H has been gone four days and I talked to him the last two days. I tell myself not to but it is so hard. Today is a new day and I am going to do it.

I don't know if I should hope for change or just accept it is over. He states he knows where he is at emotionally and has chosen to keep seeing her. Although he was surprised that I told him he had to stay with a friend if he saw her. I don't know what will change his mind?

Does it help when his friends and family tell him he is making a big mistake since he will miss out on his soon to be son?

durham - you're not in Plan B yet. AN D - please accept this - you CANNOT CHANGE HIS MIND!!!!

Did you see the letter I wrote for you??? See your "Advice...." post.

Until you do a Plan B letter that communicates YOUR desires for rebuilding the marriage, communicates YOUR restrictions for continued communication between you and your H, and sets YOUR conditions for removal of these restrictions, you are not in Plan B.

Doing a makeshift Plan B is just about the worst thing you can do.

WAT

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 09:16 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

H has been gone four days and I talked to him the last two days. I tell myself not to but it is so hard. Today is a new day and I am going to do it.
You're just not going to talk with him?
He's gonna think you're mad at him and that you don't want to reconcile. Is this the cse?

durham have you given your H a Plan B letter yet? If not WAT is right your doing a half baked Plan B. You need to write a Plan B letter like the one WAT wrote. So that way your H know you still care about him and the steps he needs to take to recover your M. I've been in Plan B now for over 2 weeks now. I finally got an email from my W last night asking if she come by on monday get her mail and talk. Since I have written my Plan B letter and she knows what has to happen for us to talk, this is the return email I wrote her. "As I stated in my letter to you, I will be willing to discuss the possibility of our marital recovery at the time that the A has ended. If it has ended, please email me with that information. Otherwise, I will leave your mail in the mailbox Monday night." See this covers you so that all the emotions that your going through now will subside, but if you contact your WS then it's back to square one with your emotions.

Dear Durham,

Several posters point out the advantages of having a Plan B letter, and that is the usual way Plan B is done.

In Boundaries, Clound and Townsend point out that there is pain in personal growth. It is possible, that even without a letter, H understands that you have asked for NC, based on your boundary of not accepting a husband who is committed to another woman.

You seem concerned about H's pain, but that pain is of his choice and making. You are aso experiencing pain, in enforcing a boundary to which you are entitled, and which you have not previously compromised with H.

Another type of pain, is pain inflicted by a spouse who is being inconsiderate. Sometimes we may be inconsiderate out of ignorance or carelessness. Sometimes the pain is inflicted by a conscious choice.

One type of pain you are experiencing is pain that is caused by H's wrongful choice. H should accept responsibility for his pain, and the pain he is causing you.

You should feel comfort in knowing that you are not the cause of H's pain. Perhaps you can also find comfort in knowing that the pain you are experinecing is a pain in helping your spouse to grow. There is righteous, angelic, pain in helping a spouse to grow, personally.

Trust is based on living up to committments. H is not abiding by his committment. Phrases for answering the phone could be, "Are you ready to honor your commitment to me?" How long has it been since you spoke to OW?" What kind of a NC agrement can we work out for OW?"

I gave the references for Cloud and Townsen, Boundaries in Marriage, about a week or two ago, on one of your threads. Have you looked into getting any of the materials? Have you checked out any of the free articles on the Boundaries websites? When we are tempted to rescue a spouse from their constructively consequential difficulties, we are not following good boundaries. Perhaps if you had been following good boundaries earlier in your marriage, H would be more responsible and trustworthy today. I encourage you again to look at the boundaries materials.

Your goal should not primarily be to change your spouse. Your goal should first be to stand up for the type of marriage you are willing to accept for your son. You goal could be Standing, not changing. Changing will come when H decides to do the right thing. That timing is not under your control.

Blessings

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 10:23 AM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

durham, are you reading these responses? I see a new thread saying this same thing, but I don't see any response from you. What is your plan?