I have written this rough draft of a letter to give to my wife. I would appreciate any comments!

Dearest,

I just wanted to write you a letter because it is sometimes easier for me to express my feelings this way. I know things have not been good with us for some time and I’m not sure what we can do to fix us. I just want you to know I am truly sorry for my part in contributing to our problems. I also want you to know I am willing to do whatever it takes to work on our problems and fixing us. I know this is a very confusing time for both of us. I know that you had needs that obviously were not being met by me so you turned to Brian to have them met. I don’t think you are a bad person for doing this I only think that you are human. However, I do need you to help me understand. Then I can try to meet these needs for you. The only thing I can do is guess what is going on. You had told me that things weren’t as bad as I thought they were and there was a story behind you and Brian. I really need to hear this story. I understand this may be hard to talk about but I also feel it is necessary for us to close the emotional distance that seems to be growing between us. It just really hurts me that the woman I Love and planned on spending the rest of my life with for better or worse doesn’t feel safe to open up to me. I know things will never be the same between us nor should they be obviously. I also know in my heart that we did both love each other and could find love for each other again. Do I think it will be easy? No. Do I think it would be worth it? YES! We have always had conflict in our relationship. This doesn’t mean we didn’t love and care for each other. It just means we are different people. Conflict happens in all relationships. However, we just have to learn how to deal with conflict better so we can learn from it and grow stronger. This can be done. I know you say you’re not sure if we’d be together if Kayla hadn’t been born. This is obviously a question no one can answer. Instead of dwelling on this and other bad feelings and emotions we should have open and honest communication to see what we can do to make us work. I know that the passion had gone out of our marriage and you were able to find this again with someone else. I’m just guessing but it probably made you feel alive again and things were never better. It probably also made you doubt your feelings for me and that you must not have ever loved me if you could be with another man. Again, I am just guessing because only you have the missing pieces to this puzzle. But I also feel this must be a difficult and trying time for you as well as it is for me. I feel that we are both very confused and in a great deal of pain and turmoil. I also feel we shouldn’t make any hasty decisions in this state of confusion and doubt. I just want you to know I truly do love you, and want very much for us to start over by being friends again so we can tear down the walls between us and open up our hearts to each other and build true love between us. Please just give this some thought and try to remember having love for me. I know it is just my view of things but that is all I have right now.

Lovingly,

Nice letter, but don't be too hopeful. If she is in the fog, she will not respond with any compassion.

But go ahead and give it to her, and then at least you will know how foggy she is. Her saying that there is a story behind this sounds like more fogtalk. All cheaters have a story that they think is unique and explains every bad thing they did.

Dear 'staggered'.
Your letter brought tears to my eyes.
Your words were beautifully written and very HEARTFELT. You have had to rise above your pain to be the loving husband you want to be.
And the FORGIVING HUSBAND!

The thing about affairs is it makes your wife feel like she is NOT a married person, that she has been for years but the person she was BEFORE marriage.

For now, she is not thinking of your feelings when she had the affair, only the 'powerful thrilling feelings' that it gave her.
Probably she is not sure how to handle these new passionate feelings of desire!

WS's become uninhibited and free with their passionate feelings for the OP.
Do things they never ever would have done with their mates. (OS, rear entry, on top, passionate tongue kisses, etc.)
Whereas with their mates, they just are kinda 'ho hum'.('DO IT' in several mins without even kisses!)

Affairs are thrilling and exciting and the CONSEQUENCES are not considered at the time.

I truly believe if you can just hang in there, your wife will once again feel the love and affection you so desire from her.

It takes quite a bit of time to get past these new exciting feelings she is having for the OM!
Lots of time.

No Contact cannot be forced, it has to come from her heart to stop contact, or it just won't work!

Your letter might help her break through the fog, but it won't pull her completely out.
Let's call it a 'light at the end of the tunnel' for her.

You are a GOOD man and I am sure she is a GOOD woman that is side-tracted right now.

Sincerely, Julie

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 10:16 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Hi staggered,

I'm with believer on this one...send it only if you believe you need to do this for YOU...if your WS is in the fog/withdrawal, it is highly unlikely to have any positive impact on her, and may even have a negative impact...

what is your motivation for sending this letter???

personally, I am against sending WS anything like this or telling them repeatedly that you love them...words mean very little to WS in the fog/withdrawal and can even be twisted into the opposite of what you had intended...

now ACTIONS...those are GREAT for getting messages across...whether in the fog or not...consistent actions will be noticed (even if nothing is ever said about it)...

best of luck to you...awed

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 08:51 AM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>

Thanks for the comments. My motivation for writing this letter is that I want to express to my wife how I feel and that when she is ready to open up it will be safe for her to do so with me.

"My motivation for writing this letter is that I want to express to my wife how I feel and that when she is ready to open up it will be safe for her to do so with me."

how about if you write just that then?

a) the shorter the better...seriously...I cannot stress enough that people can and will take anything/everything out of context, deliberately or not, depending on their fogginess

b) you've still got a lot of blame or trying to educate the WS underlying a lot of the statements you've made...

for example: "our" problems" and "my part", etc...while all of that is true, it does not help get you to your goal...do you see what I'm getting at?

here's the deal: do you want to be right or married? I assume the latter...then do what is "right" rather than what "feels right" if you know what I mean...if you don't, let me know...I'd be happen to expand on it in greater detail for you...

c) get specific if you can...do you know what needs you did not meet?

for example: "my part in contributing to our problems" -- you could replace this with what she needs to hear you say...ie. what would you do differently? listen more perhaps???

if so, then say so...let me give you an example...

"Dearest,

I am writing to tell you that I am truly sorry for not listening to you in the past, and for not spending enough time with you and Kayla.

I want you to know I am willing to do whatever it takes to develop and maintain open and honest communication between us in the future. I want the opportunity to learn from my past mistakes and build a wonderful future for us.

Kayla deserves our very best efforts to keep this family together. I love both of you very much."

well...that's a quick effort but you likely see where I am going with this...keep it simple, keep it focussed...

and remember that she is unlikely to respond positively...so remind yourself you are doing this because YOU want to...otherwise you are likely to resent it when she doesn't respond, or in the way you hoped...

staggered: we BS are our own worst enemies most of the time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ...we need to remember to do things for ourselves even though every fibre of our being is screaming out for action on the A-front!

this is a normal, natural reaction...but it does not advance our cause at all...namely, that of saving our marriage...

so...what have you done to SHOW your W that it is safe to open up with you? (this is more important than anything you can say to her...)

once last comment for you: it took 9 long months for my H to truly trust me enough to open up with me...long long long long long months...and I did not LB either...

in addition to trusting you, they also have to overcome massive guilt...from my observation, most people involved in A are not in the best frame of mind either, usually suffering from a lack of self-esteem at the very least...

time, patience, love ...those are the M recovery ingredients...the more you can integrate these concepts into your soul, your very fibre...the better your chances at achieving a rock-solid recovery...

hope this helps...I am rooting for you even though it probably feels like I'm being kinda hard on you! take care...awed

P.S. Forgot to add: I also favour avoiding the negatives...there are an awful lot of negatives in your letter...

by that I mean the doom and gloom...you should assume your WS is not hopeful about your M which is why you need to visualize yourself as its biggest cheerleader!!!

you have to be full of a confidence you often do not feel...

so get rid of the "I&#8217;m not sure what we can do to fix us" kinds of sentiments...it will only reinforce her negatives right now...

P.P.S. I am in favour of pulling out all the stops...I see this as a battle...that is why I encourage a BS to use the kids in any and all interactions with WS...talk about Kayla whenever you can...

I am not telling you to use Kayla as an emotional hostage, or to put her in the middle in any way...

but use the pressure of family vs OM rather than present it (or let her consider it) a battle between you and him...

after all, Kayla stands to lose the most out of this mess...she really and truly does deserve the best from both of you...

Thanks again for the comments. Awed could you elaborate on your comments about doing what is right not what feels right. I also wasn't intending any blame or educate I was just speaking from the heart. I just know my wife is really wondering if she wants to stay married with me or not and doubts her love for me. This letter is just a rough draft and I appreciate input so I can make ammendments. where are you from awed I notice you use British way of spelling-favour

I've got to put my girls to bed so will check back in about 45 minutes. Thanks again