I won’t go back on the 6 mos. Of hell I’ve endured, but suffice to say I’ve been doing an impromptu plan A since Nov. I found MB last month and have been refining my techniques since then. Prior I took everything my WW said at face value. Now I take it all with a grain of salt…….but it’s hard. I also was taking the high road and saying I will not expose this affair for fear of poisoning my wife and children’s relationship and that of the OM and his children’s. I thought I could fix this with an honest effort. Surely my WW would see the folly of her actions….wouldn’t she? I’ve since bought into the exposure theory. Especially since my wife says she wants a divorce and is going to marry this man. Where’s my megaphone.

So I finally call the OMW the other day. The one that is separated from the OM, the one that is agreeing to an amicable divorce….or so my wife thinks. She was very appreciative as she didn’t know they were separated. They have an abysmal marriage, she agrees, and were talking of a separation, but hubby hangs his hat there every night, albeit in another room and bed. She wants to be married and work on things, even get counseling. OM says: “What could an MC know that I don’t?” You see OM is an accomplished physician, fixed wing pilot, rotary wing pilot etc. etc.

She spoke to me for 2 Hrs. I confirmed a lot of the suspicions about her husband as of late. The thong underwear in the luggage for instance. GRRRRRRRRRR. The new T-shirt he was wearing about the same time WW came back from Mexico. GRRRRRRRRR X 2. She says she will be having a little chat with hubby soon. I was sure to say I hope they can use this as an opportunity to rebuild their marriage and directed her to this site.

So OMW calls today….says that OM admits to a roll in the hay with WW in March, but that was it….nothing more. Says I’m a desperate husband with a grudge. OK he’s half right.

I almost fell over as the evidence is so overwhelming and I’ve had it flaunted in my face for months. I give her access code to WW voice mail so she can enjoy OM expressing his love to WW. I also E-mailed a copy of my WW flight itinerary to the east coast with OM for her reading enjoyment.

So WW comes home to see the kids for a little while. I can tell she is aware of my efforts and is a tad perturbed at my meddling. When I inform her that the OM is not separated she counters with a well thought out “is too”. When I inform her that OMW knows nothing of the “amicable divorce” she comes back with a “does so” I inform her that the OM does not admit to having a serious relationship with you let alone being in love. She says that he admitted everything to his wife. OK…..howzabout you call the OMW…here’s the number. “Uh……no……..I don’t think so. She can call me.” Ok I say as I know she plans on it.

Then she goes at me with “All you’re doing is causing a lot of grief in someone else’s life, and the relationship between him and his sons!” I scream inside with “Maybe dad should have thought about that before he had you riding the hobby horse in some cheap hotel!” It actually came out as “I’m sorry you see it that way.” I further went on to say I loved her and remain hopeful that we can rebuild our marriage. “Hah” WW says, “even if it doesn’t work out I wouldn’t come back to you!” “Ouch” I think, and pray that was the fog talking. She followed that up with “Our children and I are going to climb that mountain together to find my true happiness.” ????????????? Oh yeah, “and stay the @##%$ out of my private E-mail account!!”

I told her that I hope that she will find her happiness with whatever happened and told her I am prepared to walk the road alone, but would prefer to do it as a family. She looked at me like I was a band-aid found in her salad. She also has firm plans to see a lawyer and move into another house on May 18. I agreed to give her half the equity in our home several months ago. A moment of uneducated weakness, I admit.

So…….I feel that this marriage has a snowball’s chance in H***. Anyone think different. What can I do to repair the damage of the exposure and password breach? Is this hopeless? I’ve got until the 18th...then plan B....going dark.

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 01:48 PM: Message edited by: Binder ]</small>

Binder,

This is all according to the script. They are always mad when you call the OP's spouse, but that is to be expected. It is always for the better because it causes trouble in the affair. Now your W knows that he is living at home and this will cause trouble between them. Your W will start having doubts about his sincerity. The OM will start getting pressure at home. They will start lovebusting each other.

So don't worry. This is all according to plan. Just stick with your Plan A and don't let her anger get you off track.

I would also keep contacting the OMW and see if you can get her to this site. Maybe she can start using some MB principles on her side which would cause additional pressure from that end.

Thanks Melodylane, needed that. Is that typical fog-talk? Her resolve to leave our marriage seems so strong.

Binder -

That is right from the WS textbook. I've been here since September, and have seen the same thing over and over, even the same words. And most of those folks are back together, working on their marriage again.

You did the right thing, and I love the way you didn't LB - your post cracked me up. It is amazing how they think exposing an affair is damaging a family, but deny that the A itself hurt anyone.

YES, YES, YES ....that's what I need to hear! More more more!

Well, just relax, and stand back and watch the fireworks. I hope you will stay in contact with OM's wife and get her to this board.

My WH's OW's H and I have become great friends. He calls every couple of days. He is a very nice man and good father. He seems to be doing well under the circumstances. OW left him and 12 year old daughter, but his mom stepped in to help.

He was in Iraq when the cheating started. He came back and my WH said OW had confessed. NOT! I went over and talked to him. He was quite surprised.

So hang in there, it's a long haul, but usually they come back to the marriage. And you are doing very well, much better than I did.

Binder

I don't have answers to your questions. There was no OPS in my drama so I did not have to deal with fallout from exposure.

Even reading story after story here I am amazed by the blinders our WS's put on. The fact that your WW just believes everything her OM tells her about his R with his wife is almost funny. Wonder if she is completely honest about what she tells OM about your R. Hopefully the info you gave her from OMW plants a seed of doubt and starts causing problems and LB's

I do not think your M is hopeless and I wish you the best of luck.

Binder -

Please check out Luke's post on the divorce forum. When he came here, he thought his marriage was completely over. His wife had filed for divorce, and would not talk to him at all.

He is now in recovery with her, and has never left the divorce forum. So there is lots of hope for you.

Thanks for that feedback. I think you're right about the strain it will put on the relationship. When the OMW calls mine and additional dynamic will come into play. A kind articulate mother of 2 boys expressing her love for the husband that is with WW. A caring voice instead of a faceless ogre that oppresses him at home......Let the games begin.

Oh, yeah, how do I get the l back in discosure in the post's title so I don't come across as the illiterate I am.

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 12:15 AM: Message edited by: Binder ]</small>

Binder - you're doing a terrific job. They're a text book case. Take it to the bank - WSs lie to each other as much if not more than they lie to their spouses.

It's hard as hell biting your tongue when that alien-speak dribbles off her lips. Just keep in mind that she has painted over all the mirrors in her life and cannot see the hypocrisy in her deeds.

Re: Further disclosure. What kind of medical practice is OM in? Does he have partners? Would they like his name associated with infidelity? Is he a prominent supporter of some local politician? Is he - pennies from heaven - a "family" practitioner? A pediatrician? Hmmmmm?

The gloves are off, Binder. Do not discount ANY exposure/disclosure opportunity to undercut this slimeball.

Send me your e-mail address to DCScandals@yahoo.com and I'll send you a good picture you should send to him sooner or later.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Binder:
<strong>She looked at me like I was a band-aid found in her salad.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very funny. Keep it up. I firmly believe that BSs are better off to take a time out from the serious threat that infidelity represents to their marriage and observe the hysterical behavior of their WSs. Dark humor, maybe, but it helps keep the strength.

Please, please, please emphasize to OM's W that going on the attack and reacting with emotions rather than logic simply plays into the WSs' rationalizations. In my sitch, OM's W is STILL on the attack four years later and the only thing she's accomplished has been to be the surrogate villain in the WSs' crime.

WAT

still wishing you much strength and prayers. sometimes it's really hard for me to relate to others here because my H and i don't have any kids and the OW in my case is 20 yrs old, single, and still lives w/her parents, who know all about what's going on and aren't doing anything about it as well as my IL's. so w/that being said i think you will hear often that many people who thought their situations were hopeless and now are rebuilding their marriage. keep up the good work. remember you want to be able to look back and know that you did all that you could. even though you may feel guilt or sadness or whatever about the exposure, it's done and you wouldn't want to have looked back and said "well if only i had contacted the OM's W."

i'll agree w/the importance of bringing the OM's W to this site or at least having her be familiar w/the MB principles. a united front is a good one to have. if she truly wants to rebuild her marriage you can both support and help each other in achieving this common goal (for each marriage). if she doesn't have time to come here, doesn't have internet access etc. you could always print things out for her and tell her some of the titles of the books that she can purchase. prayers to you.

I had some "exposure" fun this weekend.

Seems I found OM's press releases at a couple of the universities where he graduated.

So I copied him as well as WW on my press release to the submission e-mail address that Mr OM, class of XX has left his wife and is having an affair with WW...

This ought to be fun 8^)

Tony

Thanks for the support and insight to the bizarre behavior by the person formally known as my wife. I will continue on this route with disclosure to specified targets if deemed appropriate. The OM is a flight doctor for a very popular charity supported air ambulance service with a stellar image. WW is a flight nurse. The organization does not like negative press. OMW already said she was going there to speak with the head honcho. We’ll see.

He’s also getting some prominent anesthesiologist job in his city as well. Me thinks the wife will be spreading the news far better than I could. Their city is 300 Km. away after all.

I do hope wife will come around in her thinking eventually to see reality. I know shortly after she started this affair she was not so sure she was doing the right thing. Kept telling me she truly liked me and our home and knew I was a good, decent and loyal man….the best father our children could have. Now I seem to be viewed as worm excrement.

The next few weeks will see a lot of pressure on WW. She is a strong woman, but if her emotional security blanket is yarded away, has to deal with her lawyer, move into a house etc. she might crack. Her mother knows she’s making a huge mistake, tells her so, but says she’ll be there when it crumbles.

Never a dull moment. WAT....email address coming.

Binder -

Time to get busy rebuilding your self-esteem. We can tell you are a great H and father. Start doing things that make you feel great. It will help you get through this mess.

I can't rebuild my self-esteem....I'm not good enough.

Binder - you are very funny - you crack me up everytime I read your posts.

Seriously, what helped me is getting out and doing things, relying on friends to help me, exercising, taking care of me, detailing the car, starting a business, joining a support group, just doing things to make me feel better.

When you are going through all this, your self-esteem is in the toilet. When you build it up, you get stronger, and realize that WS's choices are theirs, and not about you.

Good suggestions Believer, I am already trying to plan the distractions I will need once the dust settles. Right now, however, I am up to my hairy yellow pimply butt (too much info?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> in child rearing, bankers, lawyers, WW and OMW. Oh yeah, I have to fit a career in there too. I will actually have more time when WW takes possession of her house. Appreciate the support though and do find comfort in this venue.

Just thought I’d update this thread. I got an E-mail from the OMW last night. She has spoken to both OM and WW. They got their stories straight and minimized their relationship to her. Both told her that the marriages are over except in a legal sense. Said there is a mutual attraction and they have spent time together, but deny any thought or talk of marriage. OMW bought most of it, but admits there is room for deception on both their parts. OM is now out in an apartment and can see his sons whenever he pleases at the matrimonial home. This will undoubtedly leave more time for WW and him to seek out each other.

I received a lecture from her as well. To stop pursuing a relationship that is over and quit hounding my wife. She told me to go volunteer somewhere or spend my time constructively. Obviously the two adulterers have painted a picture of a madman. Go figure. She does, however, say she hopes to stay married if possible. I don’t think she'll buy into the MB approach, but I will respond to her. I may attach some of the more incriminating evidence as well.

WW came to the house this AM to look after the kids while I work. Stressed that I need to get the separation agreement to the lawyer ASAP. She was angry and reaffirmed how bad she feels our marriage was. I've got the respnse down pat now: "I'm sorry you feel that way, I have a different perspective".

In some aspects I look forward to plan B. I grow weary of the constant contact with this mess and the chaos all are thrown into. I do believe her relationship with the OM is starting to feel the strain, but time will tell. I will lay off the additional exposure for now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Binder:
<strong>Stressed that I need to get the separation agreement to the lawyer ASAP.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let her do it.

Or is she referring to you getting it to YOUR lawyer?

WAT

To my lawyer. She needs me to get her half of the equity out of our house. If I don't have an agreement in my hand protecting the rest of my assets, ie. pension, I'm not giving up the cash. If that falls through, her house deal falls through. Back to square one. However, she may have the legal means to get exclusive rights to the matrimonial home.

However it plays out, I have to get away from the present situation. It's getting painful and going on too long. Separate residences are a priority for now. She is loathe to rent, however it would make a ton (or tonne for us metric Canadians) of financial sense as our primary residence is paid for other than the line of credit outstanding. It will have to happen fast as she wants the $ by May 15. If she doesn't want to let me have the pension etc. I likley will let this deal collapse, I can save more without taking on a mortgage if I'm going to lose in the end anyway. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.