Was it you or your H that intiated contact when you were having your problems?

Both, actually.

It was frequently via IM...we'd see each other online, start out friendly enough and then it would go downhill.

So we were both at fault. But mostly me, because I should never have initiated the contact nor should I have responded.

<sigh> but at the time it seemed the "right" thing to do. And that is a lesson in itself.

If it feels right it probably is not.

Thanks for the info, I posted my W reply on my other thread the Plan B'ers I have a ? one. Your input would be appreciated.

Isgirl: But when you entered into recovery, how was that conversation initiated? Did your WH contact you? How did you respond?

Thanks

Hi Christy,

Easy answer on that one. My H emailed a n/c to the OW. I received a copy by email.

That pretty much let me know it was OK to talk again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

That night we had dinner together and made our plans for moving back in together.

Oh Isgirl...

I broke my plan B big time this week...you are right about wanting to talk because it feels right but it is not. I kinda force an answer from WH today and of course he choose OW. I told him i want a divorce and he said he will see a lawyer next week. Talk about a conversation going downhill.

Finally he agreed with me to find proof that OW really loves him by telling OW parents first before he throws away everything. WH admit he never even met any of OW friends except two of which he only said hello. I told him how can you have a relationship like that if you don't know her friends or willing to meet her friends. He claimed OW friends are too young for him. It is so clear that their relationship wont work but WH does not see it. He is so deep in the fog.

Isgirl did you have contact with Lostbird all the way until he sent the NC? How much contact was it? Just email only or more?

I read lostbird posting about no contact in plan B but it is so hard to do that. It feels so right to be in contact with them but then it does no good for us or them. I know...i will try to do better. I broke plan B twice since i started plan B. It is now end of my 3rd month of plan B. So frustrating to see no end to this whole mess!!

Zizzy,

Honey, I'm so sorry! I hear you loud and clear and God knows, I have been exactly where you are, too many times to count.

OK, so you read LB's post about no contact. Did you read what I wrote on the other Plan B threads (The Tinman's for one)? It's a link to the SYMC discussion board - Penny Tupy (Cerri)'s site. Over there I am known as Sharon SYMC.

Anyway, the thread talks about how we BS are fog-bound too.

Here is is:

The BP Is Fog-Bound Too!

While you are there, you might want to register. There are some of the same posters there, but some new/different ones too. Never hurts to get different points of view.

Regarding your question about contact with LB, no Zizzy, I didn't have ongoing contact. In fact, When I sent him the second Plan B letter in July, I had no contact - totally - until December. I even had an intermediary for absolutely essential emails.

OK, so now we accept that some damage was done, some serious LB'ing when you asked him to choose. How do we get past that with your H? 'Cause I really don't think that you want him to choose right now, Z, he's still in the fog. Sit it out, wait it out. The fog has to clear to some extent before coming home and working on the M will have any appeal whatsoever. Right now, when forced, he WILL choose the OW.

Do you have an intermediary for communication? Might be a good idea, especially if you feel you are tempted to contact and when contact happens you follow your emotions. SYMC can do that for you as well, if you are interested.

Hugs, Zizzy. We can get you through this!

Intermediary has been a LIFE saver for me. I made arrangements through fellow MBer, and Penny at SYMC. It has made my Plan B work, and I have been COMPLETELY dark, even with two kids and finances, etc., for over 2 weeks. :-)

Christy,

I am of the opinion now that an Intermediary is a necessity, not an option.

As only too many of us know, it takes just one contact to unravel any progress either spouse has made. And, that one contact can be so hurtful and harmful as a BS and WS get emotionally entangled.

Much better to let an objective third party handle communications. Glad you did it and glad it is working for you!

^^bumping^^ for zizzycool.

Didn't know if you saw my post to you.