 6 hot showers in a day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

--NO TEARS around WH. Plan meals that require onions and keep a good supply in the house. When you are teary or cannot help crying, cut onions for meals in advance. Peeling and cutting onions is a good cover when you cannot stop the tears from coming. WH will not know how many chopped onions you throw away when he's not looking <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care hurting, I'll say a prayer that your sleep is restful and replenishing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

**Edited to change FH to WH. I had my FWH on my mind when I posted this, was probably a Freudian slip but it's been a long day so I probably shouldn't start guessing at what the F stood for <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 11:31 PM: Message edited by: LovingBoundaries ]</small>

bump for hurting

Take care and sleep well

Thanks LB! My WH came through the surgery very well. He actually came home today, so that's good. I didn't get a chance to "use" the time that he was still groggy, though, as they kept him in recovery for over 2 hours. He was pretty coherent once he got to his room.

I am not really sure what to think. That night he was talking about how he had had time to think and had reprioritized things in his life. Then he went on to talk about things that he wanted to do for me and things like that. I don't know if the time that he left us to go into pre-op and the time he actually went into surgery (almost 3 hours) was enough to shock him into some sort of reality. In discussing some things, he mentioned that he was ready to have a breakdown in the pre-op because they kept calling different codes and lots of people always went running. We also talked about his new OW (who he insists is just a friend) and that he cannot talk to her ever again. We'll see if that happens or not. For now, I do think that he got a little close to losing everything and he's rethinking things. Only time will tell.....

Hi hurting,

I've been thinking about you.

I think these are good signs! You know what his "true" feelings are--remember this if he starts wavering.

This is the time to Plan A like you've never Plan A'd before!!

NO LBs--during a medical crisis love units are deposited at a much slower rate, and LBs drain at a much higher rate than usual. Sucks, I know, but that's the way it is.

Take care hurting