Ok guys , I posted alot the past month or so , I know most have read and responded to the APPEARANCE EN and I thank you all for your insight and opoins .

Now I need to get real , There is an issue left with me and H that I FEEL IS the HOLE recovery BUMP the BUMP into the HOLE M.

Alot of this may be a guessing game so bare with me I do know this man well . And anything I say is not an EXCUSE just the facts .

FIRST IC or MC is out
Next H will not read here much almost not at all .

I had him read some post when I thought it MIGHT hit home but NO , it didn't work .

And last do I think CONTACT MAY still be around well not 100% of a gut feeling , but that could be my feeling if things aren't working the way I think they should (know what I mean)

BACK round about sex , H always I mean always wanted and yes I would say NO more often then he would have liked ,,, BUT 3,4 times a wk was the norm . And yes sometimes I would BI#%# about it .

He would want it no matter what , on the way out the door to a party and be late , while kids where awake and in the house, and just about anytime we fought (witch was verbaly abusive ) so I would get angry in these issueations .

making love to him I enjoyed but wished it could be MORE ,, you know wilder, ect.

OK moving forward alittle , I GAINED ALOT ALOT of wreight with each baby , first one didn't seem to be a proplem he still initated sex often , nest baby #2 right before I got pregnant I was loosing the weight FINNALLY ,, BUT we where going through he!! with money and had to move in with my MOM in her home ,,, BUT ok sex was still there OFTEN,, BABY comes ,, weight on ,,, then H gets great job very happy ,,,weight on again ,,, sex still ok

RIGHT before we move into OUR new home things get weird ,,,

FF - we move in things even stranger no sex wks go by ,,,, THEN months ..... MY MOM DIES and then M ... NO sex 2 yrs NONE nothing ...

I suspected A and was always told I should be locked up I was crazy ..

NOW he was gone with OW over 8 MONTHS ,,, blah blah

NOW home 2yrs 4 months ,,, CONTACT was only in place since JUNE 03 (almost 11mon.)
SEX was coming along some what slow ,, in the beging ,contact, work stress, working on PRE A issues , FOG , WITHDRAWL

BUT we where getting there I thought anyway ,, 2,3 times a wk.

NOW its stoping the past 3or 4 months its no where 1or 2 times a MONTH ..

What have I done well ,,,,

I tryed in the beging to initate I got rejected to much every attempt ,, HEAD ACHE , to fat still , (him and me) , work is stress ful , to tired,, ect. LETS cuddle instead ...also to old sex drive dies .(HA HA )

All his words and excuses .

I went from ,, ok what ever to accuseing him of screwing the HO again ,,,

I talked, I cryed, I expressed the EN , I expressed the concern that M will fail if he doesn't tell me the reason for it .

HE sometimes says well I don't know maybe we switched places ,, I am like you where .

I asked if he was getting even for the times I rejected him ,, HE says no , I asked if OW was that good and cause our SEX life wasn't ever wild or anything that he is having a hard time ,,, he tells me NO , I am an A$$ for saying that ..

HE WON"T talk about it AT ALL ,, I mean NO talikng ,, like hes this OLD person from the 20's who finds it embarissing .

I asked if I turn him on , he says sometimes , but mostly hes not in the MOOD to tired and it takes to much effort <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

NOW it is weird that I always want it , ever since I lost weight and the A happened I relized how important it was to him ... I even told him before coming home that he could not if SEX was not going to be a huge part in our M . I wanted a better sex life , he knew this .

And I waited through everything ,,, N/C,, withdrawl (even though he says he had none) , work , he lost weight , and I am trying my HARDEST the past couple of wks on MY BOBY lost 7lbs to date and am weight lifting and dieting like crazy .. He sees me getting up at 5;30 am to do this program I am on and not eating anything baqd for me I am living on water ...

WHAT do I do keep trying and getting rejected ?
WHEN I have family watch kids I try for the over night thing and most of the time he says no we can pick them up .... and if we don't he either says he is sick all night before we get home or falls asleep right away .

We have been arguing the past month over this and I personally think other things that he is doing on purpose so that he uses the excuse we are fighting so I am not in the MOOD (him not me)

If ya just had an A with a 27yr and sex everynight (I talked to her) how did ya get OLD NOW

sorry I got interupted,

I want to add I think H knows this will keep the A alive for me ... I need this intamacy with my HUSBAND inorder for the A to start fading for me .

With out this I know I will always think he loves OW , was better in BED with him , and that he is here for all the reasons I would despise....
KIDS, money, family , and embaresment .

I am scared , I mean if I was going to start over again dating I wanted it to have been by now .

Another words if he would not have come back when he did that is what I was prepared to do .

WAS I wrong to denie him back then ,,, YES , and I have admitted that and explained that I loved the attention but he never made me feel that it was about US , that he was just horney all the time and it hurt .

I do not belive a M can make it without a wonderful sex life . And in my situation I know that if he isn't the way he was before the A I will never have had my HUSBAND that I fell in love with fully back with me .

I fear his heart is not here . I explained to him I haven't MADE A MOVE on him because the rejection was killing me ,, he said , don't I am not in those moods anyway . When I am I'll let ya know .

So I am ready willing ,, and what even if I am not I could never say so .
He keeps insisting this is not a big part of anything .

Does he think if he does this it will prove to me him and OW didn't ,,, well its not I spoke to her I know my H ,, she explained his every action in regards to that perfectly things I would only know .. So the lieing about that is stupid on his part .

AND he knows eventually I will start snooping again and if he gets court IT will be the end of him and HER .

I have to much and know to many that can very easaly ruin there lives ..

JOBS , HOMES and I will do it this time if I am lied to ..

Also he knows me all I want is the trueth ,, If he is in contact with her I will let him go ,, I never was agaist that ..

I want him to be happy and if thats with her fine no sweat ,, I am a big girl $hit happens .

I just don't wnat the lie and the cover up crap that is childish .

WHAT do I do , cause I am running out of paciance

I had to much of that for 17months of contact at home .. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hi 3

I am not much on the advice column here. But I do want to say I hear ya.

I am not, I repeat not trying to scare you. My WH and I had a false recovery and it sounded a lot like what you are going through right now. I was initiating it every single night, he would come home and sneak into bed quietly so we didn't have SF.

He was still seeing OW after work. Just be careful. Really, really careful. Watch, look, learn. Ask PEP or ARK, or LostBird would be a good one as a WS for advice. It just sounds too much like contact has happened again to me. Either that or he really needs counseling big time. Let me know what happens.

HINY

bump

3

Ask ISGirl, she is LB wife. She might be able to give you some good help.

HINY

Hmmmmmmmmm, there is a lot to concider here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

H's and my Sex life was a bit odd after D/D also. Hmmmmm....my drive increased/his decreased also.

I think it was because it was "guilt reminder"....for him???
And for me, It was pride....I'm better in bed than O/W.

To be honest.........it is now going on 7 mos. since D/D and our sex life is WONDERFUL!!!!

Don't give up hope, I think the WS has a lot of "pictures in their heads" and resuming a positive sex life does eventually "fade those pictures"...

I have no clue what my H's OW even looks like, nor do I want to know.

My mom told me "they (OT) usually are not what you picture as the BS. Usually fat and ugly! LOL

Anyhow, hang in there!
Blessings,
Atruheart

thamks for the reponses NY, I am thinking false recovery but don't want to use that as an excuse .
AH- my H's xow is younger, skinner, prettier.

I know I saw the HO ! Fat and ugly would have been a blessing LOL

Thanks for trying guys , this seems to be a very large problem for me .

I wouldn't know if contact was started the most it could be is a phone call here and there .
But that would be enough to send him into depression .

He will never confess if thats the case , I still know hes never "GOTTIN IT"

He would think freindship kept from me is ok , and always had the mentality if I don't know and can't PROVE it then he isn't guilty .

I also do not know if I have it in me to wait and see anymore .I do know what I want out of M , what my needs are and am very focused on the fact that I been through to much to settle for anything less .

I am a firm beliver in not settling unless you want to ,,

I can't wait for him anymore .

I am giving this till our 1yr mark in JUNE when N/C was supposed to have taken place then I will need to make him here me , that I no longer want this M ,,, because I feel he is in love with OW and has done nothing to convince me other wise .

I need this from him in order to recover.

I need the affection, attention , the sweet words, the Making love in order to feel close to him . I need all of these things , I don' t need a dad home for my kids , and I don't care anymore about loosing my home .

I care about me being satisfied , I want to be loved in the way I deserve ro be ,

My H has always known for me to be there through anything , and suck it up even it it meant forgoing my own happyness ..

well I had lived that to long and now I can not .

I made that clear (or

3,

OK hun, you have brought me out of lurkdom once again to reply to your post.

I might tell you this is special as I have been down with intense intestinal flu for 3 days now. Feeling well enough to post you. Not really, just lurking, but hey, it's YOU 3. LOL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway, three things come to mind.

First of all, you are not getting your EN's met.
First , you are not getting your SF need filled. Big LB withdrawl. Have you told H?

Plus, if you are under the gun to supply that PA need for H when you have lost 75 POUNDS!!!! OH MY GOSH, and only have 15 more to go, you are not getting any of your ADMIRATION needs met. Kudos to you girl, you have done so well. I am so mad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> that this is being held over you like a gun to your head!!!

Second, have you thought about the 180 thing? Do your own thing?

Third, if you have a gut feeling about contact, why are you not snooping? I mean, if you are not wanting the marriage anymore if this continues, then why not do a little investigating to see what the truth really is if you think there is contact going on?

Sorry, but you guys are too young to have your H with such a lack of interest in SF. Then again, it could be your H has more guilt than he admits to, and it could be effecting him in the SF department.

Who knows? All I know is you are still struggling. I know it takes awhile, up to 2 years for full recovery, hey look at me, 3 1/2 and I still go thru it!!! Don't sell yourself short.

You are worthy, you deserve better than what your H is giving you. He just sounds a bit narcissistic to me. You H needs to get over himself.

Sorry to be hard on your h, but you have been thru so much and done so much for your FWS and deserve better. Don't mean to put him down. Maybe I am just sick and angry for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Mostly, ((((((hugs)))))) to you. Love ya.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I totally agree with all of that. You do deserve to have some of your ENs met. I would do some talking this weekend for sure.

HINY

Ok MissM ,,, so sorry you are feeling under the weather and I had to drag your BUTT to this post LOL TU <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SO you asked if I told him my needs for SF was not being meet ? HONEY I said that in the beging , I have told, talked, cryed, begged ...
ANS he11 I've laid there with my legs parted like the SEA and reintroduced "MY SELF " and said , there someone down here who misses YOU ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> LOL

SO hows that for making sure he knows I NEED alittle ! LOL

I'm telling you I got to take this on the road and open up some stand up comedy act I am getting kind of funny if I do say so myself . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

YES been thinking of the 180 thing , and as far as snooping well I do all the usual , PHONES, beepers, PC, .AWHILE back I posted that I checked out the JOB area no luck HE was no where near her .

The only thing I am thinking is phone contact , but that would take hiring a PI for out going calls from the land line phone in the OFFICE and money being what it is , well thats hard one .

I am trying to not let the FEAR factor thing take over , ya know the one that says if its not working then its contact ..(MAKE SENSE)

ALSO don't get carried away here I lost 55 lbs when he came home bringing me to 120 (5'4) .
I gained 22lbs since then (142) I have now lost 7 lbs since this program I am on . (135)

GOAL WEIGHT is 120 and of course the TONEING MUSCLES ( so I am not JIGGLING as he would say)

HE says last night when I tryed to appraoch this again that ,,, HE is just depressed about JOB (new owners and the company may cut back ALOT ) He may be gone in the next 2 wks or so .

WE ahve no money at all , and ALOT ALOT of charge dept , with very big mort. payment (in part, thanks to the A mind you ) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I asked very nicely , if this has anything to do with OW ? anything . answer NO .
I asked if he may feel guilty about the sex between them that it is interfering with ours ,,,answer NEVER !

HE was calm , and answered everything , he said , I want to say this for the last time ...

OW meant nothing , I just wanted to help another and got to rapped up in to it and it escalated , things where BAD here always fighting and you looked horriable , I wanted to just take my mind off of these problems and through myself into OTHERS and they came full circle to bite me in the A$$ . Also I in no way want or ever want contact with OW ever again , I do not think of her ever or wonder about her , nor do I even care anymore whats become of her ,, I feel I did my best to help her .

I then explained to him that the need to get past the A hinders alot on the actions such as SF to make me feel more confident that he is not with OW or speacking to OW .

He said, I don't agree with SF being needed that much in the M ,, cause after all if I was paralized or something and was unable to does that mean you would not have a great M with me ?

I told him thats a cop out and thats not the situation and that sounds like another excuse to not have SF for probble other resaons that he is to scared to share .

HE says he will try harder ,, but with all the $hit going on wioth job, money and with me bringing OW up alot its very hard for him to want that .(SF)

So BS a mile HIGH ???? who the heck knows .

OK I will let ya breath now LOL

HINY - thanks for posting girl !
If this is ongoing contact well , I got not much of a chose but to play it out turn it to GID and pray that IT comes out .
I have been through he11 and back with this situation for the past 3yrs I have played detective and that consumed me . And they only get smarter anyway . I mean my H was stupid , so I know he would be real carful this time around .

I would only find out now with dum luck .

OK got to go !