I've read a lot about the reasons men have affairs. Often the excuse is that his wife has a low sex drive.

I tried to be whatever he wanted me to be in the bedroom. If he had fantasies that some would consider kinky, I more often than not indulged him in those fantasies. I still would for the most part, there's very little I won't do, but there are some things I won't.

That has left me wondering if he really wouldn't prefer a woman who is more reserved (a respect thing?) he tells me that's not the case, but I just can't put my mind around what the reasons are for the things he's done. It wouldn't explain the last one, she's nothing but a tramp so I doubt there's ANYTHING she wouldn't do with ANYONE, but the one before that was the stay at home and crochet doilies type (no offense to those who crochet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

My question is for the guys, if you ask your wife to indulge in sexual activities with you that may be a little out of the norm and she is willing to do that, do you lose any respect for her? Does she seem too *easy* or something?

Gosh no, I wouldn't lose respect for her... on the contrary...

Sheesh, my wife reads here, so I hope I'm not embarassing her...

I guess it could be said that I'm a little kinky too... and my wife has been willing to meet me in anything that I've ever asked of her. And I truly love and appreciate that about her.

Maybe this doesn't apply in your case, but I'll share it anyway...

Sexually speaking, it wasn't about what she would or wouldn't do in the bedroom, honestly, the quality of our lovemaking was by far the best I'd ever had (and that is saying A LOT!!!)

It was about her taking an initiative in some of these things... about her taking the first step.

Lovemaking was pretty much always initiated by me. And while I appreciate that she was a willing participant, I always wanted more than just a willing participant.

For me, and maybe most men, there's a big difference between a 'willing participant' and a woman who has desires of her own.

I always felt that she enjoyed our activities, but the need was mine. That if I never initiated anything, nothing would ever happen. And I'm not speaking of kinky stuff, I'm speaking of anything. I tried a few times, to not initiate and weeks would go by...

Any, I'm digressing big time. The answer to your question is 'no'. I would not disrespect her for being compatible with me on a sexual level. I'd enjoy it big time and it would be a meeting of one of my most important emotional needs.

dewt

Definitely not! If the spouse is willing to meet the sexual needs of the other spouse, that is a great thing. I personally find it awesome when my wife meets those needs and when she initiates them as well. There is no act more intimate than sex, and anything that helps in that intimacy is worthwhile, IMHO. I believe that it strengthens the marriage and that respect is actually gained, not lost for the other spouse.

Ok, so I'm not a guy, but I totally agree! It's all about willing, passionate, kinky, blood-boiling sex when it comes to the bedroom. If laying down and not making a squeak is what turns on your man and you, go for it. I uh, have a much more wild experience and each time we spend time talking about what else we could do that would be even more wild, each other's fantasies and yes, when a little time is taken, I take the effort to make his fantasy come true when he's not expecting it. And he does the same for me. Whatever that fire is between you that sex drive that keeps you going, keep feeding it! Affairs are never all about sex. They have a deeper meaning, even if he doesn't realize it. I'm sure you're doing just fine hunny. Keep up the good work!

Toomanylies,

Here is an excerpt from a book I read called Tempted Women. Although it primarily focuses on why married women have affairs, it does give quite a bit of info about what the OM is looking for.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What the OM wants:

-They want the A to stay w/in bounds

-They thrive on the diversion, the excitement of the illicit, forbidden sex, the variety. His W may not like to try "new" things.

-Some get relief from home. May be having M issues. May have a W that ignores him for kids, work, etc.

-Able to reveal themselves emotionally.

-Doesn't want the R to get serious!!

-He may say "I love you" but he still isn't committing to anything

-Men regard an A as an addition to marriage not as possible replacement

-Most men let the married women know about the restrictions of the R. "I'd never divorce my wife because of the kids." That is the number 1 excuse the OM uses

-The woman's emotional investment flatters the OM but causes discomfort

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So basically it doesn't matter whether you are the most exciting W in bed or not. It's all about the variety and the way that it feeds his ego. Your H must have low self-esteem to need to build himself up.

Remember, too , that alot of OM lie to the affair partner as well as to their Ws. He may tell her that he never gets any or that the quality is low when the truth is the complete opposite.

It also said this about male BSs

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why men react with so much fury;

-a husband feels dishonored

-humiliated in the eyes of "society." Even today we are conditioned to think that a married man is more likely to have an A.

-less likely to be suspicious therefore causes more shock. Because of our conditioning wives tend to watch husbands for signs. Not likely the other way around. Our egos tell us," she'd never cheat on me. I provide for her. I tell her I love her. etc"

-they are frightened. Worried over the future. Don't feel needed.

-Male competition in sex is acute. Has been for eons.

-Emasculated that OM may be better in bed or may have a superior sex organ. You women say that size doesn't matter well even if your telling the truth from your perspective it doesn't matter because size matters to men!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't kid yourself your H knows that his AP's boyfriend or H would react as above. Some men get a real competitive charge out of belittling/humiliating the AP's mate.

You can find FWW's comments to the above quoters and more at this link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=028052;p=1

cwmac

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 12:27 AM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

My WS biggest complaint has been my lack of initiative.

I've got that fixed. My motto now is, never let an opportunity go by. So instead of my pushing down my sexual desires for him, I'm gonna act on every one of them.

And regards to not wanting to do or try something I think if you express your reason for not wanting to . . .rather then just saying no that might help. In the past we would come across something one of us wants to do and the other was hesitant or just flat out not interested and suprisingly enough after some thought we would modify to accomodate the other.
The whole idea is to please your partner.

To explain why this particular woman, I agree with Chastesin . .. affairs are not all about sex.
There was a need beyond sex that he needs.

Have you completed the EN Questionaires? If you have, work on the top 5 EN for each of you. If not, then go to the main board, print them out and work on those. This will add points to the Love bank and in turn increase desire.

I also agree with the other posts here that A's are not about sex, but sometimes lead to them. I guess it could be said that ONS and sex with Prostitutes is about sex, but I haven't seen very much discussion about either of those on this board. Hope that helps!

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 06:57 AM: Message edited by: Recovering H ]</small>

You ask, "My question is for the guys, if you ask your wife to indulge in sexual activities with you that may be a little out of the norm and she is willing to do that, do you lose any respect for her? Does she seem too *easy* or something?"

No, not at all. It actually makes me appreciate her more.

Obviously, if she says "No" she means "no" and I respect her for that as well.

"Don't kid yourself your H knows that his AP's boyfriend or H would react as above. Some men get a real competitive charge out of belittling/humiliating the AP's mate."

That's terrible! But I wonder if it isn't true. My h is a serial cheater and his OW's are always married (atleast they are when he meets them, the last one left her h when she moved in with my h) That is really really terrible <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I do know without a doubt that if I were in love with someone else he would move heaven and earth to change that.

I am so glad to see this post.

I posted something similar months ago. I too, worried that my H was overwhelmed with my willingness to do whatever he wanted in bed. I have always been the one to make the first move and I make it a point to try to blow his mind.

I wondered if maybe his A was a reflection of that. Maybe he was intimidated by me or maybe I was too willing and that was a turn off. I know men like the chase as much as the kill. (Bad analogy) I would at times pull back and make him come to me.

I just do not see how I can do more now (post-A) then I did before (pre-A). I know now that I've had the boob job I'm am more confident in bed. That has spiced things up a great deal.

I can't help but feel like he doesn't deserve me now. Like I want him to know that not every woman is like me and he is lucky to have me. I have even thought about withholding...but I can't. I'm too weak. I need it more then he does and I think it's cruel to withold sex, regardless of my reasons. I do not have the will power anyway...but it has crossed my mind.

Am I crazy?!?!

Hi TML,

If my wife was capable of showing sexual enthusiasm in a way that would excite me, I would be very happy. However, she just wants to be satisfied as quickly as possible, then gives me a time limit.