Alright I am feeling very out there and maybe crazy myself. I am holding on to hope for my marriage but am I just doing it to make myself feel better?? My husband moved out last week and keeps telling me we are done. I pushed him to hard and asked to many questions about his when/where/why etc. He can't take it anymore. He says that he loves me but is not in love with me and that there is no hope for this marriage. He called OW on Tuesday and told her he was getting a divorce because he thought she would like to know. She told him never to contact her again. He called lawyers on Monday and then said he was going to file himself but he still has not acted upon it. He again told me this morning that WE are done. There is nothing left. He claims that I can't be trusted because I snuck around to find out what he was doing (and of course he was lying about stuff). He does not seem to take any responsibility for what is going on. He had an affair, like so.

Anyway can this still be fog?? It has been 8 weeks since first DDay but then he talked to her Tuesday. Is it a good sign that he has not followed through (even though everytime I talk to him he says he is going to file)?? His friend told me he thought WH was just confused and did not know what he wanted and this was the most unhappy he has ever seen my WH.

Faithfull,

I would go into the best plan A you can muster. Stop all questioning, relationship talk, no begging, no pleading, just be as pleasant as possible when you talk to him. No disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts. And no chasing or calling him up.

I am sure he felt like he was being harrassed at home from the sounds of it. So the idea is to attract him back. Next time you talk to him, tell him that you are sorry you made it so hard for him and understand that he is in a terrible quandry and will back off. And don't say anything more about the situation.

I think that he probably feels very torn right now because he has lost the OW and doesn't feel like he has a safe harbor with you. If you back off and do the best Plan A you can, it might just attract him back to you.

P.S. Where does he live now? Have you made any plans to move away from your house? I suspect that your marriage will never recover if you live next door to the OW. This is probably why he has never withdrawn.

Does the OW's husband know about this affair? Has he been told?

My WH is living with his sister right now because he can't afford an apartment yet. I have not made plans to move from my house. I am afraid to sell it in case he is truly going to be done. It is my home.

I think he did feel harrassed at home and I am going to stop calling him and questioning him. I pray he will come around. Is it possible that this is all fog talk?? He is still confused??? Can it still turn around??

PS OW husband has been told and they are working out their problems.

Also how do I treat my WH during this time?? Do I still tell him I love him or not push him at all?? I don't want to push him any farther away but I want him to know that I still love him and believe in us.

Yes there is still lots of hope. Your WH is still in the fog. Next time you hear from him, Plan A him. Coming back to the marriage has to look inviting. I would not talk about your relationship at all.

In the meantime, try to work on yourself, and make your home a warm and safe place. You will get stronger and be better able to deal with this.

Hang in there, and stick with us, we will help you get through this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithfullogan:
<strong>

Also how do I treat my WH during this time?? Do I still tell him I love him or not push him at all?? I don't want to push him any farther away but I want him to know that I still love him and believe in us. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">faithfull,

He already knows that you love him and doesn't want to hear it. Like you said in your earlier thread:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says it pushes him farther away by me always telling him it can work and that I love him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't push him away anymore. Just follow the suggestions I gave in my post above. No lovebusters.

And you probably will truly be done if you DON'T sell your house. If he comes back, you are going to have to deal with this over and over again.

And yes, I do think you can recover from this if you play it smart and attract him back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithfullogan:
<strong> PS OW husband has been told and they are working out their problems.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did the OWH tell you with his own lips that he knows?

FL,

An MBer who has been following your story mentioned your account to me yesterday. At this point for you, know that others here care and will try to help. ML is a great gal. Work with her suggestions.

Here are a few more:

1. Your H feels dumped. Due to the A, he does not want to take responsibility for being dumped even if it is the right thing to do. So he will blame the closest person and you were picked (most BS are).

If your H did the dumping you might be dealing with a slightly different scenario but it would still be frustrating for you.

2. Knowing above, it is critical you plan correctly. Limit the ILY's to your H. He knows that and right now that irritates him. When he 'threatens you with D paperwork or tries to get you to D him', leave the convo. Don't engage in that type of discussion. Let him know that right now you are not strong enough to handle that type of talk.

3. Don't educate him. When he has a question, he will seek you out. For now he needs distance because he knows he isn't good company. You can view it as a WS who starts to smell a foul because of the A. He doesn't want to bath in recovery so he will begin to smell, even to himself. Don't give him the tools to clean himself. He doesn't want to clean up.....yet.

4. Just keep the tools handy. Learn how to use them so you will be ready.

5. You work on strengthening you. The rough ride is still ahead but you will be able to navigate better if you learn how to use plan A and B better.

6. Realize that you don't need to be a doormat for abuse. Learn to identify abuse vs a cry for help. It is important that you are not manipulated into enabling the A,. Some BS get sucked into this when plan A is carried on for too long.

7. Identify your personal boundaries and why they are important to you. Learn how to enforce them. Learn the risks and advantages of implementing those boundaries. You will find these boundaries may change as you improve. Eventually it will settle to a 'few' permanent boundaries. It is those boundaries that you need to focus on and work on a personal recovery plan.

8. After you identify your personal boundaries, step back and see if your WS can work with it. If he can't? Plan B may be needed. If he can, plan A may help. Now it would depend on the WS turning into a spouse or being an xspouse.

Hope this helps.

L.

Thanks for the great suggestions. Yes the OWH told me about the affair with his own mouth. He actually called me Tuesday to tell me that my WS had called his wife. His wife told my husband that he hopes he is not getting a divorce on her account because she is staying in her marriage.

I am sure he is going through withdraw and hurt right now because of what OW has done. It is so hard to hear over and over again that we are done. I will stick with your suggestions and see what happens.

So ML you think the next time I talk to him I should tell him I am sorry for pushing him and I realize he is confused and I will back off??

He wants me to change all of our household bills over into my name because he is going to get an apartment. One of the suggestions was to tell him I can't deal with this kinda of talk right now. Do I just nicely go along with what he wants because I am in Plan A?

FL, yes, I would just tell him that you are sorry for putting so much pressure on him and that you understand he is under duress right now. Avoid any relationship talk. Try and sound as upbeat as you can and don't ask him to come home or what he is doing.

As far as putting the bills in your name, I would not do that. Plan A doesn't mean that you do whatever they want to your own detriment. I would just politely explain that you are not ready for that step and try to change the subject. Avoid this at all costs, ok?

I am VERY glad that you are in touch with the OWH and that they are working on their marriage. Is he keeping an eye on her to make sure she is being honest?

Thanks Orchid <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

OWH is keeping a very close eye on OW. I know he had a camera set up in their house for one thing so he is really keeping a good eye on stuff.

I don't know if I can get out of the bill thing. He wanted me to switch the cell phone out of his name today. I told him I was busy today and could not do it until next weekend. If he brings it up I will tell him I am not ready to think about that stuff yet and see what happens. I think he will just do it himself but I don't know.

I pray that there is still time to save this thing. I am going to need all the strength I can come up with in order to back off of him. I very much want my marriage.

PS Orchid or ML can you or someone explain more about boundaries. You said to set boundaries and stick to them but I am not sure what boundaries to set or even how to enforce them:)

Don't give up hope. My WH tells me our relationship is hopeless. I found about the A on Jan. 7th of this year, he moved out March 4th.

I wish I knew about this board before he moved out. I too, brought up the relationship when he was still living at home. Telling him I "I Love him" or "I can't live without him, or "My life is worthless without you"

Since he left, I have done a lot of reading and joined this board. When he calls I never bring up our relationship or the OW. I don't even say "I Love You"

I don't know how religious you are, but I do a lot of praying. I'm trying to put all my trust in the Lord. I know I have to find strength, I still do cry alot.

I'm trying to work on myself, that's all we can do. We can't change our WH situation, just ours. I do believe in my marriage and I hope all statistics are true; that A don't usually last.

Many people will tell you to move on, I personally don't listen to them. I'm not giving hope, I just have to learn to be patient.

Hang in there.

HD2

Thanks for your encouragement. Many people do tell me to give up but I still love my husband and believe in our marriage. I am very religious and I pray about this every single day. My WH used to be very involved in our church as was OW but he has stopped attending and is not very close with God right now. I belive that is out of guilt.

I hope all these statistics are true as well and that there is hope. I am moving on in the sense that I am going to focus on changing myself right now and pray he sees the good in me.

Patience is my biggest problem as well. I can hardly stop myself from begging him to work on us and give up on his feelings for OW. I need to just start posting here when I get those urges to push him to far...

It looks like we are both new to this. Its been a difficult 2004, I wish we could turn back time.

I'm glad that you pray. My WH is a Promise Keeper. We haven't gone to church for awhile because of our busy schedules, but I wanted to start going again when I realized my marriage was in trouble and we needed to get God back in our lives. But he refused.

I guess we have to work on ourselves. Make ourselves attractive for our WH to come home, I'm not speaking physically (even though it wouldn't hurt) but emotionally.

The pain is unbearable. Never give up hope, because if you don't fight for your marriage you will never know if it could have worked out.

After doing a lot of reading I realized we have to be perfect. We have to watch what we say, do and act. We have to be flawless.

I also notice you mention your H saying "I love you, but not in love you" What does that really mean, anyway?

The hardest part is not letting our emotions get in the way and be patient.

HD2,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also notice you mention your H saying "I love you, but not in love you" What does that really mean, anyway?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well lots of people say it is fog talk but my husband claims that he loves me because I am the mother of his kids and that he cares for me but he is not "in love" with me. The OW made him feel so good and special about himself. He has never been happier than when he was with her. All fog talk I think but of course I am new at this.

Hang in there and stay close to God. I had also stopped going to church for awhile because it was difficult for me to go back to the place that held so many memories (of my husband and OW) but I went back this morning and it felt great.

It takes patience and working on ourselves. I am struggling right now to know how much to move on and how much to hang on. Orchid had said to create boundaries but I am not quite sure what boundaries to set and how to stick to them. Any information or suggestions on boundaries would be great.

FF, I am not sure what Orchid meant specifically by that so I will have to let her explain.