I am in a 22 year old marriage with first husband. I feel lonely so much in this marriage i would be better off single. My husband talks about his work, the dog, the kids, and what will we buy next for the house. Watches tv, eats mints, leave housework, feeding everyone to me. I work full-time cook, clean meet everyones needs, and all i want is to laugh a little, not feel like everything he does is out of obligation or guilt, no affection, sex im lucky if i get it 3 times a month. the dogs get touch more that i do. i am trying to be faithful, especiaally since there is a guy at my job who would love to give me attention. I know right and wrong. I made comments to him in the last 3 years about getting some counseling. He has had an emotional affair even though he would not admit it, just friends and work related he says. I have been totally faithful although i have had plenty opportunity. i believe i love my husband , don't believe in the back door out. Somehow God appears to be removed from the threesome and i sometimes don't think that we can make it. He goes on as if things are great. And i've stopped talking about how i feel with him. I've prayed and given him to the lord but it doesn't make the loneliness any better. Please talk me out of finding a male who is just as lonely as i am on-line, I've read some of the stories, but i don't know if i can wait till he comes around. I know i have my faults but i am a good, attractive after 6 kids, smart, work hard woman. Please reply.

Eeek! Welcome to marriagebuilders. You must tell your husband what is going on with you. Otherwise you may fall into an A.

Hi, welcome to MB.

Doesn't sound to me like you need to be talked out of having an affair. You already know right and wrong.

That being said, there is no reason for you to accept unhappiness in your marriage. You have emotional needs (a big term on this site) that are not being met. And I figure that now, before it's too late, would be a good time to go about learning how to have them met.

Read all you can on this site, particularily about 'emotional needs' and the 'love bank'.

Think about fixing your marriage rather than preventing yourself from destroying what's left of it.

dewt

ive tried in so many ways. I've asked about the sex thing, says he is tired, Asked for help around the house lasts about 2 weeks back to normal. Shared how it feels for him give dogs more affection than me. It all goes unheard. I have asked to stop working ,because i am burnt out with all the responsibilities, he brings home another job listing from his job. I read power of a praying wife, so you can see i dont want to go there. No laughter or fun, no friends, Godly christian ones, I hate TV, Despise dog, and it kills me inside to see him so into other things besides improving our marriage. I did telll him the other night if he is unhappy in the marriage i would allow him to leave, I dont know any other way to do this i have read alot of the information on the site.

I guess im trying to find out what i am or have done wrong in my marriage. I want to change if there is something i need to change.

Sandra, no one can talk you out of anything here. It's your job to control yourself, not ours. You are a big girl, if you are big enough to live with the consequences, then go for it.

But I think you will be sorely disappointed. An affair is just as lonely as a bad marriage, except you LOSE your self respect in the bargain. Right now you are just LONELY. But you can compound the pain with a loss of self respect if you want to have an affair. Do you want your children to find out and look at you with contempt and disgust? Talk about pain. That is about as painful as it gets right there.

I would print out your post and take it to this sleeping giant you are married to. I would then run to the bookstore and get His Needs/Her Needs by Willard HArley. Take the emotional needs questionaires and find out what your needs and his needs are.

Learn how to meet each others needs and fall in love again. It can be done. Maybe there is more you can do to meet his needs to make him WANT to meet your needs? You will never know unless you try.

Don't sell your self respect for a deal with the devil, your entire family will pay. And for what? So that you won't "feel" lonely?

Sandra, what kinds of things are you doing to make him FEEL affectionate towards you? What kinds of things do you do to attract him sexually?

God only knows that i don't want to go there. I have read his needs, her needs, i try always to make deposits, phone calls, admit when i am wrong, serve him even after a long day of work, i do it all. I try to tell him im lonely, hurt by the way our marriage is going, i try to forget about the past, move past it. How do i get these needs met, i try to talk to him but he wont talk about feelings. Feel like im nagging him to listen so stop trying.

I was thinking that all this time i thought i had this marriage thing figured out. James says let patience have her perfect works, I keep saying this as well as my expectations are not in man but in God, but its hard when you are in church and couples around you, men are holding wifes hand or arm around them and you and h are sitting there like friends. That's a killer for a woman.

Mel that was a great answer. FC, sounds like your H needs a gigantic wake up call. If a print-out of this thread doesn't get him reading His Needs, Her Needs then I'd recommend a legal separation.

Why?

Because you are at the end of your rope. And he needs to know what life without you in it would really be like. I know others will blast me here, saying you should imiplement a solid Plan A first, but you sound really exasperated and you have tried over and over to get him to see the pain you are in.

Read up on this site about Plan A and Plan B. Give it a shot.

As for an affair. Don't, don't, don't, don't. The worst thing you can do to your spouse is have an affair and it rarely is the solution to your problems. Like Mel said, you will only lose your self-respect. If you truly find someone else who you think can meet your needs, get divorced first and start any new relationship "in the clear".

But I am hoping your husband wakes up long before that could happen.

~ Snow

Just read your last post. Sounds like you have been Plan A-ing your little heart out.

I hope you husband wakes up soon.

Praying for both of you...

~ Snow

I feel what you are saying and know that it is right, but he was not thinking of me or our children when he was having an emotional affair with this woman. When i confronted him he always said it was work related, however the phone calls were made from home at times when i was not home i got the phone bill when he was away out of town. 29 calls, one while i was in evening service waiting for him to show, asked what went wrong, stated he had fell asleep, was talking to her. I spoke to her and asked her what kind of woman would involve herself with a married man, she told me to ask my husband. Thats exactly whom i am thinking of is my kids.

Which is why ive continued to pray will fill those places of loneliness in my heart. I read everybook that i can. i ran off a lot of the information on this site and began a book of my own of marriage information. I don't know what to do with the loneliness, we were always affectionate in the beginning. I suppose just learning to accept it. Please give me advice how to feel that void.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by forevercommitted:
<strong> God only knows that i don't want to go there. I have read his needs, her needs, i try always to make deposits, phone calls, admit when i am wrong, serve him even after a long day of work, i do it all. I try to tell him im lonely, hurt by the way our marriage is going, i try to forget about the past, move past it. How do i get these needs met, i try to talk to him but he wont talk about feelings. Feel like im nagging him to listen so stop trying.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You talk alot about your needs. What are HIS top 5 needs?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by forevercommitted:
<strong> I feel what you are saying and know that it is right, but he was not thinking of me or our children when he was having an emotional affair with this woman. When i confronted him he always said it was work related, however the phone calls were made from home at times when i was not home i got the phone bill when he was away out of town. 29 calls, one while i was in evening service waiting for him to show, asked what went wrong, stated he had fell asleep, was talking to her. I spoke to her and asked her what kind of woman would involve herself with a married man, she told me to ask my husband. Thats exactly whom i am thinking of is my kids.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does he still see or talk to her? How long ago did this happen?

mel

Some of the things i do is make sure he doesnt have to stress over things with children, i get up early to get younger daughter ready so that alll he has to do is get himself ready, cook, clean, laundry, even after i have workd all day i cook meal have served him, give small gifts, give compliments about his looks, touch him affectionately or try to everyday, he pushes me away with his excuses, so i back off. Call on the cell phone to say nice things. The things i do sexually are by sexier nightclothes. Tough him, told him when i pray for him during the day, just thinking aboout him makes me excited.

Sometimes after a long day at work, just can't wait to come home to him i sometimes call him to take me away from my job. I haveeeeeeee tried to tell him. One thing that has happened is my self esteem has shot up, I dont blame myself like i did before with the woman. I did tell him once that any woman friend of his is a friend of mine, so i want to meet this woman. I'm really trying to give him to the lord, but i think im picking him back up...........

FC, are those his needs or are those things you THINK are his needs? Has he taken the emotional needs questionaires?

What about this OW? Are they still in contact? Can he invite her over for dinner so you can all be "friends?"

this happened about two and a half years ago. I would not know if it is still going on because even though theres no calls on his cell phone, he could also communicate by email. I dont have access to his email. I have heard it should never be a secret for the wife. Yes, when it was going on i would check his cell phone. and each time there was her phone number. When confronted he would say nothing, i listen to hiim talk about his job, encourage him to be the best he can, i have stopped expecting him to hear me and i dont even talk about my work. Yes i would like to hear a compliment every once in a while, but why should i have to ask for it. I do meet that need by telling myself that i am a beautifull person in the morning or when im dressed pretty well. I can tell you when i meet his needs it is from the heart. I tell you he is a hardworking, attractive man, i think i most fear that God is not first in our lives like he used to be, I've been asking him to pray with me, Our sunday school teacher encourages this. I dont know what will wake him up, I dont.

FC,

Has he taken the emotional needs questionaire? What are HIS top 5 needs? Sometimes we think we are meeting their needs when we are missing the mark by meeting what we GUESS are their needs.

Are they still in contact? Do you think he is having an affair?

<small>[ May 02, 2004, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

i asked him to take a test simular to the test , first i had to plead with him, i would love for him to take the one i ran off this site. i have asked him to read many books with me. and by himself, he was given power of praying husband by me, and for better or best by sunday school teacher, brought a marriage without regrets, read for 1 week, i ended up reading it myself. Please understand im not trying to give up. Invested a lot into this marriage to give it to some bimble in missouri to have who probaly has nothing to lose.

Have you read the book His Needs/Her Needs? You talk about all these things you do FOR him, but then on the other hand you dismiss his likes as toomanylies pointed out. Are you pushing your own agenda with him?

i have gotten involved in what he does like. i hear what you are sayng, Maybe it is me. I have got into tv, the dog, etc. I guess im wrong for wanting him to do just the same for me. Thanks i hear what you are saying.