my wife of 16 years had affaire,says she dosen't want divorce and going to counseling but says it's to fix her first, before marriage can be fix, says she loves me, but we had a big fight last night and went to his house last night says she going there so house money is not used.called and said she would be back to night. my question is am i being played the fool thanks Scott

set your W is still in contact with the OM? This is not good she needs to write a no contact letter to the OM (other man) that is to the point, something like this.


I am recomitting to my marriage and there is to be no further contact between you and I.

Yes it has to be cut and dry and to the point.

Nothing like I'm sorry to hurt you or anything like that.

Get the book Surviving an Affair and read it and get your W to read it if you can. Read here and learn.

Hey. Welcome to MB. Sorry about the circumstances that brought you here, but here you will find tools and support to get you through this.

Follow the link in my signature line to get a good overview of the site, it's principles and general stuff to get you started.

dewt

Hello,

You can't be serious. Your wife has an affair and tells you she wants to stay married and loves you.
You get into a fight and she goes to spend the entire night with the OM and tells you she did it to save house money? This is so ludicrous. She must absolutely think you must be brain dead.
She spends the night sleeping with the OM in order to save house money and this proves her love for you? How amazingly disrespectful and humiliating she is to you. How do you think she would have reacted if the roles had been reversed?
I spent the night with my lover to save us house money.....Oh Please! Unbelievable

Hello,

You can't be serious. Your wife has an affair and tells you she wants to stay married and loves you.
You get into a fight and she goes to spend the entire night with the OM and tells you she did it to save house money? This is so ludicrous. She must absolutely think you must be brain dead.
She spends the night sleeping with the OM in order to save house money and this proves her love for you? How amazingly disrespectful and humiliating she is to you. How do you think she would have reacted if the roles had been reversed?
I spent the night with my lover to save us house money.....Oh Please! Unbelievable

Nice replies... But what you all need to remember when you do reply, is understand there is two sides to every situation, and you have heard just one.
If i was to tell mine, you might think a tad different. I am not here to drag my dirt in the forum, for everyone to see.
In no way will i try to condone what I have done, but I wont sit idley by and allow a halo thats non-existant to be shinned.
In the counciling I have had and in the material on this site,Affairs happen for a reason, right wrong or indifferent.

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: Betty aka first wife ]</small>

Betty,

I'm sorry that you are so angry .. and while yes there are two sides to every story.. the person who has an affair get's 5% percent more of the blame than the BS.

Very few of us have halos, I certianly don't .. but the pain a BS is in -- none understand except those who have been there.

Whatever the reason for having an A -- in 99.5% of the cases it is not justifiable (added in difference to FH, and others about my sitch).

If you are "I will be o k's" spouse .. welcome .. but you need to allow him the space and a place to vent, get support and get through what he needs to get through. Just as you will need space.

Do not chase him here or bully his threads (you can put up your own). IF you do (and you are his spouse) you will find things very unwelcoming here. IF you can respect his space, as we will insist that he respect yours, you wil find everyone of great assistance to you both.

way2

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 08:11 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

okay that's wierd .. my computer gave me a different date for these then I now see they were .. but it all holds true.

but now I'm a little red faced

Welcome Betty, I hope that the two of you are able to find some help in restoring your marriage.

Let me clear up for you, definatively, the reason why you had the affair. You chose to have the affair.

Now, before you explode in a shower of indignation..let me clarify..your marital issues and your affair are not one and the same. You are both responsible for your marriage and the state it has been in..you alone are responsible for going outside of your marriage.

To assert that you are spending any amount of time with your lover or former lover for any reason is absurd and extremely counter productive to say the least. You will gain no ground in your marriage if you continue to seek relief outside of it. Write a no contact letter..that is your first step.

No one has suggested that your spouse is perfect while you are flawed..no one would believe such a statement. This is your pride speaking. Any attempt to justify your affair is ridiculous, especially on the grounds that your spouse is in some way inadequate. If that were the case you would have left him, not maintained the benefits of your marriage while seeking your pleasure elsewhere. If this is what you have come up with via counsel..seek new counsel. If you are seeking genuinely to restore your marriage, and to bolster the weak areas to avoid future situations such as these, then you are going to have to get real with yourself and real with your husband..this means no more contact of any sort with the other man, no more running away, no more easy fixes. Good luck and sorry for the harsh entry...with some real determination the future really can be brighter for you both, but never while trying to justify what is inherently unjust. Noodle

Thanks for the replies, and for the record, i know affairs are wrong.I was angry that SET had posted our life on here, and i reacted.I was trying to make a point that on the majority of this baord you hear one side of each story.
I have been in counciling for months now, and we just started couples counciling.What i have learned is that failed or failing marriages are not the responsiblity of one but of both spouses.

<small>[ September 04, 2004, 08:55 AM: Message edited by: Betty aka first wife ]</small>