Hello again everyone, I was on here a few months back but had given up message boards for Lent..so not sure if anyone remembers me.

I'm back and really need some encouragment. I am struggling. I can't seem to get over the OM. It's over and has been since November. But, I find myself still contacting him, god this is ridiculous. Why in Gods name do I think I can be friends with him? I remember you all saying before about breaking all contact and I did for two months until now and I emailed him.

This was an online emotional affair that lasted for 6 months. I swear i have been crying over this since November..it's like I'm stuck in the moment and can't pull out.

I know what your advice will be as far as stoping all contact but it's so hard, I honestly wanted to try a friendship..stupid I know.

Hi Scarlet,

Have you read "Why We Love" by Helen Fisher? It analyzes the chemical motivators in the brain and talks about what happens when a love is lost.

Dopamine kicks in, big time. Here is a paragraph I found fascinating, in which she is talking about levels of dopamine in the brain:

"...dopamine may fuel the frantic effort a lover musters when he/she feels the love affair is in jeopardy. When a reward is delayed, dopamine-producing cells in the bran increase their work, pumping out more of this natural stimulant to energize the brain, focus attention, and drive the pursuer to strive even harder to acquire a reward: in this case, winning one's sweetheart. Dopamine, they name is persistence."

So, understand what is at work in your body right now. Dopamine is telling you to SAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP! Knowing that, your approach is no different than any other 12-step program.

OK, you know you have to kick this addiction, right? You know, deep in your heart, that you cannot, cannot, see this man, even on a friendship basis. No phone contact, no emails, nothing.

Again, paraphrasing from Helen Fisher's book with reference to a 12-step approach for "Love Addiction":

Remember, take one day at a time. Break that down into smaller componenets - an hour without OM contact, 15 minutes...whatever it takes.

"If you don't want to slip, don't go to slippery places." So avoid places you and OM went together, songs, any shared experience that would trigger a memory or desire to talk to him.

Remember that one single contact will lead to more, so you can't ever have that first contact (in AA language, "It's the first drink that gets you drunk.")

Think it through. Ms. Fisher says that lovers tend to only recall and romanticize the glory days. That's what drives the re-contact. Try, then to think past those "good" times to any single disappointing moment, or a fight or disagreement you had. Focus on that.

Scarlet, if you or anyone you know ever kicked a smoking habit or alcoholism, you know that the only way to do it is in small bits. As a former smoker, I can tell you that when I quit (in the 80's) I remembered vividly for the first year the hour, day, date of my last cigarette. Heck I remembered where I was, and, LOL, probably what I was wearing!. After a year, the memory became less vivid. I no longer remembered the hour and other small details. Years passed and I forgot more and more.

Now? I cannot honestly tell you the year. Amazing, huh? And, it is the thing in my life that I am most proud of mastering. Just take that and know how proud you will be when you master your addiction to the OM and your energies and positively focused on your H and your M.

Good luck, Scarlet.

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: ISGirl ]</small>

wow! you are amazing ISGirl. This was an awesome post. I had looked at this as addiction a few times but you really spelled it out for me. I will give this much needed thought. If I were to treat this as an additction it could help. I've never had any addictions and I'm not really familar with the process, apparently I can't spell either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> anyway, thanks so much for this post. It does make sense. I am calmer now,I just had a bad case of tears this afternoon and I'm just so sick of feeling like this.

scarlet-
I tried the friend thing, too. I wanted so much to believe that it could work. I had to face it, though... it can't and won't work. I had to let go of that friendship/relationship and let my husband become my best friend again. I haven't read all of your story yet and I'm having a rough day here, so I won't say much... but I will let you know that it does get better. Hang in there. If I can do it, you can, too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

CW

captians wife, just knowing that someone else has gone through this is a huge help. Thank you. I do want the friendship badly but I'm seeing now that I don't think it will ever work.

I'm new on here so I haven't listed my story as many of you do in your signature. I had an EA..online. That's really the whole story.

Married for 18 yrs and have three daughters ages 9, 13 and 14.

thanks again for your post.

Scarlet-
Good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So how was your weekend?
By the way - I understand about online affairs... that's the way that mine started. When my H realized this, he installed instant messenger on his work computer so that I'd be able to chat with him online whenever I was tempted. It's been great for H and my communication and the re-establishment of our friendship! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just thought I'd share that...

CW

There is a whole gang of people here, going through the same thing you are. Stick with us and you will hear from them. In the meantime, when you are tempted, post here instead. We will help you through this.

Scarlet,

Does your H know about your online affair?

If he does, then you can ask him to help you with this problem.

Put rules on your email account so that any emails from OM go to your H instead of to you. (My H did this for me and it is a HUGE source of comfort and trust).

Install spyware on your PC and have the reports emaied to your H.

If you and OM ever communicated by cellphone, switch cellphones with your H or get another number. Likewise pagers if you ever paged each other.

Delete any "secret" email accounts and if you can't delete them, give the password to your H. Give your H your voice mail password(s).

Bascially what you want to do is think up EVERY means of communication you had with OM and ensure that your H has full and total access to that communication. Where you can, ensure that you yourself no longer have access. Knowing you'll "get caught" will be a BIG incentive not to talk to OM.

Is OM married? If so, tell OM's wife about the A. It will cause a bit of a ruckus in the short term but in the long term it's the best thing you can do for your M and his too.

Hi Scarlet,

As a FWW who also met the OM online I can so relate to what you are going through. I did much of the same..I ended it and went back then he tried to stay away and came back and on and on serveral times.. He being happily married was no real threat to my marriage and yet the guilt began to overwhelm me and I realized I had to stop and let him go.

When I did let go the withdrawals were horrible and some days I still cry, but it has been almost 2 months now since the A ended and every day gets easier.. And now I know if I contact him again I have to start all over and go through the pain all over again. So I am staying strong.. I made up my mind this had to end..It truly is an addiction as you have come to realize as well.

When I start to think about him too much I focus on my husband and try to imagine his face if he knew I had gotten involved like this all over again.. So far that has stopped me.. also the guilt eats at me and sometimes I wonder if my life will ever feel peaceful again because of it. I still cant believe I got involved this way and I am very ashamed I became a betraying wife.

The only way to deal with this addiction is NC and deep down you know that Scarlet.. I wish you strength and the hope you will find peace in your life again soon.. Stay strong.. you can do it..

Lmh

I am so sorry that you are going through this, because so am I. My WH is so lost that I just want to die. I cry constantly and it is interfering with all that I do. So far I haven't tried anti-D's but I am thinking about it. For me, I started to exercise and focus on me and what I like. I have lost so much weight, but I am looking at the positive. I look good. I don't feel good, but I look good. I also take strength in my daughter, family, and friends. Most don't know much, but they are there. Also keep reading here. The support is unbelievable.

To Believer,
You gave me hope when you said statisics show most WS come back. Where did you get this from? I would love to know more, because it makes all that we BS are living a little more bearable if there could be hope at the end.