I know probably this question has been ask several times. There are times where I can't stop crying.

I try to tell myself crying is self pity, feeling sorry for myself, but sometimes the loneliness and pain are so great.

When I found out about the affair, I was devasted, but I forgave immediately, and was ready to work so hard to save my marriage.

It was after we separated, where the uncontrollable crying began. I keep telling myself its temporary, but now he is with the OW and the pain is unbearable. He has someone while I'm alone.

We do talk on the phone, and I never bring up the OW or anything negative. I just keep it short and sweet. I don't say "I Love You" after the telephone conversation because it will only drive him away more. Somedays I want to tell him how much I'm hurting, but he needs to see that I'm strong, because who wants to come back to someone who is unstable.

I keep telling myself, work on yourself, its the only situtation I have control of. I can't change his mind or the situation, I just pray he will see her for what she is and what I understand eventually they do.

But how can I stop the crying, you think by now I wouldn't have any tears left. Thankful I am a positive person, but sometimes the pain outweights everything.

I tell myself when I'm emotional wreck, that the OW is winning because she has control of my feelings, especially when the tears turn into anger. She already has my H, now she has control of my feelings too.

I miss him so much, any maybe he is starting to miss me too. He has called me three times in last four days. Where as before it was like once every 10 days.

I believe in hope, but there are moments where I feel hopeless and this where this board is so great. It is so comforting to know there are people like you that have been and going through the same situation that you are. This is a great support.

I just wish I can make the crying stop.

You need some hugs (((((HopelesslyDevoted2))))),

I was having a similar problem a few months ago - couldn't stop crying. Have you tried an AD (Anti-Depressant)? I didn't want to take one but finally agreed to (when I was in the Dr's office and couldn't stop crying...) It really has helped a lot. Plus I think besides the support here, it helps to keep reading (even if it's just review). It also is easier for me now that I am sticking to Plan B. It DOES get easier. Also, any practical things you can to increase the feel-good chemicals in your body will help: exercise, get outdoors, spend time with supportive friends/family, do your favorite activites, pamper yourself. The thing is you might not feel like doing those things right now because you are so sad. Just make yourself do them anyway. I've been doing outdoor chores for 3 days in a row now and it has made me feel GREAT! I've started on the garage and I'll tackle the basement and my bedroom on rainy days. A couple of days ago a friend invited me to lunch and this morning I took one of my daughters out to breakfast. It was nice to get away and be waited on for a little while.

Now I have so many projects I want to get busy on. All those projects were there waiting a couple of months ago but I just couldn't get into the mood to start them. But if you just push yourself to do it anyway the busyness lifts your spirits enough to keep you going.

<small>[ May 01, 2004, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

You will be miserable at first, but like meremortal says, you need to get out and do things. It is very hard at first, but will help you.

You must move on with your life and decide to have a good one, with or without him. I have been going through this for a year. The best thing is to take care of YOU.

HopelesslyDevoted2,

First of all, Hugs to you! I am so sorry you are feeling such despair.

Now, have you considered the fact that you might still be crying because you continue to be in contact with your H? That keeps the emotions raw and on the surface.

I take it, based on your saying that he's calling 3-4 times recently that you are not in Plan B? May I ask you why?

Hopelessly, sweetie, you are giving your H exactly the wrong things to save your marriage. You are allowing him to be witht the OW, be separated from you so he can come and go as he pleases, but still permitting him to talk to you and - quite probably - get some of his emotional needs met by you during those calls.

The only way to let this affair wither is to cut off all contact with your H and let the OW try to meet all the needs he has.

Have you considered going to Plan B? Sounds to me like you really need to.

The first weekend I was feeling good about myself and venture out. I went shopping ( 10 miles away from home) and ran into my WS and the OW. After he told me she was out of his life and the separation was time for us to work on ourselves. All I said is "how could you" and walked away, especially after he called me sweetheart. He called me up later to apologize and said that OW car broke down and they were out buying jumper cables. Since then I have been jittery of going out.

The saving grace is that I do work two jobs to keep myself occupied. I'm not at home feeling sorry for myself. Its just the down times or driving home that makes me feel blue and to start to cry.

Maybe now that spring is here that will help.

I'm usually a positive and cheerful person, but I have some long time clients that hear the sadness in my voice. I just tell them to pray for me without going into details.

I have bought so many books these past few months, sometimes when I'm really upset I do sit down and read. They give me hope and encouragement to work on myself and when I become better person it make the situation at home more appealing to the WS to return. If not, you still become a better person out of this mess.

Maybe I do need to see a doctor. It just some of those days where the crying doesn't stop.

Stick with us and we will help you get through this. It is tough, but can be done.

You need to work on you and get out. Don't let them control you. I've been thru this for a year. What helped me most was getting a life. I started cleaning the house, detailing the car, rearranging the house, exercising, joined a support group, volunteering, started by own business, and just generally getting on with life.

Try to do the same. It will bring back your self-esteem.

What works for some may not work for others. I had NC with WS for 6 months and that didn't stop the crying or the emotional pain. In a way it was worse. WS is with the OW also and just the knowledge of this is so overwhelming for me at times. It's been 16 months now and it feels like yesterday for me. Having NC doesn't help and talking to him doesn't help either. I truly feel that the only way for me to get over this is when I can heal the hurt and that will never happen as long as WS is with the OW. And yes, I have a life without WS, but that doesn't mean I like or enjoy it. I go through the motions and that's about it. I even tried dating and that didn't help either. I guess you have to find what works for you. Sometimes I reread old love letters from WS and one time I wrote a list of all the things we had shared that meant we truly love each other. This helped a little. Antidepressants didn't work either, made me feel like a zombie all day. When will the crying stop? I wish I knew. For me I don't think it ever will as long as OW is on the planet. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

My Dear Ones,
I really have no advice since you have been going through all of this longer than I, and our situations are not exactly alike (my husband is no longer seeing the OW in any personal way), BUT I want you to know that I am really praying for you. I pray that you will feel a peace in your heart, that the crying will end, and you will be comforted. Nothing is impossible with God, and people can truly change. Don't give up.

HD2

I was the very very same way. I cried so much that my face got wrinkled under my eyes. My skin got burned from the tears. I thought I was losing my mind. My kids were crying all the time with me. It was awful. You are in a terrible place. Let me tell you something first off, you can't do it alone. Go to the Drs. explain and get some anti-Ds, second if you can't sleep? Get something for that also. If you look back on my posts you will see I was so depressed. It is just such a shock to the system. You need to get sleep, and if you aren't then the crying tends to be even worse when you are tired. Please don't try to get through this without meds. They really help take the edge off. Second, keep posting here. Honestly these people here are like saints. You will feel better. You honestly will. Read, read read. Read every post. You don't have to reply, just read them.

I had panic attacks every time I went to the local Walmart because OW only lives 15 minutes away. I would tell my kids we have to leave as soon as we got there. I was so scared of running into her and what I would do to her. She would be bald I tell you that. Whatever you do, try to take care of you. It is important for your health, eat, sleep, drink water. Tears deplete the water in your system.

My IC told me crying is good. She said it is like a well and when you drip into it ripples go to the edges, eventually it will get so full that you will drip into it and it will ripple over the edge. You are the well and you are just full of sadness. Get it out. Next you will be angry so get ready for that.

HINY

Many of my tears are angry tears. I can't believe my world is falling apart.

I'm angry that a married woman thinks she has the right to have my man. Especailly since she knows he is all I have in this world. My husband did dump her, but after her H found out about the A, OW's H filed for divorce, she kept playing and scheming to get my man. How could he leave me for a woman who has those qualities unless he thinks that all he deserves.

I cry for my loneliness. I miss him so. It doesn't seem fair that the OW gets to hear his laughter, feel his touches and see his face.

How to go on, when for 14 years he is all you have live your life for. He has been the only man I ever been with, and it scares me that I might be losing him.

I know patience is a virtue. Maybe God has give me this time to take time out for me, but pain is so great.

Even if I go the Doctor and I get anti-depressants, does it takes just the tears away or does it help with the pain also.

I'm trying to be positive and trying to improve myself. Its hard sometimes when you heart has been torn out of you and stomp on over and over.

Thanks for all your support, I know you can feel the pain I'm feeling.

HD2 -

Yes it is terrible at first. I have been going through this for over a year. Get some anti-D's, they really help.

You are probably trying to figure out what she has that you don't have. The answer is nothing, this is all about your WH's problems. When the BS first finds out, it is awful for the self-esteem, but get out and about, and build it up yourself.

Your WH is in the fog, and there is nothing you can do right now, except work on YOU. But the statistics are in your favor, most come back to the marriage.

HopelesslyDevoted2 --

Everyone has given you good advice here, and what I'm going to say might sound like it goes against what others have said. It doesn't. Within this awful cycle of pain, there are different things that work on different days, and this is something that will work on the saddest, hardest days:

Give yourself the gift of allowing yourself to grieve. Don't fight it. Don't tell yourself it's weak or stupid or selfish or any of those things.

In those moments of terrible pain, you ARE angry. You ARE hurt. You ARE broken in spirit and lost.

It's okay to be those things. Be them fully, as honestly and completely as you possibly can. And do things to comfort the Self that is truly expressing itself. While it is a terrible thing to go through, it's very important to accept this pain and not try to hide it away and reject it. While you may not be able to do that all the time, when you START to feel bad, disengage from what you're doing and go cry or yell or pound or sit quietly or whatever it is that you do when your emotions finally DO come spilling out.

I suspect you'll find that if you don't fight it, but instead encourage the pain to express itself.... it won't be so awful to get through.

Think of it like breathing through labor pains. You're birthing your Self and it hurts like hell..... particularly when you get all tense and stressed and try not to let yourself out.

This might well not make any sense to you at all, particularly the last part. That's okay, you'll get it in pieces, day by day. For now, just try to acknowledge the faint tinges of tears in the back of your eyes that happen throughout the day ... and give yourself five or ten uninterrupted minutes to really experience those tears, instead of trying to hold them back.

HD2

I can feel the pain in your post and I am so sorry. Nobody deserves the pain that betrayal causes.

I just wanted to agree with what just j posted. I found in the beginning I did better if I gave myself time each evening to fall apart. During the day I get so busy with my kids and I want to keep things as normal as possible for them. They have caught me crying but I try not to let it happen to often.

It has been 12 weeks since D-day for me and I no longer need to cry every night. If I skip more than 3 nights without allowing myself to grieve and cry I get depressed and irritable and can't handle the frustrations of everyday life.
There are the occasional triggers to where the pain hits me like a softball in the chest and the tears start flowing no matter where I am (kinda embarresing)

My point is tears are normal. Let them come and be the release you need, just as long as it is not all you are doing.

Thank you for all your support. Somedays are harder than others. It's just that I have been crying since January 7th.

I wish I knew about Plan A before my H left. This is something you don't plan for, so you don't know how to react when it does happen.

The pain is just so great. I know the pain of losing my parents. This does not compare. Its the betrayal and the lies, and thinking he will always be there and he is not, that is killing me inside.

Since I'm an only child, my in-laws are the only family I have. They been my family for fourteen years and think of me as their own. They have been very supportive through this mess. They do think I need an objective opinion, someone who is not so close to the situation. They mention seeking a psychologist for me to talk to.

My friends don't even know I'm separated. I'm to ashamed to tell them. My biggest fear is that they will run into my H with the OW.

I know crying is good for you, I don't want to fall into a depression.

I'm trying to be strong and work on myself, but I guess I'm going to have those days where I will be feeling down.

Everytime I read your posts I feel like you are me and describing my situation perfectly. It's been 16 months since OW has destroyed my life. I just got done crying an hour ago and I never thought I'd stop. I know "exactly" how you feel and I wish I could take away your pain. WS's family is also like my own and can't believe WS has done this. To make my situation worse OW is pregnant and that makes it harder because we were trying for a child when she came along. I pray every day WS will come back and that the OC is not WS's but her husbands. This forum has helped me very much. I hope it does the same for you.

Thanks for the support, that's why this board is so great.

Today I talked to my sisiter-in-law, this is the first time I talked to her since my H told them last week we were separated.

I chicken out and didn't tell her about the A, and told her to just to pray for us and I haven't given up on our marriage. I said he is going through a mid-life crisis. Once again I'm holding on to his dirty little secret, if only it was so little.

I also confided in one of my clients about my problems except for the A part. I guess I really don't want people to know my H left me for another woman. It's so painful, but I really do want people to pray for us, so I give them some info, but not all.

The only ones who know about the A are my MIL and FIL. The reason why is because they had a personal relationship with her and she was malipulating them along with my H. My MIL is wise, at first she didn't believe, but she started to add things up and when she did she realized how malipulating she can be. She is totally on to her.

I only had one good cry today, I don't know how long my contacts can take all this crying.

My only hope is that WS will see OW for what she really is before it's too late. I feel as long as she is in the picture in any way I don't have a chance and the crying will not stop. IL's hate this woman and can see her for the lier and cheat she is. This gives me some comfort but not much. My only chance is when WS can see through the fog.

Dear Hopelessly Devoted2

I feel your pain, it's like I am looking in the mirror. My grief is much like yours, I cry for loneliness, I miss him also, and I agree it doesn't seem fair that OW gets to hear his laughter, feel his touches and see his face.

I also am trying to be more positive, to improve upon myself and finds ways to move forward., sometimes I feel my heart ache and need the time to grieve.

My husband left for the 6th time on 4/21 and the pain I feel is much like yours. Somedays are harder then others I agree, it's doesn't compare to a death, I believe a betrayal from someone you loved so deeply is so much more difficult, they are still out there, still watching us cry which makes the pain worse in my eyes.

I have been trying to support my boys who's hearts are broken, who's loyalities are wronged and trust is gone.....sometimes it's all I can do not to cry with them since I feel their pain, I feel their sorrow. But, I try to remain strong at least in their eyes, If they see me as weak in turn they will feel no comfort from whatever I say. I try to encourage them and release their pain I try to force their emotions my way., but teenagers have their own ideas on how to cope and I worry about how much they can hold inside. I tell them we will move forward with or without him and survive on our own,we will be safe and our lives will continue - it's an adjustment which hurts like hell. But in the end I am hoping we all become stronger individuals from this experience. I have asked my boys to contact their dad and explain their emotions, but to no avail they refuse my suggestions which I do feel would help.

I have seeked professional care, therapy does help but does not take away the pain, it helps us understand we can not fix what we did not break!
It has helped me understand I am a good person, and will be loved again, and will find someone supportive. It has helped me see it's not just me it happens to a lot of people for whatever the reason would be.

I am alot like you and have kept this situation to myself, I fear all the questions, at a time when I am weak, I don't want to cry while standing in front of them, I don't want to appear as if I am the emotional mess. So, I also have kept this situation within the family as much as possible and I beleive this actually has helped me survive., not to worry about running into friends and being asked a million questions.

My hurt and pain are mostly from the friendship I have lost, the bond we had and the connection I felt. I know we loved one another and can't understand what happened, how I lost the man I loved. I hung in there for him and listened while he talked, allowed him back into our lives 5 times, each time staying a week then leaving., all this to allow him the opportunity to see our future and see what we have, that this affair is an addiction and love is much greater. Now he is gone - I hardly ever receive a call, I e-mail him and receive very short respones. I have asked him several times if he wants a divorce but he never responds! I am lost within my own feelings and lost within such pain, much like you I worry about falling into a depression.

I have found to keep busy with friends, go out to lunch, met friends for dinner all of which I have done., I have also been invited on a mini-vacation with some friends which I have agreed upon but am finding it difficult to go. I know there will be a few guys there and am not ready to move forward in that direction, I need more time to allow myself to cope with the pain of rejection from my marriage of 22 years, I am scared like you and hope GOD will guide me throught his one.

I feel your pain, keep posting, All these folks are great people and will help us both through this mess, we WILL come out stronger, keep that positive attitude.

Angle with no Wings