Hi folks

I have a post over at Plan A/B. "Discovered PA**MANY WOMAN"

I am in close contact with OW that H had A with, it ended mid summer/03.

She made mention of something. That when intimate with my H he wanted each to masturbate and watch. (Told ya this was strange).

Now until Dec/02 H and I made love, then he began with impotency problems, went to the Dr., Dr said it was stress from jobs, gave Viagra, H doesn't like it, he isn't able to "finish" with it.

H's A started 1/03 with this OW, fell deeply in love with her. H continued to make love to me on occasion. H came to me on 1/06/04 crying with the whole "I love you but not in love with you". After that point the only sex he would agree to was what this OW described, the masturbation which I am not comfortable with, but I knew he was messing around on me, so at that point I didn't want "him" in me anyways.

Although I knew he had an A, he never admitted it and I discovered it a couple weeks ago and have been talking to the OW about their relationship because I knew my H wasn't being honest (he doesn't know I'm talking to her).

Now, previously my H and I had great sex life (it was really great b4 kids) I always tried to boost his ego in bed, be real appreciative of him.

Does anyone know about what would cause a man to only want that type of intimacy? (The masturbation?). This has really stumped me. Is there a known mental problem, issue, I don't know even what to ask here?

I thought before I spoke with OW that it was me, in fact he told me he couldn't make love to me because he didn't have the feelings to but now I know different, he was the same with with this OW that he fell in love with.

Does he maybe feel more in control that way? If he's had problems in the past - maybe it makes him feel more comfortable? I dunno... just guessing here... or maybe he feels guilty and doesn't want to have actual sex with either of you til he's sure what he wants? again... just a guess...

CW

Dear M,

A few weeks ago, I mentioned some sites on addictions, including sexual. Trust, control and libido satiation issues may be part of the equation. You might check back to the prior posts. Boundaries can help with sorting out tust, control and accommodation issues. For a wider perspective on understanding the problem of masturbation, you might check out: Sexual Forums.com The other discussion site is: Cure Zone.com

This situation can be approached from a make-wrong position, and it can be delineated that H is wrong in A. B and C ways, and that Treatments L, M and N are available, and L looks like the best bet for H.

Another approach is the Boundaries two overlapping circles approach. Your fantasies, H fantasies and the approaches you agree upon, in the overlapping seciton of the two cirlces. There is early foreplay, middle foreplay, and intense foreplay. There is afternoon, Evening, night and morning. There are tried and true approaches, and there are innovative, expeirmental approaches. Again, the challenge is to try to work with everything you are in agreement about. Try to discuss compromises so that more issues can be brought into the overlapping section of the circles.

Every person enters marriage with ideas of what will, and will not, go on in marital bedroom. Everyone has limits or boundaries of what activites are not acceptable in thier martial bedroom. Some affairs and divorces are centered on boundaries in the marital bedroom.

Every posting person on MB has one or several activities that are unacceptable to them in the martial bedroom. Some MB posters post looking for support in the view that the off-limits activities that upset them, are truly wrong. Many MB posters have one or several activities they think are wrong in the marital bedroom, so you can get support for that make-wrong concept on MB. If you are looking for ideas to get more activities into your mutually agreed upon boundaries, then you might look at other sites for wild ideas that will work for you and H.

Apparently H's commmunication to you about his fatansies for the marital bedroom are on hold for some reason. Is there any way to get communication going? Any way to explore your blocks to H's fantasy activities in MC?

Blessings

<small>[ May 02, 2004, 11:07 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

Hi M01069, I think we crossed paths on Enid's thread on impotency. My computer is being very glitchy and I haven't had the chance to go back and read through your threads. Didn't you think at first that your H was being "loyal" to the OW by not having SF with you? Now it turns out he wasn't really functioning with either one of you, correct?

I don't think your question is strange at all. Sort of makes sense actually considering his impotency. Viagra does not work for all men. He can take care of himself alot easier than trying to take care of both of you. (You and him I mean, not him and OW!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Have you and your husband talked about your individual ENs? One way to support his SF need would be to do an advanced search on Google and learn as much as you can about impotency. Try different combinations of words such as impotency, masturbation, marriage etc. The more you know about the subject, the less likely you are to love bust.

Another important reason to know and acknowledge each other ENs is the effect that unmet ENs have on the libido. Does your husband have issue over something with you or is there unresolved hurt from the past? Something to ask yourself.(and him)

I now know that my own husband's bout with impotency had to do with his feelings about my chronic spending. Overspending was such a long running issue between us! His lack of contol over me ended up translating into a lack of control over what was supposed to happen in the bedroom. If we had known about POJA and the importance of meeting of each other's EN's back then, what a difference it would have made in our lives.

Anyway is this a strange thing? NO. Are there reasons? YES! Part of recovery is DISCOVERY and you've got the MB tools here to do this in a respectful, nonjudgemental way. Go for it M, knowledge is power. Google away and then give your H a big hug! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> KB

M- this is a shot in the dark but just something you might consider.
Is it possible that his having erections problems is the reason why he has preferred masturbation.
You mentioned Viagra.

It can be medications that he is taking, it could be stress . . . could be a number of problems.
But for whatever reason, he has found a means to attempt to satisfy himself and OW by mutual masturbation.

My WS has a hernia. He cannot perform certain positions without great pain. Prior to affair we were often finding ourselves trying other means.
Its very possible that this is the only thing that works for him presently.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does anyone know about what would cause a man to only want that type of intimacy? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure do. Masturbation is NOT an act of intimacy for man. It's as close to pure self gratification as he can get.

I think he's avoiding intimacy altogether.

I don't think that manual stimualtion is wrong when it's part of a larger picture of love, sex, and intimacy. But when it REPLACES everything else, there's a big problem there.

JMHO, Low

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by m01069:
<strong>
Does anyone know about what would cause a man to only want that type of intimacy? (The masturbation?). This has really stumped me. Is there a known mental problem, issue, I don't know even what to ask here?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am a man and I don't know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . Masturbation is not intimacy, it is self-love. Is he in any type of anti depressant ?. AD has been known to make it harder to reach ejaculation. Viagra & AD is a killer mix <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . Do you think he has a problem of reaching it before he lost his erection ?. He might get frustrated.

One thing I would do though, I would tell him that you talked to OW and know all the secret about his A. Don't LB'ed but do it as FYI to him.

-rh-

I can think of several reasons a man might prefer masturbation to intercourse.

1. No performance anxiety. If he attempts intercourse and either can't achieve erection or loses it quickly, then he disappoints his partner. If each of them is responsible for pleasuring themselves through masturbation, then there is no pressure to perform. And no risk of failure. This is VERY attractive to someone who is quite anxious about their performance.

2. As others have said, it may be about reaching orgasm. If his meds make it difficult to reach orgasm, he may find that masturbation is the only way that works. Which to some may seem strange and somewhat counter-intuitve. For me, reaching orgasm through intercourse too soon, rather than not at all, is typically the problem. However, there were times while I was taking A-D meds when I rarely achieved orgasm through intercourse. But I was usually able to achieve orgasm through masturbation.

3. In part it can be a cardio-vascular fitness issue. Masturbation, even when done forcefully and energetically, does not put much stress on the heart and lungs. So the body can allocate plenty of blood to the man's erection without shortchanging other areas. And if achieving orgasm is a problem (perhaps due to A-D meds), he may not be in good enough cardio-vascular shape to continue intercourse long enough and vigorously enough to achieve orgasm.

<small>[ May 01, 2004, 11:50 PM: Message edited by: holdingontoit ]</small>

Am I going to have to be the first to point out the irony of "holdingontoit" responding to the topic of masturbation?

LMAO!!!

No offense intended.

SD

I can't imagine living in a sexless marriage. You are both only in your 30s and he is acting like an 80 year old man. Is he trying anything at all to find out what's going on? If it's a physical problem it's very selfish of him to just ignore it and expect YOU to just live with it. If it's a mental problem he needs a psychiatrist not just a counselor.

I apologise in advance for what I'm about to say.
I don't mean to make light of this but when something makes me laugh in this awful situation I have to share it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I must need to get my mind out of the gutter because when I read the *name* of the person who posted before me "holdingontoit" I had to LOL at how funny that is in THIS thread.

LOL shattered dreams <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm glad I'm not the ONLY one with my mind in the gutter!

H is not on any meds.

H went to Dr.'s during summer for complete physical to make sure it wasn't a health issue.

holdingontoit- chuckle chuckle

I have a feeling it might be a low self esteem problem. I have talked to a couple of very close friends about this and asked their advise on how to boost it. I was always appreciative in bed, so I hope it's nothing I said or did in the past. My friends said that if it is a self esteem problem it's something he needs to work on. But I will boost it whenever I can. I love the guy still.

Ejaculation. no he never had a problem before. He was always "easy going" in bed.

Someone mentioned self-love. (I can't find the quote, i'm in a hurry). My H was big into the "self love" stuff from the BOOK OF THE FOUR AGREEMENTS. You gotta love yourself, honor yourself. But he got into that after his initial "problems"

Hmmmm. Something is going on with him, who knows what? Can you try to do what he wants to do and see where it leads. I am pretty liberal in my thinking sometimes.

When I watch Jerry Springer, and see men who like to dress up in women's clothes, like to bark like dogs, etc., I always think, "oh well, why not?"
Sometimes men are into some kinky things, but if it is not completely offensive to you, try it.

Hi-ho!!

Guess what? We had sex last night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It was incredible (of course we haven't gone all the way since Dec.)

Not to get into too much details, but we went "all the way", then I let and helped him finish his way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It was just awesome to be intimate with him again.

I just hope that this is a true start to recovery and I won't slip back into the comfort zone where I take him for granted.

I feel guilty that I am at this point (although I try to keep my hopes in check) and so many of you are still struggling. I have to thank each and everyone of you. But I am not out of the tunnel yet.

Please don't feel guilty - we need to hear success stories. No details? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That's why I came back over from other forum! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> Please don't feel guilty - we need to hear success stories. No details? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That's why I came back over from other forum! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believer ... what more detail you want ?, this is not a X-Rated forum <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ... lol! Just teasing, I know what you mean.

m01069,
Did you let him buy a bigger ATV yet ?.

Redhat,

No bigger ATV yet. That's not going to happen til I know we're on stable ground. I'm not sure how I'm going to say that to him though. Maybe that's something I can save for MC.

H is working tonight. First night back since his Army 2 weeks in VA. I'm nervous...The hotel he overnights at is where is A's happen.

I sent him an appreciative email regarding last night.

Dear M,

I saw this post on another forum, responding to a wife who thought that mutual masturbation was strange:

Wife Posted:
My husband and I masterbate together on a regular basis. We have a huge closet in our room with mirrors on the doors as well as mirrors on our head board and we enjoy watching each other as well as ourselves masterbate!
I have an extremely high sex drive where as my husband doesn't. and I think that if I couldn't masterbate I'd go NUTZ!
I find it very arousing to watch my hubby cum. I love to watch his facial expressions, etc.
So I'd have to say Sure the wife has a right to be pissed the hubby is stepping out, but I don't see how she should think he's strange. Masterbation isn't strange it's HEALTHY!


Blessings

<small>[ May 04, 2004, 07:45 AM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>